The January Body Positive Blues

[Content note: fatphobic/weight/food stuff.]

I talk about this nearly every year. January is the season to truly hate our bodies. We come out of the holidays with all of those INDULGE messages and then suddenly in January, we're supposed to set a resolution to work out, eat "better," lose weight--and generally feel shameful about our flabby, doughy, *DISGUSTING* bodies while torturing ourselves into thinness just in time for "bathing suit season."

It's enough to make even the most body positive bitch, like yours truly, get a case of the January blues.

One of the things that bugs me the most about this time of year is that it is NEVER a quiet, internal "I want to get back in shape" process that individuals embark upon on their own. Nope--it's VERY driven by the billion dollar weight loss industry, EVERYONE gets in on it, and it's continuously in your face.

Take advertisements this time of year. You don't even have to listen carefully to hear it, because it will be smashed upside your head. Every gym is running a special. Restaurants roll out their "light" menus (which are all buried by March.) Department stores like Kohls and Old Navy move their active wear to the front of the store and begin running special promotions. Special K is. every. where.

Bleh.

What bothers me most, above all, is how the messages reach the youngest ears, especially from the adults around them. Adult women (mothers, aunts, etc.) who have internalized this pressure have enormous impact on the body image formation of girls, and perpetuate it with them. In my line of work, I do frequent research on this topic for grants...and needless to say, the situation grows more grim all the time. According to a 2013 CDC study, only 4% of high school aged girls were not actively trying to lose weight (compared to 67% of boys.) A study of girls ages 3-6 in the Southern US showed that nearly 50% of them were already worried about their weight. (British Journal of Psychology, 2010.)

Ages 3-6!

I think about a mom at an event I was at recently. She couldn't stop talking about how terrible the holidays are for your weight and how she wasn't going to eat anything and get "fatter" this year. All while 20 or so 13-17 year olds were nearby. This woman was intending no ill will toward the girls (including her daughter). She only spoke of her own dissatisfaction with her own body. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Talking shit about ourselves in front of kids isn't just about us. It's inherently teaching them how to view themselves too. "If she thinks she's fat, what does she think about me?" "If she's disgusting, maybe I'm disgusting."

This mentality sets off a domino effect. It is inextricably linked to never feeling good enough, undue emphasis placed on physical attributes, and complicated, toxic, unhealthy relationships with food and eating.

It's got to stop some place, right? Why not with us?

Listen, I can't avoid the January body positive blues all together. I can't stop the endlessly fatphobic messages of the media. It's going to be there as long as profit motives rule.

But I'm not entirely powerless either. I can stop my own perpetuation of these messages. I can refuse to talk like that mom. I can refuse to purchase products which pander to this mentality. I can start discussions about this with others. I can point out toxic message when I hear them. I can encourage critical media consumption. I can (try) to practice radical self-love and acceptance (which, really, is a huge middle finger to the whole system when you think about it.)



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The catch 22 of the compliment

[Content note: misogyny, harassment]

A couple weeks ago I reblogged a post on Tumblr where a young woman, Gweneth Bateman, conducted a social experiment. She agreed with the guys who sent her compliments online, because if she didn't reply, the men were rude.

The results were simultaneously disturbing and not surprising...dudes who went from calling her "amazing" and "cute" went to cold or outright mean when she agreed with them. I caught it when it only had maybe around 1,000 notes but it took off, other women added their similar results, and it was even featured on BuzzFeed.

When I added my commentary I said,

So much of society is oriented toward validating expressions of low self esteem in women. (Think how common negative self talk is.) Beyond that, we are supposed to chase and value any "compliment" that men throw our way.

Hence the ever present response to complaints about street harassment, "Just take the compliment."

So therefore when we disarm the perceived power they feel they have over us, we’re bitches.

I've been thinking about this more and more and I can't shake it from my brain.

Is there really any way to win when random dudes (who you are not reciprocating interested in) compliment you? Lots of people on the BuzzFeed article said that these women should just say a simple "Thank you" but I think that's not really a solution either. How many women have been accused of leading someone on because they were just trying to be "nice?" All I can think is that unwanted compliments are kinda a catch 22...we don't reply we're a BITCH, we agree we're a BITCH. If you play nice, he'll later accuse you of leading him on and you're, guess what, a BITCH.

It's annoying. And tiring. It also reminds me how dangerous it is to create your self of self-worth from external sources in general...because if you agree, the rug will suddenly be ripped out from under you.





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Wearing makeup in a patriarchal society

In running FacebookSexism, this is a popular sentiment shared by misogynists:

[Image text, a comment from "BIG SARGE" which reads, "Chick looks beat up without makeup. Should be illegal to use it as a disguise, you don't look like that."]

That's right...wearing makeup is now a "disguise" that should be illegal. "BIG SARGE" is not alone in this opinion. There are tons of iterations of this idea out there. It's trickery. It's deceitful, etc. etc. In fact, in Googling to read more on this topic, here's what I immediately saw:

Still working on this "body positivity" thing

[Content note: mentions of weight, body shame]

It's no secret that I embrace body positivity and denounce fatphobia. Two seconds on this blog will reveal that much. But as with unlearning any of the dangerous messages that society transmits, even when we try our best, it takes time and there's a LOT of back sliding.

The biggest way that I know that internalized fatphobia still has an effect on my mind is how I view my own normal body fluctuations. I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn in a few months and they're loose: I feel happy/excited. I put on a dress I haven't worn in over a year and it's snug: I feel gross/ashamed/sad.

I look out into the world and can appreciate all the other lovely fat ladies I see. I can teach body positive workshops and lessons to others. I can write blog after blog post about the negative effects of healthism, fatphobia, and body shaming...but when push comes to shove, the hardest battle I will ever fight on this front is inside my own head. Just like unlearning racism, sexism, transphobia, homphobia, ableism, etc...the wider societal messages fight against my personal process every day.

So many times I feel disgusting and ashamed.

But I am thankful that I do know that this is all a process. I'm getting better at forgiving myself when I do slide back into old views that thinner=better. I can let the thought exist in my mind for a moment and then push it to the side. Beating up myself about it won't solve anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this reminder that no matter how far you evolve in your journey to self-acceptance and body positivity, it will probably always be a work in progress. And that's ok.


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Self Objectification

I recently came across some gifsets of a really awesome TEDxYouth talk by Caroline Heldman. She covers a ton about self objectification, which is a concept many people are probably unaware of. Here's the full video for your viewing and/or listening. But otherwise, here's the gif that hits at what I have observed in my life, specifically:

[Image text: Caroline Heldman saying, "[Self-objectification] lowers your ability to get along with other women. We engage in female competition. We see male attention as the holy grail of our existence by-and-large and so we compete with other women for our own self-esteem because we see it as this finite resource. This cherished finite resource. So we go into parties and we know where we are in the pretty girl pecking order and when another woman is valued for being a sex object, it actually makes us feel bad about ourselves."]

Three Dangerous Mythical Creatures

Please forgive the Buzzfeed-ish structure of this post, but I've been thinking about some some various concepts lately, and I realized the connection they all share...they're totally made up, and yet most people believe in them, often to the detriment of other people.

Let's take a deeper look...

There's Nothing Wrong With Me, You're Just Not Funny

This type of submission is exceedingly common on my Tumblr:

[Facebook status from Brendaa Lizette Gonzalez: "I don't mind the women in the kitchen jokes. I make a pretty fucking legit turkey/ham/bacon sandwich. Girls who get all butt hurt about it probably suck at cooking lol."]

Let's ignore a few of the fails going on here for a moment (the extremely problematic term "butt hurt," the fact that making a sandwich actually isn't cooking) and hone in on two things:

1. There are so many women who internalize misogyny (congratulations, enjoy your brownie points from the patriarchy!) and 
2. What is this ridiculous notion that when someone is offended by a joke, it's a reflection of some deficit within them?

I've already written about #1 and why I think it's important to identify and call out internalized misogyny, so let's take a look at point 2 for a minute.

All in all I'm just over people acting like because something was said under the guise of "humor," everyone is just supposed to be fine with it. But the accusation that if you are offended by a "joke" it is because there's something "wrong" with you, is an added level of rage induction for me. And I see it everywhere! Someone posts something slut shamey. A woman calls it out. She's accused of being a slut. Or in one submission I received a few weeks ago, when a woman called out a man's sexism, his reaction was to go off on her about her looks, calling her sad and unconfident, and asserting that hot chicks wouldn't have an issue with what he said.

Sigh.

The truth is, of course, that there's no correlation between looks and the capacity to care about the dignity of other people. And it actually takes a ton of confidence to stand up to a bigot publicly. In fact, I would assert that the people who try to hurt others are actually the ones who display low self-esteem. They're the ones who need to take a minute to self-reflect and examine their behavior/attitudes. Think about it...if you truly love yourself and if you are truly happy, you have no incentive to bring others down. People who make "jokes" at others' expense and who think that oppression is funny are often trying to position themselves as better or special because they are compensating for feelings of inadequacy or sadness.

So no...when I find your oppressive "joke" offensive and when I care about the dignity of all people, that's not me being humorless. There's nothing wrong with me. You're just not funny.



This blog has strict comment moderation intended to preserve a safe space. Moderation is managed solely by the blog author. As such, even comments made in good faith will be on a short delay, so please do not attempt to resubmit your comment if it does not immediately appear. Discussion and thoughtful participation are encouraged, but abusive comments of any type will never be published. The blog author reserves the right to publish/delete any comments for any reason, at her sole discretion. 

Believing in Yourself

This is kind of a preemptive post, but I don't care. Under the advice of several people, I've decided to read Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In." What I've heard of the book interests me, so I figured I'd go ahead and give it a shot. I've been mega swamped so I've only made it a few chapters in, but something has already stuck with me. It's the passage that is basically the thesis of the book:

We [women] hold ourselves back in ways both big and small, by lacking self-confidence, by not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives—the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, more powerful than men.

And later she adds, "Career progression often depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself—traits that girls are discouraged from exhibiting."

Oh lord do I need these messages right now. To put it simply, I'm currently in the midst of a big batch of self doubt.  You see, I recently took a big risk. Yay, first steps. This professional risk is beyond anything I've done before and it means that my career path has recently become much more challenging. I'm out of my comfort zone and just sort of figuring things out as I go.

So, cue the nagging of self doubt and anxiety.

It's so cliche, but a huge part of success really is believing in yourself, so thanks to Sandberg for this reminder. There is something to the old adages of "fake it until you make it" and "you can achieve anything your put your mind to!" Learning this lesson is particularly important for women and girls, some of whom might be their only supporter. I mean, just as an example that comes easily to mind, I recently received an ask on my Tumblr from a young woman who is regularly told by her uncle that she'll never make it in sports journalism, her dream career. If she internalizes this message and doesn't believe she can make it anyway, how will she ever stand a chance? She's got to invest in herself and block out the noise to make that dream happen.

Even for those of us who have lots of support and affirmation (myself included) the most important source of our strength still must come from within. If we don't take time to love, value, and support ourselves, we'll get nowhere. We've got to block out the nagging voices from the outside but also from ourselves that make us feel inadequate and hold us back. We've got to take those creative risks Sandberg is talking about, put ourselves out there, and push ourselves. And when we are successful, we can't believe the voices that tell us that we shouldn't toot our own horns or be proud of our accomplishments.

Like I said, this is all a bit preemptive, and I'll follow up with a review of Lean In later when I've actually read it. But damn if I didn't just need to take a moment to reflect on this, no matter how fluffy a message it might be.

EDITED 5/14/13: I just wanted to follow up and note that I've decided not to fully review the book because overall I was disappointed with it. I think it got a lot of media hype because of who Sandberg is and as I was reading I kept thinking, "where's the part that supposed to change my life?" Spoiler: it never came. I'm sure it's a good primer for a white, upper class, hetero, professional woman who have never taken gender studies classes, but for people outside that group, it will probably fall flat (like it did for me.) That's not to say I wasn't inspired by a reminder to believe in myself when I wrote this...it just didn't go much beyond that.

This blog has strict comment moderation intended to preserve a safe space. Moderation is managed solely by the blog author. As such, even comments made in good faith will be on a short delay, so please do not attempt to resubmit your comment if it does not immediately appear. Discussion and thoughtful participation are encouraged, but abusive comments of any type will never be published. The blog author reserves the right to publish/delete any comments for any reason, at her sole discretion. 

Body Positivity and Nudity

[Content note: body shaming, weight talk]

I feel like at the outset I should mention that this is a pretty personal post for me. It's mostly just a collection of my experiences, observations, and thoughts, so take that for what it is. But I'd like to embark on a little journey down the road of my experiences with nudity--or really, lack thereof--and body acceptance.

"It Takes Hard Work to Look This Good"

[Content note: discussions of weight, fatphobia, diet, exercise.]

My love of Lesley Kinzel is well documented. (Seriously.) So when a quote of hers was floating around Tumblr last week, how could I not reblog it? It's just fantastic:

The people who get angriest about fat girls looking good and feeling hot are the people who are the most strongly invested in the idea that a person has to be skinny in order to be happy, healthy, and loved.

Very often it’s people just projecting their own body-loathing onto someone else; if you’re truly comfortable and confident in your own skin, it shouldn’t make a difference to you what anyone else is wearing, or how they look. It only affects you if it’s making you question your assumptions, about both other people and about yourself.

Women's Bodies as Public Property

[Content note: discussion of body shaming, rape culture, victim blaming, street harassment.]

Goodness, women sure take a lot of shit when they claim their bodies as their own private possession instead of public domain, don't they?

Women's Worth as a Function of Desirability to Men

Oy. I can certainly tell that my event is next week. I haven't had a chance to stop and write anything much lately. But I'm here now and that's what counts! Plus, I found out this week that I received a promotion and after the event, my work will change. I'm really excited about it.

Ah, but that is all neither here nor there. What is on my mind right now is the idea that a woman's worth in society is directly proportional to how much your average dude wants to have sex with her. In plain language like that, it might sound a bit odd, but when you think about it, it's clear. We all know that there is an expectation on all women to look a "certain" way. In turn, that certain way becomes the particular look that most men are socialized to find attractive. Women who look this way, whether they actively try to or not, are playing by the rules and are subsequently rewarded for their looks.

So really, at the end of the day, a woman's value is unfairly reduced to her fuckability. But let me back up. I started to think about this in reading Lesley's Kinzel's Two Whole Cakes last week. She says,

When Thin Is "In" (in other words, always)

TW eating disorder; body talk

In my creation of my new Tumblr, I've been paying really close attention to the images that are shared on Facebook. I've found a ton of fodder for my project, but I've also noticed a few things which have caught my eye for other reasons. One such image is floating around and making me cringe. It's not necessarily sexist, but it is really triggering when it comes to eating disorders. I've included it under the cut.

Not a Teen, but Loving Rookie

As my friend Meghan recently brought to my attention, there is a contingent of us 20 somethings who love Rookie Magazine. Are you aware of Rookie? I've mentioned it before (because it's awesome.) It's Tavi Gevinson's online magazine that features absolutely amazing information for teen girls.

As Amanda Hess said in her Slate piece on the subject:

As for us adults? Rookie allows us to believe that had it been around 10 years ago, “maybe I wouldn't have done half the self-destructive shit that I did to myself at the time,” my friend told me. “And maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up about some of these things now.” 

But beyond wishing I had something like Rookie 10 years ago...what's not to love? It's kind of my dream--a media space created for (and more importantly) BY teen girls. It's not a bunch of stale, pale, male executives trying to conjure up they *think* teen girls would like. It's girls talking to each other. It's real, fresh, fashionable, friendly, and fun. It features advice from Sady Doyle, and Gillian Jacobs, encourages girls to have healthy relationships, builds self esteem, introduces the Diva Cup, and makes feminism look really damn cool.

Like I said. It's kind of my dream.

I work every day with girls who are steeped in the teen world and sometimes it can a tough place to be. Not knowing where you fit in...feeling ashamed of your body...worrying about what people think of you...feeling alone. But spaces like Rookie work with me to 1) remind girls they're not alone 2) give them a voice 3) provide wonderful information and support and 4) highlight the best of girlhood.

So yeah. I love Rookie. It makes me happy. What of it?

Were You In Need of Your Daily Dose of Fat Shame?

(TW weight talk and fat shame.)

Well no worries! The commenters at Jezebel are here for you!

As someone in my office pointed out this morning, Jezebel ran a piece on gyms which are allegedly banning skinny people. Here's an excerpt from it:

You'd Be a Lot Prettier If...

I read several women focused/feminist online forums, and on one recently, a woman shared that a man told her that she's be a lot prettier if she wasn't so heavily tattooed. I've heard this said about people before and I'm sure that many tattooed women have experienced this first hand.

Tattoos are an interesting thing. Long considered taboo, they are becoming a more and more commonplace form of self-expression. They are self histories. They pay homage. They are art. They are stories. They are conversation pieces.

As I only have two small ones myself, I don't experience any tattoo hate, but I am regularly asked what they mean. I like talking about them. They are a part of my body and adornments through which I have chosen to express myself. Several of my friends and coworkers have large, beautiful tattoos which they consider central to who they are. So I can only imagine how insulting it would be to have this very personal choice critiqued. In fact, it reminds me of another extremely common statement: "she'd be a lot prettier if she lost some weight."

All I'm saying is that I fail to see what we gain from our tendency to buy into a very narrow, limited notion of beauty. The more I think about it, the madder I get at just how many people it leaves out. And I think it's pretty obvious that reducing a woman's worth to her physical appearance is extremely problematic. Not only is it objectifying when it's done to you, but it can have a devastating effect on one's self esteem, when internalized. Especially given that even the "prettiest" models are so heavily photoshopped that they don't look like themselves.

Besides, things like self-expression and our bodies are deeply personal decisions. If you don't like the way a person looks--be it because she has too many tattoos or pounds for your taste--here's a novel thought: keep your opinions to yourself. Chances are she's not doing it for you anyway.

Two Fat People Walk Into A Bar...

...and they, too, participate in the cultural narrative of fat shame feeling both apologetic and defensive about their bodies.

Ba dum cha! ...Not funny? Yeah, I don't think so either. 

There's been a couple of really great pieces on fatness recently that I wanted to highlight. The first is by Brian Stuart, in which he discusses "fat isolation." Melissa McEwan wrote a really lovely follow up about how one can be a good thin friend to fat people. (Her piece goes into great detail about this topic, but I'm going to focus on the part that is about fat-on-fat hate.)

STOP TELLING ME LOW CONFIDENCE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Oh. Hi there. I'm back. Thanks for noticing.

I visited my little niece and she is perfect. I also helped my aunt through an eye surgery, which was successful. All around a trip well spent. And one which gave me a chance to get a little inspiration for blogging.

You see, I have XM radio in my personal car here in Austin. As such, I can pretty carefully listen to whatever I'd like on the radio. But in Indy, driving my aunt's car, I had to listen to normal radio (yes I'm a radio snob.) And I heard this song by One Direction.

It's called "What Makes You Beautiful" and it made me FUME.

Oh Self-Love!

Ok, I can admit it. I made that title line a little suggestive to catch your attention. Did it work? Great! But bad news...the subject of this blog is actually self-esteem. Sorry, to have to break it to you this way. I hope you'll stick around.

Anyhoo, I've been thinking a lot lately about truly loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. 

Truth is, accomplishing this task is much easier said than done. Everywhere we look we're told we're not good enough. Women especially feel this pressure as the images we see of female bodies in the media are so often distorted and photoshopped beyond recognition and touted as "perfection." So trust me when I say, I know that it's not easy to get to a place where you do feel comfortable being you, you love who you are, and you're totally happy just existing. It's not something that can come naturally when the dominant voices remind you that you're too fat or too ugly or too dark or you're body isn't good enough or that it's just wrong.

However, against all odds, some of us do find the ability to love ourselves--or at the very least to accept who we are. I've been thinking lately about a really positive outcome of getting to this point: Loving yourself really does grant the ability to love others. You've probably heard a million times that you have to "love yourself first to love others." It's become a cliche, but when you break it down, it does kind of make sense. I'm not going to talk about romantic love here (but I do think there is that element to it.) Rather I'm talking about loving others in the context of not viewing anyone with hate, contempt, jealousy, or as a threat. 

When I think about my current life, I see many big differences between who I am now and who I was 3-10 years ago. One that stands out the most is that I just don't feel threatened by other people now like I used to. You see, I had internalized the message which told me I wasn't good enough. When I met someone (usually a girl) who was drop dead gorgeous, thin, charismatic, or just plain awesome, a piece of me hated her right off the bat because of my own low self-esteem. I perceived her as a threat instead of a potential friend, by no fault of her own.

Like I said, my judgement passed on other girls was a symptom of believing that I was really inferior. I thought that girls like this wouldn't like me and that I had nothing in common with them. Basically, by assuming that stereotypically attractive women and I couldn't be friends, I bought into the narrative that big girls aren't worthy and that hot girls are bitches. And this was all still happening after I began identifying as a feminist and thinking critically about these very issues. My beliefs and judgments were guided subconsciously by persistently low self-esteem. I didn't really know it, but I couldn't be open to friendships and connections until I loved me.

Fortunately, I feel that I have arrived to a place where I can say I am comfortable and proud of who I am; emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am, of course, a daily work in progress and I falter and fuck up. But part of loving me means that I accept these mistakes and challenge myself to be better.

As a result, I feel I am much more open and friendly to women who I might have otherwise viewed as a threat. The socially ingrained tendency to be catty and pick apart other women's looks and behaviors started to wear away. Because of this, I was able to form some friendships that I might not otherwise have been open to. When I stopped being threatened by someone really cool and attractive, I gave people the opportunity to show me who they actually are. My comfort with me is often mirrored by other people's comfort with who they are and everyone's true colors emerge. 

I'll be honest, meeting new people does not come naturally to me. While I am an extrovert who craves the attention and energy of socialization, I thrive most when I am with people that I trust. I will always have a level of social anxiety when I meet new people, but accepting myself has helped this improve leagues for me and granted me the possibility to much more easily meet people where they are not keep other women at arm's distance. Sure sometimes the new people I meet actually do suck, but I let them prove that to me instead of making unfair judgments.

This is all pretty touchy-feely for me, which isn't exactly in character, so I'll go ahead and wrap this up. But I guess what I'm saying is that loving yourself is great not only because it makes you feel so much better but also because it allows some pretty cool people into your life.

Body Snarking is Never OK Actually. Not Even on Facebook.

Maybe I should quit Facebook.

I think it's something we've all considered time to time. Who doesn't have a racist uncle on Facebook? Or an asshole friend from high school? Or a Tea Party cousin? My typical tactic is to unsubscribe and hide all that annoying, hateful, ignorant shit from my eyes. And I expect that people who hate feminism do the same to me. I don't bother unfriending because what if morbid curiosity takes over and I want to creep on their profile later?

So I just hide, hide, hide.

But lately I have been receiving such a deluge of annoying horribleness that I feel like I can't even keep up. Today, it was photo being shared of a very large girl in a very small pair of shorts. It's being passed around with the sole purpose of mocking her.