*Crickets*

I'm sitting here at 1am just randomly tired and angsty. I moderated over at FacebookSexism today (which I'm down to doing about once a week for reasons of self care and being busy) and after managing a whole bunch of hateful trolls that popped up like they do after every time I post (block, block, blockity block) I remembered that this blog exists.

Oh, this blog. My dear nerdyfeminist.com...what am I to do with you?

It's no secret that my writing has petered off in the past few months. It's not just LESS content: it's (what I would consider) significantly less substantial content.

I didn't happen over night so it's taken me a while to notice that I'm at a point where it's like the wind is out of my damn sails. I've seen a lot of bloggers in many fields reach this spot, or something similar to it. For me it's a real writing block, unlike the others I've had. My brain isn't thinking, "What should I write about?" or "What should be my inspiration?" or "When the heck can I find time to write?" to

"Do I even want to write anymore?"
"Is this thing worth keeping up?"
"Is this what I want?"

As I've mentioned before, my personality type is such that I beat myself up about not producing content. I want to reach the goals I set myself. Since 2009, that has been important to me. But it's just sort of NOT anymore. Where I used to want to write 3 times a week, I now can let weeks slip by without putting a single word on the page.

And I'm not upset about it.

I don't really know where this is going. I'm not announcing that I'm shutting this thing down or anything. I'm immensely proud of (most) everything I've done here and I definitely want to keep it open as a place to come rant if I need, but I'm just letting go of any expectations that I have for myself about it.

I'm just working through it all still and I know, I know, who cares? But yeah, that's where I am right now if anyone is wondering.

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Writer's Block Sucks

[Content note: mention of emotional abuse]

Things have been pretty quiet around here for a while. I mean, I'm getting up posts here and there, but nothing of substantial content. I wouldn't consider anything that I've put up as actual "writing" in well over a month.

Part of it is work stress. As I've said about 50 billion times, the fall is really busy for me, so the closer that we get to September and October, the more I'm finding myself staying at my desk later each day and when I get home the last thing I want to do is hop back on a computer and queue up a post.

But it's more than just that. There are SO MANY interesting feminist topics to be digging in on right now. Just to scratch the surface there's the debate surrounding Nicki Minaj's Anaconda video, the horrible harassment Anita Sarkeesian is facing, Beyonce's amazing VMA performance, and the "rape prevention" nail polish nonsense. I COULD say something about any or all of those topics, and usually, I already would have. But lately, I just feel like I don't have anything original to say. I've certainly been in this place before, so I know it's going to pass, but I HATE feeling uninspired. When I have writer's block like this (and that might not even be the best term...) I just kinda beat myself up about it. "Come on, brain. THINK of something to say about this." And then I don't and I'm disappointed.

I'm always working toward going easier on myself about this type of thing...not engaging in mental self-berating. But when the baseline from your upbringing is "always be the best you can be and if you don't, then you're worthless" it's much easier said than done to reset your mental self-assessments.

Ah well. My inspiration will come around again. I've just got to wait it out and chill.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

Observations from Jury Duty

So I've just had jury duty and now that it's over, I can talk about it allllll I want. But for obvious reasons, I'll keep things not too identifying here.

I had a few observations that I figured I'd write about. Nothing earth shattering or anything, but interesting stuff (to me.)

Choosing Appreciation

As I recently mentioned, this time of year is the absolute busiest at work for me. Consequently, it's a time full of stress, and as someone who is prone to high anxiety levels, I've been known to get so wrapped up in it that I actually make myself physically and emotionally ill.

A number of things have happened this year so that it's not quite as bad as it's formerly been. One of these things is a shift in mindset that I've taken on recently. I'm trying...despite my personal predispositions...to see the good in things instead of the bad. In other words, I'm trying really hard to choose appreciation over self-doubt, regret, and fearing the worst.

Speak the Truth, Even if Your Voice Shakes

[Image text: an old boarded up house with graffiti that reads,
"speak the truth, even if your voice shakes."]

[Content note: short mention of emotional abuse.]

I'm not one much to have personal mantras. Throughout the years, when other people have found inspiration in quotes and shared them everywhere as the words they live by, I've often thought, "oh how nice" and nothing more.

A few months ago I saw this image shared somewhere online (I can't even remember where) and for the first time words just kind of spoke to my soul. "Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes."

Tough Weeks Happen

I'm having one of those tough weeks that just happen every so often. It's been hard for me to focus at work. I'm feeling fatigued for no reason. I'm having all kinds of self pitying and loathing thoughts. I'm stressed and bummed out and in a general stank place and I really have no idea why.

Most of all, I've been feeling kind of hopeless about the changing this world. In other words, I'm experiencing compassion fatigue about my feminism.

I know these type of weeks just happen to anyone, but I feel like when you're involved in thinking critically about issues of gender, racism, homophobia, fatphobia, and other oppressions daily, you're doubly likely to feel down in the dumps. I mean...let's just say you're someone who regularly sifts through horribly sexist and often rape apologistic comments from Facebook...just as a hypothetical...not that I'm speaking from personal experience *cough*... It can really build up and become incredibly overwhelming to approach this day after day. It can be hard to believe that calling this stuff out could contribute to a cultural shift. It can be incredibly difficult to face the reality that there will always be far more people making rape jokes, reinforcing gender stereotypes, and harassing women online than you could ever begin to address.

So yes, it's inevitable that rough patches occur. It's normal. You're not weak for feeling overwhelmed. And you're not wrong for taking time to yourself, saying no, and/or asking for help. I think it's important to acknowledge this, especially as women. In the modern context we're supposed to "have it all." (How overused has that phrase become! ) We're supposed to juggle challenging, fulfilling careers with perfect, beautiful home lives. We're supposed to approach challenges with a smile and not "crack" under pressure, because we don't want to look weak. But it's a farce...because what is perfect? Why should we pretend that we can handle things we can't? Why should we put unrealistic pressure on ourselves and adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms?

I'm pretty transparent about when I struggle with stress and burnout...the last thing I would want to perpetuate is some silly illusion that I approach everyday with a smile because that's just not true. And why should it be? It's ok to be vulnerable, because sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you feel out of control. Sometimes your feelings or nerves are a wreck and sometimes it's for a clear reason and sometimes you have no idea why. So yeah, that's where I am right now and it is what it is. I know that I'll feel different in a day or a week or a month. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It's just about hanging in there until the funk passes.

If you've been around here at all, you might notice this is a variation on a theme. So here's some related reading:
-Taking care of myself through stressful times
-Defending selfishness and letting go of obligation
-Stress, supergirls, and writer's block
-Managing activist burnout

Taking Care of Myself Through Stressful Times

Well. It's September.

I remember when I used to like this time of year best. It brought with it my birthday, cooler temperatures, and all kinds of delicious fall treats and fashion. But that was before the fall meant my busiest time of year...

Stress, Supergirls, and Writer's Block

Just for funsies, you should Google image search "stress." About 99% of the pictures are cartoon graphics (clip art-esque) or women doing a variation of this pose. I guess dudes don't get stressed?

Anyway, as you can tell, I'm alluding to the fact that I am super freaking stressed out right now. Coordinating an event for 1,200 people is no joke. Especially when you're not sure if you will even reach that goal...a goal you've been working on for a year.

It's no secret to those who know me that I don't handle stress and pressures suuuuper well. When Girls Inc. published their Supergirl Dilemma report in 2000, they were talking about and studying girls just like me who were teens at the time; young women who wanted to be good at everything. I'm one such girl grown up, and still trying to figure out how to be easier on myself.

My stress management isn't always bad. On one hand, I'm someone who operates at a higher resting stress level than your average person. This is the very reason that I am incapable of procrastinating. Seriously, I am. Like, I've never pulled an all nighter and got through both undergrad and master's programs without it. I never had to pull an all nighter because I am so stressed out by deadlines that I take them extremely seriously and structure my life such that I'm always done with a paper or project by the day before it's due and I'm just proof reading at that point. This side of my anxious nature is great. It's helped me always be on top of things and be personally motivated to get shit done. When I get shit done, then I don't feel as stressed out and everyone wins.

On the other hand comes the side where stress is a big problem in my life. I am a worrier of the worst kind--so when things are out of my control, unlike papers and projects, I freak out a bit. In the case of things I can control, I just get it to the point where my worries are managed because I got shit done. In the case of thing I can't control, well, it ain't pretty. For example right now my face is broken out, I have canker sores, my heart starts beating out of control every now and then, I'm not sleeping, my digestive system is a wreck, and yesterday my eye start twitching on and off.

It's not ok. I know this.

One of the things that has always helped me attempt to manage my stress is writing. The problem is that when I get to my current level of anxiety, I have ideas swirling in my head, but so many other things to do. So I become overwhelmed at the possibility of even pausing long enough to write anything out. For example, currently I've been postulating blogs on the following topics:

1. Lisa Simpson as a feminist influence on me growing up.
2. The sexism of Occupy Wallstreet.
3. The horrific personhood initiative in Mississippi.
4. The Herman Cain sexual harassment stuff.

It's weird, because this situation is my version of writer's block. I have tons of ideas and the inability to get them out until my stress is much more managed. I know that this is all temporary, but having set a personal goal for myself to keep my blog content fresh feels like yet another stressor, even though it is one totally self imposed and unnecessary. 

I know that in a week or so, I'm going to be feeling a lot better. I might get around to writing those things, I might go with something new that pops up, and I might just enjoy not feeling as stressed by work. Who knows? But either way, writing this out has actually helped and accomplished two things--getting some of this out of my head AND creating a little bit of content. See what I've done here? Clever, huh?

In my clear, logical mind I know that I've got to let the Supergirl stuff go. I've written before about how I can't please everyone and I do try to live this way now. But when it comes to my work and the goals I set for myself, I've still got a long way to go in understanding that sometimes goals won't be reached ...and that's ok. And I can't control everything...and that's ok too.

I'm going end on another Google image search recommendation: Supergirl. The results are, well, yeah. The results just are. Sigh.

Defending Selfishness and Letting Go of Obligation

I once met a woman who called herself an advocate for selfishness. When I first heard this, I thought it sounded silly. But as she explained it, I began to understand how very relevant this idea is. Anyone who has dipped a toe into feminism 101 knows that from a very early age, girls and women are socialized to put the needs of others before themselves. Bonnie Marcus at WomenOnBusiness.com explains this problem nicely.

As women, we have extra baggage around this issue because society has taught us that as women we should be nurturers. The assumption here is that we need to take care of everyone and make sure that they are happy and healthy and all their needs are met. According to traditional roles, the fact that everyone else is happy should be enough to make us happy because that is our responsibility. If everyone is happy, we are doing our jobs well. Of course, if there is some time after all this is done, it is acceptable to do something for ourselves. Otherwise, we are being SELFISH.

These limiting beliefs have so many implications for women in our society. As more and more women enter the workforce and try to keep their lives in balance, the stress builds. If we believe that we need to please everyone in our families, our relationships, our work place, what then happens to US? How can we do all of this and be successful at work too?

At work, how many times have you taken on other people’s needs or tasks before tending to your own?

How many times have you taken on the work of others with the attitude that “If I don’t do it, who will?”

How many times have you avoided necessary difficult conversations because you did not want to offend someone? You wanted to be well liked.

How many times have you not taken credit for your work well done because you want to be viewed as a team player? Perhaps you don’t even accept compliments graciously.

There's no way around it...this stuff is true and probably strikes a cord with most women.  When you think about it, it becomes pretty clear that to be selfish can actually be a bit of a revolutionary act. It can take guts, as women, to stand up and say, "My needs matter and I'm going to take care of myself first." I mean, what are we without ourselves? If we don't have our own backs, who will?

This time of year, these topics become extra relevant to me. I manage an event serving 1,200 people. While most reasonable individuals can easily see that this is no simple feat, I still have a lot of colleagues and business partners who want more personal attention for their involvement in this event than I can muster. The 2 hour meeting here and there to help each individual person figure out their piece of the pie can really eat up my time. Unchecked, it can easily force me to work 12 hour days, answering emails late into the evening even at home.

Last year, I tried to accommodate each person. I felt that I owed them something. This year, I have decided to opt for selfishness, if for no other reason than out of necessity. There is no way I could continue to cater to everyone else's requests and still remain successful in my own endeavors. I have become quite selfish with my time, and it feels great.

This doesn't mean I'm a jerk. I always try to find a solution or help those who genuinely need it. But it does mean that I am forcing everyone to be much more mindful about the requests they are making upon me. I'm asking them to prioritize. And I'm letting go of obligation.

Obligation is a really nasty feeling. (My best friend helped me to understand this, and God bless you, woman.) I mean, think about it--what good does obligation serve? To act out of obligation is very similar to acting out of pity. The result is that actions which come from a place of obligation are, for lack of a better term, half-assed. I think that, as people, our best bet is to do things fully or to not do them at all. If you are consistently operating from a place of obligation, then you're surely not putting out best work out there.You're not being the best employee/partner/friend/family member you can be. The only option is to choose what we can fully commit ourselves to.

This even goes for social interactions--it's a lot harder, but I'm trying to drop my tendency to accept invites simply because I feel obligated. I'm asking myself: 1) Do I really want to go, or do I feel I should go? 2) Is this something which I have the time to do; something which I won't regret later? 3) Will this situation cause any unnecessary stress?

If my answers aren't a resounding "yes, yes, no" then I try to minimize my time spent.

Of course, you can't avoid all obligation and you can't operate purely from selfishness. But if you have the tendencies I have (to constantly let the needs/wants of others overshadow your own) it can be a really liberating mindset shift to make. Even if for only a few weeks of the year.