A super important post about my evolving feelings re: one, Ms. Taylor Swift

I haven't been fond of Taylor Swift in the past (like both last year and the FAR past.) In fact, I believe my exact words about her went a little something like, "She's the worst."

But I have something to admit.

*Deep breath*

I don't hate her anymore. I'm not saying I like her...but ok, I kinda like her.

I could chalk this up to a "Swiftamine" situation, which is true, but also, there have been a few things I've seen here and there lately which have caught my eye and given her come credibility in my mind.

• She amended her identification as a feminist. And she's talking double standards and stuff now.
• She seems genuinely nice, at least from her recent "Swiftmas" video.
• Her more recent music seems to shake the girl-on-girl hate mentality. (I can't speak for the songs on 1989 which weren't released as singles since I haven't heard the whole album, so here's hoping this is true.)
• Her affinity for cats. This is not a legitimate point in her favor, unless you love cats as much as I do.
• This cover of TIME Magazine. (Click through that link for why it matters.)

I thought long and hard about even mentioning this because Swift, overall, is still FAR from perfect. And I'm still going to cringe at her...a lot, probably. But because one of my anti-TS posts recently got a little traction for some reason, I felt it was perhaps appropriate to issue at least a light amendment on my opinion of her to "actually, maybe not the worst, I guess."

Because if my feminism can't acknowledge someone's personal growth, then what is it even for?

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Apologies and a thought on educating others

As I've mentioned a million, billion times, early-mid November is the most busy time of year for me professionally. And this year, I went MIA for much longer than I usually do. So sorry to fall of the face of the earth, but not sorry that I've been taking sometime to recharge, rest my brain, and not write.

All that aside, the event I was helping manage for work brought up an interesting mental debate for me (one which I always return to.)

I was running a session where a panel of high school aged young women were talking to funders and sponsors about the real issues they and their peers experience. It's a very unique thing my organization does, where instead of "high profile" and very "important" adults constantly lecturing, educating, and "inspiring" youth...youth tell them what's really up. I love it.

One activity we had going while people arrived asked the adults to write positive messages for girls. This morning I was reading back over the answers and I saw one that made me think a whole lot of things all at once. The statement was, "Boys can be your allies, but they need to be taught how."

My first reaction was YES, AMAZING! followed quickly by, "But wait, boys should educate themselves. We can't put the onus on girls all the time." followed quickly by "No one owes anyone an education!" followed quickly by "But the default of our society is so misogynistic, that we all must actively unlearn it. Why not help boys do just that, if you can?"

It's something I think about a lot. I go back and forth on the concept that marginalized people bear a responsibility in educating the privileged. On one hand, the privileged should undoubtedly be held responsible for their own thoughts, views, and prejudices...and changing them. On the other hand, the dominant culture so regularly preferences whiteness, malenesss, straightness, cissness, able-bodiedness, thinness, (etc.) that if we don't specifically listen to the marginalized, the status quo will be forever maintained.

I guess what I keep coming back to is the conclusion that individuals do not bear the responsibility of educating anyone (but themselves), but if and when we feel up to it, we should try. So if someone wants to tell girls to take the opportunity to educate boys on issues of sexism and misogyny, then GREAT, so long as we don't ever hold girls responsible for the continued presence of sexism and misogyny.

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I'm not so sure about "Good Enough"

[Content note: mentions of fatphobia, weight loss, harassment, objectification, and one article in the section about Playboy details an instance of the sexualization of a child.]

I've been ruminating on this topic for a while, but I haven't quite known how to put it in words. I still don't, actually, but I figured I'd at least give it a shot.

I'm someone who tries as hard as possible to be really self aware. As such, I've taken every personality test available to me. That's led me to learn very clearly that I thrive on order and structure (for example, I'm a "concrete sequential," ESTJ, and my Strengths Finder results are: Achiever, Discipline, Input, Learner, and Communication.) And I have a hard time with things being "half assed" as it were. I like it when stuff's wrapped up neatly, tasks are complete, and work is thorough.

Of course, life doesn't play out that way and almost everything we encounter in "real life" has a lot of ambiguity and messy edges to it. This is especially true of social justice and feminist endeavors.

What I mean specifically, is that I want everything to be as inclusive, equitable, and justice-oriented as possible, but it never is. It's the whole, "your fave is problematic" thing. Even people/pieces of media/companies that are awesome about one topic are horrific at another. And I can't ignore it. Once your eyes are opened to various intersecting oppressions and privileges, you can't turn it off...my brain has become rewired to bristle when people use certain language or invoke certain concepts. So I can't overlook when an awesome feminist does something shitty. It sort of taints the whole thing for me and I'm not really sure what to do about this.

Observations from Jury Duty

So I've just had jury duty and now that it's over, I can talk about it allllll I want. But for obvious reasons, I'll keep things not too identifying here.

I had a few observations that I figured I'd write about. Nothing earth shattering or anything, but interesting stuff (to me.)

How NOT to be a white ally (and how to be one too.)

[Content note: police brutality, racism.]

Last Thursday, I attended the Austin gathering for NMOS14. Overall, it was an extremely powerful event. After the national moment of silence, the names of local victims of police brutality were listed. Family members, like those of Larry Jackson, spoke about their experiences. Local organizers called us to action and shared what we can do. Black people of all ages shared their experiences living in a world where they could be shot by supposed authorities simply for existing.

One woman, A'Driane Nieves, shared about a piece she wrote over a year go called, "America's Not Here For Us" and the experience of raising black and brown children. She commented how the American systems see these children as expendable.

From the crowd, an angry white guy yelled, "We're all expendable to them!"

When Feminism Perpetuates Bigotry

I'm back! My trip was lovely and I'm ready to return to my routine.

I've been thinking about the many imperfections of feminism, and how the term and movement mean so many different things to different people. I think the longer it exists as an activist identity, the more "feminism" is disjointed. We're to a point where it's incredibly hard to really understand what any one person means when they say, "I'm a feminist." That sentence itself is somewhat empty to me anymore. I need further discussion to really understand what someone claiming the identify even thinks or feels.

At its core, I'm talking about intersectionality and how we approach and handle feminists that perpetuate other forms of bigotry.

When friendships end

This is not necessarily the most on topic for a feminist blog, but I think that it falls under the "life" category of what I write about, so you can forgive me.

Plus I do what I want.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the topic of when friendships end and the other day I finally got a sign that I wanted to write about it. Ronald and I are just starting to watch Seinfeld all the way through chronologically and one of the very first episodes deals with this subject. Jerry is out to dinner with a childhood friend, Joel, who he doesn't really like anymore (for example, Joel is extremely rude to a waitress.) Jerry tries to "break up" with Joel like one might in a romantic relationship and Joel is reduced to a sobbing mess. It's a pretty extreme example, but it became my motivation to officially put my thoughts about this down on paper (on screen?)

You don't owe anyone a debate

I'm big on self care.

Probably because I work with a lot of social workers and I am reminded of the concept continuously.

At first it sounded a little "touchy-feely" and weird to me. But the more I grow, the more I know that in order to do good work, to keep up on personal activism, and to affect positive social change, self care is a must. There's just too many negative experiences you will have in this realm to NOT engage in self care along the way. With out it, you will burn out. WITH it sometimes you'll still burn out. (Which is why I take periodic breaks from Tumblr.)

Part of self care is 1) knowing that you NEVER owe anyone else a debate and 2) not engaging in one when you don't want to or just can't.

On learning

After some HORRIBLE interactions online last week, things have been much quieter for me. Which is really lovely. It helps that I also unplugged this past weekend and enjoyed hanging out with family from out of town, including my adorable 2 year old niece.

With all this good stuff as the stage for me to get back to normal life on Monday, I was in a place to reflect on a few things. One topic in particular came to mind...I began thinking about how when I strip away all of the bullshit that is dealing with harassers and trolls online, I really appreciate how much I learn by doing what I do.

And I began to ponder the actual feeling of learning something new and how great it can be, if you let it.

One of the biggest lies that anti-feminists tell about us is that we only listen to people who think like us, who share our identities, etc. The truth is that I actively try to learn from others and I follow and read a TON of diverse social justice oriented people. (But they ARE right in that I don't read anything from folks who are actively trying to oppress others, because I don't have time or patience for that, nor will I learn anything from them. The kyriarchy already taught me those lessons.)

So through the reading I do online, I am regularly faced with my own biases and misconceptions. And when I read something that doesn't mesh with what I had been thinking, there is a pretty distinct feeling.

It's an initial "WHAT?" and then a "wait..." and then an "ooooooh."

This process is so important for me. It's how I have learned to begin the lifelong process of unpacking the knapsacks of my own privilege. It's how I have learned to stop hating myself, embrace fat acceptance, and reject healthism. It's how I have learned to focus on the intersections. It's how I have learned to stop judging other women.

I think too often people stop at the "WHAT?" and react negatively to the rub of cognitive dissonance. Instead of taking a moment to even consider that what they've always thought might not be the way it is...they react defensively, double back on their own view, and shut down. It's very easy to do.

Of course, I'm not perfect and it's still a process to be open and learn when I'm given the chance. But if you're not even at least receptive to the opportunity to listen to others, how will you ever know anything other than your own perspective?


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White feminism's continued failures: A short case study

Last night I went to a local event hosted by KUT: Views and Brews, which covers all kinds of topics. I was interested because this one was called "The Future of the F Word: Feminism." Of course, I was pretty jazzed to check it out.

Unfortunately, I was epically disappointed.

It's not that the discussion was horrible (there were a few "Huh?" moments.) It's not that I didn't like the panelists generally--there were some really great anecdotes shared.

It was the glaring lack of intersectionality.

From the moment I walked into the room and looked on stage, I was disappointed. 5 white, cis, able-bodied women sitting around discussing feminism? Really? It was almost laughable from the start how much of a glaring problem that was. (And the discussion revealed that they all are economically privileged as well. I believe one of them identified as queer.)

During the audience Q&A section someone asked about intersectionality specifically, but it ended up as a missed opportunity to call this out. One of the panelists extolled the virtues of inclusion and the common goals of other anti-oppression movements, but no one ever said what I wanted them to say (which would have been something like, "I'm really disappointed that no women of color are on this panel.") And there was the fact that the moderator (arguably the worst part) only asked leading question that included such cringe worthy gems as, "What do you think about Beyonce claiming feminism while simultaneously repackaging female objectification and selling it back to women?"

It was an undeniable example of how white feminism continues to perpetuate its failures. We MUST change this. We MUST actively work against feminism contributing to other oppression, silencing, and marginalization. If I had been asked to sit on that panel, I hope I would have asked if diverse views were present, and if I learned they weren't, I hope I would have declined the invite and suggested they ask someone who doesn't share my same background.

I can't help but think how much more enlightening, educational, and rich the discussion would have been with some women who came at social justice topics from very different perspectives.

To be frank, the future of feminism presented last night is one that I'm not interested in at all and I 100% understand why women of color, trans women, and other women would feel marginalized by this movement as a whole. Totally disappointing.

Fellow white cis women: do better.

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Still working on this "body positivity" thing

[Content note: mentions of weight, body shame]

It's no secret that I embrace body positivity and denounce fatphobia. Two seconds on this blog will reveal that much. But as with unlearning any of the dangerous messages that society transmits, even when we try our best, it takes time and there's a LOT of back sliding.

The biggest way that I know that internalized fatphobia still has an effect on my mind is how I view my own normal body fluctuations. I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn in a few months and they're loose: I feel happy/excited. I put on a dress I haven't worn in over a year and it's snug: I feel gross/ashamed/sad.

I look out into the world and can appreciate all the other lovely fat ladies I see. I can teach body positive workshops and lessons to others. I can write blog after blog post about the negative effects of healthism, fatphobia, and body shaming...but when push comes to shove, the hardest battle I will ever fight on this front is inside my own head. Just like unlearning racism, sexism, transphobia, homphobia, ableism, etc...the wider societal messages fight against my personal process every day.

So many times I feel disgusting and ashamed.

But I am thankful that I do know that this is all a process. I'm getting better at forgiving myself when I do slide back into old views that thinner=better. I can let the thought exist in my mind for a moment and then push it to the side. Beating up myself about it won't solve anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this reminder that no matter how far you evolve in your journey to self-acceptance and body positivity, it will probably always be a work in progress. And that's ok.


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When your frame of reference is flawed/Supporting someone who's being abused

[Content note: abuse]

I was having a conversation the other day and I stumbled onto a topic that I've thought about and talked around before, but never really dwelled in for a second.

When you come from an abusive background, your frame of reference for relationships is quite often very, deeply flawed. It's simple for others to see, even when you can't.

I know that I've probably just stated the obvious and people cover this all the time, but it's so true that I need to reiterate it.

Privilege is...

Thought about a microcosm of privilege recently...privilege is posting incredibly bigoted, often violent, comments on public social media under your full name and not even thinking twice about it.

When I started blogging more seriously a few years ago, I made the decision to not write under my legal name. I was concerned that my personal opinions could come to affect my professional success or the reputation of the nonprofit I work for. As I say in my about me section: as someone whose livelihood depends on the generosity of others (individual donors, government grants, corporations, foundations, etc.) I do not ever want my personal opinions to be seen as representative of my professional affiliations. I don't feel that my writing is particularly controversial, but you never know what others might think, and I want to minimize any confusion between the personal and professional spheres of my life. 

A couple of recent interactions I had online with some raging bigots made me think about this and how sad it makes me. All that my writing really amounts to is advocating for oppressed people, bodily autonomy, and the end of rape culture...but I'm worried that these things are somehow controversial...really?? On the other hand, we have people throwing around all kinds of slurs, threats, etc. under their full names and not batting an eye. They probably know that society generally affirms their views and there will be little consequence for their actions (unless they hold some kind of public office or something, and even then who knows?)

Now, I realize that many of these people might just not be as generally cautious as I am, but I'm certainly not the only feminist/social justice blogger, tweeter, tumblr, who writes under a pseudonym or just first name. The concern is I have is shared by many. (And I'm privileged in that my only worries center on professional damage and not actual bodily harm like the threats I've seen slung at many trans women and women of color.)

So yeah, privilege is feeling free to write under your "real" name. 


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Stick Your Dictionary Up Your...

[Content note: flashing gif below the cut.]

I am so incredibly sick of people who think that textbook definitions of concepts like "sexism" and "equality" are relevant to nuanced discussions of kyriarchy.

Specifically, I'm talking about the frequent messages I receive that say things like "You aren't for real equality, you're for special treatment!" or "It goes both ways!" or "Why do you put men down? I thought feminism was about equality!" (Side note, I don't even ever put men down...so what?)

And then there is the very verbal crowd of MRAs out there who bemoan "misandry" without understanding that every single piece of evidence they site to "prove" it actually comes from and is perpetuated by other men.

Gender Neutral Language Modifications

I write a ton about language, because I feel strongly that the words we use both influence and are influenced by our reality. In other words, language is important.

I love words. I love writing. I love vocabulary. I love crafting an argument...but beyond that I am someone who would never bemoan "political correctness" or accuse someone of being the "PC police." If you can afford someone a modicum of respect by simply shifting a few words, why wouldn't you?

So in this realm, I'm almost always thinking about how the words I use can be more inclusive. Lately, one thing in particular has been bugging me, as I quickly mused in a post on Tumblr last night:

I’ve become really attuned to unnecessarily gendered language lately like, “access to abortion is so important for women.” Or a commercial I saw recently about factory work appreciation (I can’t for the life of me remember the product but) the sentence it ended with was something like “in appreciation of hard working American men and women.” 

Why can’t we just say “access to abortion is so important” or “in appreciation of hard working Americans.” First and foremost above all, these options are more inclusive to trans and non binary people, but also the alternatives I suggested just sound like stronger statements to me. So, like, be more efficient AND include everyone all at the same time. Why not? 

Almost every time I hear someone say a sentence that includes "men and women" I find myself wondering, WHY? It's such a long way of saying people, and since people, as a word exists and it runs little risk of bugging anyone, why not just go with that? For the same reasoning, I love terms like police officer, fire fighter, mail carrier, etc.

I would encourage everyone to think about this for a while and try to move away from describing groups with any unnecessarily gendered terminology. As I've mentioned numerous times before, feminism is one of the biggest offenders of this when we constantly frame reproductive/family planning services as necessary for women and thereby erase people who need these things and don't ID as female.

The false gender binary is taught from an early age, especially in how we describe and work with students in classrooms. As someone who was a substitute for a while, I had to conform to the structure the teachers had in place for their kids. In elementaries that was almost always walking in two lines in the hallway, one line of boys and one line of girls. I couldn't control that, but I could refrain from saying "boys and girls!" when I called them to attention. It was a small, easy shift to something totally neutral like, "I need everyone's eyes on me." Teachers could and should think about the implicit messages sent. Hallway lines can be arranged by last name instead of gender. Students can be called students, kids, everybody, etc. without reference to the false binary.

Again, these are small things...micro shifts that, if enough people think about them can, over time, reshape how we view and approach things.

Just some mid week musings.

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Self Care and Resources for Getting Through the Holidays

[Image text, a little green robot saying, "Annual reminder: The holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Please check on your friends." Source.]

As I've written numerous times before, I completely understand that the holiday season can be just as rough as it is wonderful. (And often times, more rough than it is wonderful.) So I've gathered some resources that I think are helpful, some written by yours truly.

• Fat shame free holiday gatherings (I wrote 10 tips related to Thanksgiving, but they're actually applicable for holiday gatherings in general.)
• Family Stress and Imperfect Holidays (In which I remind you there's nothing wrong with you if you're not having a perfect holiday season.)
• Rethinking New Year's Resolutions (My fat shame free resolution primer.)
• READ THIS IF YOUR HOLIDAY SUCKS AND YOUR FAMILY STRESSES YOU OUT (from a Tumblr user to everyone who feels this way.)
• The Femisting Guide to Surviving the Holidays (Really comprehensive guide from the Feministing crew.)
• How to deal with your relatives' holiday harassment (Jill Filipovic has some advice on the topic in a video.)
• Talking Turkey: Eight Easy Steps for Discussing Reproductive Health and Justice at the Holiday Table (which I think has some good applications for other sensitive topics too.)
• 5 Ways to Handle a Racist Relative (simple, straightforward starting place.)
• 6 Ways to Survive Food and the Holidays (food and self care at the holidays.)
• Being proactive (instead of reactive, my general life philosophy...which I think can be extra helpful during the holidays.)
• Self care is not selfish (Zerlina Maxwell's run down on self-care for RH Reality Check.)
• Surviving the Holidays as Queer People of Color: Give the Gift of Media (advice from Spectra Speaks.)
• How to Survive and Enjoy the Holidays (Very light, but positive-focused tips.)
• Avoiding Burnout with Authenticity and Boundaries (three concrete tips.)
• How to handle family stress during the holidays (two basic concepts from Stanford and health psychologist Kelly McGonigal.)
• The Radical Self Love blog has an on-going list. 
• 6 Research Backed Tricks that Will Help You Have a Happier Holiday (pretty surface level, but also important.)
• 20 Things to Let Go of Before the New Year.

Above all, please take care of yourself and respect when others need to take care too. Self care looks like different things to each person. For example, a gathering that might sound like a ton of fun to you might be too much for a friend or loved one. It's ok if they don't go. It's not only about setting your own boundaries...it's also respecting others'.

Don't forget to check in on yourself, too. Sometimes we get so caught up in going and going and going that we don't even realize we need a moment of self care. Last week I was reading the last link from the list above in bed. I just randomly happened upon it on Facebook and found it to be pretty obvious stuff. Then I came across #9 "Let go of being the 'go-to person' for everyone, all the time..." I needed to read that. I didn't know I needed to read it until I saw it and let the words wash over me. It had been a rough few days at work and I just let myself sit on that phrase for a few minutes, soaking in the concept, took some deep breaths and felt better just by doing that. The phrase stuck with me for the next few days of work and just by setting the intention to stop being the "go-to person" I had a happier, less stressful time.

Sometimes self care can be as simple as that, but if we don't take second to check in on ourselves, we'll completely miss those needed moments of peace until it's all built up and we are drowning under stress, anxiety, sadness, etc.

We can't change our families and the other people we spend time around over the holidays...but we can set boundaries and try to create spaces and situations that feel safer and happier for us. And when/if that fails, we can love ourselves and show ourselves and others compassion. (And yes, sometimes that means no going places or seeing people, even if we are excepted to.)

As always for this time of year, blogging will be sparse and sporadic until early January. If you celebrate, I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And a safe, healthy, and Happy New Year to everyone.

Take care.

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Inside Inside Llewyn Davis

[Content note: Mild spoilers for Inside Llewyn Davis]

I like the Coen Brothers. They are, in fact, the only filmmakers I ever took a college level class about, and in my explorations of their material, I enjoyed quite a few of the female characters they brought to life, like Margie in Fargo or Ed in Raising Arizona. They're not prefect and their material is generally pretty dude-centric, but I enjoy their stuff.

And from a strictly good filmmaking perspective, they're near damn perfection.

So when I started seeing trailers for Inside Llewyn Davis, I was excited to see it. Overall, the film is a sad, important, and simple portrait of the titular character, and his struggles being a homeless folk singer in Greenwich Village in the early 60's.

But something was bothering me about the women in it and I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

An Observation

So many of the people who come here or to my Tumblr to attack me for my views/work/words also try to tell me that I'm doing activism wrong. They go down the whole path of "If you care so much, why aren't you doing something REAL?" or "This is not the way to make positive change." or "When you freak out over small stuff like this, people won't listen to you about the real issues."

Aside from the fact that they know nothing about my daily life, that they have a misguided notion of "realness," and that they are employing silencing tactics, it's interesting to me that they think I would ever take their criticisms seriously. These are the very same people who in one breath tell me I'm wrong and hate the fact that I'm an outspoken intersectional feminist, but in the next act like they're offering advice on how to do activism better?

Seriously?

I mean, look at it this way, let's say you and I each own businesses. I'm a megacorporation. You have a small family owned business offering similar goods. If you start to cut into my market share, my first tactic might be to launch an ad campaign designed to make your products look inferior, to undercut your prices, or to insult your customer service skills. If I then drop by your store and try to offer you business advice, pal-to-pal, are you going to take it seriously? Hell no! You just learned that my number one goal is to squash you, so you'd tell me to fuck off.

The same goes for any of these people who try to offer "helpful" advice about how I run my blogs. When they come in defending racists/sexists/homophobes, etc...why would I EVER want to listen to their thoughts about how I should do things? The fact of the matter is that their only goal would be to make bigots more comfortable with my feminism...and that's not why I do this. When I take constructive criticism, it will be from other activists, thank you very much.

But it's very interesting to me to observe this two pronged approach they take prong one being "I hate what you do!" and prong two being, "Here's how you can do it better." It's no mistake that they try both...they want to dismantle my work in any way they possibly can. Some people are that invested in kyriarchy.

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Always Needing More

So I'm watching the live stream of the "Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can Choose" fundraiser to support abortion access organizations here in Texas, given the dire situation of our laws. It's an interesting thing...activists in New York, led by Sarah Silverman and Lizz Winstead, are holding an online telethon for us (Texans.) It's kinda great because, let's be real, many of us here in the Lone Star state working on this issue are fatigued--emotionally, financially, and physically, and we need the help and support. (Especially the support from celebrities who can draw a lot of attention.) And it's nice that it's not totally framed in a condescending "ew, we hate ass-backwards Texas" way...it feels like a fairly genuine gesture of friendship and goodwill and that's awesome.

BUT.

On the other hand, I'm just watching all this and cringing so hard.

As as intersectional feminist, I am really, deeply disturbed by ALL the ableist and cissexist language. There's all kinds of "crazy"-s being thrown around. And the whole night has been framed as for Texas WOMEN, down to the hashtag, #TexasWomenForever. It's a lot of the same issues that the original coalition this summer faced.

Let's be clear about it: when we feminists play by the same exclusive terms as the patriarchy, our work is incomplete and perpetuates oppression. 

When I mention these things, I'm often met with a lot of hostility from other feminists. I'm told that I should be thankful for the progress that is being made and that I should accept the "at leasts." At least they're doing something. At least they're trying. At least their hearts are in the right place...and while all that might be true...I can't help it, I DO need more.

I need a reproductive rights movement that acknowledges that trans* and non-binary people exist and access these services too. I need language which doesn't shame, stigmatize, OR erase anyone. I can offer that feedback and demand better while still expressing thanks and appreciating the spirit of this event and its fundraising successes, right? I mean, if even just one person hears my "complaining" and modifies their language to be more inclusive, that's a win, right?

So sorry, not sorry. I will always need more from mainstream feminism. No one's perfect. It's OK to ask more of each other.

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Privilege Derails

You know what is incredibly annoying to me?

Well lots of things, obviously, but right now it's when a privileged person feels the need to derail an entire conversation to cater to their feelings/experience. Let me give you a few examples.

Women are talking about the stigma/victim blaming placed on rape survivors--a dude chimes in with, "Well men are raped too!"

A person of color is talking about racist hiring practices, and a white woman offers, "Oh, yeah, I've been discriminated against during an interview."

A fat woman is talking about the pressure to be thin and a thin woman counters, "As women, we all face body shaming and the pressure to be perfect!"

A trans woman expresses a fear of the threat of transphobic violence and a cis woman offers, "But all women feel unsafe in the street."

In each case, there is nothing factually incorrect about any of the second statements. The problem is that they are delivered in a time/place/manner which derails the current conversation and makes it all about a privileged person's experience. You commonly hear this compliant when feminists will make fun of guy who drops into a discussion with some variant on "what about the menz?" But let me be clear, it is NOT just men who do this.

There is nothing wrong with discussing male rape victims, general discrimination in hiring, body shaming, or fear of violence. There is absolutely something wrong with hijacking a discussion to turn the focus back on a privileged group and thereby silence the original speakers.

I get that the only frame of reference that we truly understand is our own and there is a lot of temptation to bring things continuously back to our personal experiences. But the fact of the matter is that not everything needs to be about you, at any given moment. There is a LOT of value in shutting the hell up for a moment and listening and learning, especially when the original context of the discussion had nothing to do with you.

I thought I would keep writing and explain more about this topic (like how I see these derails as much from within the feminist community as I do from outside) but I don't think there's much more I can say. Except maybe to reiterate to my fellow feminists that we MUST be aware of intersectionality as we navigate our spaces. As I said on Tumblr the other day:

If your primary concern with feminism as a straight, white, thin, able bodied, cis woman is, “how do I make the movement more accommodating to me?” let me just show you the door right now.

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