tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33493821868897216352024-03-12T18:43:59.269-05:00Nerdy FeministPop culture, politics, personality, and life with a feminist spin.A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.comBlogger653125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-42171395769352705392020-08-08T20:30:00.004-05:002020-08-08T20:34:39.088-05:00Where I am now<div><a href="https://www.alynnwrites.com/" target="_blank">I'm not sure if anyone will see this under all the cobwebs, but I've launched a new blog and don't intend to update this one any further. Hop over there if you'd like.</a></div><i><div><i><br /></i></div>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> <br />
A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-62414344827870027122017-05-01T08:00:00.000-05:002017-05-01T20:33:31.755-05:00How to enrage me and marginalize your female audience members...A few weeks ago, my work sent me to a professional development summit. At this summit, I had the rare chance to be one of a handful of women in a sea of men. (In my normal professional life, the vast majority of my coworkers and colleagues at other nonprofit agencies are women.)<br />
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The main keynote speaker made me want to punch a wall. He was actually really dynamic and engaging and had an interesting enough life story. But every. fucking. time. he mentioned a woman in his speech (be it his own family or a professional acquaintance who had been very influential in his life) he commented on something about her appearance--either her weight or her looks.<br />
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For example, when describing his grandmother he said "4 feet by 4 feet." His mom is "overweight, but please don't tell her I said that." Every mention of his wife was preceded by "beautiful" and punctuated by something like "she's too good for me" or "I married up." And when talking about a female Indian doctor he met on a flight, who he says by his own admission he greatly admires (because she taught him all about mindfulness) he opens by painting a picture of the scene so he could note that she is "not a very attractive woman."<br />
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Keep in mind that this woman is a real person out there it the world and he is NAMING her specifically in his speech, but he doesn't give her the dignity of skipping over his personal thoughts about her looks; thoughts that are actually irrelevant to his story. In fact, every mention of every single woman's looks in no way contributed to his narrative. Over and over, while I'm listening and trying to glean something from him, he tore me away from his main point by being a sexist prick.<br />
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The ONLY man whose appearance he commented on (of probably 10 or so individual men he talks about as a part of his "inspirational" story) was a black man, and all he did was note he was black (again, irrelevant, especially since he is a former NFL player that most of the people in the audience seemed to know of, me excluded) which, of course, leads me to assume that he's racist as well.<br />
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During the Q &A section I REALLY wanted to ask if the female doctor knew that he uses her name in this speech in this way...and if so, if she's pleased with the inclusion of "not a very attractive woman."<br />
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Think about it...this guy is kind of a Big Deal at least in the realm of business presentations, and yet, he has either 1) never had it brought to his attention that he comments on the looks/size of every woman he mentions OR 2) has had it brought to his attention and either doesn't care or chooses to do it anyway because it works for his audience.<br />
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What the ever loving fuck??<br />
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<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2012/10/womens-worth-as-function-of-male.html">When I talk about how our misogynistic society systematically teaches men that their feelings about women's looks are SUPER IMPORTANT, this is what I'm talking about</a>. This is the evidence. If that's not what this speaker thinks, at least on a subconscious level, then why is it his knee jerk reaction to qualify his every mention of women with these comments?<br />
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So yeah, that's how you enrage me and marginalize your female audience. Good job, dude. Good job.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-18702238677534583952017-04-15T16:58:00.003-05:002017-04-15T16:58:53.742-05:00Colossal and abuse<i>[Content note: discussion of abuse]</i><br />
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*Tap, tap* Is this thing on? LOL! I'm so original in acknowledging how long it's been since I blogged last.<br />
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AAAAAAaaaaaanyway, as I've mentioned before, I'm only writing when I feel inspired and HEY I got inspired by seeing <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4680182/">Colossal</a> yesterday.<br />
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In case you're not familiar, the premise of the movie, or at least what you can ascertain from the trailer, is that Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is a mess of a woman who has been dumped and moves back to her home town. She reconnects with an old friend, Oscar (Jason Sudeikis), and then realizes that she is somehow cosmically connected to a giant kaiju-esque creature that appears in Seoul, South Korea, when she steps foot onto a playground by her former elementary school.<br />
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Seeing the trailer (like a million times, thanks, Alamo Drafthouse) piqued my interest and I couldn't imagine what in the world had made a random woman able to control (or embody?) a huge monster in Seoul. I wanted to see it because I wanted to learn the mythology of the story.<br />
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It turns out the film was about so much more and I had NO IDEA it was going to head in that direction. So, let's put this out there immediately: THIS IS SPOILERY. If you want to see this film, don't read further until you get a chance to see it.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>The movie actually ends up being about, at least to me, abuse and toxic relationships. It turns out that Oscar also has a weird giant being (a robot) that emerges in Seoul when he is on the same playground. Immediately, instead of being about WHY and WHAT THE HELL is going on in this situation, the narrative turns to the relationship between Oscar and Gloria and their newfound power.<br />
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Oscar, who at first appears to be a lovely, helpful old friend (offering Gloria a job and furnishings for her house; helping her get back on her feet) turns out to be a dangerous abuser. She almost kisses (and eventually sleeps with) their mutual friend and we start to see Oscar's darker side when he is irrationally furious at her interest in another man. Things really come to a head when he realizes that Gloria is horrified by her own power (she falls when she's drunk on the playground, which results in death and destruction in South Korea) and he can exploit her feelings. He is menacing and violent, repeatedly tries to controls her, and keeps her in their hometown against her will, by threatening to use the robot to kill people in Seoul if she leaves.<br />
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When we first see his violent strea, Oscar (like a classic abuser) appears to be beyond apologetic and repentant for his behavior, but (again like a classic abuser) his manipulation is aimed at keeping Gloria trapped and he cycles back to rage and violence. It becomes revealed that Oscar has kept up on Gloria's life despite years and miles of separation and he is sort of obsessed with her.<br />
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Overall, I feel the relationship that Oscar and Gloria display is representative of the general violence that men inflict upon women in our society--and how it is normalized from a young age. We see a flash back to their childhood were Oscar is stomping on Gloria's school project. Although they don't show it, I could hear the adults in their lives saying something like, "Oh he just picks on you because he likes you." Despite this past, when Gloria first sees Oscar again as adults, she doesn't remember him in a negative light; his violence to her then had apparently been brushed aside and her memories of him, initially, are all positive.<br />
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Of course, years later in their lives, with the main narrative of the film, Gloria is seeing Oscar for who he really is. When Oscar once again has the chance to control Gloria, he becomes a metaphorical father and she the metaphorical mother to the people of Seoul. He uses them as his pawn in Gloria's life, the way abusive men often use children as pawns to control their wives. "You leave and I'm killing them" --"them" being children or citizens of Seoul. The world media, rightfully obsessed with the strange monster and robot that appear in Seoul, begin to realize and report that the monster is the protector of the people against the robot, in the same way that so many women have had to be protectors for their children over abusive fathers.<br />
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And in the end, Gloria, thankfully, finds a way to escape and ultimately has to kill Oscar to not only save herself, but also thousands of people.<br />
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I'm not saying this movie is "feminist." (<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/act-four/wp/2017/04/13/colossal-fails-as-a-feminist-movie-because-it-doesnt-hold-its-heroine-accountable/?utm_term=.4e502cf1e6bf">Many would disagree that it is.</a>) And I'm not even saying that my interpretation is correct. But I am saying that this film had way more layers than I anticipated (it <a href="http://www.vox.com/cards/13-best-movies-in-theaters-right-now/colossal-anne-hathaway-kaiju">defies categorization</a>, as Vox put it) and it's definitely worth a watch!<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-22500501404986495292016-12-19T14:22:00.000-06:002016-12-19T14:22:09.428-06:00What I'm Watching: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend[Content note: mention of abortion; spoilers for Season 2 of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Season<br />
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Ahhhhhh...winter break. AKA three weeks of doing whatever the hell I want, which today means making my hair redder and my nails green. I'm walking Christmas decor! The holidays, what a beautiful time. It also means I have some time to binge watch some TV, which is one of my all time favorite bumming around activities.<br />
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I've recently gotten into Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. (Ableist name aside...) I am pretty pleased with what I'm seeing!<br />
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I'll admit it took me some time to get into it. I wasn't at all a fan of the cheesy musical style. In fact, I actually watched the first two episodes and then quit it for a few weeks, having filed it under M for Meh. But needing something to watch again, I circled back to it and finally, eventually "got it." (Like, the cheese is its thang, they lean into it.)<br />
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I'm glad, because outside of being entertaining when you give it a chance, it's one of those shows that casually weaves in some progressive stuff!<br />
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The main story line is about an ambitious young lawyer, Rebecca, who leaves a lucrative career and life in New York for a slower paced escape in West Covina, CA, after running into her teenage ex-boyfriend, who lives there. She's now trying to make new life for herself and is continuously pre-occupied with chasing after men, a love triangle, etc. All of that's fine and well (and not that special) but my first real run in with how the show "gets it" was when Rebecca's boss, Darryl, comes out as bisexual. In their typical style, he did so in song:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://68.media.tumblr.com/10e7107d9076bf8a891aaea45be4eb7a/tumblr_o3po75CS2N1uk5vmso3_250.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://68.media.tumblr.com/10e7107d9076bf8a891aaea45be4eb7a/tumblr_o3po75CS2N1uk5vmso3_250.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image text: Darryl dancing in an 80's inspired scene, sporting the bisexual flag colors.]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While that was fun, what really stood out to me was how the writers had Darryl address some common bisexual stereotypes in a humorous way. (One of the coworkers was like, "Are you sure you aren't just gay??" and he shuts that down.) I wish it wasn't rare for a character to so openly identify as bisexual (<a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AmbiguouslyBi">and like <i>actually say it</i></a>) but it is.<br />
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Later in the series, Rebecca is navigating a "love triangle" with two men who both kinda sorta want to be with her but not really. She views the situation as something where she must choose one of them and that bothers her so she selfishly thinks, "Hey! I can just turn this into a polyamory situation!" At first I just about pulled a muscle rolling my eyes at the incredibly unhealthy way Rebecca was approaching this idea, but then she talks with people in a poly relationship who shut her down and explain how unhealthy her approach is...and that not having to choose between people who want monogamy is not what being poly means.<br />
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Finally, Rebecca's new best friend in West Covina, Paula, is at the center of one of the show's most casually progressive situations. Paula is a paralegal at the firm with Darryl and Rebecca. She's also a mom to two teenage boys who has recently rekindled her previously floundering relationship with her husband. Above all, she wants more than anything to go to law school and become a fully practicing lawyer. However, right after she finds out that she's been accepted to law school, she also learns she's pregnant. Here again, I was afraid. Paula is distraught but she acts like pregnancy and starting over as a parent of an infant is her only choice at first. When her husband (who is working hard to be supportive as he has recently become re-invested in their relationship) reminds her that there are options, she quickly brushes it off. She says something like, "Those choices are for teenagers, not middle age moms..." blah blah blah.<br />
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It bothered me. I bristled. Here we have a character who is so upset to be pregnant and so deeply wanting to continue her goal of going to law school, acting like abortion isn't a viable thing for her.<br />
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But them something amazing happened...we catch up with Paula an episode or two later (forgive the fogginess of my memory of the timeline) and she's in law school and she admits to a new friend that she had an abortion.<br />
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That's it. No long, drawn out emotional torture. No "don't worry; <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GoodGirlsAvoidAbortion">suddenly the abortion isn't needed</a>" or shame about it. She's had it. It happened. It's done. That's not to say it wasn't serious or tough for Paula (she later explains to Rebecca how she would have loved more support from her) but overall it's just a thing that has happened in her life.<br />
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That's real. For so many people, that's how it is.<br />
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It reminded me of Xiomara (Jane's mother) in this season of Jane the Virgin (another show I thought I wouldn't like but then, like superloved.) Similarly, Xiomara, who has an adult daughter and does <b>not </b>want more kids, <a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2016/10/jane-the-virgin-abortion-interview-jennie-snyder-urman">has an abortion</a> and it's handled really responsibly and realistically. Both of these stories step outside the media stereotype of abortion seekers as <a href="http://prospect.org/article/demographics-abortion-its-not-what-you-think">young, unmarried, highly educated, childless white women</a> and of shame about abortion.<br />
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In this way, the CW is being doubly, refreshingly real in their abortion story lines and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is duly filed into "A-OK in my book.' If you're looking for a show to binge on your own winter break, or just a Wednesday night, I happily recommend both Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Jane the Virgin!<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-51631717394784602252016-10-20T15:19:00.001-05:002016-10-20T22:52:10.745-05:00Rape Culture Watch: Donald Trump edition[Content note: sexual assault, rape]<br />
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This election cycle is such a shit show that I haven't wasted much of my very scarce and precious time commenting on it.<br />
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It, literally and figuratively, has made me want to puke. Proud racist, sexist, xenophobic, islamophobic, and (likely) rapist, Donald Trump has consumed the headlines. By now everyone is well aware of the disgusting content of a tape from 2005 where he was talking flippantly about sexually assaulting women. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/14/politics/trump-women-accusers/">Numerous accusers have emerged</a>.<br />
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None of this is news to you, I'm sure.<br />
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I want to briefly speak to one small part of it. You see, I was just watching the "<a href="https://www.facebook.com/HumanityforHillary/videos/383287768678348/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED">Not OK</a>" video about this all, in which various women and girls share about their own experiences of sexual assault and harassment. I immediately related to them, thinking specifically about some really scary incidents of unwelcome groping in high school and terrifying comments by grown men in public when I was as young as 12. Memories that, despite my line of work and my general knowledge/empowerment in this area, I have tried to deeply suppress into the recesses of my mind.<br />
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Then I found myself treading into some new shitty thoughts, "If I talk about these experiences, people will think I'm making it up because no one would do that to <b>me, </b>I'm not pretty enough."<br />
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Rape culture is a hell of a drug.<br />
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Here I am, speaking out against this type of mentality all the time, but I apply it to myself. You see, the rape culture tells lots of lies, one of which being that fat/conventionally unattractive women should be thankful if someone has "interest" in us or that you "can't" be raped if you're fat or whatever. (<a href="http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2015/09/society-and-my-rapist-says-im-too-ugly-to-be-raped/">See a great piece at Black Girl Dangerous about this.</a>)<br />
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In fact, as I was having this thought, I remembered that Trump has his own fucked up take on this line of reasoning. He actually said: "<a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2016/10/14/trump-she-wouldn-t-be-my-first-choice.html?via=desktop&source=copyurl">She wouldn't be my first choice</a>" about one of his accusers. That's right, y'all...a nominee of a major American political party for president essentially said, "I'd be a rapist if the girl's hot enough."<br />
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I know, I know, this mentality is disgusting and here I was thinking it myself.<br />
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Ah well, all it proves is that 1) YES the rape culture is still alive and well 2) Trump is a disgusting piece of shit and 3) I'm still on that journey to self acceptance. Lots of things we already knew.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-72172048691427400822016-09-20T19:31:00.002-05:002016-09-20T19:31:59.118-05:00The outrage from white people about Colin Kaepernick kneeling vs. the lack of outrage from white people about another innocent black man being killed by police, justifies the nature of Kapernick’s protest.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-7745731472329196182016-09-19T14:54:00.002-05:002016-09-19T14:54:52.749-05:00This Is Us............HmmmI just went through a roller coaster of emotions so I'm gonna process it all right here.<br />
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1) I saw <i>Parenthood</i> post on the FB page that a new show coming to NBC, <i>This Is Us,</i> is being called the next <i>Parenthood</i>. <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2011/04/parenthood-simply-put-i-love-it.html">I LOVED</a> P<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2012/02/parenthood-redux.html">ARENTHOOD</a>, so naturally I was intrigued.<br />
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Emotion meter: cautiously optimistic<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC3ZYwfYQlkO6AtAFLkTX92ibQ4eVJ4Cpw0GoXWm6uh7h15hWzSU4BZcpiSfNX1GbL696ZSd6Xd_cYHXs4e_5uldNlhMOgVyQOPnrbIV9A4gV_L5lrSH3bnH8SmfXLVeofjxv0Cy_bb8E/s1600/Annie_fingers_crossed.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC3ZYwfYQlkO6AtAFLkTX92ibQ4eVJ4Cpw0GoXWm6uh7h15hWzSU4BZcpiSfNX1GbL696ZSd6Xd_cYHXs4e_5uldNlhMOgVyQOPnrbIV9A4gV_L5lrSH3bnH8SmfXLVeofjxv0Cy_bb8E/s320/Annie_fingers_crossed.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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2) The synopsis is boring on Wikipedia ("The series tells the story of people born on the same day") so I check out the show's NBC page and see this picture:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgIrF3xQsim0tDmL9EBL9V7l_w47cT82vQ9kEolHMaWHUsXnvyGFF8DjpqbzLt_acUk2hepOm3kf4UzhtP_kNAsT3TVcFQj4SZljxjlJ_6fB4Tx4TaLWJusHBg64JX7UwEGDxylNY-q2M/s1600/This+is+love.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgIrF3xQsim0tDmL9EBL9V7l_w47cT82vQ9kEolHMaWHUsXnvyGFF8DjpqbzLt_acUk2hepOm3kf4UzhtP_kNAsT3TVcFQj4SZljxjlJ_6fB4Tx4TaLWJusHBg64JX7UwEGDxylNY-q2M/s320/This+is+love.png" width="254" /></a></div>
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OMG OMG IS THAT A FAT WOMAN CHARACTER PARTNERED WITH A STEREOTYPICALLY ATTRACTIVE DUDE!?! ARE THEY JUST LIVING A NORMAL, LOVING LIFE OF SOME SORT? THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!<br />
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Emotion meter: on cloud 9.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiusuwNJmrn6Jr3SKXcnCdXyJYzH7piKC8zNU9sEYefaH7_P1cTqPnMT0Eu2OXHFXDOyj8H4uIQK7nUPliFKQE1szf1ncGf5vwdMlujnHDIqN-_XRg1QknmLWFbFLvKZMYuH7kzGppaHOk/s1600/tumblr_mp2c66Bn9J1roycz2o1_400.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiusuwNJmrn6Jr3SKXcnCdXyJYzH7piKC8zNU9sEYefaH7_P1cTqPnMT0Eu2OXHFXDOyj8H4uIQK7nUPliFKQE1szf1ncGf5vwdMlujnHDIqN-_XRg1QknmLWFbFLvKZMYuH7kzGppaHOk/s320/tumblr_mp2c66Bn9J1roycz2o1_400.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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3) I <a href="http://tvline.com/2016/09/17/this-is-us-review-nbc-parenthood/">read this snippet</a> about the show and <a href="http://www.nbc.com/this-is-us/video/kate-crosses-a-line/3094935">watched this clip</a>:<br />
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"Kate (Chrissy Metz), who’s struggling with a weight problem; her brother Kevin (Justin Hartley), a TV star who’s fed up with his brainless sitcom"</blockquote>
It was a drill. It was only a drill.<br />
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Emotion meter: devastated.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimx15rRsMM9N-OM8labF1IOothSccwZ_Qaf5v0x7HDmGHL9znHcwfmOphKooaQV2ZUO7UQY_Ag7JRb2N7Z0UgKItCYAjoIgOgAZ3EhDL7SmYV8bmi_dyusHi2vylWuEe9xClxQSEM0rOk/s1600/tumblr_n9hks6GMpo1sayodwo1_250.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimx15rRsMM9N-OM8labF1IOothSccwZ_Qaf5v0x7HDmGHL9znHcwfmOphKooaQV2ZUO7UQY_Ag7JRb2N7Z0UgKItCYAjoIgOgAZ3EhDL7SmYV8bmi_dyusHi2vylWuEe9xClxQSEM0rOk/s1600/tumblr_n9hks6GMpo1sayodwo1_250.gif" /></a></div>
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4) I try to convince myself, "maybe they will make this character so much more than it seems from those snippets above??"<br />
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Emotion meter: hopeful but expecting a giant let down.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi3ptcUrW6wxZmapd_Z_tFGm-bQ7OiSGoTFH7hVVqzFxCdBLcrevYFppeMx_B5_PAUC1VuU-qkO9D4PPMxX-MF5wDST95_K557GaJDJCrg23oqTd95A9QWe075uPqR5QIqTiK6MFxFmAs/s1600/0f3e5d10-2351-0133-0929-0e76e5725d9d.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi3ptcUrW6wxZmapd_Z_tFGm-bQ7OiSGoTFH7hVVqzFxCdBLcrevYFppeMx_B5_PAUC1VuU-qkO9D4PPMxX-MF5wDST95_K557GaJDJCrg23oqTd95A9QWe075uPqR5QIqTiK6MFxFmAs/s320/0f3e5d10-2351-0133-0929-0e76e5725d9d.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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That's where I am now. I have no idea how this will all come to fruition, but I'm going to check out <i>This Is Us</i> in the fall for the comparisons to <i>Parenthood </i> alone. That said, I only have so much of a tolerance for "fat people's lives are tragic and if only they would lose weight, then they'll be awesome" story lines. I'll bail if there isn't something more interesting going on for this character.<br />
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I mean, maybe the creators of <i>This Is Us </i>are drawing on this trope so they can pull in mainstream audiences but then, ultimately, subvert it?<br />
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Look at me being so positive.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSwW81SWlAyBGdj6eej1aHXbLRx2B681ow4LMYAnyFk0cCmtAiPf8-BYTVwgjRxgDw8vuwtmMN3__rzUVB9p8KSFiNcR4H2vZxc_UR9clzMpQKsnX7WX9afa0OjoL_mGoVuX9ridkXSo/s1600/0_aimg889117.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSwW81SWlAyBGdj6eej1aHXbLRx2B681ow4LMYAnyFk0cCmtAiPf8-BYTVwgjRxgDw8vuwtmMN3__rzUVB9p8KSFiNcR4H2vZxc_UR9clzMpQKsnX7WX9afa0OjoL_mGoVuX9ridkXSo/s320/0_aimg889117.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-50766678314948305592016-07-27T11:36:00.001-05:002016-07-27T11:36:37.179-05:00On Aggressive Drivers (Hint: They're Men)<div style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://whatbigotspost.tumblr.com/post/148053358882/whatbigotspost-im-so-fucking-tired-of"><i>This is cross posted from my Tumblr, where people have added LOTS of stories from their own experiences.</i> </a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m so fucking tired of aggressive male drivers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ve written about this on my <a href="http://anerdyfeminist.tumblr.com/">personal blog</a> before, but I wanna complain and commiserate with a larger audience at the moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">What the HELL is going on with men who bully others aggressively on the road?? 17 years ago this summer I got my learner’s permit and in the following 17 years, if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that men think that they own the GD road and if you happen to be using it too…you’re in their way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here’s my pathetic “not all men disclaimer.” OF COURSE there are good male drivers. But of the numerous bullies that have quite literally scared the fuck out of me on the road…I’d estimate 90% of them are men. And it’s only gotten worse since I now live in Texas and I’m surrounded by giant trucks full of hilljack douches flying the stars and bars and Trump and/or NRA bumper stickers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’M OVER IT.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Before anyone suggests that maybe my driving is the problem, let me specify, of the once a week-ish incident I witness of unhinged rageful men bullying someone on the road, I’m not always the target of the aggression. I see it happening to other people who appear to be doing nothing more than being there. And before anyone suggests that it’s all in my head, here are a few sources which show that this IS a thing. </span></div>
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<ul style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 21px; list-style: none; margin: 15px 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 35px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fnewsroom.aaa.com%2F2016%2F07%2Fnearly-80-percent-of-drivers-express-significant-anger-aggression-or-road-rage%2F&t=OTY4MDg2ZTdjMDZjMGRkMGRiOGMxZjQwYmU5ZWQ0YWUyMjViNDJiZixJNGd5ajVCbA%3D%3D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-image: linear-gradient(rgba(68, 68, 68, 0) 50%, rgba(68, 68, 68, 0.247059) 0px); background-position: 0px 1.15em; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 1em 2px; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.15em; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Male and younger drivers ages 19-39 were significantly more likely to engage in aggressive behaviors.</a>“</span></li>
</ul>
<ul style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 21px; list-style: none; margin: 15px 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 35px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fthenewswheel.com%2Froad-rage-statistics-who-experiences-it-most-and-why-its-dangerous%2F&t=ODMzZTRjNjg3MDJkZTMwYjE3ZGVlYWVmNjQwZWFjNzNmMGUxMDE2YixJNGd5ajVCbA%3D%3D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-image: linear-gradient(rgba(68, 68, 68, 0) 50%, rgba(68, 68, 68, 0.247059) 0px); background-position: 0px 1.15em; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 1em 2px; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.15em; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Men between the ages of 35-50 are the most frequent culprits of road rage.”</span></a></li>
</ul>
<ul style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 21px; list-style: none; margin: 15px 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 35px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fblogs.psychcentral.com%2Fhealing-together%2F2011%2F07%2Fmen-and-women-drivers-the-gender-divide%2F&t=MmE4ZjYxMjQ4MmQzM2ZmNjI0NWRkZGJhM2EzZmUzNzEzNjUxZTc4OSxJNGd5ajVCbA%3D%3D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-image: linear-gradient(rgba(68, 68, 68, 0) 50%, rgba(68, 68, 68, 0.247059) 0px); background-position: 0px 1.15em; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 1em 2px; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.15em; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Men honked their horns three times more quickly than women when drivers in front did not move on a green light.”</span></a></li>
</ul>
<ul style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 21px; list-style: none; margin: 15px 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 35px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<li style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style-type: disc; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbsnews.com%2Fnews%2Fmen-vs-women-who-are-safer-drivers%2F&t=MGQyNGFlMTk2Mzg0YWFjOWNkODFlMmEzZTQ0ZDNlMzZkYmNlODNkMCxJNGd5ajVCbA%3D%3D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-image: linear-gradient(rgba(68, 68, 68, 0) 50%, rgba(68, 68, 68, 0.247059) 0px); background-position: 0px 1.15em; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 1em 2px; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.15em; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Men are 3.4 times more likely than women to get a ticket for reckless driving.”</span></a></li>
</ul>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">There’s nothing inherently wrong with getting angry at someone for cutting you off or driving in front of you going 10 miles below the speed limit. I experience anger about those things all the time…the problem is the expression of aggressive and dangerous behavior because you’re angry. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">I want to segue into a discussion of toxic masculinity here, but like I said, I’m tired, so let me summarize it with this: fuck road bullies.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helveticaneue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"> </span><br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-86972151596821125822016-07-15T15:48:00.000-05:002016-07-15T16:16:12.422-05:00Ghostbusters: Sheroes<i>This piece is relatively spoiler free...mild spoilers in point B below, which you can skip if you want.</i><br />
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Unless you've been under a rock, you're quite aware that a new Ghostbusters reboot has debuted and it stars an all female cast..<br />
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Unless you've been under a rock for a REALLY long time, you're also aware that since it's first announcement, this movie has been picked to death by what I will refer to throughout this piece as "salty fanboys." Here's the kind of person I mean by saying that:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Cis men, typically white, who can't imagine anyone other than<i> someone</i> <i>just like them </i>being the lead in an action movie. </li>
<li>Said men who cry about their "childhoods being ruined" by a reboot with an all female cast. </li>
<li>Said men who are the kind of people who probably harass ("troll") women online and use the term "friendzone" and "nice guy" unironically.</li>
<li>Said men who would down vote the YouTube trailer and claim that the movie is total garbage months before ever seeing it. </li>
</ol>
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So anyway, because salty fanboys got their salty fanboy panties in a bunch, this movie, starring Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, and Kate McKinnon, got way more attention than it would have otherwise. And because salty fanboys indulged in so much fucking misogyny with their salty fanboy tears, I really, really needed this movie to be actually good. </div>
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GUESS WHAT?! IT IS!!!<br />
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I saw it last night and, while it's far from perfect, it was highly enjoyable. I was laughing the whole time, particularly at Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon who were my faves by far, and I now super ship their characters. </div>
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It was a damn delight. </div>
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But beyond that the move did something super amazing and super important--<b>it wove in its own strong response to these salty fanboys in the best fucking possible ways. </b></div>
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A) JOKES: It had a few jokes that called out the salty fanboys specifically. More than once the characters post their videos of ghost busting online and they react indignantly to misogynistic comments they receive...serving as an all too familiar reminder to those of us in the "real world" that the movie itself received it share of similar comments; comments which seem absurd but are quite based in reality.</div>
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B) STORY: The main villain is basically a salty fanboy!!!! <i>Reminder, this is where it gets mildly spoilery. </i>We learn that the guy releasing all the ghosts in NY is someone who has felt really bullied and marginalized. He's clearly a "nerd" guy who was picked on and resents the world. At one point he's in a self indulgent cry baby rant about how the Ghostbusters must have always been treated as humans if they don't understand why he would be trying to get revenge. And Melissa McCarthy's character is like (paraphrasing) "Are you kidding me? People are always shitting on us." YES!!!! It's such a great call out of "geek boys" who have felt really excluded and harassed their whole lives but then turn to perpetuating the hate against women. </div>
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I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. </div>
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I had no idea that the creators would be so skillfully weaving in real time response to the shit they took for making this film. It was delicious. </div>
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As delicious as salty fanboy tears when I think about how all of my friends have liked the movie so far and it has a 75% on Rotten Tomatoes as the point of me writing this. </div>
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Delicious indeed. </div>
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-43919246403021757982016-06-27T10:58:00.001-05:002016-06-27T11:34:09.851-05:00I'm so happy right now. So happy. Nothing can rain on my parade today. <a href="http://kut.org/post/supreme-court-strikes-down-abortion-restrictions-texas">HB2 in Texas was ruled unconstitutional today in the Whole Women's Health v. Hellerstedt case</a>.<br />
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THANK GOODNESS.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb2kLdlAgVYb_W039eEsINj6ghVPBmvYbG4lOn-ckD4M4gvXPl8TDKv__AEeDUMcugXdHlE8R2ZJCrTVgFEL7IN_zWykrbUtKRLkv4rzrvXi8vRFxuYo0DyfWLWgAPvkDN0hSeX6Q-BZQ/s1600/Rotunda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb2kLdlAgVYb_W039eEsINj6ghVPBmvYbG4lOn-ckD4M4gvXPl8TDKv__AEeDUMcugXdHlE8R2ZJCrTVgFEL7IN_zWykrbUtKRLkv4rzrvXi8vRFxuYo0DyfWLWgAPvkDN0hSeX6Q-BZQ/s320/Rotunda.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Just over three years ago, I spent <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/search/label/Summer%202013%20at%20the%20Texas%20Capitol">countless hours at the capitol with many other people fighting against HB2</a>. I was there when Wendy Davis led the filibuster. I've never felt more connected to a group of activists rallied behind a singular cause in my life. It was really, really special. And it was devastating to know that in a special session, Texas republicans would barrel through with those restrictive and dangerous laws anyway.<br />
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So the relief that I feel today is immense. Three years of building anxiety are lifted--and that's just from me, as a privileged person, who hasn't even been unduly burdened by this disgusting legislation.<br />
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Thank you, SCOTUS...(specifically Breyer, Kennedy, Ginsburg, Sotomayor, Kagan, and Ginsburg) THANK YOU, THANK YOU!<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-15304048843099941672016-05-15T21:11:00.002-05:002016-05-15T22:02:35.503-05:00Being a "good" abuse victim[Content note: detailed accounts of abuse]<br />
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I've been pretty scarce around these parts...I'm busy, tired, and uninspired. I mean, that would be why I issued an official notice that I don't blog much anymore forever ago. I guess I should probably stop feeling guilty about it.<br />
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ANYWAY...I'm here because a post that came across my dash on Tumblr caught my eye. (If you haven't already picked up on it...I'm way active over at Tumblr and that's a much better way to interact w/ me if you want. If anyone is reading this and isn't already on it :))<br />
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The post was about abuse. Written by <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2012/08/why-narrowly-define-rape-hint-rape.html">noctis-nova</a>. It said: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When you say you’re the victim of abuse you are supposed to, by the common understanding, be able to bring up very specific episodes of that abuse in order to “prove its really abuse”.
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But a lot of abuse just doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes they just wore you down constantly. Sometimes you couldn’t put your finger on it, but felt all of effects none-the-less. Sometimes its so plain awful that you’ve repressed it. Sometimes it was so damn insidious that you normalized it until one day years later you mention it and someone gives you a look of shock and you realize it wasn’t normal.
All of you. Any of you. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You are all just as valid as someone who wrote a whole damn memoir on the thing.</blockquote>
If you've read much of my content here, it shouldn't be surprising that this spoke to me. I've already written about the ideas of "<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2011/05/good-fatty.html">good fatties</a>" and "<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2012/08/why-narrowly-define-rape-hint-rape.html">good rape victims</a>." This quote is definitely talking about what I would call "good abuse victims" and speaking up for people who don't fit that mold.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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As someone who is open about the abuse that I suffered from my father throughout my life, I know all too well what this person is talking about. The vast majority of the abuse I experienced was insidious control, manipulation, and emotional games...withholding support and/or affection until I behaved a certain way...requiring me to perform exhausting (sometimes dangerous) "chores" to teach "hard work" (like spending breaks digging a trench around our house) ...strict adherence to following a set of ever evolving, very specific, hard to keep track of and pinpoint rules and, if I deviated from them, them all hell broke loose...pushing me to practice sports I wasn't naturally talented at until I was falling over and crying...pushing me to study until I got perfect grades or I couldn't leave the house...calling me every name in the book...continuously insulting and objectifying my changing and growing body.<br />
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This was my day-in-day-out. This was my reality from about 8 to 18, with a less intense version until I cut ties with him at 25. I was always afraid of my dad but endlessly craved the moments I had apparently done something OK and he was happy with me. But I always felt I wasn't good enough. I was always trying to be perfect, and then, when I inevitably wasn't, I was always trying to hide my mistakes and avoid his wrath (like a B on a test or not doing a chore good enough.)<br />
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But when abuse comes up, all too often, the only way that I feel I can gain any credibility in the discussion is to talk about the times he hit me.<br />
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If I am being honest with myself, the scars I carry now are MUCH deeper from everything I described above, not the occasional physical abuse, traumatic as it might have been.<br />
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There is some kind of sick hierarchy that we have built as a society which considers all that other stuff "not really abuse."<br />
<br />
Recently I published a submission on FacebookSexism that made me want to delete the whole fucking blog when it took off.<a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/144126564912/mr-man-under-the-moon-facebooksexism"> It's here</a>. So. many. people. left comments on it saying things like, "You think <b><i>that's</i></b> abusive, haha!" or whatever. I blocked and blocked as fast as I could, but more comments popped up than I could keep up with.<br />
<br />
It was incredibly triggering for me because my dad saying shit like, "You have it so easy" and "I'll give you something to really cry about" was part of my life. People commenting over and over again felt like that and a couple of nights my anxiety was so high, I couldn't think about anything else. (Side note: I used to think that it was weak or foolish to admit when something like this affected me. Fuck that.)<br />
<br />
I kept wanting reply to all these people by saying, "BUT HE ALSO BEAT ME TOO!!!! THIS KIND OF STUFF WAS PART OF A WEB OF *REAL* ABUSE!!!!"<br />
<br />
See...I don't think that emotional abuse is any less real than physical. As mentioned, my emotional abuse has more deeply damaged me. BUT the narrative around what is "real" abuse is so strong, I wanted to undermine my own truth to make a point.<br />
<br />
I wanted to be a "good abuse victim." I wanted my point to be taken seriously. And this isn't the first time this has happened...I've said a few things before when posts about abuse at FacebookSexism took off and people were all, "that's not REALLY abuse" which threw other emotional abuse victims under the bus.<br />
<br />
I'm not doing that anymore.<br />
<br />
Coming out of the other side of that whole debacle impacted me in two ways.<br />
<br />
1) I realized that I don't have the emotional space to manage posting submissions like that anymore. If someone sends in something that is indicative of emotional abuse and I get a sinking suspicion it will be hijacked by abuse apologists, I'm not going to publish it anymore because it's too triggering for me. (I had a bad feeling that would happen with the current example)<br />
<br />
AND more importantly,<br />
<br />
2) I had it reaffirmed in my mind that I have to resist the urge to prove myself as a "good abuse victim." As the quote above says, my experience is valid. I don't owe anyone examples and I certainly don't need to further hurt others when I try to prove myself.<br />
<br />
I can't stop abuse apologists anyway--"good abuse victim" or not.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-91265583294935398182016-03-28T11:18:00.001-05:002016-03-28T11:18:28.623-05:00Help make abortion accessible! Hey everyone!<br />
<br />
Once again I am participating in the <a href="http://bowlathon.nnaf.org/anerdyfeminist#.VvlTl-IrJD8">National Abortion Access Bowl-a-Thon.</a> You may remember this from last year..the gist is that I’m raising money to help keep abortion accessible for low income people.<br />
<br />
As most of you know, I live in one of the worst states in the US to try to seek an abortion: Texas. The restrictive laws that are now in effect (which Wendy Davis tried to block in 2013 <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/search/label/Summer%202013%20at%20the%20Texas%20Capitol">and I fought along side thousands of other Texans for weeks against</a>) are<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/02/politics/supreme-court-abortion-texas/"> in front of the supreme court </a>for how unconstitutional they are.<br />
<br />
It’s imperative that I do my part to try to help people who are seeking abortions in the middle of these abhorrent restrictions.<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://bowlathon.nnaf.org/anerdyfeminist#.VvlTl-IrJD8">PLEASE HELP! I’m just looking to raise $100 (although more would be great :) If even just a small part of readers would give $5, we could help SO MANY people! </a></b><br />
<br />
And yes, my team is Prince themed, so there’s a bonus.<br />
<br />
<figure data-orig-height="216" data-orig-width="245"><img alt="image" data-orig-height="216" data-orig-width="245" src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/ec6dc635107726a91b125b374d1b1071/tumblr_inline_o4rb29fo3z1r56m25_500.gif" /></figure><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-64211228172724814642016-03-01T18:35:00.001-06:002016-03-01T18:35:18.223-06:00A microaggression[Content note: rape "joke", rape culture.]<br />
<br />
<i>Originally shared on my Tumblr. </i><br />
<br />
Little story for y’all.<br />
<br />
I work for a wonderful feminist nonprofit. It often creates a bubble for me; one that when I wander out of it, can be a little jarring. But it’s so lovely when I’m in it.<br />
<br />
I wandered out of that bubble today, by accident.<br />
<br />
Our organization offices in a large office building with lots of male dominated companies (we appear to be one of the few tenants with a majority of female employees.)
Today when I was heading out for an afternoon meeting the elevator stopped on the floor below ours…the floor known for almost all dude employees. 3 such dudes were waiting for the elevator…the kind of dudes who are “grown up” (loosely used here) fraternity bros. The kind of white dudes who reek of privilege and entitlement. But I digress.<br />
<br />
Apparently one of the 3, when the elevator doors opened, was hamming it up for the other 2, facing them, not the elevator doors. So when the elevator dings and the doors open, he continued telling his story to them, walking in the elevator backward, almost right into me. So move back as far as I can and then I held my hand out to stop him from fully plowing me over in the elevator. He realized, apologized, and his fellow bros give him a hard time about not paying attention, seeming like a creep, etc.<br />
<br />
In his apologies and their mocking him, the two who didn’t run into me somehow got into a “”””JOKE”””” of:<br />
<br />
“You’ll have to excuse him, he’s the kind of guy who beckons to kids from a white panel van with candy.”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, he’s the kind of guy you have to watch your drink around.”<br />
<br />
WHAT?<br />
<br />
Luckily, it was a quick elevator ride so I was able to get the fuck out of there. But liiiiiiike what kind of douche do you have to be to make a “’’’’joke’’’’’ like that to some random woman who is ALONE with 3 weirdo dudes in an elevator who has already been cramped into the corner by them…?<br />
<br />
I can’t.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-55667309813392056902016-02-23T10:00:00.000-06:002016-02-23T10:00:00.275-06:00A quick note on Kesha and rape culture[Content note: rape, abuse]<br />
<br />
I don't have the wherewithal or knowledge to write about this in detail, and lord knows that many, many people are doing the topic far more justice than I could...but let me not go without saying my support of Kesha in her legal battle against Dr. Luke and Sony.<br />
<br />
I've read a ton on the case, but mostly from opinion pieces, so I can't say I have a full picture of it all. However, when a Facebook friend posted a status yesterday asking how we can be sure that the allegations against Dr. Luke are correct, I couldn't help but pipe up.<br />
<br />
My reply was this counter question: How can someone EVER gather "concrete proof" that they were raped/abuse/controlled over a number of years by someone very close to them? I think about my own past of abuse and I have literally no way to prove or show it. My memories and the internal scars I carry are all there is. <br />
<br />
As was recently suggested to me <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/139518192027/like-i-said-the-other-day-rape-culture-thrives-on">over on Tumblr, "rape culture thrives on the premise that absence of evidence is evidence of absence.</a>"<br />
<br />
It's so true.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-52986400386081241352016-01-22T12:30:00.000-06:002016-01-22T12:53:49.767-06:00On Political Compromise and the 2016 ElectionThis topic has been bouncing around my head for a few days. First, I began to think about this deeply based on a discussion with some lovely friends over dinner the other day. We wandered down the path of the Democratic primary election, and I mentioned my fondness for Bernie Sanders. My friends both are leaning Hillary Clinton's direction and one of the reasons they cited is that she seems more likely, in their view, to be able to reach across the aisle and actually make bipartisan progress on issues with Republicans.<br />
<br />
I'm not entirely sure I buy that take on Hillary, but that's not what I'm focusing on at the moment. It just made me more interested in the the mere idea of political compromise as a virtue.<br />
<br />
I couldn't help but feel that if the three of us had been Republicans discussing those primary choices (gag), we wouldn't have been evaluating candidates on ability to compromise. I think I can say that most people are familiar with the recent trend for the Republican party to be the "<a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=the+party+of+no&oq=the+party+of+no&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.1644j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=0&ie=UTF-8">party of no</a>." Through the Obama presidency, their main objective, sometimes explicitly stated, has been to block legislation and progress.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thinking about this after my dinner discussion with friends made me wonder, <i style="font-weight: bold;">why</i> do more left leaning folks in the US seem to feel that we bear the responsibility of compromise? Is this a real thing or is it just my perception?<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
In listening to a recent episode of the Diane Rehm show (the morning after, great timing!) I learned that most Republican party members actually agree with this apparent mentality of their elected officials to not budge. The show segment was called <i>The Evolution and Future of American Conservatism </i>(<a href="http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2016-01-20/the-evolution-and-future-of-american-conservatism">which you can read or listen to in full here</a>.) One of the guests was E.J. Dionne Jr. a senior fellow at Brookings, columnist at The Washington Post, and author of "Why the Right Went Wrong." He shared:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Pew asked a great question in 2013. Do you support politicians who make compromises with people you disagree with, or do you prefer politicians who stick to their principles? Among Democrats, 59 percent preferred compromise seekers. Among Republicans, only 36 percent did...this polarization is not equal.</blockquote>
Ok, so this isn't just in my mind--it's very real.<br />
<br />
Again, I ask <i style="font-weight: bold;">why</i> do left leaning folks in the US seem to feel that we bear the responsibility of compromise? Or maybe better put, <b>why do US Conservatives think that compromise is bad?</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I'm sure there are a number of theories one could postulate (I'm hypothesizing one which equates compromise and harmony with femininity and too many conservatives have bought into toxic views of masculinity where working together is seen as weakness...flip flopping...whatev.)<br />
<br />
The thing is, compromise is obviously necessary and important for actually getting things done. A government which is run by people who all entirely refuse to budge on anything will not serve the people they are elected to represent.<br />
<br />
I get that. No argument.<br />
<br />
But I do want to take it back to Bernie and Hillary--in their case, is ability to compromise something that should actually be a determining factor between the two? (And if it is, can we even say that Hillary is better at it?)<br />
<br />
I'd argue for me that compromise ISN'T always good--in fact, sometimes compromise is antithetical to my values. This is chiefly because the "other side" has become increasingly bigoted in recent years and months. Flagrant racism and xenophobia are displayed by major Republican party candidates more now than ever...if those views translate into policies on which Democrats are meant to compromise on, then how can a middle ground possibly be found by anyone who actually cares about justice and equity?<br />
<br />
In other words, <b>should </b>I prefer a candidate with a greater ability to compromise given the current political landscape? Why can't Democrats draw lines in the sand like the Republicans do? Or maybe my question isn't why can't we but rather, <i style="font-weight: bold;">why don't we </i>given all that is going on now?<br />
<br />
It reminds me, in a very small way, of the "debates" that pop up online (I'm thinking specifically of Tumblr) where one person says something social justice oriented and another person comes back with a bigoted view...when the first person blocks the bigot, they're accused of not "listening to other perspectives." (Example: I was recently called immature/close minded for blocking someone who thought that rape/racist/etc. jokes are like, totes no big deal.) I don't owe someone a "discussion" or a "debate" or my time if what they're saying is 100% hate and damaging to others.<br />
<br />
Holding some principles very firm and uncompromisingly isn't the same thing as not negotiating nuanced inner workings policy. Democrats might do well to remember this as we go into a new political landscape for 2016 and beyond. If a Republican led congress is championing racist, sexist, xenophobic, classist, etc. legislation, then Democrats will have a DUTY to invest in a little nay sayinging of their own, if they wish to be ethical leaders for the general public.<br />
<br />
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-24128380584228122682016-01-02T17:43:00.001-06:002016-01-02T17:43:39.930-06:00The January Body Positive Blues[Content note: fatphobic/weight/food stuff.]<br />
<br />
I talk about this nearly every year. January is the season to truly hate our bodies. We come out of the holidays with all of those <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2014/01/tis-season-to-feel-like-crap-about-your.html">INDULGE messages and then suddenly in January</a>, we're supposed to set a <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2011/12/rethinking-new-years-resolutions.html">resolution</a> to work out, eat "better," lose weight--and generally feel shameful about our flabby, doughy, *DISGUSTING* bodies while torturing ourselves into thinness just in time for "bathing suit season."<br />
<br />
It's enough to make even the most body positive bitch, like yours truly, get a case of the January blues.<br />
<br />
One of the things that bugs me the most about this time of year is that it is NEVER a quiet, internal "I want to get back in shape" process that individuals embark upon on their own. Nope--it's VERY driven by the billion dollar weight loss industry, EVERYONE gets in on it, and it's continuously in your face.<br />
<br />
Take advertisements this time of year. You don't even have to listen carefully to hear it, because it will be smashed upside your head. Every gym is running a special. Restaurants roll out their "light" menus (which are all buried by March.) Department stores like Kohls and Old Navy move their active wear to the front of the store and begin running special promotions. Special K is. every. where.<br />
<br />
Bleh.<br />
<br />
What bothers me most, above all, is how the messages reach the youngest ears, especially from the adults around them. Adult women (mothers, aunts, etc.) who have internalized this pressure have enormous impact on the body image formation of girls, and perpetuate it with them. In my line of work, I do frequent research on this topic for grants...and needless to say, the situation grows more grim all the time. According to a 2013 CDC study, only 4% of high school aged girls were not actively trying to lose weight (compared to 67% of boys.) A study of girls ages 3-6 in the Southern US showed that nearly 50% of them were already worried about their weight. (British Journal of Psychology, 2010.) <br />
<br />
Ages 3-6!<br />
<br />
I think about a mom at an event I was at recently. She couldn't stop talking about how terrible the holidays are for your weight and how she wasn't going to eat anything and get "fatter" this year. All while 20 or so 13-17 year olds were nearby. This woman was intending no ill will toward the girls (including her daughter). She only spoke of her own dissatisfaction with her own body. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Talking shit about ourselves in front of kids isn't just about us. It's inherently teaching them how to view themselves too. "If she thinks she's fat, what does she think about me?" "If she's disgusting, maybe I'm disgusting."<br />
<br />
This mentality sets off a domino effect. It is inextricably linked to never feeling good enough, undue emphasis placed on physical attributes, and complicated, toxic, unhealthy relationships with food and eating.<br />
<br />
It's got to stop some place, right? Why not with us?<br />
<br />
Listen, I can't avoid the January body positive blues all together. I can't stop the endlessly fatphobic messages of the media. It's going to be there as long as profit motives rule.<br />
<br />
But I'm not entirely powerless either. I can stop my own perpetuation of these messages. I can refuse to talk like that mom. I can refuse to purchase products which pander to this mentality. I can start discussions about this with others. I can point out toxic message when I hear them. I can encourage critical media consumption. I can (try) to practice radical self-love and acceptance (which, really, is a huge middle finger to the whole system when you think about it.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-80759933586821025152015-12-15T20:51:00.001-06:002015-12-15T22:04:36.136-06:00No more Christmas pictures like this...NO MORESometimes something is just so messed up, I MUST write about it. Immediately.<br />
<br />
Today is one of those days.<br />
<br />
Let me start by saying this, if I were to start a comprehensive list of all the bullshit that we DON'T need more of in our society, I'd probably have a hand cramp in about 20 minutes and would have only just begun what would be a life long endeavor. So for now, I'll just suggest ONE item for the list: <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/135277772657/doodlemolee-said-it-took-me-a-minute-of-staring">a new, misogynistic brand of Christmas pictures that has popped up this holiday season. </a><br />
<br />
The first I heard of this, a coworker showed me one from her Facebook feed because she knew I'd share her disgust. Not but a week later, another similar image was submitted to <a href="http://www.facebooksexism.tumblr.com/">FacebookSexism</a>.<br />
<br />
Here are the pictures in question<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://41.media.tumblr.com/d4bda3b3c3e540ed21abe34c5de96cd7/tumblr_nzf1trXaDC1re567io1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" class="ready cursor-zoom-in" data-height="1280" src="http://41.media.tumblr.com/d4bda3b3c3e540ed21abe34c5de96cd7/tumblr_nzf1trXaDC1re567io1_1280.jpg" data-src="http://41.media.tumblr.com/d4bda3b3c3e540ed21abe34c5de96cd7/tumblr_nzf1trXaDC1re567io1_1280.jpg" data-width="889" height="640" id="content-image" width="443" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://40.media.tumblr.com/eaa23942cfee308fd25dd4587cc651a8/tumblr_inline_nzf8abxCFf1r56m25_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://40.media.tumblr.com/eaa23942cfee308fd25dd4587cc651a8/tumblr_inline_nzf8abxCFf1r56m25_500.png" height="640" style="-webkit-user-select: none;" width="494" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Yes, that's right. These "cutesy" holiday family photos depict the husband/sons saying a variation of "finally peace on earth" and the mothers/daughters with DUCT TAPED MOUTHS AND BOUND BY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. This is some kind of trend apparently...?<br />
<br />
I feel like it should be totally unnecessary for me to explain why this is fucked up, and how invoking violent, misogynistic imagery isn't ok, but just in case, to add to the list of bullshit we DON'T need anymore there's also:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Messages for girls that they shouldn't speak up. </li>
<li>Messages which "joke" that kidnapping, abuse, and even rape can be alluded to in a cutesy/playful way.</li>
<li>Messages for girls that their thoughts/opinions/voices, etc. are "annoying" or otherwise not peaceful. </li>
<li>Messages that boys/men are in charge. </li>
<li>Messages that boys/men are the only ones worth hearing from. </li>
<li>Messages which send implicit normalization of abuse of women/girls. </li>
<li>Messages which send implicit normalization of control of women/girls.</li>
</ol>
<div>
That's just what I can think off the top of my head! If you're in the crowd that thinks this garbage is "cute" I'd love for you to explain WHY in a way which doesn't directly invoke and play into one of these 7 messages that I've listed. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Please, try. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm waiting. </div>
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-90867092571927664692015-11-21T17:56:00.002-06:002015-11-21T17:56:55.453-06:00Just eat the whole damn thing[Content note: food and weight stuff.]<br />
<br />
With Thanksgiving less than a week away, my brain as been fine tuned to the up-tick in food shaming that is all around us....(and of course the ever present <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2014/01/tis-season-to-feel-like-crap-about-your.html">doubly confusing </a>"indulge! indulge!" of November/December followed by the "change yourself, you disgusting fat fuck!" of January.)<br />
<br />
One of my favorite things to write about this time of year is how we can <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2012/11/10-steps-to-fat-shame-free-thanksgiving.html">step away from fat shaming</a> during the holidays and <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2013/12/self-care-and-resources-for-getting.html">take care of ourselves</a> through what is often a stressful time of year.<br />
<br />
This year, I'd like to add this message to the mix: Just eat the whole damn thing, ladies.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-Xe5bGOYkVzSyUhnX94YUgYTa5K1clO74sq5QPQcbuCs98hyniCOXW6IJxLZaclR0q194xPUg7aCc7TRj2yCAYdcYO71WiPjYCQ3dqpJLNmyTvtZr0eYtZeku8QrFMKTYYUUqeF67uM/s1600/liz.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo-Xe5bGOYkVzSyUhnX94YUgYTa5K1clO74sq5QPQcbuCs98hyniCOXW6IJxLZaclR0q194xPUg7aCc7TRj2yCAYdcYO71WiPjYCQ3dqpJLNmyTvtZr0eYtZeku8QrFMKTYYUUqeF67uM/s400/liz.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image text: Gif of Liz Lemon saying, "I can't have it all!" while eating a doughnut and her mouth is full.]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A couple of recent experiences have made me think about this:<br />
<br />
1) I volunteered at an event recently with a pregnant woman who was obviously usually very thin. The event had a DELICIOUS dessert that we were all eating and she was talking about how the best thing about being pregnant is eating dessert and not feeling guilty because you can just say that the baby wants to eat it....Sigh. Ya know, because <b>you</b> wanting to eat it isn't enough.<br />
<br />
2) I realized that one of my biggest pet peeves is when people split up pieces of food in a shared space (ie, taking half of a doughnut and leaving the other half in box in the break room.) It's a pet peeve because I don't want fondled half foods but also because I've realized this is one of those "things women do." I posted about it on Facebook and it spawned dozens of comments, ALL of whom were women many admitting they do this themselves; often because, I quote, "I'm trying to trick myself into thinking I'm not going to come back and just eat the other half."<br />
<br />
So let me drive my point home.<br />
<br />
Just eat. Eat the whole damn thing. Eat what you want.<br />
<br />
EAT.<br />
<br />
When you're around your Thanksgiving table next week or when you're at a holiday party or whatever over the next 6 weeks (and forever!)<b> if you want to eat something, please, for the love of god, EAT IT. </b><br />
<br />
And if you don't want to eat it, then don't. That's fine.<br />
<br />
But in either case, don't contribute to judgey, guilt-ridden, value-laden toxic relationships with food that permeate our society.<br />
<br />
I'm sick of comments like what I mentioned in #1. Can't we all just eat, drink, and be merry? It's not eat, drink, and constantly-feel-like-shit-about-everything-you-put-in-your-body.<br />
<br />
You're not a bad person if you eat what you want to eat. You're not a bad person if that's a whole cupcake or 6 Christmas cookies or extra butter on your potatoes (and you're not a better person if you drink kale smoothies and only eat organic quinoa salads). You're not a bad person if your weight fluctuates or if you skip a workout or if you binge watch Netflix on your couch for 2 days straight.<br />
<br />
Nothing about your body or appetite makes you a bad person. I promise.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-90303480343640466842015-10-21T13:00:00.000-05:002015-10-23T14:16:49.907-05:00Teaching Kids to Lie...Because Santa.This isn't really "feminist" or even "important" but in this space I get to write and process whatever I want, so deal.<br />
<br />
Today, I read two things, back to back on my social media pages, that gave me pause. First was <a href="http://vamp-jewess.tumblr.com/post/131629267616/when-a-child-is-punished-for-their-honesty-they">a post on Tumblr</a> which read, "When a child is punished for their honesty, they begin to lie."<br />
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The next was this image on Facebook:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.skimbacolifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/when-you-stop-believing-in-santa-claus-you-get-underwear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.skimbacolifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/when-you-stop-believing-in-santa-claus-you-get-underwear.jpg" height="320" width="222" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">[Image text reads: "When you stop believing in Santa Claus, you get underwear."]</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Besides the obvious illustration of the difference between my Facebook feed and my Tumblr dashboard, I thought this was interesting to see back to back.<br />
<br />
I've long been disturbed by the, "you must believe in Santa Claus!" rule that permeates our society. Maybe it's because I don't have kids so I don't get the appeal, but I'm not sure why this is SUCH an important lie Christian families in America feel they must tell their kids.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to the mythology and fun around Santa, and signing gifts as from Santa or whatever...but the full on creation and pushing of the lie that HE ABSOLUTELY DOES EXIST AND GAVE YOU THOSE GIFTS AND THE ELF ON THE SHELF IS WATCHING AND DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION IT is beyond me.<br />
<br />
I know numerous families, including my own, where kids <i><b>aren't allowed</b></i> to say stuff like, "Santa isn't real!" and if you do, then the response is, automatically, "Ok, well you don't get gifts anymore!" What kid is going to be like, "That's cool, keep your gifts and your dirty lies, Grandma, Santa is a hoax." They, instead, begin indulging in the continuation of the lie, pretending they don't know how it works, and teaching the lie to younger kids, and so on.<br />
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Of course, I know there's a difference between this lie and lies which are directly intended to hurt people--but how are parents able to mange the cognitive dissonance around punishing their kids for lying, but then saying this kind of stuff to them?<br />
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What would be so bad about a discussion of the spirit of giving at Christmas, and Santa as a symbol of that...but the gift giving is between actual, real life people? Why does it have to be "Believe in Santa!!!!"<br />
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It weirds me out.<br />
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I think there is value to the phrase that I started this all with: "When a child is punished for their honesty, they begin to lie." I hate the idea of punishing kids for speaking their truth...whether is something as small as, "Hey, I don't think that this Santa thing is what the adults are making out to be..." all they way up to bigger things that parents really need to know and listen to like, "I'm not a boy" or "I don't like it when Uncle Rob comes over."<br />
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Just a thought.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-5508842668297282862015-10-05T10:00:00.000-05:002015-10-05T23:03:20.899-05:00That gross feeling when...[Content note: rape culture]<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/search/label/rape">I've written about rape culture ad nauseam</a>, but every now and then one of its artifacts pops up and takes me by surprise.<br />
<br />
Well, maybe not "surprise," but "disgust," at least.<br />
<br />
Last week I had free tickets to <i>Sicario, </i>Emily Blunt's latest starring role. It's a rather grim film about the government's work against drug cartels on the boarder. It's also one of the more violent things I've watched recently...but that's not why I'm writing. All I knew about <i>Sicario</i> going into it is that there had been some rumblings about how Blunt's <a href="http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-et-mn-emily-blunt-sicario-20150924-story.html">character was almost rewritten to be a man</a>. So my interest was mildly piqued. I kept looking for some interesting gender dynamic, but nothing really emerged that was of much interest to me anyway.<br />
<br />
But then came the moment that stuck with me. It was something so "small" but is truly my take away, and it has very little to do with the actual film and a whole lot to do with the audience and our society. In one scene, Blunt's (male) partner, played by Daniel Kaluuya, was being subdued by a Navy Seal and the Seal says something along the lines of, "Just lie back and take it baby."<br />
<br />
Then half the audience laughed.<br />
<br />
It sent a gross chill down my spine and Ronald immediately looked at me and temporarily broke his "never, ever speak in the Alamo Drafthouse" rule to say, "That's not fucking funny..." with a concerned/confused look.<br />
<br />
And the thing is, it wasn't funny. Not only because it's a disgusting reference to rape, but also because, as mentioned, this movie is GRIM. It's not one of those serious flicks with a periodic laugh to break the tension. I mean, I think there was maaaaybe one other light, slightly humorous moment where Kaluuya pokes fun at Blunt's character for her bra, but that's it.<br />
<br />
My point is that even against the current emotional place this film puts you in, many people still chuckled at an allusion to rape. That's how strong rape culture is. That's how lightly we take it.<br />
<br />
(And it's not lost on me that Kaluuya is the film's only prominent black character, too.)<br />
<br />
Just to be clear--I don't even know if I'm calling out this film itself for that line, necessarily. In the context of the moment and the characters present, it's not unrealistic that one of those digesting men would have said something disturbing. Blunt and Kaluuya are outsiders in the world they're dropped in, and they're frequently unnerved by what the other characters are doing. It's not like these are "nice" people. They're actively abusing their power throughout the time. So maybe this moment was not written as a punch line.<br />
<br />
But the audience thought it was chuckle worthy, regardless.<br />
<br />
It still makes me kinda sick thinking about it. And like I said, this is a "small" thing. A throw away moment. Probably didn't stand out to or strike many other people. But to me, it's just another of the thousands of sad, daily examples our rape culture.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151168796057980778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-41021531390750051502015-09-11T21:40:00.000-05:002015-10-05T10:16:10.712-05:00Honoring the right to self preservation <span style="font-family: inherit;">Let's talk about honoring someone else's right to self preservation, or subtitle: why I won't be watching Nicole Arbour's "Dear Fat People" video.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few years ago, I learned a really important lesson from Trudy of <a href="http://www.gradientlair.com/">Gradient Lair</a>: It's not cool to send someone, "have you seen ____?" messages. I think when I first heard her talking about it, it was in a series of tweets I can't locate at the moment, but the heart of her ideas about this can be found at her piece entitled, "<a href="http://www.gradientlair.com/post/66091178875/stop-emailing-me-oppressive-bullshit">11 Things People Need to Stop Emailing Me</a>." She wrote: </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; text-align: justify;">99% of the time I heard about the same shit you heard about. Thus, I don’t need my Tumblr Inbox filled with a bunch of links to stories that I usually read 72 hours - 1 week before you sent them. Even if I did hear about something, I am NOT required to comment on it if I do not want to. I am not a 24 hour on-demand </span><a href="http://storify.com/thetrudz/i-am-not-a-24-hour-on-demand-opinion-generation-ma" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #834b18; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none; transition: all 0.15s ease-in-out 0s; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">opinion generation machine</a><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22px; text-align: justify;">. Conversely, sometimes I purposely skip stories because they are stressful, triggering or simply not of interest to me. And for Whites especially, stop emailing me every first grade level article or term you see on race. You’re in race kindergarten. I am Methuselah. So stop...</span></span></blockquote>
At the time, I was like, "Good point," filed this away in my brain, and moved on with my day...but as my own Tumblr picked up in popularity, I started to much better understand the importance of what she was saying. Of course, my white privilege has shielded me from anything near the harassment that Trudy faces on social media. But when Nicole Arbour's now infamous "Dear Fat People" video blew up, I got a taste of how much people need to remember to honor someone else's right to self preservation. And how annoying/disturbing a bulk of "have you seen ____" messages can be.<br />
<br />
As Trudy points out, sending something like this to someone can be potentially stressful or triggering. In the case of Arbour's video, I am a fat lady who blogs frequently about fatphobia and being a fat lady and all that entails. So I popped to mind for a few people when someone with a large platform was spewing off vile fatphobic bullshit. I get that. But it seems very different to wait and see if I'm going to talk about it than to start demanding I do. Suddenly my blogging email address and my Tumblr inbox at <a href="http://www.facebooksexism.tumblr.com/">FacebookSexism</a> had a few dozen mentions of the video. Some were just submissions of screenshots from people talking about it on Facebook. No problem. But some were "Did you see this?" and "What do you think about Nicole Arbour's video?"<br />
<br />
I haven't been moderating as much at FBS as I used to for a variety of reasons and the Arbour thing hit right when I was in the middle of one such NOT moderating time frame. But because my inbox had a steady trickle of content related to it, I went ahead and shared these comments, <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/128426303082/have-you-seen-nicole-arbours-dear-fat-people">tacking onto another plus size woman's thoughts</a>, who fielded a similar "what do you think?" question:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I have no need to watch it. I’ve heard it all my whole life which is why it’s so fucking absurd anyway (poising it as “finally someone said it” Ha!) PLUS I deserve some level of self preservation so I gotta avoid this one. </blockquote>
I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the mentality which leads a thin person to send a fat person a gushingly fatphobic video. Or a white person to send flagrantly white supremacist content to a black person...do y'all not see who messed up that is?<br />
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I get that these inquiries can be made in good faith...coming from an "I admire you and I want to know what your thoughts are on this" place. But because these questions are typically made to people with a very large and visible social media presence, you can just assume that they've already seen them and they don't need to be prodded to write about it. I mean, if I had it in me to watch Arbour spout off the same BS society had told me every day so I could put my reactions to it out there, I would.<br />
<br />
I was so fed up from the whole thing that I deleted 5-6 submissions for FBS about Arbour that would have been otherwise fine content to feature there, shaming people who defended her in comment threads, etc. But I was so over it that they hit the trash bin right along side the "What do you think?"s.<br />
<br />
Pause before you send a message like this to someone. Chances are your inquiry of this nature is unnecessary and a quick Google search would reveal 1) similar things the person you are approaching has already written or 2) other sources talking about the subject matter already that you can go read; people who are in the headspace/have the interest/time/whatever to tackle the topic. Shit, even go write about it yourself if you want. Just give someone a break before you try to introduce something into their lives which could not only unduly demand their time and attention, but also hurt them.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post.</i>A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-43903190143024293802015-08-21T13:30:00.000-05:002015-08-22T17:43:15.054-05:00I've hit the big time! And a quick note on being passive aggressiveAfter over 5 years of blogging here, I am pleased to announce that I have arrived. Today, I woke up to this glorious email...<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Good news! On Aug 21, 2015, we sent you a payment for your Google AdSense earnings. </i></blockquote>
I've done it. I've arrived. Hitting that sweet, sweet payment threshold is a game changer. As of today, I am $100.33 richer.<br />
<br />
I want to thank all of you who made this possible. Everyone who has ever visited here...with a special thanks to those of you who accidentally clicked on one of my Google AdSense ads and the anti-feminists who posted my blog to many, many hate mongering subreddits giving me a boost in page views. You've all helped me earn a part of this $100.33. I couldn't have done it without.<br />
<br />
I'll try not to change. I'll try to stay the person I've always been and remember my humble roots as I ascend to super stardom.<br />
<br />
Ok, enough sarcasm. As much as knowing that my work here has averaged out to about 15 cents a post stings, it was a happy surprise to get that email.<br />
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On to a totally unrelated topic. Last week, <a href="http://pettyrevenge.tumblr.com/post/126156844016/my-boyfriend-came-home-to-our-tiny-apartment-at-1">I saw this post going around Tumblr</a>, and I just want to comment on it briefly:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
My boyfriend came home to our tiny apartment at 1 AM on a weeknight with 4 of his obnoxious, drunken friends in tow. He knew I had to work the next day, he knew I absolutely hated those particular friends, and he knew I hate surprise guests. So I just went in the bedroom and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. This guy is a massively neurotic neat freak- he is physically unable to relax in a room that is not clean to his standards. So after he finally passed out, I went into the kitchen and poured maple syrup all over the floor and told him one of his idiot friends did it. He just about had a panic attack. It took him hours to get rid of the sticky. Those friends were never invited back.
</blockquote>
I know this is supposed to be a funny post and omg how hilarious that she solved her problem this way (if it's true) but let me just add: NO.<br />
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I literally can't think of a way to more passively aggressively treat your partner. This is how manipulative, toxic relationships operate. So before you give a chuckle and shrug it off, might I suggest that you leave this behavior as (hopefully) fake LOLz on the internet and NOT actual behavior in your relationship?<br />
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Cool? Cool.<br />
<br />
Now let me go make it rain with all my Washingtons. Happy Friday, y'all.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-43661622018728930602015-07-30T15:46:00.000-05:002015-07-30T15:51:18.852-05:00The Empty Chair and My Life [Content note: rape, rape culture, abuse, victim blaming]<br />
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A few days ago, the latest cover of New York Magazine sparked a lot of discussion. <a href="http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/35-women-and-theemptychair.html">It depicted 35 of Bill Cosby's rape victims seated, with an empty chair</a> at the end to symbolize the 11 other known victims, but also the women all around us who are survivors of sexual assault.<br />
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<a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23theemptychair&src=typd">#TheEmptyChair</a> was a following discussion on Twitter, that was both chilling and unsurprising. As a woman, I am all too aware of the prevalence of rape. I mean, I can throw all kind of statistics at you, but none of that is as real to me as the stories that I know from my own friends and family. Hearing that a sexual assault <a href="https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/frequency-of-sexual-assault">happens every 107</a> seconds in the US or that <a href="https://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims">1 in 6 American</a> women are survivors (a conservative figure) means very little compared to the deeply personal stories shared to me by those I love most. But these statistics are important because, still in the face of all the evidence, our rape culture continuously shames, silence, and blames survivors and victims.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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The Bill Cosby story highlights this better that perhaps any other in recent years, both because it is high profile and because of the sheer volume of victims who have spoken up. So it has rightfully gotten some attention...although not always positive attention. "Jokes" about it <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124616633592/was-already-going-to-unfriend-this-guy-because-of">run rampant</a> and, as others have pointed out, many people didn't even believe the women <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/123748347397/micdotcom-the-reaction-to-bill-cosbys-admission">until Cosby admitted to it himself</a>. <br />
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With the magazine cover and discussion and the tweets I read by following #TheEmptyChair, I decided that I want to share something I have learned about my own life.<br />
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Fortunately, I am not a survivor myself. But I have learned that I am the product of rape.<br />
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It's weird, disgusting, shameful, and sickening to admit, but it's true. As I'll expand on in a moment, I believe we MUST talk about these things and bring them into the light <i>so that we can change them</i>.<br />
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My dad was adopted. He never knew much about his biological family, except that the had other kids and they "couldn't afford" him. The people who were my grandparents adopted him at birth in 1954 and were the only concept of family he ever knew. We were all aware my dad was adopted, but my grandparents were the "let's not talk about it too much" type.<br />
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My grandfather died in 1996 and my grandmother in 2002. In 2003 my dad was contacted about his biological siblings looking for him. Had this happened any earlier, I'm sure he would have ignored it for the sake of my grandmother, but the timing was right and I know my dad wanted to better understand where he came from. By the fall of 2003, some of his bio siblings had come to visit us in Indiana and we had made a trip out to a huge family reunion in Missouri to meet "everyone." It was all very surreal... although I was 19, I don't remember much of the trip because it was overwhelming and a blur. But all in all, they were kind, friendly people who wanted to get to know us. Several of them even came to my wedding in 2009. I remember the biggest take away I had at the time was being around several of my dad's sisters and realizing that my body type suddenly made sense, which was oddly comforting.<br />
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One conversation stuck with me in particular, but because of my age, my lack of awareness in this area, and my general "wtf is happening, who are all these people?!" I didn't really reflect upon and examine it until much later. My mom is the kind of person who asks potentially invasive questions and doesn't really get why that's not always OK. She was probing some of my dad's sisters about their memories of childhood. Both of my bio grandparents were long dead (they would be well over 100 by now) so she wanted to ask the older siblings as much as she could. In the order of birth my dad was the second youngest of 8. He and his immediate older sister (numbers 6 and 7) were put up for adoption because the family was "dirt poor." My mom was trying to find out why that happened and the two oldest sisters were old enough to have remembered my dad being born.<br />
<br />
They told my mom that their mother never wanted to give up any of the kids. In fact, she didn't want to keep getting pregnant. But they described their dad (my biological grandfather) as a terrible, abusive drunk who "did what he wanted" to their mother who they all were clearly very fond of.<br />
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I remember feeling sick as they described this...just as I feel sick talking about it now.<br />
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They didn't get into much detail. After all, we were practically strangers at this point and I'm sure they wanted to focus on the happiness of meeting their brother they never knew. But I could certainly tell something terrible was at play.<br />
<br />
Years later, probably around 2011, after I had really started to think critically about rape culture and the prevalence of misogyny, abuse, and sexual assault, this conversation drifted back into my brain. I realized with total clarity that my grandfather was a rapist, my grandmother his victim, and my dad (and therefore I) are direct products of marital rape and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion">reproductive coercion</a>.<br />
<br />
As I think about it now, my eyes fill with tears for the grandmother I never knew. I honestly can't imagine her life...I can't imagine not feeling freedom over my own body in my home, being under the total control of someone in that manner, and then having children taken from me because he said that's what we had to do. It makes me so thankful for progress and my life now, but not so naive to think that this doesn't still happen to people.<br />
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I really don't know much else about my biological grandmother. In fact, I don't remember her name. (Since severing ties with my father for his own abuse, exacted upon me through control and emotional torture, I don't have much of a connection to those biological family members.) But what I do know is that I feel a spark inside me to try to make the world better so that less women know an experience like hers. I truly feel guilty that my life was made possible through her pain. If she would have been treated right, my life wouldn't even exist. <b>But since I do exist, and it is because of her pain, it reaffirms my commitment to work on these issues</b>, educate as many people as I can, and continue to my work with feminist nonprofits.<br />
<br />
And I am determined to let the abusive genes I carry from those men whose blood courses in my veins to die. That will not be the legacy I will leave for my hypothetical future children or anyone else.<br />
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This story is an insidious fact about my genetics. But I don't want to brush it under the rug. And to make it clear--your ancestors or relatives might not be that different from mine. Because of that prevalence of rape and abuse I mentioned above, <b>ALL</b> of us are connected to someone who is a survivor or rapist. If you don't know someone who immediately comes to mind, then that's just because you haven't been told yet.<br />
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So when I look at the Empty Chair, I see so many people, some of my dearest friends among them...and I see my biological grandmother who's face I don't even know. No matter how disgusting it feels to say, "I'm alive because of rape" I know that we owe it to our friends, family, and ourselves to put this issue in the light. It is our duty to look clearly at the world we exist in and try to change it. Rape is 100% preventable. It just takes NOT RAPING.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-31977210244237293872015-07-21T14:16:00.001-05:002015-07-21T16:48:17.575-05:00Unanswered questions[Content note: harassment]<br />
<br />
In being very active on Tumblr, I'm always a little unnerved when my posts are picked up by what I have affectionately termed the "<a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124597776537/whelp-the-queue-is-30-ish-posts-deep-and-so-im">pro-oppression</a> side."<br />
<br />
Ever since I started picking up followers, I've had a pretty steady stream of interactions with that side. <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124596586162/superprivilegedshitlord-minority-privilege">Some are more mundane than anything</a>. Every week I "ignore" dozens of them...and since Tumblr has recently upgraded it's ignore/block feature, I feel pretty good about every one of the hundreds of accounts I've put on that list.<br />
<br />
But when the pro-oppression folks hijack a post of mine, despite my pretty effective means of blocking them out of brain, they still raise infinite questions for me.<br />
<br />
...like, <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124671513702/geekandmisandry-facebooksexism">why would anyone be in the business </a>of trying to limit genders and gender expression of others? <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124631044442/facebooksexism-why-the-fuck-would-anyone-be-in">WHY DO YOU CARE?</a><br />
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And...just because you hate what I write about and do, is that REALLY a reason enough to create <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/124677278692/i-hope-you-get-cancer">entire fake accounts to harass me</a>? Does wishing me death further your cause?<br />
<br />
(Side note: there have probably been 3-4 accounts created in the past couple of years, with the sole intention of meticulously reblogging me and adding hate-filled commentary. I can't link to one right now because despite calling them out and using the awesome Mean Girls Regina George, "why are you so obsessed withe me?" gif, I can't find the posts. Which is actually probably better for my mental state right now.)<br />
<br />
Then there was the absolute creep who decided to attack me on all fronts, <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/115305820757/are-you-not-doing-this-site-or-nerdy-feminist">Tumblr</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/ChunkIngton2">Twitter</a>, and in my email. Someone who pretty clearly has dedicated a shit ton of time to harassing feminists. I want to ask them, why? How is that something you want to spend your time on?<br />
<br />
And even if you don't go to those incredible lengths, what are you doing in my <a href="http://facebooksexism.tumblr.com/post/116074559807/ewww-creep-in-my-2012-tweets-also-who-lied">3 year old tweets</a>? Do you think you'll change my mind?<br />
<br />
Why do you waste your time?<br />
<br />
Is your life that sad and empty?<br />
<br />
What do you gain from wanting feminists and other people who write about social justice to shut up? Why are you so threatened?<br />
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Ah yes, the unanswered questions. And they can't ever offer me an explanation, but I don't think they actually know themselves. They're not going to admit the truth anyway. (ie, I'm lonely. I'm afraid. I'm bored. I'm a bigot.)<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349382186889721635.post-47609702520159467112015-07-06T23:04:00.005-05:002015-07-06T23:04:59.178-05:00When You've Got a Case of the Rape Apologism[Content note: rape, rape apologism]<br />
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Whelp, another month has somehow managed to slip by. I can't even say that I've been too busy to write or anything, because I have been taking some days off work here and there to staycation. But r<a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2015/03/crickets.html">elieving myself of the needless imposed feeling that I MUST produce content has been pretty damn great,</a> I must admit, and thusly the content has been sparse and I'm much happier regardless.<br />
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Anyway, I'm not here to revel in my decision to write less. I'm here to talk about a disgusting rapist/rape apologist who I got this lovely gem of a comment from in my inbox today.<br />
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That's right folks, you saw it here first. "King Steve" thinks that asking people to <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2014/03/seeking-consent-isnt-mood-killer.html?m=1">seek consent</a> is like "contracts." (And I have genuinely no idea what is meant by "methodical/mechanical consent.")<br />
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Let me make it immensely clear, if someone say something like this, they are in all likelihood a rapist. I mean this very sincerely--who but a rapist would be opposed to consent...or try to say that issues of consent are as complicated as "contracts?" What motivation does anyone other than a rapist have to think like this? Why would anyone other than a rapist want to say, "Enthusiastic consent is ridiculous."<br />
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When you say something like this, you are sending a message out into the world that you cannot be trusted to respect the feelings or bodily autonomy of others. You are saying you are incapable of do something as simple as speaking to your partner. What might seem to someone like "King Steve" to be an offhanded comment about how "you need a law degree to understand this stuff" (or what-the-fuck-ever is meant by this) is more plainly understood by me as, "<b>I don't care about consent</b>."<br />
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No really.<br />
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Stop for a minute and think about this. And now try to tell me <b>why</b> someone who is a good person, generally cares about others, and is respectful of all boundaries would EVER engage in <a href="http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Rape_apology">rape apologism</a> like this. What would possibly be the reason, if not trying to justify their own bad behavior?<br />
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I'm waiting.<br />
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<i>Please see the <a href="http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/p/commenting-policy.html">commenting policy</a> before replying to this post. </i> A. Lynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00404038071133506982noreply@blogger.com0