I'm going to do things a little different this year. Instead of waiting until the night is long over, I'm going to semi-live blog this thing. (Only semi, because I'm not going to post it as I go, I'll wait until the end.) But it will be much more stream of conscious style than usual. Plus, I'm much more likely to remember who the companies involved if I just write it all up now instead of trying to remember tomorrow.
Let me make sure I put this out there: I hate football. I really, truly do. It's just not my thing. But the Super Bowl is such a spectacle and its ads are a huge artifact of pop culture and are pretty influential and iconic, so I have to do this, ya know? Companies spend so much on their ads tonight and try to have the best one, so let's see what they have.
If the stream of consciousness thing ain't for you, I'm going to put my TL;DR comments above the cut. If you would actually like to see where my brain went during the game, then the stuff under the cut is made for you!
TL;DR: Overall, things weren't the worst this year. If anything I was absolutely underwhelmed. BUT there were still some distinct disappointments. VW's "Wings" ad included both a penis size and sexual harassment joke while totally ignoring women as engineers. How did at least one person in the production of that not say, "Dude, you gotta have a woman engineer get her wings." Axe brought in some racism and sexism with their "Peace: Make Love Not War" spot, which is nothing surprising for their brand. On the other hand, Goldiblox is awesome but I knew that. Coke actually did something interesting. And my old nemesis GoDaddy had something very different to offer, but no one believes they aren't the same old jerks.
OK! Let's get this piece started. Right now we have a bunch o' amped up dudes standing around listening to the national anthem belted by an operatic soprano. Snooze...I MEAN yay 'murica!
All right, first commercial break since I've tuned in. Nothing noteworthy so far...just a trailer for Noah, the McDonald's Bad Lip Reading spot, and an ad about T Mobile's speed featuring a cheetah. I guess since the game actually doesn't being for 3 minutes yet, they aren't bringing out the big guns.
Coin toss. Weather talk. "Pre-kick" show ends.
Ok, first official break. We've got Rob Riggle in a self-aware spot talking about how the Ford Fusion has double fuel economy. So apparently they're going to follow it with a double long commercial after. The longer one starts right after with James Franco, playing Rob Riggle. Much more fancy. Nothing offensive. Just a kinda, funny self-aware ad.
Kick off, dudes run around a field. I tune out, use the restroom. Check Tumblr. You get the idea.
Break #2 Bud Light commercial w/ "hidden cameras" and this guy Ian Rappaport doesn't know he's in it HEY! Reggie Watts! Ok, now one with Quvenzhané Wallis. She's the cutest. It's pretty inspirational and heartfelt, about being the underdog kinda...but what is it for? Something cool? Sigh. A car "We have prepared. Now we strike." Maserati.
Still nothing particularly funny or interesting or noteworthy. But still nothing offensive or gross, so we're at an even break right now.
Break #3 Doritos is up. A little kid has a time machine that runs on them. A guy is fooled into thinking he went into the future because when he comes out of the time machine, an old man is standing there. Meh. Up next, a cowboy/bull rider in his big ass truck...and the bull is apparently a "very eligible bachelor" and the mood shifts from serious to funny because the bull is going to be bred. Chevy Silverado. Ew.
I haven't even cracked a smile on any of this yet.
Break #4 Need for Speed trailer. Turbo Tax has one up next about how the Super Bowl isn't a "national holiday" for most of us because it's like watching some other guy dance with the girl you like at prom for 4 hours. Kinda funny.
Break #5 We meet back up with Ian Rappaport in the Bud Light commercial riding in the limo with Reggie Watts playing. He goes into an elevator and Don Cheadle walks in with a llama. Then Ian has to play Arnold Schwarzenegger in ping pong because the wall opens and he's in a One Republic concert. It was actually kinda fun to see a random guy ambushed with so many odd, random things. Next up is Ellen in a Goldilocks themed Beats Music ad. I love Ellen but none of these have blown my mind still.
Oh hey, perhaps it's a good time for this reminder:
Remember – the NFL made $10 billion profit last year but is still classified nonprofit. We can stop that. http://t.co/MoGqiZqwbs #SuperBowlBreak #6 Is this U2? Did I got back in time? "In support of (RED.)" Hm. Ok. Next are dads pulling their kids away from certain doom (like falling head first into bricks) and it's about the auto emergency break from Hyundai. That one was kind of nice in that it positioned child care with men, but the tag line was something along the lines of, "Remember when only dads saved the day?" which isn't the best because moms save the day too, but oh well. Then one for the Daytona 500.
— Scot Hacker (@shacker) February 3, 2014
Checking in on Twitter...
We do not need to glorify the White Savior Industrial Complex with Bono & U2. #NotBuyingItWhelp.
— Lauren Chief Elk (@ChiefElk) February 3, 2014
Break #7 The Cheerios biracial family ad. I like it. Now, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? A bunch of random creepy people creeping. I guess they were supposed to symbolize people online, because it was for Square Space. Radio Shack now...about how "the 80's want their store back." Well that one caught my attention at least and is definitely in keeping with what their brand needs right now.
Break #8 Another car commercial, I think? With a sad, slow song playing and a couple driving along. They hold hands...it's for Chevy and American Cancer Day. John Turturro!?? What are you doing here? Wait's a GoDaddy commercial (gross!) about a lady quitting her job for her dream.
Well that was surprising. A non sexist, non offensive GoDaddy ad. Could this mark a change for their brand? I guess only time will tell since they typically run several ads per Super Bowl. Either way, I don't care. They've already entrenched themselves as assholes in my brain 5ever. Let's not forget their garbage from last year (I think?) about combining smart and sexy.
|[Image text: Gif of a "nerd" and super model about to kiss.]|
Break #9 A different Bud Light ad highlighting the twist top. Yawn. Tim Tebow (booooo) making fun of himself not having a contract for a T Mobile spot. Now for Weather Tech bragging about their American made focus. Trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction.
Check Twitter, saw this gem, must share:
Given Tebow's #antichoice baggage, surprised @TMobileHelp would do an ad featuring him delivering a baby. #NotBuyingItHow is it not even halftime yet? I'm exhausted.
— Erin Matson (@erintothemax) February 3, 2014
Break #10 Carcarcarcar. ZZzzzzZzZz This time for Volkswagen. German engineers "getting their wings." Cheap joke about them meaning penis size. Wait, are all the engineers getting their wings dudes? BE BETTER, VW. Stephen Colbert for Wonderful Pistachios, short, simple. H&M with David Beckham running around in his underwear. HAHA! A follow up with Colbert and he's now highly branded. That was a good two parter.
Break #11 Spiderman trailer. CarMax slow clap. Geico ad that runs all the time. M&M as "America's Favorite Nut."
Break #12 "America the Beautiful" in multiple languages runs over some various beautiful imagery. People of so many types are actually represented...what the heck is this?? Oh, Coke. Nice. Kudos, you high fructose corn syrup peddlers. I liked that. Next a Sonos ad for music types battling in a house.
Still not to halftime yet. Check Twitter.
If you're not using closed captions, you probably don't know what languages are in this Coke ad. Or that the second "America" was in Hindi.Ok, even more respect, Coke.
— Amadi (@amaditalks) February 3, 2014
Break #13 Muppets with Terry Crews for Toyota. Super cute. Subway with weird Fritos sandwich.
While some dudes are playing some sport, let me reflect on what I've seen so far...Hmmm...well the only one that really bothered me so far was VW. Their ad not only made a "size" joke, but it also excluded women, except to hint at sexual harassment. Shame on them.
Break #14 Fox Sports Live ad...a new sports show, it seems. Only one lady is on the team and she's introduced standing on a clam shell in a white dress? Seriously? Then a bunch of celebrities for Time Warner Cable. Some dudes at KFC. Then the horrible Scientology spot and a generic WalMart ad that have both been around a minute.
ALL RIGHT FRIENDS. We have arrived at half time. Twitter check in again:
So... the lady is in a clam shell? okay... the guys do cool things like break thru walls, & the lady is a vagina metaphor. #NotBuyingItI know right??
— Sara (@Secjwick) February 3, 2014
Break #15 Pro restlessness ad for what I assume will turn out to be a car. Yep, Jeep.
By the way, I'm not counting the massively long promo Fox did for its own shows or the local commercials that got snuck in there after Bruno Mars' performance. And DAMMIT I now just got sucked into a discussion on Twitter and spaced out. I think I missed some stuff. Ooooops my bad. My break count is now likely off.
All I know now is that the second half has started off with another Seahawks touchdown. Heh.
Break #16 Guy and lady talking about breeding a Doberman and a Chihuahua. Weird big headed CGI dog...Sarah McLachlan...turns out it's all for a CAR again, Audi, this time. With a message that compromise is bad? Huh? WAIT YES YES YES YES YES YES. GoldieBlox's anti-pink commercial for more toy options for girls. Makes me very happy.
|[Image text: Gif of kids from Happy Potter cheering]|
Break #17 Up next, a commercial about how love is the most powerful weapon...and apparently love is super heterosexist and racist OH because it's for Axe. Fuck Axe. But at least they were followed by a bear in a country store wanting Chobani. That was ok.
I'm sorry. Did Axe just suggest soldiers claiming women in combat zones as the new frontier of love? #NotBuyingIt #SuperBowlCan I go to bed yet? Oh, it's only 7:50? Shit.
— Shelby Knox (@ShelbyKnox) February 3, 2014
Break #18 Larry Fishburne reprising his role as Morpehus, but SHOCKER for a car ad. Sprint Framily spot. Heinz "happy and you know it" bottle tapping.
Break #19 All rigthy, now Bruce Willis is here to talk about car safety. Yes, Bruce? You want us all to hug? OK, I guess...waaaaaaait is that Fred Armisen hugging you creepily? Heh. Ok, I like it, Honda. Here comes a soldier returning home for Budwiser, and he's actually in the audience at the game.
More dudes running around on a field. I wonder if the Broncos will end this game with 0 points.
Break #20 Cowboys. American sentiment..."is there anything any more American than America?" ummm....Bob Dylan talking about Detroit and cars.
|[Image text: Gif of Matthew Perry (I believe playing Chandler from Friends) falling asleep.]|
Chrysler: "Let Asia build your phone." Wow, racism. And I was just composing a tweet about patriotism. #NotBuyingIt #SB48Captain's log...spirits fading. My emotions have deadened. I'm losing all hope. But really I'm just tired and over this whole thing, but let's see what's up now.
— Sarah Hope (@sarahmusing) February 3, 2014
Break #21 A bunch of people dealing with losses and victories and it finally centers in on football players. Um yeah, it was for the NFL. Because this is clearly an audience they need to try to capture. Next up is Millie who has some award winning jam OH HEY! It's the Texas state capitol! Ah, an HEB commercial about the best products in Texas. Y'all probably didn't see that unless you're also in Texas.
Break #22 A little kid, Adrian is playing football. He keeps running and running off the field and into a nearby stadium. He's given a coke...I feel like that actually meant something to other people. I didn't get it. Now it's the infamous Butterfinger peanut butter and chocolate marriage counseling commercial which implies introducing a third into your relationship.
Break #23 All about technology helping people, "technology has the power to unite us." Shows how it has helped people who have various disabilities. Microsoft. And now Johnny Galecki in the 51 billionth car commercial, this one for Hyundai.
Break #24 Various British actors talking about how they always play villains...the Tom Hiddleston fandom goes wild. It's for Jaguar. Followed by John Stamos for Oikos yogurt...AHHHH! I was going to get mad about the continued gross sexualization of food, but then Bob Saget and Dave Coulier showed up and I can't resist a Full House reference.
|[Image text: Gif of Michelle Tanner saying, "you got it, dude."]|
If someone is reading this, I'm not even sorry I just said butthole. But I do think you're pretty amazing for making it this far.
Break #25 Another no contract ad from T Mobile. Their stuff's as tired as I am. CRAP. My cable went out for a second so I missed something...what if it was the most sexist one??? I come back to what looks like a 24 commercial...OH. Apparently "Jack is Back." They've been playing super short little teasers to that all night but I didn't know what to make of them. I get it now.
Uh oh. Someone is hurt? Richard Sherman, I take it. I am truly not paying attention to the actual game. :-/ And according to the people I follow on Twitter, a bunch of assholes are happy about it, mocking him, and slinging the N word about it. Fuck me.
Break #26 A puppy and a Budwiser Clydesdale love each other. Super cute. Now we have a bunch of really muscly people running to a spray tan place for GoDaddy? Blergh. Another Doritos spot, two boys refuse to help their mom carry the groceries but then they ride their dog (wtf?)
All right folks, I believe that's it. (As if it wasn't enough.) But I'd like to end on this:
More women watch SB than Oscars, Grammys & Emmys combined. We drive cars and trucks. And drink beer. Sometimes we eat yogurt. #notbuyingit
— Soraya Chemaly (@schemaly) February 3, 2014
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