tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post4563860885275390932..comments2024-02-06T12:29:18.715-06:00Comments on Nerdy Feminist: Intentions Are IrrelevantA. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-88499424055802934052016-08-19T04:43:35.816-05:002016-08-19T04:43:35.816-05:00You know, this whole idea reminds me a lot of narc...You know, this whole idea reminds me a lot of narcissism.<br />There is a book about narcissism with the title of "Will I ever be good enough?" <br />The answer is no. Not for a narcissist, not for someone who calls you sexist or racist or finds other fault with you.<br />With a narcissist, you go through different stages (at least, I did):<br />1. Denial, self-defense: No, I refuse to define myself as the bad person you tell me I am!<br />You are frustrated: Everything you do and are is wrong. You are repeatedly told this, you are ridiculed, berated. Every single small thing can cause a huge blow up: You put on your shoes the wrong way, greeted the person in the wrong way, look the wrong way, said a wrong word, gave them a wrong comliment. You want to sccream: I AM TRYING I DON'T WANT TO BE CRITICIZED FOR EVERYTHING!<br />2. Doubt: Possibly I really am not as good as I thought?<br />Possibly <br />2.5 You refuse to try anymore, you become "difficult", "sensitive" and "stubborn"!<br />3. Trying: Okay, I will leave everything aside, all my personal needs and for once try to be the person you want me to be. Do everything for you exactly the way you want me to, never complain, never talk about myself, praising you, degrading myself.<br />You get no praise for this. First, you are frustrated. Then you move on to step 4:<br />4. You treat the narcissist like a child or mentally challenged person. They have a handycap. You don't take them serious anymore. You know how to behave around them so as to minimize outbursts, yelling, humiliation, accusations. You have learned to remove yourself emotionally, not confide in them, not see them as an equal person, but as a needy person, as someone you cannot open to, but rather as someone you have to be careful around and treat in a way that will minimize damage to you: Praise them, do everything they want the way they want it degrade yourself - but not meaning it, minimizing contact, going home, being yourself.<br /><br />If you say intent does not matter, you drive people who are most likely to be accused of something - basically everybody in contact with others who like to accuse people of causing offense - to go through these steps. In the end, offense will be minimized but the ones defining offense - the women, the people of other races, different sexualities etc.- will not be take seriously anymore.<br />Everyone was brought up to strive to be a "good person" by being considerate, polite, friendly, helpful, open. Now they are told, they will never be, especially if they are white, or male, or straight, or even cis (majority of people). They will go through these steps and in the end, will stop trying. Will stop being open. Will minimize talking to others. Don't ask, google. Don't cause offense. Don't make yourself vulnerable by repeatedly experience that you cannot ever be "good". Accept this, but, if you want to stay sane, only on the outside. Hide. Keep to your own. Don't try to get to know "other" people, you might cause offense and experience yet again that all your efforts are worthless, your are worthless, you are never equal, always at the merci of others to tell you how you should view yourself (as a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, ableist person. This especially hurts if you someone dear to you is of another race, female, disabled, homosexual or of a different sexuality, transgender etc.pp.Fidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10961601106724833521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-62633514274960154732013-06-08T03:20:36.128-05:002013-06-08T03:20:36.128-05:00"Ok, when I say that intentions are irrelevan..."Ok, when I say that intentions are irrelevant, that's not entirely true."<br /><br />I'm glad you said that. I would add that intentions have at least some bearings on culpability, if you mean <i>moral</i> culpability.Largohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15082394436785605297noreply@blogger.com