[Content note: sexual assault, rape]
This election cycle is such a shit show that I haven't wasted much of my very scarce and precious time commenting on it.
It, literally and figuratively, has made me want to puke. Proud racist, sexist, xenophobic, islamophobic, and (likely) rapist, Donald Trump has consumed the headlines. By now everyone is well aware of the disgusting content of a tape from 2005 where he was talking flippantly about sexually assaulting women. Numerous accusers have emerged.
None of this is news to you, I'm sure.
I want to briefly speak to one small part of it. You see, I was just watching the "Not OK" video about this all, in which various women and girls share about their own experiences of sexual assault and harassment. I immediately related to them, thinking specifically about some really scary incidents of unwelcome groping in high school and terrifying comments by grown men in public when I was as young as 12. Memories that, despite my line of work and my general knowledge/empowerment in this area, I have tried to deeply suppress into the recesses of my mind.
Then I found myself treading into some new shitty thoughts, "If I talk about these experiences, people will think I'm making it up because no one would do that to me, I'm not pretty enough."
Rape culture is a hell of a drug.
Here I am, speaking out against this type of mentality all the time, but I apply it to myself. You see, the rape culture tells lots of lies, one of which being that fat/conventionally unattractive women should be thankful if someone has "interest" in us or that you "can't" be raped if you're fat or whatever. (See a great piece at Black Girl Dangerous about this.)
In fact, as I was having this thought, I remembered that Trump has his own fucked up take on this line of reasoning. He actually said: "She wouldn't be my first choice" about one of his accusers. That's right, y'all...a nominee of a major American political party for president essentially said, "I'd be a rapist if the girl's hot enough."
I know, I know, this mentality is disgusting and here I was thinking it myself.
Ah well, all it proves is that 1) YES the rape culture is still alive and well 2) Trump is a disgusting piece of shit and 3) I'm still on that journey to self acceptance. Lots of things we already knew.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
A microaggression
[Content note: rape "joke", rape culture.]
Originally shared on my Tumblr.
Little story for y’all.
I work for a wonderful feminist nonprofit. It often creates a bubble for me; one that when I wander out of it, can be a little jarring. But it’s so lovely when I’m in it.
I wandered out of that bubble today, by accident.
Our organization offices in a large office building with lots of male dominated companies (we appear to be one of the few tenants with a majority of female employees.) Today when I was heading out for an afternoon meeting the elevator stopped on the floor below ours…the floor known for almost all dude employees. 3 such dudes were waiting for the elevator…the kind of dudes who are “grown up” (loosely used here) fraternity bros. The kind of white dudes who reek of privilege and entitlement. But I digress.
Apparently one of the 3, when the elevator doors opened, was hamming it up for the other 2, facing them, not the elevator doors. So when the elevator dings and the doors open, he continued telling his story to them, walking in the elevator backward, almost right into me. So move back as far as I can and then I held my hand out to stop him from fully plowing me over in the elevator. He realized, apologized, and his fellow bros give him a hard time about not paying attention, seeming like a creep, etc.
In his apologies and their mocking him, the two who didn’t run into me somehow got into a “”””JOKE”””” of:
“You’ll have to excuse him, he’s the kind of guy who beckons to kids from a white panel van with candy.”
“Yeah, he’s the kind of guy you have to watch your drink around.”
WHAT?
Luckily, it was a quick elevator ride so I was able to get the fuck out of there. But liiiiiiike what kind of douche do you have to be to make a “’’’’joke’’’’’ like that to some random woman who is ALONE with 3 weirdo dudes in an elevator who has already been cramped into the corner by them…?
I can’t.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Originally shared on my Tumblr.
Little story for y’all.
I work for a wonderful feminist nonprofit. It often creates a bubble for me; one that when I wander out of it, can be a little jarring. But it’s so lovely when I’m in it.
I wandered out of that bubble today, by accident.
Our organization offices in a large office building with lots of male dominated companies (we appear to be one of the few tenants with a majority of female employees.) Today when I was heading out for an afternoon meeting the elevator stopped on the floor below ours…the floor known for almost all dude employees. 3 such dudes were waiting for the elevator…the kind of dudes who are “grown up” (loosely used here) fraternity bros. The kind of white dudes who reek of privilege and entitlement. But I digress.
Apparently one of the 3, when the elevator doors opened, was hamming it up for the other 2, facing them, not the elevator doors. So when the elevator dings and the doors open, he continued telling his story to them, walking in the elevator backward, almost right into me. So move back as far as I can and then I held my hand out to stop him from fully plowing me over in the elevator. He realized, apologized, and his fellow bros give him a hard time about not paying attention, seeming like a creep, etc.
In his apologies and their mocking him, the two who didn’t run into me somehow got into a “”””JOKE”””” of:
“You’ll have to excuse him, he’s the kind of guy who beckons to kids from a white panel van with candy.”
“Yeah, he’s the kind of guy you have to watch your drink around.”
WHAT?
Luckily, it was a quick elevator ride so I was able to get the fuck out of there. But liiiiiiike what kind of douche do you have to be to make a “’’’’joke’’’’’ like that to some random woman who is ALONE with 3 weirdo dudes in an elevator who has already been cramped into the corner by them…?
I can’t.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
A quick note on Kesha and rape culture
[Content note: rape, abuse]
I don't have the wherewithal or knowledge to write about this in detail, and lord knows that many, many people are doing the topic far more justice than I could...but let me not go without saying my support of Kesha in her legal battle against Dr. Luke and Sony.
I've read a ton on the case, but mostly from opinion pieces, so I can't say I have a full picture of it all. However, when a Facebook friend posted a status yesterday asking how we can be sure that the allegations against Dr. Luke are correct, I couldn't help but pipe up.
My reply was this counter question: How can someone EVER gather "concrete proof" that they were raped/abuse/controlled over a number of years by someone very close to them? I think about my own past of abuse and I have literally no way to prove or show it. My memories and the internal scars I carry are all there is.
As was recently suggested to me over on Tumblr, "rape culture thrives on the premise that absence of evidence is evidence of absence."
It's so true.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
I don't have the wherewithal or knowledge to write about this in detail, and lord knows that many, many people are doing the topic far more justice than I could...but let me not go without saying my support of Kesha in her legal battle against Dr. Luke and Sony.
I've read a ton on the case, but mostly from opinion pieces, so I can't say I have a full picture of it all. However, when a Facebook friend posted a status yesterday asking how we can be sure that the allegations against Dr. Luke are correct, I couldn't help but pipe up.
My reply was this counter question: How can someone EVER gather "concrete proof" that they were raped/abuse/controlled over a number of years by someone very close to them? I think about my own past of abuse and I have literally no way to prove or show it. My memories and the internal scars I carry are all there is.
As was recently suggested to me over on Tumblr, "rape culture thrives on the premise that absence of evidence is evidence of absence."
It's so true.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Monday, October 5, 2015
That gross feeling when...
[Content note: rape culture]
I've written about rape culture ad nauseam, but every now and then one of its artifacts pops up and takes me by surprise.
Well, maybe not "surprise," but "disgust," at least.
Last week I had free tickets to Sicario, Emily Blunt's latest starring role. It's a rather grim film about the government's work against drug cartels on the boarder. It's also one of the more violent things I've watched recently...but that's not why I'm writing. All I knew about Sicario going into it is that there had been some rumblings about how Blunt's character was almost rewritten to be a man. So my interest was mildly piqued. I kept looking for some interesting gender dynamic, but nothing really emerged that was of much interest to me anyway.
But then came the moment that stuck with me. It was something so "small" but is truly my take away, and it has very little to do with the actual film and a whole lot to do with the audience and our society. In one scene, Blunt's (male) partner, played by Daniel Kaluuya, was being subdued by a Navy Seal and the Seal says something along the lines of, "Just lie back and take it baby."
Then half the audience laughed.
It sent a gross chill down my spine and Ronald immediately looked at me and temporarily broke his "never, ever speak in the Alamo Drafthouse" rule to say, "That's not fucking funny..." with a concerned/confused look.
And the thing is, it wasn't funny. Not only because it's a disgusting reference to rape, but also because, as mentioned, this movie is GRIM. It's not one of those serious flicks with a periodic laugh to break the tension. I mean, I think there was maaaaybe one other light, slightly humorous moment where Kaluuya pokes fun at Blunt's character for her bra, but that's it.
My point is that even against the current emotional place this film puts you in, many people still chuckled at an allusion to rape. That's how strong rape culture is. That's how lightly we take it.
(And it's not lost on me that Kaluuya is the film's only prominent black character, too.)
Just to be clear--I don't even know if I'm calling out this film itself for that line, necessarily. In the context of the moment and the characters present, it's not unrealistic that one of those digesting men would have said something disturbing. Blunt and Kaluuya are outsiders in the world they're dropped in, and they're frequently unnerved by what the other characters are doing. It's not like these are "nice" people. They're actively abusing their power throughout the time. So maybe this moment was not written as a punch line.
But the audience thought it was chuckle worthy, regardless.
It still makes me kinda sick thinking about it. And like I said, this is a "small" thing. A throw away moment. Probably didn't stand out to or strike many other people. But to me, it's just another of the thousands of sad, daily examples our rape culture.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
I've written about rape culture ad nauseam, but every now and then one of its artifacts pops up and takes me by surprise.
Well, maybe not "surprise," but "disgust," at least.
Last week I had free tickets to Sicario, Emily Blunt's latest starring role. It's a rather grim film about the government's work against drug cartels on the boarder. It's also one of the more violent things I've watched recently...but that's not why I'm writing. All I knew about Sicario going into it is that there had been some rumblings about how Blunt's character was almost rewritten to be a man. So my interest was mildly piqued. I kept looking for some interesting gender dynamic, but nothing really emerged that was of much interest to me anyway.
But then came the moment that stuck with me. It was something so "small" but is truly my take away, and it has very little to do with the actual film and a whole lot to do with the audience and our society. In one scene, Blunt's (male) partner, played by Daniel Kaluuya, was being subdued by a Navy Seal and the Seal says something along the lines of, "Just lie back and take it baby."
Then half the audience laughed.
It sent a gross chill down my spine and Ronald immediately looked at me and temporarily broke his "never, ever speak in the Alamo Drafthouse" rule to say, "That's not fucking funny..." with a concerned/confused look.
And the thing is, it wasn't funny. Not only because it's a disgusting reference to rape, but also because, as mentioned, this movie is GRIM. It's not one of those serious flicks with a periodic laugh to break the tension. I mean, I think there was maaaaybe one other light, slightly humorous moment where Kaluuya pokes fun at Blunt's character for her bra, but that's it.
My point is that even against the current emotional place this film puts you in, many people still chuckled at an allusion to rape. That's how strong rape culture is. That's how lightly we take it.
(And it's not lost on me that Kaluuya is the film's only prominent black character, too.)
Just to be clear--I don't even know if I'm calling out this film itself for that line, necessarily. In the context of the moment and the characters present, it's not unrealistic that one of those digesting men would have said something disturbing. Blunt and Kaluuya are outsiders in the world they're dropped in, and they're frequently unnerved by what the other characters are doing. It's not like these are "nice" people. They're actively abusing their power throughout the time. So maybe this moment was not written as a punch line.
But the audience thought it was chuckle worthy, regardless.
It still makes me kinda sick thinking about it. And like I said, this is a "small" thing. A throw away moment. Probably didn't stand out to or strike many other people. But to me, it's just another of the thousands of sad, daily examples our rape culture.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
The Empty Chair and My Life
[Content note: rape, rape culture, abuse, victim blaming]
A few days ago, the latest cover of New York Magazine sparked a lot of discussion. It depicted 35 of Bill Cosby's rape victims seated, with an empty chair at the end to symbolize the 11 other known victims, but also the women all around us who are survivors of sexual assault.
#TheEmptyChair was a following discussion on Twitter, that was both chilling and unsurprising. As a woman, I am all too aware of the prevalence of rape. I mean, I can throw all kind of statistics at you, but none of that is as real to me as the stories that I know from my own friends and family. Hearing that a sexual assault happens every 107 seconds in the US or that 1 in 6 American women are survivors (a conservative figure) means very little compared to the deeply personal stories shared to me by those I love most. But these statistics are important because, still in the face of all the evidence, our rape culture continuously shames, silence, and blames survivors and victims.
A few days ago, the latest cover of New York Magazine sparked a lot of discussion. It depicted 35 of Bill Cosby's rape victims seated, with an empty chair at the end to symbolize the 11 other known victims, but also the women all around us who are survivors of sexual assault.
#TheEmptyChair was a following discussion on Twitter, that was both chilling and unsurprising. As a woman, I am all too aware of the prevalence of rape. I mean, I can throw all kind of statistics at you, but none of that is as real to me as the stories that I know from my own friends and family. Hearing that a sexual assault happens every 107 seconds in the US or that 1 in 6 American women are survivors (a conservative figure) means very little compared to the deeply personal stories shared to me by those I love most. But these statistics are important because, still in the face of all the evidence, our rape culture continuously shames, silence, and blames survivors and victims.
Monday, July 6, 2015
When You've Got a Case of the Rape Apologism
[Content note: rape, rape apologism]
Whelp, another month has somehow managed to slip by. I can't even say that I've been too busy to write or anything, because I have been taking some days off work here and there to staycation. But relieving myself of the needless imposed feeling that I MUST produce content has been pretty damn great, I must admit, and thusly the content has been sparse and I'm much happier regardless.
Anyway, I'm not here to revel in my decision to write less. I'm here to talk about a disgusting rapist/rape apologist who I got this lovely gem of a comment from in my inbox today.
That's right folks, you saw it here first. "King Steve" thinks that asking people to seek consent is like "contracts." (And I have genuinely no idea what is meant by "methodical/mechanical consent.")
Let me make it immensely clear, if someone say something like this, they are in all likelihood a rapist. I mean this very sincerely--who but a rapist would be opposed to consent...or try to say that issues of consent are as complicated as "contracts?" What motivation does anyone other than a rapist have to think like this? Why would anyone other than a rapist want to say, "Enthusiastic consent is ridiculous."
When you say something like this, you are sending a message out into the world that you cannot be trusted to respect the feelings or bodily autonomy of others. You are saying you are incapable of do something as simple as speaking to your partner. What might seem to someone like "King Steve" to be an offhanded comment about how "you need a law degree to understand this stuff" (or what-the-fuck-ever is meant by this) is more plainly understood by me as, "I don't care about consent."
No really.
Stop for a minute and think about this. And now try to tell me why someone who is a good person, generally cares about others, and is respectful of all boundaries would EVER engage in rape apologism like this. What would possibly be the reason, if not trying to justify their own bad behavior?
I'm waiting.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Whelp, another month has somehow managed to slip by. I can't even say that I've been too busy to write or anything, because I have been taking some days off work here and there to staycation. But relieving myself of the needless imposed feeling that I MUST produce content has been pretty damn great, I must admit, and thusly the content has been sparse and I'm much happier regardless.
Anyway, I'm not here to revel in my decision to write less. I'm here to talk about a disgusting rapist/rape apologist who I got this lovely gem of a comment from in my inbox today.
Let me make it immensely clear, if someone say something like this, they are in all likelihood a rapist. I mean this very sincerely--who but a rapist would be opposed to consent...or try to say that issues of consent are as complicated as "contracts?" What motivation does anyone other than a rapist have to think like this? Why would anyone other than a rapist want to say, "Enthusiastic consent is ridiculous."
When you say something like this, you are sending a message out into the world that you cannot be trusted to respect the feelings or bodily autonomy of others. You are saying you are incapable of do something as simple as speaking to your partner. What might seem to someone like "King Steve" to be an offhanded comment about how "you need a law degree to understand this stuff" (or what-the-fuck-ever is meant by this) is more plainly understood by me as, "I don't care about consent."
No really.
Stop for a minute and think about this. And now try to tell me why someone who is a good person, generally cares about others, and is respectful of all boundaries would EVER engage in rape apologism like this. What would possibly be the reason, if not trying to justify their own bad behavior?
I'm waiting.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Rape Culture Watch: Shia LaBeouf Edition
[Content note: Rape culture]
As has been well circulated, Shia LaBeouf recently said during an interview with Dazed that he was raped during an infamous performance piece.
The following response has been disgusting as usual, with disbelief and shame, particularly from perennial asshat, Piers Morgan. Even some of the less insidious comments I've seen sickened me. On one comment string on Facebook, someone posited, "Of course men can be raped too--they have anuses." (As if this is the only way someone with a penis could be raped. Missing the point, hard, there.)
Any time someone comes forward with their story like this, and is inevitably shamed, mocked, and disbelieved. So I wonder (again and again and again) why rape apologists think someone would make this stuff up? What does someone stand to gain from make a "false accusation" except scorn and hatred?
Take the usual "high profile" rape case, which involves an accusation made against a famous man by a woman or many women. In this situation, rape apologists say that the woman is trying to get his money, or whatever misogynistic garbage they can dig up...which made me wonder: why do they think Shia LaBeouf who is, himself, a rich dude, would make this up?
Well if Morgan and his ilk are to be believed, the reason is attention. Cue head explosion. Rape apologists have a dismissal for every person, every story, every time.
All of this negative energy around victims' stories like this--the shame and disbelief-- only serve to do one thing: continue to make it less and less likely that victims feel comfortable speaking out.
And it's fucking bullshit.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
As has been well circulated, Shia LaBeouf recently said during an interview with Dazed that he was raped during an infamous performance piece.
The following response has been disgusting as usual, with disbelief and shame, particularly from perennial asshat, Piers Morgan. Even some of the less insidious comments I've seen sickened me. On one comment string on Facebook, someone posited, "Of course men can be raped too--they have anuses." (As if this is the only way someone with a penis could be raped. Missing the point, hard, there.)
Any time someone comes forward with their story like this, and is inevitably shamed, mocked, and disbelieved. So I wonder (again and again and again) why rape apologists think someone would make this stuff up? What does someone stand to gain from make a "false accusation" except scorn and hatred?
Take the usual "high profile" rape case, which involves an accusation made against a famous man by a woman or many women. In this situation, rape apologists say that the woman is trying to get his money, or whatever misogynistic garbage they can dig up...which made me wonder: why do they think Shia LaBeouf who is, himself, a rich dude, would make this up?
Well if Morgan and his ilk are to be believed, the reason is attention. Cue head explosion. Rape apologists have a dismissal for every person, every story, every time.
All of this negative energy around victims' stories like this--the shame and disbelief-- only serve to do one thing: continue to make it less and less likely that victims feel comfortable speaking out.
And it's fucking bullshit.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Rape Culture Watch: The Mindy Project Part 2
[Content note: Rape culture, vulgar language]
Sigh. I'm a glutton for punishment.
I should have learned long ago, and I said I would learn, that The Mindy Project is garbage. But I keep tuning in. And 75% of the time, I like the show for being mindless fun. That other 25% should have sent me packing by now. I feel like a really bad feminist.
Sigh. I'm a glutton for punishment.
I should have learned long ago, and I said I would learn, that The Mindy Project is garbage. But I keep tuning in. And 75% of the time, I like the show for being mindless fun. That other 25% should have sent me packing by now. I feel like a really bad feminist.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Bubbles are Great...Until You Leave Them
[Content note: rape culture, pedophilia]
As mentioned, last weekend, I had a fantastic trip to Chicago. It was the best time, full of laughter and love. Of course, venturing into a new city and hanging out with all kinds of folks also means that I wasn't in my safe little feminist bubble, and I sometimes forget that. My happy little wonderful bubble...that lulls me into a false sense of how the world really is.
I know all too well that assholes are out there, but I don't usually have to spend time around them, yanno? Sometimes they feel as relevant to my actual daily life as a yeti.
But I had a situation this weekend that sent me flying back into the reality of what the world is. At karaoke one evening, I was sitting next to a guy I've been tangentially aware of but don't really know. Some of the other people it the room put on an R. Kelly song, and because I can't let that stuff go unaddressed, I said, "Ah yes, a child rapist everyone. You're listening to a child rapist." Random dude next to me says...totally seriously...
My skin's still crawling thinking about this. What a turd. What a dickwad. What a disgusting shit stain.
Yep...stuff's much nicer inside my happy little bubble. But out there, the rape culture is, of course, alive and well.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
As mentioned, last weekend, I had a fantastic trip to Chicago. It was the best time, full of laughter and love. Of course, venturing into a new city and hanging out with all kinds of folks also means that I wasn't in my safe little feminist bubble, and I sometimes forget that. My happy little wonderful bubble...that lulls me into a false sense of how the world really is.
I know all too well that assholes are out there, but I don't usually have to spend time around them, yanno? Sometimes they feel as relevant to my actual daily life as a yeti.
But I had a situation this weekend that sent me flying back into the reality of what the world is. At karaoke one evening, I was sitting next to a guy I've been tangentially aware of but don't really know. Some of the other people it the room put on an R. Kelly song, and because I can't let that stuff go unaddressed, I said, "Ah yes, a child rapist everyone. You're listening to a child rapist." Random dude next to me says...totally seriously...
"At least he's not like Michael Jackson and doesn't rape little boys."A piece of my soul died. Yes, that's right...this guy thinks that the rape of little girls isn't as bad as the rape of boys. Apparently, girl lives aren't worth as much as boy's. (In case this needs to be clarified, it's pretty clear he's coming from a homophobic, misogynistic place. Child rape is child rape and it's all horrific.) So I said that to him, totally stone faced, "Child rape is child rape" giving him a moment to realize his fuck up but he didn't back down or THINK about what he said at all.
My skin's still crawling thinking about this. What a turd. What a dickwad. What a disgusting shit stain.
Yep...stuff's much nicer inside my happy little bubble. But out there, the rape culture is, of course, alive and well.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Strength and bravery
[Content note: rape. BIG TRIGGER on this one.]
I need to take a moment to talk about a young woman of courage.
Did you hear what happened to a 16 year old named Jada in Houston? It's all over the news right now. She was raped at a party and pictures of her assault went viral. #Jadapose became a horrific trend on Twitter where people literally mocked the position her unconscious body was in when the pictures were taken.
If this is not one of the biggest artifacts of rape culture in recent memory, I'm not sure what is.
Jada chose to do something unusual and extremely difficult. She came forward and started talking about what happened to her. As she said in an interview with Houston news, "There's no point in hiding. Everybody has already seen my face and my body, but that’s not what I am and who I am.”
As I commented last week, I can’t even begin to imagine the strength and courage 16 year old Jada has summoned to speak out about what happened to her. I hope she knows there are whole lot of us out there that respect, admire, and love the hell outta her.
I couldn't agree more than with with Michelle Denise Jackson shared in a piece titled "In Defense of Jada: The Danger of Being a Black Girl in a Rape Culture" (go read it all):
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
I need to take a moment to talk about a young woman of courage.
Did you hear what happened to a 16 year old named Jada in Houston? It's all over the news right now. She was raped at a party and pictures of her assault went viral. #Jadapose became a horrific trend on Twitter where people literally mocked the position her unconscious body was in when the pictures were taken.
If this is not one of the biggest artifacts of rape culture in recent memory, I'm not sure what is.
Jada chose to do something unusual and extremely difficult. She came forward and started talking about what happened to her. As she said in an interview with Houston news, "There's no point in hiding. Everybody has already seen my face and my body, but that’s not what I am and who I am.”
As I commented last week, I can’t even begin to imagine the strength and courage 16 year old Jada has summoned to speak out about what happened to her. I hope she knows there are whole lot of us out there that respect, admire, and love the hell outta her.
I couldn't agree more than with with Michelle Denise Jackson shared in a piece titled "In Defense of Jada: The Danger of Being a Black Girl in a Rape Culture" (go read it all):
If there is any redemption to be found in this story, it is in the bravery of Jada herself. Often, victims of rape are not identified by the media, to respect and protect their privacy. However, Jada has made an incredible choice to reclaim her body and her story. She has decided to come forward and show her face publicly (under her own consent), to tell the story of what happened to her.This is the face of strength and bravery.
Today, I praise Jada. Today, I salute Jada. Today, I honor Jada. Today, I pray for healing and justice for Jada.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
The internet is scary
[Content note: rape culture, rape threats, harassment, misogyny, ableism]
I've had some pretty strange and sometimes scary interactions online as a feminist blogger. For the 5 years I've blogged, I've always gotten the typical "shut up bitch" type comments here and there. But becoming more prominent on Tumblr has brought out a specific kind of "troll" that does freak me out to a whole new level.
I've had some pretty strange and sometimes scary interactions online as a feminist blogger. For the 5 years I've blogged, I've always gotten the typical "shut up bitch" type comments here and there. But becoming more prominent on Tumblr has brought out a specific kind of "troll" that does freak me out to a whole new level.
Monday, May 26, 2014
The Defenders of the UCSB Shooter
[Content note: rape, victim blaming, rape culture, misogyny, violence, ableism]
Since Saturday morning, I've been watching the discussion about the UCSB shooting, its misogynistic motives, and the resulting fallout...both the feminist and anti-feminist reactions. One of the more interesting things is the #YesALLWomen trend on Twitter. Other feminists and social justice minded folks have been dismantling the ableist narrative that the shooter is just a "crazy" lone wolf (which is scapegoating and ignoring that his motivations were explicitly tied to misogyny.)
Since Saturday morning, I've been watching the discussion about the UCSB shooting, its misogynistic motives, and the resulting fallout...both the feminist and anti-feminist reactions. One of the more interesting things is the #YesALLWomen trend on Twitter. Other feminists and social justice minded folks have been dismantling the ableist narrative that the shooter is just a "crazy" lone wolf (which is scapegoating and ignoring that his motivations were explicitly tied to misogyny.)
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
When good intentions fail
[Content note: discussions of victim blaming, child sexual abuse]
I caught the local news last night for the first time in a while. KVUE was running a story about how Austin's Police Department (APD) has launched a "campaign against child sexual abuse." As they reported:
What a classic case of when good intentions fail.
The bolded quote from Lt. Newsom above sent sickening chills down my spine. It's not really a prevention method to have kids tell someone they trust when they've been abused...it's more of a "prevent it from happening again" method, which is important. But the language used here is troubling to me. True prevention comes only from the the abuser not abusing in the first place. Framing it in this "kids you have the power!" manner can have the consequence of shaming kids who didn't/don't immediately tell someone, a message which is certainly not intended but could be transmitted to victims regardless. And end up as disempowering.
There are some things I love about the campaign. I love trying to make it safer for kids to disclose when they need help. I love the PSA opening with Officer Brenda Ramirez telling her own story of survival. The piece also includes a ton of info about how it is almost always someone the child knows who is committing the crime and advice for parents/adults to believe their kids when they share something.
But man, if that wording above didn't rub me completely the wrong way. A simple, "We want kids to know they have the power to tell someone" instead of "The only way to prevent child abuse is for kids to know that they have the power to stop it when it happens," would make all the difference.
Language matters. Especially when the stakes are so high.
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I caught the local news last night for the first time in a while. KVUE was running a story about how Austin's Police Department (APD) has launched a "campaign against child sexual abuse." As they reported:
The goal is to convince youngsters to tell someone it's happening to them.
"The only way to prevent child abuse is for kids to know that they have the power to stop it when it happens," said Lt. Justin Newsom. He’s head of APD’s Violent Crimes Unit.
He says they’re using twitter to get the word out about the campaign. The twitter hashtag, #ihavethepower, helps get the word out to kids that they don't have to be abused.[Emphasis mine]
What a classic case of when good intentions fail.
The bolded quote from Lt. Newsom above sent sickening chills down my spine. It's not really a prevention method to have kids tell someone they trust when they've been abused...it's more of a "prevent it from happening again" method, which is important. But the language used here is troubling to me. True prevention comes only from the the abuser not abusing in the first place. Framing it in this "kids you have the power!" manner can have the consequence of shaming kids who didn't/don't immediately tell someone, a message which is certainly not intended but could be transmitted to victims regardless. And end up as disempowering.
There are some things I love about the campaign. I love trying to make it safer for kids to disclose when they need help. I love the PSA opening with Officer Brenda Ramirez telling her own story of survival. The piece also includes a ton of info about how it is almost always someone the child knows who is committing the crime and advice for parents/adults to believe their kids when they share something.
But man, if that wording above didn't rub me completely the wrong way. A simple, "We want kids to know they have the power to tell someone" instead of "The only way to prevent child abuse is for kids to know that they have the power to stop it when it happens," would make all the difference.
Language matters. Especially when the stakes are so high.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Rape Culture Watch: SNL
[Content note: Sexual assault "joke," discussion of rape culture]
This past weekend's episode of SNL sure had a lot of cringe worthy moments. And not just the kind that come from really awkward, unfunny, weird crap. Also the kind that come from extended "jokes" about sexual assault.
Sigh.
The skit in question featured host Seth Rogen at an engagement party where his awkward hilly billy cousin, played by Cecily Strong, is revealing all kinds of embarrassing facts about his past. At first it appears that he did something sexual with a guy, a blow job I think (oh how embarrassing. *Eye roll.*) But then it turns out that this incident occurred when the other guy was sleeping and he is totally unaware it ever happened.
Cue me trying to stifle a scream of sheer exasperation.
Look, I know I'm not supposed to go to SNL for my social justice-y laughs, but given some of the slightly more progressive stuff they've done recently, I was pretty disappointed that they wrote something that gross. How in the world did they think it would be super-awesome to produce a skit where the entire punch line rests on a violation of consent? (And add to that the fact that they coupled the sexual assault with homosexuality, as if those things are equally deserving of shame...what?!)
If you're someone who hasn't thought about rape culture in detail before, it could be easy to dismiss this type of skit as "harmless" but I'd like to remind everyone that each of these "small" depictions of rape-as-a-joke add up to the cultural mockery of survivors and the normalization of rape. This results in a society where defense attorneys argue that if a semi-unconscious person doesn't "affirmatively say no" it's not rape. (Just typing that out makes my skin crawl.)
This shit is real life. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't find it funny. And hey, SNL, I'd take more weirdo French dance skits over this crap, any day. That's how low my bar is right now.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
This past weekend's episode of SNL sure had a lot of cringe worthy moments. And not just the kind that come from really awkward, unfunny, weird crap. Also the kind that come from extended "jokes" about sexual assault.
Sigh.
The skit in question featured host Seth Rogen at an engagement party where his awkward hilly billy cousin, played by Cecily Strong, is revealing all kinds of embarrassing facts about his past. At first it appears that he did something sexual with a guy, a blow job I think (oh how embarrassing. *Eye roll.*) But then it turns out that this incident occurred when the other guy was sleeping and he is totally unaware it ever happened.
Cue me trying to stifle a scream of sheer exasperation.
Look, I know I'm not supposed to go to SNL for my social justice-y laughs, but given some of the slightly more progressive stuff they've done recently, I was pretty disappointed that they wrote something that gross. How in the world did they think it would be super-awesome to produce a skit where the entire punch line rests on a violation of consent? (And add to that the fact that they coupled the sexual assault with homosexuality, as if those things are equally deserving of shame...what?!)
If you're someone who hasn't thought about rape culture in detail before, it could be easy to dismiss this type of skit as "harmless" but I'd like to remind everyone that each of these "small" depictions of rape-as-a-joke add up to the cultural mockery of survivors and the normalization of rape. This results in a society where defense attorneys argue that if a semi-unconscious person doesn't "affirmatively say no" it's not rape. (Just typing that out makes my skin crawl.)
This shit is real life. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't find it funny. And hey, SNL, I'd take more weirdo French dance skits over this crap, any day. That's how low my bar is right now.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Consent is so simple
[Content note: discussions of rape, consent, and bodily autonomy. Brief mention of victim blaming.]
I've been in several situations lately where I have been thinking acutely about how we, as adults, can teach the foundational principles of consent to very young children. It's actually not that difficult.
Most recently, I came across this article. A few weeks back, I enjoyed listening to Jessica Luther share on the Gender Justice & Parenting panel at WE Con about how she teaches her son that his body is his, because that inherently implies that other people's bodies are theirs only, and all boundaries must be respected. She even goes as far as to ensure that her dad (the child's grandfather) doesn't tickle her son if he says stop.
Now you could hear that statement and think she's being a buzz kill, or you could stop for a second and think about what consent and bodily autonomy are in their simplest terms: You never have a right to do anything to anyone else's body that they don't want. That's it.
So teaching this to young children is entirely possible. And it's easy. If adults commit to this lesson, the implications for our future are really, really positive. Of course, this means we must all follow the rules too. Like Luther suggests, this includes "innocent" things like tickling, hugging, and putting your arm around someone. If they say no, that is to be respected.
When we backslide on respecting someone's bodily autonomy when it comes to a simple hug, then we open to the door to thinking that this shit is funny, and then rape culture is ultimately perpetuated.
I know that change doesn't happen over night...but we've got to start somewhere. Why not with our kids?
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
I've been in several situations lately where I have been thinking acutely about how we, as adults, can teach the foundational principles of consent to very young children. It's actually not that difficult.
Most recently, I came across this article. A few weeks back, I enjoyed listening to Jessica Luther share on the Gender Justice & Parenting panel at WE Con about how she teaches her son that his body is his, because that inherently implies that other people's bodies are theirs only, and all boundaries must be respected. She even goes as far as to ensure that her dad (the child's grandfather) doesn't tickle her son if he says stop.
Now you could hear that statement and think she's being a buzz kill, or you could stop for a second and think about what consent and bodily autonomy are in their simplest terms: You never have a right to do anything to anyone else's body that they don't want. That's it.
So teaching this to young children is entirely possible. And it's easy. If adults commit to this lesson, the implications for our future are really, really positive. Of course, this means we must all follow the rules too. Like Luther suggests, this includes "innocent" things like tickling, hugging, and putting your arm around someone. If they say no, that is to be respected.
When we backslide on respecting someone's bodily autonomy when it comes to a simple hug, then we open to the door to thinking that this shit is funny, and then rape culture is ultimately perpetuated.
I know that change doesn't happen over night...but we've got to start somewhere. Why not with our kids?
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Monday, March 10, 2014
In case you find yourself in a debate with a victim blamer any time soon...
[Content note: rape, sexual assault, victim blaming]
You know how every time anything about rape or sexual assault and drinking comes up some dude has to chime in with things like, "What if you're both drunk? It's so confusing," and "Having drunk sex and regretting it the next day isn't rape!"...?? Well, a study I've seen floating around several places importantly shows that these examples have little relevance to real life and are pretty inappropriate in discussions of rape. Turns out male sexual predators aren't necessarily intoxicated themselves but they ARE targeting drunk women.
You know how every time anything about rape or sexual assault and drinking comes up some dude has to chime in with things like, "What if you're both drunk? It's so confusing," and "Having drunk sex and regretting it the next day isn't rape!"...?? Well, a study I've seen floating around several places importantly shows that these examples have little relevance to real life and are pretty inappropriate in discussions of rape. Turns out male sexual predators aren't necessarily intoxicated themselves but they ARE targeting drunk women.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Rape Culture Realities
[Content note: discussions of rape culture, child sexual abuse]
As I'm sure anyone remotely aware of feminism, rape culture, or film already knows, there's a shit storm going down with the publication of Dylan Farrow's open letter about Woody Allen's sexual abuse of her as a child and his response (which doesn't get a link from me, because fuck that asshole.)
As I'm sure anyone remotely aware of feminism, rape culture, or film already knows, there's a shit storm going down with the publication of Dylan Farrow's open letter about Woody Allen's sexual abuse of her as a child and his response (which doesn't get a link from me, because fuck that asshole.)
Monday, January 27, 2014
Why I Walk
[Content note: mentions of abusive relationships, rape, victim blaming]
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
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| [Image from SafePlace's website for Illuminate Austin, www.illuminateatx.org] |
On February 22nd, I will be joining hundreds of Austinites to walk in Illuminate Austin, an event hosted by a local organzaiton that I greatly admire, SafePlace. As explained on the Illuminate Austin website,
Illuminate Austin is an evening walk in Mueller Lake Park, along a path lined with beautiful luminarias. This fun, family-friendly event will benefit SafePlace, which provides shelter and essential services to survivors of domestic and sexual violence in Austin.
It’s estimated that as many as 60,000 Central Texans are living in homes where fear, violence, and abuse are the norm. As many as 4,000 rapes are committed in Austin each year — most of them unreported. Together, as a community, we can support survivors as they work to reclaim their lives, and help SafePlace raise essential funds for direct service, prevention, and education programs.
I wanted to share the reasons that I enthusiastically joined my friend Sarah's team when she asked me to participate.
I am walking because I grew up in a home with no model for a healthy relationship. I didn't know that love never came with conditions.
I am walking because no one told me that your partner isn't supposed to demean you, control your finances, and cut off access to your friends and family. I didn't know that it's abusive, not loving, to demand your attention every moment of every day. I didn't know that humiliation and mockery are not supposed to be routine parts of your day.
I am walking because I still carry scars on my heart from the words which were hurled at me like stones. For years I believed that if your body wasn't harmed, you weren't being abuse. (Perhaps if I had been a part of a program like SafePlace's Expect Respect as a teen, I would I would have learned much sooner that.)
I am walking because my friends and family are a microcosm for the 1 in 4 statistic and because our rape culture shames these survivors and blames them, not their rapists, for what happened.
I am walking because when one of my friends was raped in college, too intoxicated to consent, we didn't even have the knowledge or words to call it what it really was until 5 years later.
I am walking because when my friends need help for the abusive situations they find themselves or loved ones in, SafePlace is there for them as a beacon of hope in our community.
If you are in Central Texas, I hope you will consider joining us on February 22nd. Gather some friends and start a team! Or if you would like to join our team and meet up, please email me at alynn(at)nerdyfeminist.com to connect. If you are unable to attend, please still consider making a gift to this important event.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Rape Culture: So Far Left To Go
[Content note: rape, rape culture, rape apologism, etc.]
It's been a disheartening past few days.
I can't emphasize the trigger on this post enough, so please skip it if you can't tolerate the worst of the worst of our rape culture.
It's been a disheartening past few days.
I can't emphasize the trigger on this post enough, so please skip it if you can't tolerate the worst of the worst of our rape culture.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
CRICKETS
[Content notes: rape culture, patriarchy]
Ugh.
That's what the past two weeks have been making me feel.
Ugh.
Please allow some complaining: I'm tired and stressed and it's been actually COLD in Austin and overcast and I've been sick with a cough for like 12 days and I'm not sleeping well and I just want to crawl under a rock until March. But I've had to do a whole lot of holiday season merrymaking (for work) and it's draining the very life from me. On top of all that I've been doing my whole, "Come on you GOTTA write. Come on! DO IT!" unnecessary thing to myself. I'm trying to remember that I have no obligation to produce content when I'm not feeling it.
So anyway, that's why it's been pretty quiet around here and when I am writing, it's not super in depth or particularly well written.
Ugh.
But while I am here I do want to direct your attention to two things:
1) There's a petition up at WhiteHouse.gov to nationally ban rapists from being able to sue their impregnated victims for custody rights. If I need to explain the importance of that to you, please leave this blog forever immediately. Anyway, assuming you are even remotely reasonable GO SIGN IT NOW. It ends 12/24.
2) Secondly, there's an interesting piece by Soraya Chemaly at Role Reboot about how Bode Miller's very public custody battle with Sara McKenna has implications for the rights of pregnant women. Check it out. Here's an excerpt:
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
Ugh.
That's what the past two weeks have been making me feel.
Ugh.
Please allow some complaining: I'm tired and stressed and it's been actually COLD in Austin and overcast and I've been sick with a cough for like 12 days and I'm not sleeping well and I just want to crawl under a rock until March. But I've had to do a whole lot of holiday season merrymaking (for work) and it's draining the very life from me. On top of all that I've been doing my whole, "Come on you GOTTA write. Come on! DO IT!" unnecessary thing to myself. I'm trying to remember that I have no obligation to produce content when I'm not feeling it.
So anyway, that's why it's been pretty quiet around here and when I am writing, it's not super in depth or particularly well written.
Ugh.
But while I am here I do want to direct your attention to two things:
1) There's a petition up at WhiteHouse.gov to nationally ban rapists from being able to sue their impregnated victims for custody rights. If I need to explain the importance of that to you, please leave this blog forever immediately. Anyway, assuming you are even remotely reasonable GO SIGN IT NOW. It ends 12/24.
2) Secondly, there's an interesting piece by Soraya Chemaly at Role Reboot about how Bode Miller's very public custody battle with Sara McKenna has implications for the rights of pregnant women. Check it out. Here's an excerpt:
No one is asking this: If Miller wants to see his son more often, and is committed to what is best for him, which he agrees is to spend equal time with both parents, then why doesn’t he move to New York? Because it would hurt his career, threaten his financial security, and probably just bum him out too much? I realize that sounds snide, but that is what he has been trying to force McKenna to do. The idea that she should sacrifice her own education and ambitions were just fine with him, yet the thought that he would do the same strikes many people as laughable.
Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.
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