The January Body Positive Blues

[Content note: fatphobic/weight/food stuff.]

I talk about this nearly every year. January is the season to truly hate our bodies. We come out of the holidays with all of those INDULGE messages and then suddenly in January, we're supposed to set a resolution to work out, eat "better," lose weight--and generally feel shameful about our flabby, doughy, *DISGUSTING* bodies while torturing ourselves into thinness just in time for "bathing suit season."

It's enough to make even the most body positive bitch, like yours truly, get a case of the January blues.

One of the things that bugs me the most about this time of year is that it is NEVER a quiet, internal "I want to get back in shape" process that individuals embark upon on their own. Nope--it's VERY driven by the billion dollar weight loss industry, EVERYONE gets in on it, and it's continuously in your face.

Take advertisements this time of year. You don't even have to listen carefully to hear it, because it will be smashed upside your head. Every gym is running a special. Restaurants roll out their "light" menus (which are all buried by March.) Department stores like Kohls and Old Navy move their active wear to the front of the store and begin running special promotions. Special K is. every. where.

Bleh.

What bothers me most, above all, is how the messages reach the youngest ears, especially from the adults around them. Adult women (mothers, aunts, etc.) who have internalized this pressure have enormous impact on the body image formation of girls, and perpetuate it with them. In my line of work, I do frequent research on this topic for grants...and needless to say, the situation grows more grim all the time. According to a 2013 CDC study, only 4% of high school aged girls were not actively trying to lose weight (compared to 67% of boys.) A study of girls ages 3-6 in the Southern US showed that nearly 50% of them were already worried about their weight. (British Journal of Psychology, 2010.)

Ages 3-6!

I think about a mom at an event I was at recently. She couldn't stop talking about how terrible the holidays are for your weight and how she wasn't going to eat anything and get "fatter" this year. All while 20 or so 13-17 year olds were nearby. This woman was intending no ill will toward the girls (including her daughter). She only spoke of her own dissatisfaction with her own body. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Talking shit about ourselves in front of kids isn't just about us. It's inherently teaching them how to view themselves too. "If she thinks she's fat, what does she think about me?" "If she's disgusting, maybe I'm disgusting."

This mentality sets off a domino effect. It is inextricably linked to never feeling good enough, undue emphasis placed on physical attributes, and complicated, toxic, unhealthy relationships with food and eating.

It's got to stop some place, right? Why not with us?

Listen, I can't avoid the January body positive blues all together. I can't stop the endlessly fatphobic messages of the media. It's going to be there as long as profit motives rule.

But I'm not entirely powerless either. I can stop my own perpetuation of these messages. I can refuse to talk like that mom. I can refuse to purchase products which pander to this mentality. I can start discussions about this with others. I can point out toxic message when I hear them. I can encourage critical media consumption. I can (try) to practice radical self-love and acceptance (which, really, is a huge middle finger to the whole system when you think about it.)



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A few thoughts on Spy and being a fat lady

[Image text: Melissa McCarthy as a spy with a gun, but dressed as an older woman in a pink track suit and cat shirt]

I had a chance to see Melissa McCarthy's new flick, Spy, Wednesday night at a free advanced screening. (This will stay relatively spoiler free.)

It's not the best or funniest movie I've ever seen, but it definitely did crack me up. (I'm a sucker for McCarthy.) And in my usual fashion, I started to think about the messages in it. I got a little flummoxed. On one hand, McCarthy's character, Susan Cooper, is the butt of a lot of fat jokes and shaming...but on the other, it's kinda because everyone has underestimated her. She pulls through to prove herself an incredibly competent spy in the field--who takes things into her own hands (literally) and is successful in her mission, partly because she's able to leverage the stereotypes believed about her.

So that was kind of cool, but still something didn't sit right with me. Then I read Meredith Borders' piece at Birth. Movies. Death. and it all made sense. Borders posits that Spy is actually commentary on McCarthy's career. She writes:

Throughout the span of McCarthy's career, she's often played three types of characters: sweet, clumsy, adorable (Gilmore Girls, Mike and Molly, Samantha Who), dowdy and bumbling (Bridesmaids, Tammy) or raunchy yet surprisingly competent (The Heat). She plays each convincingly and with a certain amount of compelling charm, even when her character is meant to be profoundly uncharming. What she's rarely allowed to be - or has chosen not to be...is glamorous and composed, which just so happens to be the persona McCarthy projects with ease on the red carpet and in interviews.

"Well Intentioned" Fatphobes Can Kiss My Huge Ass

[Content note: fatphobia, body shaming]

A while back, I published a submitted photo on Tumblr where a fat woman was doing a move on a pole and someone had compared her to a roast chicken on the spit. Included were several very offensive comments. It was all around the perfect type of stuff to feature on a blog that calls out bigots on social media.

But I knew, right as I posted it, that the comments and direction it would eventually go, would make me want to scream. It always does. Even in "progressive" spaces...when fatphobia comes up front and center, someone is bound to derail and/or say something "well intentioned" that is actually incredibly toxic.

I was not wrong.

My body is not a costume

[Content note: fat shaming, fatphobia, weight loss]

I wasn't surprised to see a few "fat suit" costumes come across my newsfeed Friday night and Saturday morning on Facebook.

No, not surprised. Disgusted. Embarrassed. Outraged. Yes, all of those, but not surprised.

There's a disturbingly long history of fat suit usage in popular culture and our media. The trend of these artifacts is to mock, shame, humiliate, and belittle actual fat people. But even the more seemingly positive "I'm just trying to experience life like you for a day" examples convey the message that thin people sensationally experiencing the just so awful lives of fat people is more interesting than listening to ACTUAL fat folks.

One costume I saw in particular rubbed me the wrong way. It looked like this (but this particular image was pulled from Google.)

[Image text: two people posing in fat suits and Biggest Loser contestant shirts.]

The Biggest Loser is one of the most heinous examples of outright fat hatred that I can think of...what they put their contestants through is dehumanizing and outright dangerous. So for some thin folks to not only don a fat body for funsies--but one that is so visibly abused and degraded by that crap show week after week...well it just pisses me the fuck off.

Listen very carefully: My body is not something you get to put on for fun and take off again, retreating into your ignorant bliss of thin privilege. My body is not to be worn for mockery. You don't get to do that. My body is not to be your object of shock! It is not to be disparaged. It's taken me YEARS to feel comfortable and strong enough to say that so publicly...to embrace myself...to feel at peace and you don't get to take that away.

My body is not your fucking costume--it's my actual existence. When will people start learning that other folks identities are NOT to be worn?

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We shouldn't need to be strong

[Content note: fat shaming]

I love Gabourey Sidibe. She's a great actress. She's one of the very few visible feisty fat ladies in Hollywood. And she always seems so hilarious and cool.

But there's a quote from a recent speech she made to the Ms. Foundation that's been going around and bugging me. Not because of what Sidibe said about herself or her experience, but because of its reflection of our society.

[Image text: Sidibe pictured with her quote, "If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know I'm unbreakable."]

Wearing makeup in a patriarchal society

In running FacebookSexism, this is a popular sentiment shared by misogynists:

[Image text, a comment from "BIG SARGE" which reads, "Chick looks beat up without makeup. Should be illegal to use it as a disguise, you don't look like that."]

That's right...wearing makeup is now a "disguise" that should be illegal. "BIG SARGE" is not alone in this opinion. There are tons of iterations of this idea out there. It's trickery. It's deceitful, etc. etc. In fact, in Googling to read more on this topic, here's what I immediately saw:

You might not MEAN me, but you ARE talking about me

[Content note: discussions of fatphobia and body shame]

I write and talk a lot about my experience as a fat woman and the wider systems of fatphobia I see all around me. I'm not quiet about my views on ending fat shame or advocating for body positivity and the respect of personal bodily autonomy.

And yet, despite all of this, I still hear some people in my personal life make casual fat hating comments. Namely using fat as an insult against someone else...a celebrity, an animated character, whoever. Stuff like "they're so fat and lazy." Or a "fat fuck." Or just a general "Ewww" in regards to them.

I have a theory. I think it's a classic case of "Oh but I didn't mean you" and "You're not one of those type of people" exemptions that privileged people try to bestow on others when they're talking shit about someone who is actually just like us. (Whether they consciously think these thoughts or not.) Also, because fatphobia operates on a continuum and I'm not extremely fat, I possess some relative privilege. Many people in my life don't think of me as "fat" (but instead might try to describe me as what they see as a kinder term like plus sized.) I know this becasue if I say I identify as fat, they start the whole "You're not!" nonsense. Many of the same people don't think about how their offhanded fatphobic comments actually can and do affect me. And deeply bother me. They don't think about my actual lived experience and the context in which these type of statements exist and how the same hateful attitudes have been used against me. Because they know and like me, they see me as a person and understand my humanity. But there is a disconnect which prevents them from seeing the same humanity of the people their comments are aimed at.

I want to shut it down. I want to call them out and humiliate them for being so insensitive. But sometimes speaking up is much easier said than done. In a moment, just casually hanging out with friends, it's not always easy to be the one who turns things serious for a moment...who plays a "buzzkill" role, (especially when the comments are very small.) It's a role I sometimes effortlessly play while other times I just simply don't feel up to it. I try not to beat myself up about it, but missed opportunities pick at the back of my mind (and make me write rambling blog posts.)

So I'd like to put a reminder out there...using fat as an insult or generally disrespecting someone's body, even if that person is not around, even if that person isn't actually REAL, is a shitty thing to do. And it affects those around you, whether you mean it to or not.


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Still working on this "body positivity" thing

[Content note: mentions of weight, body shame]

It's no secret that I embrace body positivity and denounce fatphobia. Two seconds on this blog will reveal that much. But as with unlearning any of the dangerous messages that society transmits, even when we try our best, it takes time and there's a LOT of back sliding.

The biggest way that I know that internalized fatphobia still has an effect on my mind is how I view my own normal body fluctuations. I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn in a few months and they're loose: I feel happy/excited. I put on a dress I haven't worn in over a year and it's snug: I feel gross/ashamed/sad.

I look out into the world and can appreciate all the other lovely fat ladies I see. I can teach body positive workshops and lessons to others. I can write blog after blog post about the negative effects of healthism, fatphobia, and body shaming...but when push comes to shove, the hardest battle I will ever fight on this front is inside my own head. Just like unlearning racism, sexism, transphobia, homphobia, ableism, etc...the wider societal messages fight against my personal process every day.

So many times I feel disgusting and ashamed.

But I am thankful that I do know that this is all a process. I'm getting better at forgiving myself when I do slide back into old views that thinner=better. I can let the thought exist in my mind for a moment and then push it to the side. Beating up myself about it won't solve anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this reminder that no matter how far you evolve in your journey to self-acceptance and body positivity, it will probably always be a work in progress. And that's ok.


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Gabourey Sidibe's Dress Debacle and Being Visible and Fat

[Content note: fatphobia, body shaming]

There's been a lot of talk about Gabourey Sidibe's dress at the Golden Globes and the negative reaction to it. There's been even more talk about her pitch perfect Twitter response:

To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK
— Gabourey Sidibe (@GabbySidibe) January 13, 2014

Obviously, I was thrilled to see her shut down the critics like this. In fact, I'm not sure I could conceive of a better response if I had a think tank of 100 feisty fat ladies and 8 hours to brainstorm together. It is playful, as to not give their ridiculous comments any real merit. It's funny so that her personality shines through. It's delightfully snarky as to remind everyone that she is a successful actress. And it highlights that no matter what people might say about her clothes/body, she's living a happy life.

Like I said, perfection, so Sidibe doesn't need me to come to her defense or any such nonsense. But this is a very clear example of what fat ladies in the media face when they dare to be visible and fat, so I'd like to dig in a little.

Mindy Project: On To Fat Shaming Now

[Content note: fat shaming, body shaming, rape "jokes"]

Ya know...The Mindy Project is probably the most troubling show I watch. (There are certainly worse shows out there, I just don't watch them.) The last time I bemoaned it, I was having some major issues with a rape plot line involving James Franco's character.

This time it's some hardcore body shaming.

Tis the Season to Feel Like Crap About Your Body...

[Content note: New Year weight loss stuffs]

Fa la la la...Sigh. It doesn't really have the same ring does it?

So it's January. A new year. A fresh start. A new opportunity to feel bad about your weight! YAY!

Here's a lovely pertinent gem I've seen floating around:

[Picture reads "Adverts before Christmas" with a happy woman surrounded by treats and the text, "enjoy yourself!" Below is "After Christmas" with a physical trainer yelling, "You're a sack of sh*t." a dress saying, "fit into me" and other messages like, "stop smoking," "join a gym," and "cereal for dinner."]

When I saw this, my first comment was, "Hm. It's almost like they're always trying to sell us something." Because that's exactly what's happening.

As is obvious if you click around here for two seconds, I'm always a critic of our ever fatphobic culture. But there are a few times a year where the fatphobia hits such a fever pitch, that it's on a whole other level.

And resolution season is the worst. What makes the situation even more troubling is how just a few days prior the message du jour was of INDULGENCE. It's like we're set up for failure, and when you "fail" the $20 billion weight loss industry will be there, ready to pounce. That is, if you believe that success is determined by body size.

Luckily, I don't.

But sometimes it's not that simple. The chorus of "lose weight" gets so loud this time of year, it's nearly inescapable, even for the firmly body positive. If you're not inundated with ads on radio, TV, online, and magazines, then it's your friends on Facebook postings statuses with their weight loss goals or your coworkers bemoaning how the holidays wrecked their bodies. It's all too much! (And before someone chimes in with, "There's nothing wrong with wanting to change your body...as they always do...please note: I'm critiquing cultural pressure/messaging, not anyone's individual choice. There's a big difference between making a personal change and making a personal change and then saying, "I just can't eat like that anymore!" when you're friend grabs a cookie.)

So my challenge to you, should you accept it, is to take a stance this resolution season and shamelessly love your body out loud. Post a status about how you're not buying the weight loss hype. Make body positive comments at the dinner table with your family. Tweet a selfie and praise it. If someone food polices another person, ask them to stop.

Be an ally against the shame this season. There will be far too many people playing the fat negative game...let's build some momentum on the side of positivity.

Related reading:
Rethinking New Year's Resolutions
Examining Resolution Season
Speaking Up Online


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A Short Love Letter to My Coworkers this Holiday Season

[Content note: Weight stuff]

Dear Coworkers,

I don't know if many of you will ever see this, but please know that I love you. I love you always, but especially this time of year. When there are a million fat shaming messages all around, y'all don't have any of it.

Here's something that has been said in my office before, "I just wear comfortable flowy stuff instead of pants all the time. It allows my body to fluctuate in size more easily."

Here's an actual thing I just heard in the hallway said by someone at one of the other companies in our building while wearing something flowy, "I can't dress like this too much otherwise I'll gain weight and not even notice!"

In so many offices, phrase B would be the norm and it wouldn't even stand out to me. But I work with y'all and that sounded straight up odd and awful.

So thank you. I'm lucky. Happy Holidays!

XOXO,
Me

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Being Fat Positive in Fat Negative Spaces

[Content note: weight talk]

I know everyone is probably blogging about the VMAs today, and I'll just leave that for them because I have nothing special to add. Instead, I'd like to talk about a recent personal experience. On Friday, I was at a training with some of my coworkers and several people we did not know. As we are apt to do, talk between my coworker and I turned to plus sized fashion during a down moment. We were describing how certain trends fit our bodies. I noticed one of the fellow trainees we did not know listening to our conversation with a perplexed look.

Here's To Beach Bodies and Not Waiting!

[Content note: body talk, fatphobia]

Ah yes, it is the time of year when we hear messages around us like, "Is your body beach ready?" and "It's almost bikini season! Get into shape now!"

Our culture is deeply fatphobic and one of the many ways this plays out is by insinuating and outright stating that the leisure activities of swimming or hanging out on the beach are reserved for people with a certain body. Or if you are a fatty and you dare go to the beach anyway, you sure better not wear a bikini because bikinis are reserved for those elite who have this certain body that they often worked really hard to get. But don't worry...if you don't have this certain body there's a billion people with products, diet plans, and medicines to help you get that "beach body."

Body Positivity and Nudity

[Content note: body shaming, weight talk]

I feel like at the outset I should mention that this is a pretty personal post for me. It's mostly just a collection of my experiences, observations, and thoughts, so take that for what it is. But I'd like to embark on a little journey down the road of my experiences with nudity--or really, lack thereof--and body acceptance.

Concern Trolls, Ahoy!

[Content note: discussions of weight]

Ya know, I was just thinking how nice it was to see many women who were not extremely thin at the Grammy's Sunday night (Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Mavis Staples, Brittany Howard, Miranda Lambert.) Oh course, as soon as my brain formed that thought, Fox News came along to crush it. Now, before you fear I was actually watching Fox News, don't worry--I only know this because Feministing reported it. As Samhita wrote:

Who Wants Flies Anyway?: Standing By Using the Term "Thin Privilege"

It still kind of amazes me when self-described feminists have blind spots for intersectional privileges.

It shouldn't; but it does.

Earlier this week someone jumped all over me for posting something about thin privilege. Her comments are all kinds of fail, so click carefully if you are sensitive to thin privilege denying.

"It Takes Hard Work to Look This Good"

[Content note: discussions of weight, fatphobia, diet, exercise.]

My love of Lesley Kinzel is well documented. (Seriously.) So when a quote of hers was floating around Tumblr last week, how could I not reblog it? It's just fantastic:

The people who get angriest about fat girls looking good and feeling hot are the people who are the most strongly invested in the idea that a person has to be skinny in order to be happy, healthy, and loved.

Very often it’s people just projecting their own body-loathing onto someone else; if you’re truly comfortable and confident in your own skin, it shouldn’t make a difference to you what anyone else is wearing, or how they look. It only affects you if it’s making you question your assumptions, about both other people and about yourself.

Women's Bodies as Public Property

[Content note: discussion of body shaming, rape culture, victim blaming, street harassment.]

Goodness, women sure take a lot of shit when they claim their bodies as their own private possession instead of public domain, don't they?

What If Stretch Marks Were Badges of Honor?

A couple of things I encountered recently got my wheels turning.

First, I've been reading Cunt and one of the things that Inga Muscio discusses is how western cis women have been socialized to find their menstrual cycles disgusting, shameful, and unwanted. She learns about a different society that celebrates menstruation through menarche parties. She postulates about the change that could be made in how we feel about our cycles if we embraced such an outlook.

Secondly, I saw this post on stretch marks, particularly the part about "are they common." It says:

Yes, so many people have them. Fat people have them. Thin people have them. Models have them. Athletes have them. VS Angels have them. Men, women, and those who don’t fit the gender binary. Young, old, and anywhere in between. Anyone can get them, and many do. They appear when skin stretches due to various types of growth, and everybody grows, so they’re more common than you might think. 

And it's true. I don't think I know many people who don't have at least a few stretch marks. So I couldn't help but take Muscio's line of thinking and wonder, what if stretch marks were revered? What if they were badges of honor? After all, for many bodies, they symbolize growing up, the passing of time, maturing, and/or creating new life.

Unfortunately, our culture didn't take that path. We are deeply misogynistic, fatphobic, and youth obsessed, so stretch marks are seen as "imperfections." But when you really, really think about it--why should the natural way that the body reacts to change be seen as imperfect? In reality, it's a perfect adaptation to allow growth and change.

So, seriously...what if we all decided that things like wrinkles and stretch marks shouldn't be dreaded, fussed over, and covered? What if we decided they were awesome?

Can you even get your mind in that place? It's hard, I know. But I imagine that in that world, teen girls would say stuff like, "Oh my gosh, Beth, your skin is so beautifully striped!" instead of "I hate my nasty stretch marks!" The entire anti-aging and stretch mark lotion industries would collapse. Many more people would feel comfortable in their bodies. We'd be proud of the changes that time takes on us, instead of deeply ashamed. And I suspect we'd probably stop thinking about our bodies in terms of minimizing imperfections.