Slut Shaming vs. Cultural Critique

[Content note: Discussions of rape culture and slut shaming]

I have stayed intentionally silent on the whole Robin Thicke Blurred Lines nonsense because it's one of the few artifacts of rape culture that, I think, has actually received the proper backlash it deserves. But someone recently passed this article my way, in which a self described feminist defends the song and says that its detractors are essentially slut shaming...and goes as far as to say that the song is more feminist than the critique it has received.

Sigh.

Selena Gomez's Come and Get It...FAIL

When I was in Indy this past weekend, I was without my precious satellite radio, and therefore had to listen to the local top 40 station. One of the tunes they kept playing over and over was Selena Gomez's latest, "Come and Get It."

It's one of those songs that serves to be like a virus in my brain and although there's nothing I "like" about it, I found myself absentmindedly humming the chorus today and I decided to check out what the actual lyrics are about...so here you have it:

Hey, Maybe Don't Call Kelly Clarkson Hysterical

Celebrity feuds are as common as days that end in Y. But when they involve a celebrity I admire, I'm prone to pay more attention. This time it's Kelly Clarkson and Clive Davis.

Have I mentioned that I love Kelly Clarkson? I don't think I have, but it's true. I find her a genuine, beautiful breath of fresh air in the world of pop stars. And even if she actively scorns a feminist label and at one point mentioned liking Ron Paul (she learned!) I feel like she's overall a positive force in the music world. She's always come across to me as very "what you see is what you get" and her social media presence isn't some polished, PR approved, sterilized nightmare. It's authentically her--for better or worse.

So I found it really interesting when Clarkson blogged yesterday about Clive Davis attacking her in his book.

No, Taylor Swift. No.

I've been mentally composing this blog for forever and now I'm finally trying to piece it together. Hm. How do I say this?

Y'all...Taylor Swift is the worst.

Whelp. There it is. That's my thesis and let me now back it up.

Chris Brown is in a Competition...

He tries to out douchebag himself at every turn. And he's winning.

From Think Progress:

He’s tattooed an image of a battered woman, which looks strikingly like the images taken to document Rihanna’s injuries though he of course denies it’s her, on his neck...I’m not sure what’s less attractive—that Brown would document his assault on a specific woman he was in a relationship with, or that he wants to bear the image of a random battered woman on his body. Either way, whether he intends penance or defiance, Brown’s guaranteed that no one will be able to look at him without a reminder that he attacked a woman.

Congrats, Breezy. You're the worst! Thank you for making it abundantly clear.

Past writing on CB, if you're interested:
What Do We Do With Breezy?
I Figured It Out.
"I reject Chris Brown's comeback!"

Thinking About Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga in Vienna earlier this month

I've been reading Caitlin Moran's book, How To Be A Woman, as recommended by my friend Meghan. It's super entertaining and I'll be posting a review of it soon. In the meantime, I read a passage last night in which has been stuck in my mind and helped me, perhaps, finally reconcile my relationship with one Ms. Lady Gaga.

STOP TELLING ME LOW CONFIDENCE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Oh. Hi there. I'm back. Thanks for noticing.

I visited my little niece and she is perfect. I also helped my aunt through an eye surgery, which was successful. All around a trip well spent. And one which gave me a chance to get a little inspiration for blogging.

You see, I have XM radio in my personal car here in Austin. As such, I can pretty carefully listen to whatever I'd like on the radio. But in Indy, driving my aunt's car, I had to listen to normal radio (yes I'm a radio snob.) And I heard this song by One Direction.

It's called "What Makes You Beautiful" and it made me FUME.

Let's Talk About Rihanna

Content notes: discussions of domestic violence, verbal abuse, weight talk

I've been sitting on this topic for a while now because I wasn't sure how to organize everything I'd like to say. I still don't think I have. I first wanted to talk about RiRi when I heard her dad's super shitty comments earlier this month, but I was too mad at first to form a coherent thought. I think I'm good now so I'll get to that later.

I want to start by clarifying this. Despite what some people think in my personal life because I'll be the first to sing Rude Boy in karaoake and nothing helps me work out better than Where Have You Been?, I don't really LOVE Rihanna. I mean, I've got nothing against the girl, but to me she's mostly just a pop princess who's been through a lot and makes some ridiculously catchy tunes.

Well that's not entirely true.

Rihanna's not just another pop star to me. She is someone who I write about fairly regularly, and is no stranger to being covered by feminist blogs in general. Her very public domestic violence case with Chris Brown has been discussed and re-discussed to death. But beyond that, I've also argued that Rude Boy displays healthy sexual communication--a piece which was picked up by a fairly prominent progressive blog and has given me a huge spike in page views, putting it still as my most read post after two years.

So while some of her lyrics are something this feminist can get behind, the truth is I've never argued and I will never argue that Rihanna herself is a feminist. She's made some questionable choices, it's true. But I'm not in the business of creating identities for people, so I'm not here to make the case that she is or isn't a feminist. Rather, I'd like to just take a look at a few things that are going on w/ Ms. Robin Rihanna Fenty.

This will probably get long(er) but if you're in for the ride...

Kick Ass Feminist of the Day: Amber Tamblyn

My friend shared this story with me this morning and I couldn't resist talking about it. Apparently, actress Amber Tamblyn was cc'ed on an email to Tyrese Gibson by a mutual friend. Tyrese thought Tamblyn was Amber Rose, (because her middle name is Rose). He proceeded to email her asking for a collaboration and Tamblyn strung him along with HILARIOUS results.

Her songs, while a fantastic prank on Tyrese, are also going to be the new feminist-laughing-time soundtrack to my life. Here's a sampling of her set list:

Dancefloor Etiquette
Contraception Matters
All in Favor (about reproductive rights)

When Tyrese's response was basically WTF, this sucks, Tamblyn replied, "The first one I sent called Dancefloor Etiquette is important to the feministical evolution and fourth wave movement of Woman-Beats and Girl-Music. Ya know?" Heh! And people think feminists can't be funny.

I highly recommend you check out the link at the top of the article and listen to Tamblyn's flow. It's totally worth your time.

I remember feeling a particular connection to Tamblyn's Tibby in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants back in the day when Myranda made me watch it. She was the sarcastic, alterna, artsy one with glasses, blue hair, and fishnets. Little did I know that real life Tamblyn would make me even more happy many years later. Kudos, Amber Rose Tamblyn, for making my day!

In other news, she's engaged to David Cross? WHAT?! Who knew?

I Figured It Out...

Trigger warning: intimate partner violence.

In August, Chris Brown performed at the VMAs and I asked, "What do we do with Breezy?" The bulk of my concerns were this:

It is very, very disturbing to me for someone with a proven track record of anger management issues, violence, and abuse to be so heavily marketing to teen girls. I truly want to believe that people can change, but many abusers are repeat offenders. If the message we are sending teens is that you can brutally beat your girlfriend, lay low for a year or two, and then re-emerge and continue your ridiculously successful music career, how can we expect young people to condemn violence in their own lives? And what does it say about our society when we continue to implicitly reward this type of behavior?

Here we are in February 2012 and the answer from the Grammys is clear: we give him awards and allow him to perform twice. And to quote that NYDailyNews.com piece, his "comeback is complete."

"Baby It's Cold Outside:" When Old Stuff Doesn't Fit Our World Anymore

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist lens.

I'm not sure that many things about the Christmas season are more divisive than the music. It seems that people are either:

1) So in love with Christmas carols that they can't wait until they can add a "holiday" station to their Pandora OR

2) They cringe and roll their eyes when that first seligh bell sound appears in the music overhead at the department store in October and count down the days until it switches back to that other crappy music which is sociologically designed to make us browse slower.

I don't know if you could tell, but I tend to fall into category 2. However, no Christmas carol makes me more upset than Baby, It's Cold Outside. Just in case you are unfamiliar (lucky you!) this song is essentially about a chick saying she's got to leave and a dude trying to convince her to stay by saying, "baby, it's cold outside." (And to be fair, even through it's lumped in with Christmas carols, it's not inherently Christmasy, it's more a winter song.)

I'm sure that right off the bat, you can tell what gripe I have with this song. There's no way around it--it comes across as an anthem to date rape. I'm certainly not the first person to have this thought. In fact, in recent years it has become a bit of a standard Christmas time topic to explore in the feminist blogosphere.  As Chloe Angyal (in that last link) says,

By today’s standards, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a complete train wreck for many reasons. There’s the fact that the man—called “the Wolf” in the original libretto, as if he didn’t already sound predatory and coercive enough—ignores the woman’s explanations for why she needs to leave. There are the explanations themselves, which essentially amount to “my family, friends and neighbors will call me a slut if I stay.” And then, perhaps most problematic of all, there’s the Wolf’s attempt to guilt the woman (called “the Mouse” in the original libretto, as if to imply that she’s simply no match for the man) into staying.

Mouse/wolf? Yikes. Clearly, there is a problematic theme going on here. However, there has also been a feminist reaction which is attempting to defend the song, asking for it to be viewed in its own time and context. In fact, Jezebel is currently running a vote off for the "worst Christmas song ever" and while Baby It's Cold Outside is out of the running, it was quite controversial in the comments section. But every person complaining about the "rapey" nature, there was someone defending it on the grounds of it being a song about "seduction." Usually their defense was accompanied by a seemingly popular piece from Persephone, in which Slay Belle says,

Let’s look at the lines. As she’s talking about leaving, she never says she doesn’t want to stay. Her words are all based around other people’s expectations of her – her mother will worry, her father will be pacing the floor, the neighbors will talk, her sister will be suspicious of her excuses and her brother will be furious, and my favorite line that I think is incredibly revealing, “My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.” Vicious about what? Sex. Unmarried, non-good girl having, sex.

Later in the song, she asks him for a comb (to fix her hair) and mentions that there’s going to be talk tomorrow — this is a song about sex, wanting it, having it, maybe having a long night of it by the fire, but it’s not a song about rape. It’s a song about the desires even good girls have.

So what is he singing while she’s talking about what other people think of her? He’s providing her with a list of cover stories, essential, excuses she can use to explain why she hasn’t or won’t go home. It’s cold out, it’s snowing, the cabs aren’t running, the storm is becoming a blizzard, she might get hurt trying to get home.

I think what Slay Belle articulates is valid, to a point. When Frank Loesser wrote the song in 1936, this was a time when sexual behaviors in women were much more heavily shamed than now, so reluctance on the female's part is understandable. That said, I don't think there's any reason that we cannot acknowledge both the cultural context of the time the song was written and the problematic message it sends today's audiences.

Specifically, the biggest problem I have with the lyrics is:

The answer is no (her) - Ooh baby, it's cold outside (him)

Read that one more time. The answer is no. To me, that couldn't be more clear, and all bets are off from there on out. When someone, in plain English, says no, and then you try to "seduce" them, you're actually coercing them. To me, the song sends the message that no might mean yes, actually. It reinforces the misconception that women frequently (if not always) play games and want to be persuaded, when the truth is that real consent and real healthy sexual relationships come from open, honest communication.

Maybe it was a different time. Maybe the lyrics were meant to convey seduction or "desires even good girls have" but in a way, that's not really the point. We cannot simultaneously create a world where we strive for a "yes means yes" mentality and not deconstruct messages like this, no matter what time frame they're from. Our society frequently makes changes which force us to look at our past and say, "Hey, we might have done that back then, but now we know that's not OK." The examples are numerous and Baby It's Cold Outside is another one on the list.

"My Heart Belongs to Daddy"...Ewwww

So earlier this week I saw My Week with Marilyn. Truthfully, I wasn't impressed. While I love Michelle Williams and I think she does a good job, it wasn't really an interesting film and Monroe just comes across as annoying, which, maybe she was. I don't know.

Anyway, I saw it at the Alamo Drafthouse, because, you know, I see everything there. One great thing about the Drafthouse is that it does not play commercials as you trickle in the theater. Rather, they have a pre-show composed of clips from music videos, TV shows, movies, and other pop culture artifacts, all which pertain to the "featured presentation."

So for My Week with Marilyn, they played a video, which I assume was from a Monroe movie (I know very little about her, other than what you can't escape from as a member of our society.) It was a song and dance routine of "My Heart Belongs to Daddy." I couldn't find the exact video, but this should give you a good idea of what it sounded like:

Let's take a look at some of these lyics:

While tearing off a game of golf
I may make a play for the caddy
But when I do, I don't follow through
Cause my heart belongs to Daddy 

If I invite a boy some night
To dine on my fine food and haddie
I just adore, his asking for more
But my heart belongs to Daddy
...
If I invite a boy some night
To cook up some hot enchilada
Though Spanish rice is all very nice
My heart belongs to Daddy

Obviously, there are a number of things wrong here and this for real grosses me out. I am super uncomfortable with the inclusion of "daddy" into suggestive situations. I have no idea where this type of thing started, but Cole Porter's "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" is the earliest instance of this stuff that I've personally seen. Who knows? It might be as old as human civilization.

I can't help but let my mind go to all kinds of horrible situations when I think about this. And it all has to do with the connection that has been made between youth and sex; the infantilization of women.

Examples of this are everywhere in our youth obsessed society: sugar daddies and sugar babies, Brazilian waxes, baby talk, plastic surgery, and the list could go on. TV shows poke fun at it. Bloggers get mad about it. Advertisers have long capitalized on it, for example, in this old school ad:

Just as with Marilyn saying "da da da da DAD," there is undeniably both undertones of childishness and sexuality in here. I mean, come on. "Innocence is sexier than you think?"

This is a problematic combination.

Ok, listen. I am very much a "to each their own" type of person. If you really think that combining a childlike element in your ADULT CONSENSUAL relationship is for you, then whatever. So long as no kids are actually involved, live and let live. But I will say I am concerned about the power dynamics at play, just as I am with real age disparities. It makes me uncomfortable to have this cultural script of women as weaker, less informed, and dependent.

Ah well, I guess I'll just be over here enjoying a relationship that is blissfully devoid of any daddy references.

Learning to Tolerate Zooey Deschanel: A Feminist's Struggle

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist.

So let’s take a moment to talk about a pop culture icon of a woman, who seems to be nearly everywhere, shall we? Let’s talk about Ms. Zooey Deschanel.

Deschanel is tricky territory for me. She is someone who on a fundamental level just rubs me the wrong way, which is absurd, of course, seeing as how I’ve never met her. But in ever-presentness (she’s not only an actress but also a singer and fashion icon) I have found there to be a quality about her which doesn’t mesh well with me.

I’m not sure what it is. We can all agree that Deschanel is cute. Maybe it’s that she’s too cute. From her doe like eyes, to her hip vintage style, her hypnotizing folk band singing voice, the hearts on her cell phone, and her website’s URL (hellogiggles.com) she is undeniably adorable. Even her first name has a favorite childhood fieldtrip destination hidden right in it! Read more...

Oh Lil Wayne...You Still Suck

Today on my drive home, I got a little sick of NPR, so I switched over to the top 20 station. I don't do this as often now as I used to, and I'm thinking this might be why.

Wheezy has a new song out, How to Love...I've heard it once or twice before. In general it's super cheesy and not at all catchy or fun. This time I heard it, I actually listened to a bit of the lyrics more closely.

So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds

Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

Hmm...let me get to this in a second. But first, some context. It's no great surprise that many feminists aren't generally fond of Lil Wayne. His songs are known for being outwardly misogynist. One of his biggest hits reduces women to their body parts and ability to preform oral sex on him, which he "lets" them do, because he is, ya know, a nice rapper like that. And even when he attempts to celebrate women, his lyrics are often objectifying and dehumanizing. He routinely uses "hoes" to replace the word woman and is almost always looking for a way to put something about his penis in the lyrics with said "hoes." Also, in his beautifully articulate and intelligently named song Ask Dem Hoes he rambles about women, painting a one dimensional view of them. Basically, they just want him for sex and money.

So back to this new(er) song. When I hear How to Love and these lyrics in particular, I can't help but laugh. In his face. He posits that women are gold digging hoes, only good for a lay, and then in How to Love he wonders why the woman he is looking at seems insecure?

Really? There's no possible way that she's afraid you're about to put her in that same ho-box?There's no way that she has a hard time loving you because you're constantly spouting off misogynistic bullshit? There's no way that she has a hard time "crediting herself" because you have put it in her head that she's just an object?

Nope. In Wheezy's world she's insecure because she needs to learn how to love. And that's the fault of some other guys, or "crooks" as it were.

It's honestly laughable. As I often say, you just gotta laugh so you don't cry. In that spirit, I give you...

(Apologies for the horrible quality-it's all I could find on YouTube.)

Domestic Violence is So Mainstream

Have you heard the new song "Many of Horror" by Biffy Clyro?

Have you even heard of Biffy Clyro?

If not, I don't blame you. I only recently became aware of this Scottish band, and that was due solely to AltNation on XM radio. Upon hearing this song, I just sort of rolled my eyes because their general feel gave me a way too strong Nickleback or Daughtry vibe. Blech.

Upon actually listening to the lyrics, I was a bit worried. Here's the opening and the beginning of the refrain:

You say "I love you boy"
But I know you lie.
I trust you all the same
And I don't know why.

'Cause when my back is turned,
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairytale,
So hard to hide.

I still believe,
It's you and me
till the end of time.

When we collide we come together,
If we don't, we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.

Those are some pretty disturbing lyrics to me. I'm trying to find a way to view them that doesn't invoke images of domestic violence, but it's really hard. It seems to capitalize on the myth that violence perpetrated against men by women is no big deal. I mean, he'll take the bruise, he knows she's worth it.

Really?

If we imagined that lyric sang by a woman instead of a man, most people would be deeply disturbed. Fact of the matter is that we have got to take a stand against all forms of violence. Excusing a woman who batters a man is not only incredibly dangerous for all men, but it also perpetuates stereotypes about what it means to be a "real" man and the idea that women are weak, defenseless little things. Yes, we all know men are, on average, physically larger and strong than women. But does that mean that protections against violence should only be extended to women?

Dumb.

Unfortunately, if the popularity of Nickleback and Daughtry are any indication of the public's tendency embrace shitty rock ballads, Biffy Clyro isn't going anywhere, regardless of their DV message or not. I guess I'll just be a one woman protest by turning the dial when this tripe comes on.

The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful

The Good

Dear Ellen Page,

Despite loving Juno, Whip It, and even Hard Candy, I hadn't yet decided how I felt about you. I don't think you're entirely the best actress in the world, even if you do make REALLY good role choices. However, it turns out...I love you. I love public women who boldly speak their truth, especially when that truth just happens to be one that is underrepresented and I agree with passionately.

Love,
Ami

The Bad

Dear Chris Brown,

Unlike some people, I will never, ever forget what you did. EVER. I don't think that domestic violence apologies are enough. I don't think your punishment was enough. I don't want you in the public eye anymore. As such, I will not listen to your music. Thank God that my XM radio alerts me to who the artist is that I'm listening to, so when it's you, I can promptly turn the dial. I didn't listen to your new song "I Can Transform Ya" but I did look up the lyrics. How appropriate that you are writing about controlling a woman by changing her...her looks, her clothes, buying her things, telling her you "see potential" in her. And how appropriate that you feature Lil Wayne on the track. It's just like a big old misogynistic party that I declined my invite to.

Cordially fuck off,
Ami

Dear Bristol Palin,

Where do I start, Bristol? I had hope for you...once. I heard that after you got pregnant, you questioned the anti-sex abstinence only perspective of right wingers like your mom. But then you appeared on the "I'm so glad I chose life" magazine cover with your mom. That's when I knew I couldn't hold out any hope. You confirmed my pessimism with this PSA. I won't come out as strong against the Candies Foundation and the "pause before you play" tag line as Jos did in the linked blog, (because it could mean many things.) But I WILL come out as strong against your classist message. I'm sorry...but I really felt like the thesis was "if you're poor, don't have sex EVAAARRR!" and that's something I just can't get behind.

Please take your mom and your "perfect" rich white I-can-get-away-with-teen-pregnancy-because-I'm-better-than-you self and go far, far away. Forever.

Sincerely,
Ami

The Beautiful

Dear Eryah Badu,

When I first heard about the controversy surrounding your video, I thought it was much ado about nothing. Honestly, I didn't care one way or the other about what you were doing. Then I read analysis after analysis...and one thing that stood out to me was suggested by a commenter on Feministing (which I can't find right now.) It had to do with how Matt and Kim also stripped nude in public for their video "Lessons Learned." The comparisons were everywhere. Ronald first mentioned to me the similarities, when I hadn't thought of. Then I saw people saying how their video inspired you. Then, in the specific comment I mentioned, someone pointed out how Matt and Kim didn't receive a citation and their video was seen as innocent and childlike, if not comical. While your video, on the other hand, was portrayed as such a sexual piece which you were fined for.

It reminded me of how black women's bodies are hypersexualized by our society. How they are commodified. How they are compared to animals. I started to think about the controversy surrounding your video in a different light. I started to see what was really going on. And when I heard what you had to say about your body, and I began to really admire you.

But what made me love your video the most, was seeing it through the eyes of a 5 year old.

Thank you, Ms. Badu. Thank you for your video, for your work, and for being you.

Stay beautiful,
Ami

Analysis of Rihanna's Rude Boy

Warning, explicit content to follow :)

When I bought my car in September, one of my favorite things about it was the satellite radio. On a vacation to Boston the summer before, Ronald and I became hooked on a radio station called AltNation. Indie rock to the max. Needless to say, this became the station regularly played in my car for the past 6 months. However, every now and then I do come up for some pop air and stray from my wonderful indie rock.

Lately I've been getting one of these pop fixes. The top 20 station is usually playing The Black Eyed Peas' "Imma Bee" or Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" or her duet with Beyonce, "Telephone." Every now and then I'll also catch New Republic's "All the Right Moves." (Here's a confession: I love every one of those songs. I can't help it. Pop has the place of being like junk food for my brain. I know it's crap. But. I. Love. It.)

Anyway, another song I've heard a few times now is Rihanna's "Rude Boy" which is the subject of this blog. When I first heard it a few lyrics stood out to me and I began to think of it as an anthem for healthy, consensual, communicative sex. And after reading the full lyrics, I have some thoughts on it.

Let me back up. We all know Rihanna's history. Her abuse (inflicted by then boyfriend, Chris Brown) was made painfully public and discussed and analyzed by everyone under the sun, including yours truly. And I've been worried about her...would she go back to him? Would she go down in history as that girl who was smacked around by Chris Brown? Thankfully, we can now see the answer to both questions is no. Her latest album is doing well (it went platinum) and she's even been a critical part of one of my favorite recent SNL digital shorts, Shy Ronnie. Rihanna's not moving on without acknowledging her recent past, however. The latest album, Rated R, features an angry tone and I feel like her photograph on the album cover is no accident. (Covering the right side of her face which was most battered by Chris Brown.) I think she's moving forward in what seems to be a healthy manner...not forgetting what she's been through in her past, but making her present her own.

Ok, so on to "Rude Boy." When I was riding in the car the first time I heard it I was struck by how sexual it was. My point isn't to comment on how our society is becoming more and more sexual...I'm going to take it from the perspective that Rihanna is a 22 year old woman who is capable of expressing her sexuality through her art. My point is that, rather, I was just taken a back for a minute by just how sexual it is. (There's a reason the album is called Rated R.)

The second time I heard the song, however a few lyrics stood out to me and made me think that the song could be an anthem for healthy, consensual, communicative sex, as I mentioned above. Specifically, Rihanna sings:

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
I like when you tell me 'kiss you here'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'

All too often, women are not assertive in their sexual relationships and put up with...well bad sex because they're too embarrassed or afraid to say what they really want. Here, Rihanna is showing that it's ok to say what you want and to be told what to do to pleasure your partner. And if she doesn't like it, she's not going to fake it! Pretty cool, huh? I mean, what is more of a sign of a woman playing the role of a sex object and pandering to the sexual shortcomings and ego of a man more than to fake an orgasm?

But then I read the full lyrics and a few things stood out to me...at first I was concerned about this:

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah

My initial thoughts: Really? Let a man take charge in a sexual situation? How novel. No one has EVER done that before. But then I kept reading and the next verse reads:

Tonight I'ma give it to ya harder
Tonight I'ma turn ya body out
Relax; let me do it how I wanna
If you got it I need it and I'ma put it down
Buckle up; I'ma give it to ya stronger
Heads up; we could go a little longer

Ok, now we're talking...I get it. Sometimes he's in control, sometimes you are. And that's how sex lives should be, right? It's not about one person's desires, pleasures, and control...it's about a balance between the two individuals involved.

All in all, I think that "Rude Boy" is, by comparison to most R&B/Rap songs about sex, pretty damn egalitarian. And while I still cringe slightly at the idea of younger children listening to the song, it's another reason for me to love Rihanna and not feel so bad when this song is stuck in my head.

That Damn Dirty F-Word

Here are some brilliant quotes by brilliant women about feminism. (That was sarcasm.)

The first three are taken from here.

Lady Gaga:
''I think it's great to be a sexy, beautiful woman who can f--- her man after she makes him dinner,'' she says. ''There's a stigma around feminism that's a little bit man-hating. And I don't promote hatred, ever. That's not to say that I don't appreciate women who feel that way. I've got a lot of gay women friends that are like, 'Put your clothes on.' People just have different views about it. I'm not wrong. I'm free. And if it's wrong to be free, then I don't want to be right. Things are changing. We've got a black president, people.''

Kelis:
"There's a really negative connotation with the word feminist. I have no penis envy. I love being a woman, I love women. I think we are special and spectacular in so many different ways, but the connotation behind feminism is generally that we hate men; you know, we don't shave our legs. But if the word feminist just means a female who is comfortable in her own skin and doesn't apologise for it, then yes. I don't apologise for being a woman or being who I am."

Hillary Duff:
"I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend!"

Kelly Clarkson:
Would you call yourself a feminist?

"No, not at all. I mean, that was the first time in my life -- which maybe I'm naïve and I've not been put in any situations like that -- but that's the first time in my life I've ever even heard someone use that mentality. I'm like, "Hey, knock-knock, 2008." Most of the men in my life have been very highly supportive. I've never had to even think like a feminist because no one around me even thinks one [sex] is higher than the other."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's really interesting how feminism is STILL getting such a bad wrap. And even though a majority of people understand gender bias exists, they can't imagine referring to themselves as feminists. I mean, feminists all burn bras, hate men, and don't shave their arm pits, right?

Needless to say, I don't burn bras (I LOVE BRAS!) I don't hate me (I LOVE MEN...well the ones in my life, at least) and I do shave my armpits (I LOVE 'EM SILKY SMOOTH). I can admit that shaving might just be a tool of oppression, but I digress.

There is an interesting phenomena in the world. And let's call it "I'm not a feminist but..." Basically, women are so afraid of being labeled a feminist, that they'll go to any length to distance themselves from the term, despite holding and espousing feminist values. Just so long as before saying feminist things, they can tack on the phrase "I'm not a feminist but..." they're in the clear. PHEW! That was a close one...someone almost thought you were a feminist. *Insert horror movie scream.*

It all comes down to the denigration of feminism in the popular area. I think the most clever thing that was done to feminists by oppressors was to associate feminism with hating men. It's so simple and seemingly logical. You're pro-woman? Well then you must be anti-men! (Although any reasonable person knows that the world is not so binary as that... there's a lot of "gray," my friends.) This made it less attractive to women and nearly impossible for men to associate themselves with feminism. Which further broke the movement, and let the oppression continue. Think about it...if feminism had been widely embraced, things probably would be much more equitable by now, right? (Of course to agree to that, you'd have to actually understand what feminism is about and not buy the hype.)

Similar things have happened to the black power movement and the gay rights movement. By stereotyping black power leaders as white-hating, militant, and dangerous...fear was created and the mainstream didn't trust them. By portraying gay right activists as people who want to "teach" homosexuality to your children, they were not trusted.

I don't want to get off on a crazy tangent about the man, but come on...can't we see what's happening? Any time a group rises to challenge the status quo, we're made to fear and hate them.

Same holds true for feminism.

I don't know what hopeful conclusions I can draw to end this on, except to say that for those of us who are feminists, we've got to let the people around us know that we are. Eventually they'll have to admit that we don't fit that stereotype.

Also from LJ: On Katy Perry...

Subtitle: Otherwise Known as the 4th Horsewoman of The Feminist Apocalypse

I've been composing this entry in my mind for a while now. I didn't know what it was about her, but something about Ms. Perry just rubbed me the wrong way from the start. So the more I looked at her, the more I came to realize that she is an embodiment of everything that is wrong with women in the media. Ok, maybe not everything...but certainly a lot of things.

Let's take a look at her first super-mega hit single "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It." I've had a few discussions with Myranda about this song, because as characteristic examples of feminism, we had different ways of viewing it. She saw it as an empowering song, along the lines of experimentation, finding who you truly are, and possibly coming out. She saw the song as making themes like these are more commonplace in society, and therefore an ultimately good thing for equality and the safety of homosexuals. (Did I get that right, I don't really remember the conversation in detail, Myranda.)

I can see the merits of this view, but I think it is making the song out to be something more than it is. I think it is anything but liberating. To put it simply, I think it reduces women to the bisexual play things of men. Let me reference some excerpts of her *artistically beautiful* lyrics.

I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
-----
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
-----
No I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter

I selected these verses to hit at a few points. First, to my claim that it's not about coming out or realizing something about herself...she still has a boyfriend, and indicates no intention of leaving him. She doesn't know the girl's name, and she says it's not love, so it's not as if we are meant to believe anything real will come of this. And lastly, it really is just about being flirty and slutty, and making "bad decisions" while drinking.

This, right here, is a prime example of the type of media messages that prompt a group of SIXTH GRADE GIRLS to tell me that boys want them to be bisexual (not just straight or gay) and to drink or smoke pot. That's a real story friends, that's what I heard when I asked them what "boxes" boys try to put them in. (FYI: When you are in 6th grade you're usually 12).

Now, as if this wasn't bad enough Ms. Perry has come out with a new mentally stimulating follow up song which opens with:

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

GREAT! I've got an idea, let's all play into stereotypes that women have been trying to fight for years. Sounds good, huh? Here's a little secret out there for all the sexists in the world: The best way to continue oppression is to get the oppressed to play a role in their subjugation. Now, I know I'm throwing around some pretty strong words for a silly little song like this, but it just makes me sick to see this kind of thing. How can we expect men to strop rapping about bitches and hos when we are calling ourselves the same thing? And don't give me the whole "in-group" argument this time! Nothing makes me sicker than imagining little girls...MY girls singing the opening lines of this song and it soaking into their brains that girls are just supposed t be obsessed with clothes and that any time we act "bitchy" (read: standing up for ourselves) we must be PMS'ing.

*SIGH*

The problem is what Katy Perry represents. It goes beyond her, and she is certainly not the first nor will she be the last. The formula is the same, the face and name are different. You could probably name a hundred women right now who have gained some level of celebrity due CHIEFLY to their looks (and often their willingness to play the game--ie. wear a little as possible) as opposed to being recognize for any amount of talent they may have. (As talent is often lacking in them, while less attractive powerhouses of song, dance, acting, etc. are overlooked.)

The other problem with Katy Perry and the others like her is their prevalence. We often ask in our program "Redefining Beauty" for the girls to name as many famous female singers, actresses, and models as they can, which is simple. Then to name as many famous female doctors, scientists, and judges as they can, and this part is very difficult for them to do, if not impossible. I mean, think back to this summer/fall. How many times did you hear about a famous female mathematician? Then, how many times did you hear "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It"? You couldn't escape it! And let's be damn honest here, her songs are catchy! Despite her lack of vocal talent, they're toe-tappers. You can't deny it. But the point is that society rewards women like Katy Perry with media exposure and denies the same to women like Mary Edwards Walker. (Look her up.) And without a counter voice to challenge girls to think beyond the boxes that society tries to place them in (like the prototypical bitch vs. slut dichotomy) the world would be a very sad and scary place for us all. So while my subtitle was very ominous, I don't actually believe we are at the death of feminism...Rather far from it. Women like Katy Perry give women like me the drive to keep speaking out and writing ignorantly long posts.

Popular Music and the White Horse Myth

So I don't think I've written about Rhianna and Chris Brown, because everyone else has talked it to death. I guess all I will say is that I was really upset when I first heard about it because my girls *IDOLIZE* him.

This post is really about Taylor Swift, however. I'll make the connection to Rhianna later...

Taylor Swift is a squeaky clean, upbeat, happy-go-lucky, young kind of musical "artist." For that, most people would applaud her. She hasn't fallen into any of the "bad girl" activities that many of her counterparts have. Thus far, she's avoided trashy photos, public intoxication, breast implants, or drug use...that we know of. So YAY, she's not a complete disaster.

Here's the thing: Taylor Swift's lyrics, in my opinion, are as damaging to young girls as seeing Britney Spears' personal life all over the media. Take a look at "Love Song." The message? You can be rescued by a Romeo. He'll ask your dad for your hand in marriage...you'll get to wear a white dress, and all your troubles will melt away.

Awww...how sweet and misogynist!

Her next song, which I saw in a commercial the other day, is called "White Horse." Here's the chorus:

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around

Maybe I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings,
Now I know

Ok, so now she's figured out that knights in shining armor don't really exist. That's a little more realistic. But the problem here is that this sends the message that a savior on a white horse is what the guy should be. Additionally, she sings that basically she had been dreaming of happy endings but came to realize that she had believed in a fantasy, and that reality was very different.

So I'm thinking how about we NOT teach our girls to believe in fantasies? How about we NOT teach them to want to be princesses looking for a man in shining armor to save them? The fact of the matter is that NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOURSELF. Until we teach girls that they are full and total people in and of themselves who do not require anyone to fix them, save them, help them, or complete them, girls will forever be living in a fantasy.

Try to stay with me on this one…if we tell girls that “Mr. Right” will come along and save them, then girls (and women) begin to make out every man they love to be this perfect savior. They create a fantasy world, as described in the lyrics, and believe in their “savior” men. Even when the men, as Ms. Swift puts it, let you down and have to fight to have the upper hand.

This is where beaten and battered young women like Rhianna come in. As we’ve heard in the latest news, she and Chris are back together and even potentially collaborating in the studio on a love song.

If we teach young women that they are full and complete people on their own, they wouldn’t stay with an abusive person, they would know that love should never hurt, and they wouldn’t think they can stay with their abuser and “change him.” They would be realistic about the faults of the men in their lives and know when to get out! (And by saying this, I am in NO WAY trying to blame the victim! I’m just saying that such young women would expect better for themselves, and get out.)

What we’ve got to teach our daughters is that they don’t need saving. They are strong. They can take care of themselves and they don’t need anyone to help them. So what’s this mean for love, romance, and being “swept off your feet*”? Nothing! True love comes from people choosing to be together, not from one person needing the other. Romance can be alive and well between two equally situated people in a relationship. In fact, I would argue that romance is BETTER when the individuals enjoy an equal balance of power…but I don’t have experience with it in an unequal relationship to compare against. I just have a hunch.

So in summary, don’t listen to Taylor Swift. And if you’re like me and you can’t avoid her on the radio, then at least don’t buy her music. Being squeaky clean isn’t good enough if the substance is unrealistic, superficial, and damaging.

*I just realized I don’t like the phrase “swept off your feet” because of its literal meaning of being picked up and carried off.