This is a guest post by Mackenzie Busch, who blogs regularly at Fetus Frolic, where this piece originally appeared and was published with permission
I am old enough to remember a time when you had to call or meet someone in person to talk to them, even though technically I wasn’t dating until the “messenger” technology was the preferred mode of communication. While most of our communication is done via social media now, my favorite observations are those interactions that still occur in the wild. The first question I am asked at a bar, 9 times out of 10 is, “What do you do?”, I always want to twist this question because it has so many possibilities, but instead I err on the side of sarcasm, I live in Hollywood what the fuck do you think I do? I don’t want to answer that mundane question that’s killing my buzz. Instead I usually lie about my name and what I do, because I have never met a guy at a bar that went past that one night and it’s fun to be Lindsay the kindergarten teacher or Ashley the marine biologist that went to Yale (yes, some jackass believed you could study marine biology at Yale). It’s the poor man’s art of hooking up, and I have found that dudes really want to sleep with school teachers, they’re like the Big Foot of LA and smarmy little douches love to prey on the seemingly innocent. It gives me so much delight to watch these men try to work their way into a woman’s drawers, including my own, and why not fuck with them, it’s the only place women are given any power, for now.
I digress, I’m not here to talk about shooting fish in a barrel I am here to talk about hooking up, an area in which I fail miserably. When I tell men I am a failure they act shocked, “WOMEN CAN GET SEX WHENEVER THEY WANT!”, and when I tell women this their comments vary because women understand that, no, we cannot have sex whenever we want (oh the spin-offs this one stereotype has to offer). I used to be really good at hooking up and partying, people don’t believe me now because they didn’t know me then. In high school I was voted one of the biggest party girls, ugh I feel sick that I am championing my high school days. But truly, it was a haze of Jack Daniels and cute boys in cargo shorts (that’s the last time “cute” and “cargo shorts” will be in the same sentence again in my lifetime). I blame my reluctance to bed hop on the fear of slut shaming and having been in love, it ruined all the fun in random hook ups. I have been in and out of long-term relationships since I was 18 with long stretches of time between the them stuck twiddling my thumbs. I wanted to sleep with someone, but I was afraid that it would be lackluster without the connection a relationship offered. The difference between hook ups before love and after love is the residual guilt and dissatisfaction that follows.
My failure is often a result of my feelings; feelings know how to fuck up someone’s game. As I’ve mentioned I enjoy whatever state I am in whether it be in a relationship, dating, or single but they all have their drawbacks. When it comes to being single many of your encounters are mediocre at best. When you’re dating someone playing mini golf with them can feel like jumping out of a plane and when you’re single it feels exactly like playing mini golf with your friends. The same goes for sex, in a relationship it can feel like the earth is moving and when it’s some guy whose coming in for the quick fix, it can be, disappointing. That’s not to say that this guy doesn’t have the potential to or hasn’t “moved” someone, it’s just, he’s not moving me anywhere but up and down. My pleasure is more closely tied to my intellectual and emotional connection to the person I am getting my jollies off with and intimacy allows for my release of control and release of control is integral to complete pleasure. I will never forget, however, that when a relationship is bad, it’s fucking bad, and I’ll take all of the mediocrity of singledom over that garbage.
Another part of my failure comes from the city I live in, I have a lot of friends out here from the Midwest who were sweeping up back home, but just can’t make quota on the coast. Men think women only want men with money, women don’t want men who wear fedoras, women are wearing bandage dresses and platform heels that make them cranky…the list goes on. I’ve written about it before, a metropolis is the opportunist’s playground and it is no good for the sexually deprived. We have a simple and primal desire and we have completely ravaged the path to that desire with rules and guidelines into the appropriate strategy to getting it. I’ll let you in on a little secret: chemicals mix together, common interests are exchanged, and consent is given by both parties, that’s it. Now, where you go from the initial she-bang is your call, but it’s that simple I promise you, if you want to it to be it’s that easy.
And the last part is the subliminally built-in shame. I was talking with a guy the other day about threesomes and how he had always wanted to try one (typical) and I mentioned how I would feel strange being with two guys, (completely that is) at the same time. He then went on to say, “well, I couldn’t respect a girl who I’ve seen have sex with another guy in front of me” and I asked him why, he didn’t have an answer for me, as I imagined no one’s ever argued this with him. This is my problem, regardless of how “progressive” we believe our society has become this archaic idea of purity in women is still floating around. A man can sleep with two women at once and it’s awesome and we do the same and we’re damaged goods (check out the “Chocolate Bar” analogy). Sex is perceived as too easy for us so we should be picky in how we go about it but when we’re picky about it we’re prudes….double-edged swords are a patriarch’s favorite weapon. Women like to have sex* and if we didn’t live in a society where are worth was based on our sexual tendencies we could have just as much fun with no strings attached. I think some women are comfortable with their sexuality and this may not apply to them, but this strictly my observation and personal experience.
None of these things rule out the ultimate desire, however, regardless of feelings, location, or shame you will lose yourself in those 3-10 minute windows (I’m generous) because that need is innate in us (well, most of us). You can analyze it, make more of it than what it is, and waste your time, but it is simply instinct*. A society can build restrictions and ideals, but the blood rushing through your veins and down to your nether regions is all nature and I welcome you to challenge it and avoid it, but the desire to acquiesce will always be present. You can avoid the desire for sex as long as you can avoid hunger, so go ahead and eat up folks, but just as with food there are consequences to what you put in your mouth.
*For those who feel sexual attraction
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