Rape Culture Watch: Donald Trump edition

[Content note: sexual assault, rape]

This election cycle is such a shit show that I haven't wasted much of my very scarce and precious time commenting on it.

It, literally and figuratively, has made me want to puke. Proud racist, sexist, xenophobic, islamophobic, and (likely) rapist, Donald Trump has consumed the headlines. By now everyone is well aware of the disgusting content of a tape from 2005 where he was talking flippantly about sexually assaulting women. Numerous accusers have emerged.

None of this is news to you, I'm sure.

I want to briefly speak to one small part of it. You see, I was just watching the "Not OK" video about this all, in which various women and girls share about their own experiences of sexual assault and harassment. I immediately related to them, thinking specifically about some really scary incidents of unwelcome groping in high school and terrifying comments by grown men in public when I was as young as 12. Memories that, despite my line of work and my general knowledge/empowerment in this area, I have tried to deeply suppress into the recesses of my mind.

Then I found myself treading into some new shitty thoughts, "If I talk about these experiences, people will think I'm making it up because no one would do that to me, I'm not pretty enough."

Rape culture is a hell of a drug.

Here I am, speaking out against this type of mentality all the time, but I apply it to myself. You see, the rape culture tells lots of lies, one of which being that fat/conventionally unattractive women should be thankful if someone has "interest" in us or that you "can't" be raped if you're fat or whatever. (See a great piece at Black Girl Dangerous about this.)

In fact, as I was having this thought, I remembered that Trump has his own fucked up take on this line of reasoning. He actually said: "She wouldn't be my first choice" about one of his accusers. That's right, y'all...a nominee of a major American political party for president essentially said, "I'd be a rapist if the girl's hot enough."

I know, I know, this mentality is disgusting and here I was thinking it myself.

Ah well, all it proves is that 1) YES the rape culture is still alive and well 2) Trump is a disgusting piece of shit and 3) I'm still on that journey to self acceptance. Lots of things we already knew.

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This Is Us............Hmmm

I just went through a roller coaster of emotions so I'm gonna process it all right here.

1) I saw Parenthood post on the FB page that a new show coming to NBC, This Is Us, is being called the next Parenthood. I LOVED PARENTHOOD, so naturally I was intrigued.

Emotion meter: cautiously optimistic

2) The synopsis is boring on Wikipedia ("The series tells the story of people born on the same day") so I check out the show's NBC page and see this picture:

OMG OMG IS THAT A FAT WOMAN CHARACTER PARTNERED WITH A STEREOTYPICALLY ATTRACTIVE DUDE!?! ARE THEY JUST LIVING A NORMAL, LOVING LIFE OF SOME SORT? THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!

Emotion meter: on cloud 9.

3) I read this snippet about the show and watched this clip:

"Kate (Chrissy Metz), who’s struggling with a weight problem; her brother Kevin (Justin Hartley), a TV star who’s fed up with his brainless sitcom"

It was a drill. It was only a drill.

Emotion meter: devastated.

4) I try to convince myself, "maybe they will make this character so much more than it seems from those snippets above??"

Emotion meter: hopeful but expecting a giant let down.

That's where I am now. I have no idea how this will all come to fruition, but I'm going to check out This Is Us in the fall for the comparisons to Parenthood  alone. That said, I only have so much of a tolerance for "fat people's lives are tragic and if only they would lose weight, then they'll be awesome" story lines. I'll bail if there isn't something more interesting going on for this character.

I mean, maybe the creators of This Is Us are drawing on this trope so they can pull in mainstream audiences but then, ultimately, subvert it?

Look at me being so positive.

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The January Body Positive Blues

[Content note: fatphobic/weight/food stuff.]

I talk about this nearly every year. January is the season to truly hate our bodies. We come out of the holidays with all of those INDULGE messages and then suddenly in January, we're supposed to set a resolution to work out, eat "better," lose weight--and generally feel shameful about our flabby, doughy, *DISGUSTING* bodies while torturing ourselves into thinness just in time for "bathing suit season."

It's enough to make even the most body positive bitch, like yours truly, get a case of the January blues.

One of the things that bugs me the most about this time of year is that it is NEVER a quiet, internal "I want to get back in shape" process that individuals embark upon on their own. Nope--it's VERY driven by the billion dollar weight loss industry, EVERYONE gets in on it, and it's continuously in your face.

Take advertisements this time of year. You don't even have to listen carefully to hear it, because it will be smashed upside your head. Every gym is running a special. Restaurants roll out their "light" menus (which are all buried by March.) Department stores like Kohls and Old Navy move their active wear to the front of the store and begin running special promotions. Special K is. every. where.

Bleh.

What bothers me most, above all, is how the messages reach the youngest ears, especially from the adults around them. Adult women (mothers, aunts, etc.) who have internalized this pressure have enormous impact on the body image formation of girls, and perpetuate it with them. In my line of work, I do frequent research on this topic for grants...and needless to say, the situation grows more grim all the time. According to a 2013 CDC study, only 4% of high school aged girls were not actively trying to lose weight (compared to 67% of boys.) A study of girls ages 3-6 in the Southern US showed that nearly 50% of them were already worried about their weight. (British Journal of Psychology, 2010.)

Ages 3-6!

I think about a mom at an event I was at recently. She couldn't stop talking about how terrible the holidays are for your weight and how she wasn't going to eat anything and get "fatter" this year. All while 20 or so 13-17 year olds were nearby. This woman was intending no ill will toward the girls (including her daughter). She only spoke of her own dissatisfaction with her own body. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Talking shit about ourselves in front of kids isn't just about us. It's inherently teaching them how to view themselves too. "If she thinks she's fat, what does she think about me?" "If she's disgusting, maybe I'm disgusting."

This mentality sets off a domino effect. It is inextricably linked to never feeling good enough, undue emphasis placed on physical attributes, and complicated, toxic, unhealthy relationships with food and eating.

It's got to stop some place, right? Why not with us?

Listen, I can't avoid the January body positive blues all together. I can't stop the endlessly fatphobic messages of the media. It's going to be there as long as profit motives rule.

But I'm not entirely powerless either. I can stop my own perpetuation of these messages. I can refuse to talk like that mom. I can refuse to purchase products which pander to this mentality. I can start discussions about this with others. I can point out toxic message when I hear them. I can encourage critical media consumption. I can (try) to practice radical self-love and acceptance (which, really, is a huge middle finger to the whole system when you think about it.)



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Honoring the right to self preservation

Let's talk about honoring someone else's right to self preservation, or subtitle: why I won't be watching Nicole Arbour's "Dear Fat People" video.

A few years ago, I learned a really important lesson from Trudy of Gradient Lair: It's not cool to send someone, "have you seen ____?" messages. I think when I first heard her talking about it, it was in a series of tweets I can't locate at the moment, but the heart of her ideas about this can be found at her piece entitled, "11 Things People Need to Stop Emailing Me." She wrote: 

99% of the time I heard about the same shit you heard about. Thus, I don’t need my Tumblr Inbox filled with a bunch of links to stories that I usually read 72 hours - 1 week before you sent them. Even if I did hear about something, I am NOT required to comment on it if I do not want to. I am not a 24 hour on-demand opinion generation machine. Conversely, sometimes I purposely skip stories because they are stressful, triggering or simply not of interest to me. And for Whites especially, stop emailing me every first grade level article or term you see on race. You’re in race kindergarten.  I am Methuselah. So stop...

At the time, I was like, "Good point," filed this away in my brain, and moved on with my day...but as my own Tumblr picked up in popularity, I started to much better understand the importance of what she was saying. Of course, my white privilege has shielded me from anything near the harassment that Trudy faces on social media. But when Nicole Arbour's now infamous "Dear Fat People" video blew up, I got a taste of how much people need to remember to honor someone else's right to self preservation. And how annoying/disturbing a bulk of "have you seen ____" messages can be.

As Trudy points out, sending something like this to someone can be potentially stressful or triggering. In the case of Arbour's video, I am a fat lady who blogs frequently about fatphobia and being a fat lady and all that entails. So I popped to mind for a few people when someone with a large platform was spewing off vile fatphobic bullshit. I get that. But it seems very different to wait and see if I'm going to talk about it than to start demanding I do. Suddenly my blogging email address and my Tumblr inbox at FacebookSexism had a few dozen mentions of the video. Some were just submissions of screenshots from people talking about it on Facebook. No problem. But some were "Did you see this?" and "What do you think about Nicole Arbour's video?"

I haven't been moderating as much at FBS as I used to for a variety of reasons and the Arbour thing hit right when I was in the middle of one such NOT moderating time frame. But because my inbox had a steady trickle of content related to it, I went ahead and shared these comments, tacking onto another plus size woman's thoughts, who fielded a similar "what do you think?" question:

I have no need to watch it. I’ve heard it all my whole life which is why it’s so fucking absurd anyway (poising it as “finally someone said it” Ha!) PLUS I deserve some level of self preservation so I gotta avoid this one. 

I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the mentality which leads a thin person to send a fat person a gushingly fatphobic video. Or a white person to send flagrantly white supremacist content to a black person...do y'all not see who messed up that is?

I get that these inquiries can be made in good faith...coming from an "I admire you and I want to know what your thoughts are on this" place. But because these questions are typically made to people with a very large and visible social media presence, you can just assume that they've already seen them and they don't need to be prodded to write about it. I mean, if I had it in me to watch Arbour spout off the same BS society had told me every day so I could put my reactions to it out there, I would.

I was so fed up from the whole thing that I deleted 5-6 submissions for FBS about Arbour that would have been otherwise fine content to feature there, shaming people who defended her in comment threads, etc. But I was so over it that they hit the trash bin right along side the "What do you think?"s.

Pause before you send a message like this to someone. Chances are your inquiry of this nature is unnecessary and a quick Google search would reveal 1) similar things the person you are approaching has already written or 2) other sources talking about the subject matter already that you can go read; people who are in the headspace/have the interest/time/whatever to tackle the topic. Shit, even go write about it yourself if you want. Just give someone a break before you try to introduce something into their lives which could not only unduly demand their time and attention, but also hurt them.

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A few thoughts on Spy and being a fat lady

[Image text: Melissa McCarthy as a spy with a gun, but dressed as an older woman in a pink track suit and cat shirt]

I had a chance to see Melissa McCarthy's new flick, Spy, Wednesday night at a free advanced screening. (This will stay relatively spoiler free.)

It's not the best or funniest movie I've ever seen, but it definitely did crack me up. (I'm a sucker for McCarthy.) And in my usual fashion, I started to think about the messages in it. I got a little flummoxed. On one hand, McCarthy's character, Susan Cooper, is the butt of a lot of fat jokes and shaming...but on the other, it's kinda because everyone has underestimated her. She pulls through to prove herself an incredibly competent spy in the field--who takes things into her own hands (literally) and is successful in her mission, partly because she's able to leverage the stereotypes believed about her.

So that was kind of cool, but still something didn't sit right with me. Then I read Meredith Borders' piece at Birth. Movies. Death. and it all made sense. Borders posits that Spy is actually commentary on McCarthy's career. She writes:

Throughout the span of McCarthy's career, she's often played three types of characters: sweet, clumsy, adorable (Gilmore Girls, Mike and Molly, Samantha Who), dowdy and bumbling (Bridesmaids, Tammy) or raunchy yet surprisingly competent (The Heat). She plays each convincingly and with a certain amount of compelling charm, even when her character is meant to be profoundly uncharming. What she's rarely allowed to be - or has chosen not to be...is glamorous and composed, which just so happens to be the persona McCarthy projects with ease on the red carpet and in interviews.

"Well Intentioned" Fatphobes Can Kiss My Huge Ass

[Content note: fatphobia, body shaming]

A while back, I published a submitted photo on Tumblr where a fat woman was doing a move on a pole and someone had compared her to a roast chicken on the spit. Included were several very offensive comments. It was all around the perfect type of stuff to feature on a blog that calls out bigots on social media.

But I knew, right as I posted it, that the comments and direction it would eventually go, would make me want to scream. It always does. Even in "progressive" spaces...when fatphobia comes up front and center, someone is bound to derail and/or say something "well intentioned" that is actually incredibly toxic.

I was not wrong.

There is no Plus Size Department for Men

[Content note: Body shaming, fatphobia, misogyny]

I read something a few weeks ago that has stuck in my brain. I can't remember if it was a tweet or a tumblr post, but it was something along the lines of, "Did you ever notice there is no men's plus size department? Bigger men can just shop where smaller men shop." (I hate that I can't properly attribute this, but despite some Google searching; I can't find the source, bear with me.)

Of course, there actually are upper size limits to the men's department and not everyone can comfortably fit in the men's clothes that are typically available. But that aside, the stark contrast between this approach to men's and women's clothing, in general, is very telling.*

Basically, I can't see it as anything but the intersection between fatphobia and misogyny.

Since this concept stuck in my brain so thoroughly, I though I'd spot check it and see how true this is. I went to Target's website and found that you can buy men's jeans from a 28" to a 50" waist on the same page, no problem, whereas women's jeans are definitely divided out into standard and plus size, (for the over size 18 crowd.) Don't even get me started on the totally arbitrary and widely varying topic of women's clothes sizes. But for the sake of a comparison, a 50" waist would equate to approximately a women's size 30, which is not even an available pants size on Target's site...to my knowledge.

I don't have much else to say, except this is bullshit. There's really no reason that plus size departments need to exist (and for them to drop off at a max of a size 24, for that matter) ya know? Men's clothing dictates as much. The division in women's sizing, at the end of the day, just feels othering to me.

I'll end on a tweet I saw lately which amused me and I was actually quick enough to capture a citation for:

I just hope that we as a society are giving women enough feedback on their appearance and behavior.
— Mark Peters (@wordlust) December 2, 2014

*ETA: I had someone ask why I didn't account for "Big & Tall" stores for men, as if this refutes my thesis. I am specifically NOT talking about specialty size shops; I'm talking about general clothing retailers who have divided sections for women's sizes but who have a very large size range for men all together. I thought that was pretty clear (since I don't mention anything like Lane Bryant, etc.) but apparently I need to state that explicitly.

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My body is not a costume

[Content note: fat shaming, fatphobia, weight loss]

I wasn't surprised to see a few "fat suit" costumes come across my newsfeed Friday night and Saturday morning on Facebook.

No, not surprised. Disgusted. Embarrassed. Outraged. Yes, all of those, but not surprised.

There's a disturbingly long history of fat suit usage in popular culture and our media. The trend of these artifacts is to mock, shame, humiliate, and belittle actual fat people. But even the more seemingly positive "I'm just trying to experience life like you for a day" examples convey the message that thin people sensationally experiencing the just so awful lives of fat people is more interesting than listening to ACTUAL fat folks.

One costume I saw in particular rubbed me the wrong way. It looked like this (but this particular image was pulled from Google.)

[Image text: two people posing in fat suits and Biggest Loser contestant shirts.]

The Biggest Loser is one of the most heinous examples of outright fat hatred that I can think of...what they put their contestants through is dehumanizing and outright dangerous. So for some thin folks to not only don a fat body for funsies--but one that is so visibly abused and degraded by that crap show week after week...well it just pisses me the fuck off.

Listen very carefully: My body is not something you get to put on for fun and take off again, retreating into your ignorant bliss of thin privilege. My body is not to be worn for mockery. You don't get to do that. My body is not to be your object of shock! It is not to be disparaged. It's taken me YEARS to feel comfortable and strong enough to say that so publicly...to embrace myself...to feel at peace and you don't get to take that away.

My body is not your fucking costume--it's my actual existence. When will people start learning that other folks identities are NOT to be worn?

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A Fatshaming Moment

[Content note: Fatphobia, food]

In case you haven't had a fat shaming moment yet, today, here's one for you!

[Image text: A cartoon of what appears to be a fat man wearing a shirt that says "USA." He is eating a cheeseburger and fries. Drinking beer and soda, and smoking. He's screaming "EBOLA!!" and the text says, "Obesity: 300,000 deaths per year, Tobacco: 450,000 deaths per year and Alcohol: 88,000 deaths per year."]

SIGH.

Listen--if we want to discuss the problematic, racist, xenophobic response of the American public to the outbreak of Ebola, COOL. But this isn't actually how you do it. I am so incredibly sick of critiques of the American people which center on mocking and shaming fat people...equating them with disgust and excess. And let's be clear, no one does this worse than leftist cartoonists.

It's tired and old and hateful.



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Beautiful, Hilarious Aidy Bryant

[Content note: some discussion of fat shaming stereotypes and weight loss]

Something kinda awesome is quietly happening on SNL right now. Since Fall of 2012, Aidy Bryant has been a cast member. If you don't watch the show, here she is:

[Image text: Bryant standing at a formal event in a black and blue cocktail dress.]

Her addition to the line up immediately caught my attention. I was overjoyed for a lady cast member who is bigger than a size 10. I mean...I can easily think of many fat dudes in the show's history (John Belushi, Horatio Sans, Chris Farley, and currently Keenan Thomas.)

But big ladies? I can't think of any...have there been others besides Bryant?

So I was rooting for her, and she didn't disappoint. Many of her skits have been the highlight of my viewing experience lately. But there's another pitfall of ladies on SNL, which I will call the Melissa McCarthy effect--where they are too often written into skits as kinda disgusting weirdos frequently obsessed with food. (That's not to say I don't love McCarthy's times hosting the show because she's hilarious, but the content does make me kinda sad.)

But this isn't happening with Bryant, and that's the quiet amazing thing that I'm watching. To my observation, Bryant is being used in a body neutral way. Sometimes she plays someone absurd, but other times she plays someone who is sexy, just like any of the other ladies. (I wish this didn't feel revolutionary to me, but it does.) And because she's hilarious and kills it nearly every time, she keeps getting more and more prominent roles.

I first got an inkling of this last year during the music video skit "(Do It On My) Twin Bed." In it the female cast mates are talking about bringing home their boyfriends to their parents house for the holidays and the weirdness of having sex in their childhood bedrooms. Bryant is there with the more conventionally attractive cast mates and it's no big deal. Because...it's actually not, ya know? Us fat ladies actually DO have healthy sex lives too.

This theme continued during this season's opener, which featured Bryant in a skit about a sexual medication called "Cialis Turnt." Again, the joke here isn't Bryant herself, but rather the ridiculousness of the content. I'm sure other fat ladies like myself know exactly why I find this so interesting. For us to not be caricatured as the hypersexual, but intended-to-be-seen-as-repulsive figure is rare.

The best thing about Bryant's role in the season opener, is that she was cast in a skit about flirting opposite Chris Pratt, who is widely considered as a Hottie McHotterson lately (due to his extreme weight loss...if you ask me he was just as attractive before, but that's a blog post for another day.) And again, it's no small thing that the joke of the skit is not that SHE is flirting with HIM, but HOW they are both flirting. And if anything, her "big fat ass" isn't a point of shame, but pride: thanks, Nicki Minaj! (And it's worth nothing that Bryant has also appeared in another skit last year which at least partially embraces the term "fat" as a self-descriptor. On national television. Who else does that?)

I just love it. I mean, I'm not saying I love the content of all of these skits...but I do love her place in them.

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We shouldn't need to be strong

[Content note: fat shaming]

I love Gabourey Sidibe. She's a great actress. She's one of the very few visible feisty fat ladies in Hollywood. And she always seems so hilarious and cool.

But there's a quote from a recent speech she made to the Ms. Foundation that's been going around and bugging me. Not because of what Sidibe said about herself or her experience, but because of its reflection of our society.

[Image text: Sidibe pictured with her quote, "If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know I'm unbreakable."]

You might not MEAN me, but you ARE talking about me

[Content note: discussions of fatphobia and body shame]

I write and talk a lot about my experience as a fat woman and the wider systems of fatphobia I see all around me. I'm not quiet about my views on ending fat shame or advocating for body positivity and the respect of personal bodily autonomy.

And yet, despite all of this, I still hear some people in my personal life make casual fat hating comments. Namely using fat as an insult against someone else...a celebrity, an animated character, whoever. Stuff like "they're so fat and lazy." Or a "fat fuck." Or just a general "Ewww" in regards to them.

I have a theory. I think it's a classic case of "Oh but I didn't mean you" and "You're not one of those type of people" exemptions that privileged people try to bestow on others when they're talking shit about someone who is actually just like us. (Whether they consciously think these thoughts or not.) Also, because fatphobia operates on a continuum and I'm not extremely fat, I possess some relative privilege. Many people in my life don't think of me as "fat" (but instead might try to describe me as what they see as a kinder term like plus sized.) I know this becasue if I say I identify as fat, they start the whole "You're not!" nonsense. Many of the same people don't think about how their offhanded fatphobic comments actually can and do affect me. And deeply bother me. They don't think about my actual lived experience and the context in which these type of statements exist and how the same hateful attitudes have been used against me. Because they know and like me, they see me as a person and understand my humanity. But there is a disconnect which prevents them from seeing the same humanity of the people their comments are aimed at.

I want to shut it down. I want to call them out and humiliate them for being so insensitive. But sometimes speaking up is much easier said than done. In a moment, just casually hanging out with friends, it's not always easy to be the one who turns things serious for a moment...who plays a "buzzkill" role, (especially when the comments are very small.) It's a role I sometimes effortlessly play while other times I just simply don't feel up to it. I try not to beat myself up about it, but missed opportunities pick at the back of my mind (and make me write rambling blog posts.)

So I'd like to put a reminder out there...using fat as an insult or generally disrespecting someone's body, even if that person is not around, even if that person isn't actually REAL, is a shitty thing to do. And it affects those around you, whether you mean it to or not.


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More on Louis CK and Fat Women

The days following Louis CK's latest episode of Louie, me (and everyone) writing about it, has been really interesting. It's pretty clear that there is no ONE universal reaction to this episode of the show. While fat ladies (like myself) have been excited about it, others have been much more critical.

In one interaction with another fat positive blogger, I heard the argument that he's getting all the credit for saying what fat ladies have been saying forever. Another outspoken critic is Melissa McEwan of Shakesville, who wrote a piece which has been sent to me by many people now.

Louis CK takes on fatphobia X sexism

Last night, I sat semi-aghast as the latest episode of Louis CK's Louie took on a big (pun totally intentded) topic: being a fat lady in a sexist and fatphobic society.

As I told Ronald at the time, the scene in which a new character, Vanessa (Sarah Baker), tells Louie (CK) what it's like to walk in her shoes, was the realest 10 minutes of TV I've seen in a loooooong time. If you haven't seen it, check it out here:



The scene (and the episode in general) were remarkable for a number of reasons. The one that stood out to me the most was how CK, who writes every episode, isn't just calling out how society treats fat women, he's actually calling out himself and men like him. I mean, Louie has frequently fallen into the "schlubby guy, hot girl" trope in the past. (Unless, as Vanessa points out, the schlubby guy wants a lay. She calls bullshit on guys who fuck fat girls but won't date them. Yet again, women can be fetishized and objectified, but heaven forbid they want to be treated like humans.)

Weight changes are not value neutral

[Content note: discussions of weight changes and fatphobia]

I recently came across an amazing statement shared by Tumblr user locsgirl that struck right to a concept I've been mulling over:

Don’t even try to tell me that fat people losing weight is just ‘personal choice’ ‘cause everyone knows that’s a flat-out lie. As if fatness isn’t demonized as the worst thing ever, as if it’s not seen as a fate worse than death, as if it’s not a mortal fear of millions of people, as if people who lose weight don’t get ridiculously and excessively praised and rewarded.

This is so important. The fact of the matter is that in a society which privileges thinness, when a fat person decides to lose weight, it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's nearly impossible to say that this choice isn't somehow influenced by fatphobia. Just the same way that women can choose to wear high heels or makeup or cleavage revealing tops...sure it's might be a "personal choice," but can we really extract it from the patriarchal society from which it stems?

In this example, can we really extract the fatphobia?

Still working on this "body positivity" thing

[Content note: mentions of weight, body shame]

It's no secret that I embrace body positivity and denounce fatphobia. Two seconds on this blog will reveal that much. But as with unlearning any of the dangerous messages that society transmits, even when we try our best, it takes time and there's a LOT of back sliding.

The biggest way that I know that internalized fatphobia still has an effect on my mind is how I view my own normal body fluctuations. I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn in a few months and they're loose: I feel happy/excited. I put on a dress I haven't worn in over a year and it's snug: I feel gross/ashamed/sad.

I look out into the world and can appreciate all the other lovely fat ladies I see. I can teach body positive workshops and lessons to others. I can write blog after blog post about the negative effects of healthism, fatphobia, and body shaming...but when push comes to shove, the hardest battle I will ever fight on this front is inside my own head. Just like unlearning racism, sexism, transphobia, homphobia, ableism, etc...the wider societal messages fight against my personal process every day.

So many times I feel disgusting and ashamed.

But I am thankful that I do know that this is all a process. I'm getting better at forgiving myself when I do slide back into old views that thinner=better. I can let the thought exist in my mind for a moment and then push it to the side. Beating up myself about it won't solve anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this reminder that no matter how far you evolve in your journey to self-acceptance and body positivity, it will probably always be a work in progress. And that's ok.


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When Spaces Aren't for You/This is a Body Positive Blog

[Content note: fatphobia, healthism, body shaming]

I've been sitting on this comment in my queue for almost a week now. When I first saw it I thought about immediately marking it as spam, then I thought about just publishing it and ignoring it, then I thought about writing about it, then I thought about ignoring it again, but it kept sticking in my mind so I decided I would go ahead and write about it.

Anyway, here's the comment I'm talking about in full. I'd like to re-emphasize that if you find fatphobic, healthist, food related, and/or body shaming comments to be very upsetting or triggering, don't click "read more."

Gabourey Sidibe's Dress Debacle and Being Visible and Fat

[Content note: fatphobia, body shaming]

There's been a lot of talk about Gabourey Sidibe's dress at the Golden Globes and the negative reaction to it. There's been even more talk about her pitch perfect Twitter response:

To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK
— Gabourey Sidibe (@GabbySidibe) January 13, 2014

Obviously, I was thrilled to see her shut down the critics like this. In fact, I'm not sure I could conceive of a better response if I had a think tank of 100 feisty fat ladies and 8 hours to brainstorm together. It is playful, as to not give their ridiculous comments any real merit. It's funny so that her personality shines through. It's delightfully snarky as to remind everyone that she is a successful actress. And it highlights that no matter what people might say about her clothes/body, she's living a happy life.

Like I said, perfection, so Sidibe doesn't need me to come to her defense or any such nonsense. But this is a very clear example of what fat ladies in the media face when they dare to be visible and fat, so I'd like to dig in a little.

Tis the Season to Feel Like Crap About Your Body...

[Content note: New Year weight loss stuffs]

Fa la la la...Sigh. It doesn't really have the same ring does it?

So it's January. A new year. A fresh start. A new opportunity to feel bad about your weight! YAY!

Here's a lovely pertinent gem I've seen floating around:

[Picture reads "Adverts before Christmas" with a happy woman surrounded by treats and the text, "enjoy yourself!" Below is "After Christmas" with a physical trainer yelling, "You're a sack of sh*t." a dress saying, "fit into me" and other messages like, "stop smoking," "join a gym," and "cereal for dinner."]

When I saw this, my first comment was, "Hm. It's almost like they're always trying to sell us something." Because that's exactly what's happening.

As is obvious if you click around here for two seconds, I'm always a critic of our ever fatphobic culture. But there are a few times a year where the fatphobia hits such a fever pitch, that it's on a whole other level.

And resolution season is the worst. What makes the situation even more troubling is how just a few days prior the message du jour was of INDULGENCE. It's like we're set up for failure, and when you "fail" the $20 billion weight loss industry will be there, ready to pounce. That is, if you believe that success is determined by body size.

Luckily, I don't.

But sometimes it's not that simple. The chorus of "lose weight" gets so loud this time of year, it's nearly inescapable, even for the firmly body positive. If you're not inundated with ads on radio, TV, online, and magazines, then it's your friends on Facebook postings statuses with their weight loss goals or your coworkers bemoaning how the holidays wrecked their bodies. It's all too much! (And before someone chimes in with, "There's nothing wrong with wanting to change your body...as they always do...please note: I'm critiquing cultural pressure/messaging, not anyone's individual choice. There's a big difference between making a personal change and making a personal change and then saying, "I just can't eat like that anymore!" when you're friend grabs a cookie.)

So my challenge to you, should you accept it, is to take a stance this resolution season and shamelessly love your body out loud. Post a status about how you're not buying the weight loss hype. Make body positive comments at the dinner table with your family. Tweet a selfie and praise it. If someone food polices another person, ask them to stop.

Be an ally against the shame this season. There will be far too many people playing the fat negative game...let's build some momentum on the side of positivity.

Related reading:
Rethinking New Year's Resolutions
Examining Resolution Season
Speaking Up Online


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A Short Love Letter to My Coworkers this Holiday Season

[Content note: Weight stuff]

Dear Coworkers,

I don't know if many of you will ever see this, but please know that I love you. I love you always, but especially this time of year. When there are a million fat shaming messages all around, y'all don't have any of it.

Here's something that has been said in my office before, "I just wear comfortable flowy stuff instead of pants all the time. It allows my body to fluctuate in size more easily."

Here's an actual thing I just heard in the hallway said by someone at one of the other companies in our building while wearing something flowy, "I can't dress like this too much otherwise I'll gain weight and not even notice!"

In so many offices, phrase B would be the norm and it wouldn't even stand out to me. But I work with y'all and that sounded straight up odd and awful.

So thank you. I'm lucky. Happy Holidays!

XOXO,
Me

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