Unanswered questions

[Content note: harassment]

In being very active on Tumblr, I'm always a little unnerved when my posts are picked up by what I have affectionately termed the "pro-oppression side."

Ever since I started picking up followers, I've had a pretty steady stream of interactions with that side. Some are more mundane than anything. Every week I "ignore" dozens of them...and since Tumblr has recently upgraded it's ignore/block feature, I feel pretty good about every one of the hundreds of accounts I've put on that list.

But when the pro-oppression folks hijack a post of mine, despite my pretty effective means of blocking them out of brain, they still raise infinite questions for me.

...like, why would anyone be in the business of trying to limit genders and gender expression of others? WHY DO YOU CARE?

And...just because you hate what I write about and do, is that REALLY  a reason enough to create entire fake accounts to harass me? Does wishing me death further your cause?

(Side note: there have probably been 3-4 accounts created in the past couple of years, with the sole intention of meticulously reblogging me and adding hate-filled commentary. I can't link to one right now because despite calling them out and using the awesome Mean Girls Regina George, "why are you so obsessed withe me?" gif, I can't find the posts. Which is actually probably better for my mental state right now.)

Then there was the absolute creep who decided to attack me on all fronts, Tumblr, Twitter, and in my email. Someone who pretty clearly has dedicated a shit ton of time to harassing feminists. I want to ask them, why? How is that something you want to spend your time on?

And even if you don't go to those incredible lengths, what are you doing in my 3 year old tweets? Do you think you'll change my mind?

Why do you waste your time?

Is your life that sad and empty?

What do you gain from wanting feminists and other people who write about social justice to shut up? Why are you so threatened?

Ah yes, the unanswered questions. And they can't ever offer me an explanation, but I don't think they actually know themselves. They're not going to admit the truth anyway. (ie, I'm lonely. I'm afraid. I'm bored. I'm a bigot.)

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Just a thought

I've long been both annoyed and confused by two, often intersection groups of people:

1) Folks who seem almost exclusively oriented toward trolling the internet to find people they dislike, writing they disagree with, and general stuff to complain about and

2) Folks who think that they are the arbiters of what is "really important" and therefore--if you address a personal observation that falls outside of their narrowly defined realm of "really important stuff," you're frivolous, pathetic, etc.

It boggles my mind why some people don't seem capable of letting others be. Why come back to a source that pisses you off over and over? Of course, I believe if someone is being actively oppressive or bigoted and you want to call them out, then do so. But if you arrive someplace (yes, I mean here specifically) and you find something that makes you roll your eyes because you just don't agree--why would you take the time to be hateful and mocking? And why would you come back? So much of what I write about is just derived from my personal thoughts and reflections. If yours are different does that really warrant scorn? Does it require your time and energy?

What a sad place you must be in to wish to spend your time that way.

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Revisiting safe spaces and people who try to violate them

I was recently reminded that there's a very specific kind of troll that I can't stand (perhaps the most.)...the "You can't have a safe space! I want in! Listen to me!" kind of dude.

What disturbs me most about these folks is that they can't respect boundaries. Violation of basic boundaries will always serve as a red flag in my mind for someone who is all around bad news. But beyond this--there's also the fact that they are pissy pants cry babies who are basically bemoaning not being invited to a kindergarten classmate's birthday party.

Heh.

But really...think about it...what kind of person demands access to an online a space that is not designated for them? Answer: typically a privileged one who is not used to being excluded. So when they encounter a space that is explicitly NOT about them, they react with childish indignation.

Some of the very, very, very few spaces in life that are actually designated for marginalized folks are the ones they create for themselves online. A vast majority of the world, and especially the power structures that exist, are still outwardly hostile to many of us, so we MUST make places of refuge for ourselves.

It's not that hard to understand.

Not everything has to be about YOU, personally. If you come across something that isn't for you, just be a decent person and leave it be.

The fact that I have to constantly defend spaces like this justifies the need for their existence.

Related reading:

You don't owe anyone a platform
You don't owe anyone a debate
We have a right to safe spaces
Don't like what you're reading? Cool! Move on!
When spaces aren't for you
On respecting boundaries
How to Enter Feminist Discussions at the 101 Level and Not Totally Mess Up




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The internet is scary

[Content note: rape culture, rape threats, harassment, misogyny, ableism]

I've had some pretty strange and sometimes scary interactions online as a feminist blogger. For the 5 years I've blogged, I've always gotten the typical "shut up bitch" type comments here and there. But becoming more prominent on Tumblr has brought out a specific kind of "troll" that does freak me out to a whole new level.

When did we lose our understanding of "satire?"

When you run a public shaming blog, you run into all types of bigots and trolls. Perhaps the most boring to me are the ones who try to claim that everything is a joke. The increasingly more popular take on this is "it's satire therefore it is OK and you shouldn't be offended."

The Internet ain't your scapegoat, bro

[Content note: brief mentions of rape threats, death threats, suicide, harassment]

I recently caught a discussion hosted by Marty Moss-Coane on NPR's Radio Times about the extreme harassment women (in particular) face online with guests Amanda Hess and Danielle Citron. [If you'd like to hear the full thing you can here, but note that it does cover such potentially triggering topics as threats of violence and rape and other misogynistic attacks. (My apologies there isn't a transcript at the link, I usually try to link to both sound and text.)]

What I'd like to react to in particular is one of the comments a caller made. He shared a story about a time he sent a Facebook message and then later realized that he was being really strange and became this whole other person because of social media.

Sigh.

I'm tired of this line of thinking and I don't think that it was properly shut down on the program, so let me add my unsolicited 2 cents here. As I say over on the info section of FacebookSexism, "If you're a feminist, Facebook can be a minefield. If you're a sexist, it's your playground. But just so that we're clear, social media doesn't create misogyny, it merely reflects what is already there."

I mean this so firmly and so sincerely. We can't change the misogyny (and other bigotry) in our culture if we dismiss it by saying that "the Internet made me do it!" I understand that the nature of the Internet separates people from others' humanity and it increases the chance that they will say something shitty but it, in no way, creates those the slurs and hate that comes to the surface when someone is behind a screen. That hatred, that misogyny, that violent rhetoric was clearly already there.

It reminds me of the old trope about how "haha, person X becomes so racist when they're drunk." NO. They were always a racist, they only say that stuff when they're drunk because their inhibitions are lowered.

So, nah bro, the Internet didn't make you do it. (And it's interesting to me that the people who might make this excuse are probably the same folks who drone on and on about the super-duper importance of taking "personal responsibility" when it comes to abortion, welfare, etc.)

All of this feels particularly timely right now because I received my first "kill yourself" comment on Tumblr (ya know, the kind of comment I get here all the time.) I was really interested in the discussion shared between Moss-Coane, Hess, and Citron because it covered what recourse those of us who are harassed online have. But unfortunately, the law is years behind in this area, so for the meantime, we're going to have to deal with it.

Not cool.

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Privilege is...

Thought about a microcosm of privilege recently...privilege is posting incredibly bigoted, often violent, comments on public social media under your full name and not even thinking twice about it.

When I started blogging more seriously a few years ago, I made the decision to not write under my legal name. I was concerned that my personal opinions could come to affect my professional success or the reputation of the nonprofit I work for. As I say in my about me section: as someone whose livelihood depends on the generosity of others (individual donors, government grants, corporations, foundations, etc.) I do not ever want my personal opinions to be seen as representative of my professional affiliations. I don't feel that my writing is particularly controversial, but you never know what others might think, and I want to minimize any confusion between the personal and professional spheres of my life. 

A couple of recent interactions I had online with some raging bigots made me think about this and how sad it makes me. All that my writing really amounts to is advocating for oppressed people, bodily autonomy, and the end of rape culture...but I'm worried that these things are somehow controversial...really?? On the other hand, we have people throwing around all kinds of slurs, threats, etc. under their full names and not batting an eye. They probably know that society generally affirms their views and there will be little consequence for their actions (unless they hold some kind of public office or something, and even then who knows?)

Now, I realize that many of these people might just not be as generally cautious as I am, but I'm certainly not the only feminist/social justice blogger, tweeter, tumblr, who writes under a pseudonym or just first name. The concern is I have is shared by many. (And I'm privileged in that my only worries center on professional damage and not actual bodily harm like the threats I've seen slung at many trans women and women of color.)

So yeah, privilege is feeling free to write under your "real" name. 


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When Spaces Aren't for You/This is a Body Positive Blog

[Content note: fatphobia, healthism, body shaming]

I've been sitting on this comment in my queue for almost a week now. When I first saw it I thought about immediately marking it as spam, then I thought about just publishing it and ignoring it, then I thought about writing about it, then I thought about ignoring it again, but it kept sticking in my mind so I decided I would go ahead and write about it.

Anyway, here's the comment I'm talking about in full. I'd like to re-emphasize that if you find fatphobic, healthist, food related, and/or body shaming comments to be very upsetting or triggering, don't click "read more."

It's no surprise to me... (On respecting boundaries)

...that the same people who come in here with abusive, misogynistic comments are the ones who ignore my repeated notices that such comments will never be published.

I am a big believer in respecting boundaries and closed spaces. That's why, while I vehemently disagree with them, I will never go into MRA or TERF spaces and demand a platform for my views. I respect their right to a space where they can share that nonsense. In fact, I much prefer they have those spaces than to try to come crashing into mine.

They do not give me the same courtesy.

Even when I clearly set out the boundary--both on its own page and at the bottom of every post--that I will not publish abusive comments, they take the time to make sure their hateful opinions end up in my queue. And when those words don't see the light of day, they send in repeated complaints that I'm "censoring" them, "infringing on their freedom of speech" and "denying a space for differing views." First, might I suggest they read up on the constitution because they have a really poor understanding of what freedom of speech means. And secondly, might I also suggest only a few clicks around here would show them I DO publish differing views, just not ones that come with a load of abusive, oppressive content.

Anyway, it's no surprise to me that the people who hold such dangerous views are the same ones who repeatedly violate my limits. And I feel the same way online as I do in person for people (usually men) who disregard even the smallest of boundaries...utter terror. What's more scary than someone who intentionally pushes or disregards personal limits? Even if you don't personally think it's an important limit to set, if someone has taken the time to outline it for themselves, then you should respect that.

When you meet someone like that, please know it is almost always a red flag to other more horrible things.


Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

An Observation

So many of the people who come here or to my Tumblr to attack me for my views/work/words also try to tell me that I'm doing activism wrong. They go down the whole path of "If you care so much, why aren't you doing something REAL?" or "This is not the way to make positive change." or "When you freak out over small stuff like this, people won't listen to you about the real issues."

Aside from the fact that they know nothing about my daily life, that they have a misguided notion of "realness," and that they are employing silencing tactics, it's interesting to me that they think I would ever take their criticisms seriously. These are the very same people who in one breath tell me I'm wrong and hate the fact that I'm an outspoken intersectional feminist, but in the next act like they're offering advice on how to do activism better?

Seriously?

I mean, look at it this way, let's say you and I each own businesses. I'm a megacorporation. You have a small family owned business offering similar goods. If you start to cut into my market share, my first tactic might be to launch an ad campaign designed to make your products look inferior, to undercut your prices, or to insult your customer service skills. If I then drop by your store and try to offer you business advice, pal-to-pal, are you going to take it seriously? Hell no! You just learned that my number one goal is to squash you, so you'd tell me to fuck off.

The same goes for any of these people who try to offer "helpful" advice about how I run my blogs. When they come in defending racists/sexists/homophobes, etc...why would I EVER want to listen to their thoughts about how I should do things? The fact of the matter is that their only goal would be to make bigots more comfortable with my feminism...and that's not why I do this. When I take constructive criticism, it will be from other activists, thank you very much.

But it's very interesting to me to observe this two pronged approach they take prong one being "I hate what you do!" and prong two being, "Here's how you can do it better." It's no mistake that they try both...they want to dismantle my work in any way they possibly can. Some people are that invested in kyriarchy.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

What is Real?

WHAT is real? What IS real? What is REAL?

It's a pertinent question to me for two reasons, one because I have a tattoo of this phrase on my left wrist (that's a story for another day) and two because a really interesting discussion was raised over on Tumblr last night about what is "real" activism.

I can't even remember why, but I posted "Huge SIDE EYE to people who think online activism is somehow isolated from 'real life' and that examining patriarchy’s manifestation on social media isn’t important." It's a sentiment that I stand by, strongly. Often people will show up and stomp around asking, BUT WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING ABOUT IT ALL? This question is both presumptive and misguided because being a part of online activism IS doing something and these people don't know anything about my personal life.

But despite my post being about this very attitude, a guy came on my page and said things like, "If you only examine and only blog about things nothing is going to truly impact the world. You have to get out there and change it, not examine it over and over" and "I said, if you ONLY do it online, it's not going to do much good in the real world. That you still need to get out and do things when you can. That is not privileged, that is fact" and finally "I'm referring to people who use the internet as an 'activist' but actually do nothing."

SIGH.

Luckily, my followers chimed in made some important points...like assuming that everyone can physically, mentally, and financially participate in marches/protests/etc. is a privileged viewpoint. They also shared their many personal stories of how "online activism" has helped their lives, educated them, or how they are able to make an impact from their computers. It was a really nice counterpoint to the guy's false dichotomy between the online world and "actually doing something." (You can see all the related posts at my blog under the online activism tag.)

So it made me think about that whole "What is real?" thing. I mean--clearly this guy has defined "realness" of activism by how he, personally, chooses to participate in movements (which he never fully defined, by the way.)

But how can you hold your personal perspective as the benchmark of "realness." At best that seems like a self-serving position...at worst, it's ignorant and discriminatory.

What I kept coming back to is that it makes no sense to police the behavior of the people who are theoretically on your side, just because they aren't doing it right according to your standards. Why not just let people opt into things as they are personally able to do? To understand that each person is the expert on their own experience and condescending/shaming them because they don't meet your arbitrary standards is counterproductive?

I like what Tumblr user yourspiritualking said best, "Internet activism is infinitely more productive than going on the internet to complain about internet activism."

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

Language Already HAS Power

Just a quick thought. You know the type of troll/bigot who says, "It's no big deal to say [slur X]! You're the one giving it power!"...?

I just need to vent about this mentality. Are the people who say this seriously suggesting that language can exist in some kind of vacuum separate from our society? Do they truly not understand that slurs are inextricable from their bigoted histories which, in many cases, were (and still are!) used along side very real violence and murder? We can't just wake up today and deem slurs to carry no meaning or a neutral meaning. It is not the victims of the slurs who "give them power." It was the oppressors when they used them as ways to demean and dehumanize others. There is no ignoring that.

People who tout this mentality just want to put the onus of oppression on the oppressed. They suggest, "If you weren't so offended/upset/fixated with this, then it couldn't be used against you." (A close cousin to "just ignore it!" people.)

But coupled with it is an underlying implication that these trolls want to use this language themselves, or perhaps to justify their past use of this language. And it's not just that they want to use it, it's that they want to use it without repercussion, so they position the victim of the slur as the one who has a problem (ie the one who is "giving it power.")

I get that people can and will ultimately say what they want, so bigoted language is NOT going anywhere. But to suggest that the reason that slurs are offensive is because marginalized people have given it power is at best laughable.



Related:
The People You Meet When You Write About Race
Some guy thinks that saying sexism = power + oppression is "giving men the power."

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

You don't know the whole picture...

[Content note: street harassment, misogynistic slurs]

I was recently listening to NPR's Tell Me More (as I am apt to do) and I heard something that struck a particular chord with me. The topic was street harassment and Holly Kearl, founder of the nonprofit group Stop Street Harassment, shared how when she's running, the catcalls, carhonks, etc, can reach 10 times or more each jog--that it's not just one small, isolated incident. It was clear that it's a network of horrible experiences in the street that has shaped her view.

While very different topics, I deeply related to this experience, for me in the context of being an online feminist.

Musings on a Fatphobic, Christian Bully

[Content note: fat phobia and fat shaming]

I hate it when I accidentally stumble into scary corners of the Internet.

This time it was a blog written by a woman who describes her blog as "an anti-feminist woman's thoughts on Christianity, Culture, and Family." Let's call her Sunlight Marie. Needless to say, Sunlight Marie and I don't see quite eye-to-eye on anything...ever. And of course I won't link to her blog, because as I said w/ my PUA post, why draw attention to myself? Plenty of mean spirited people already come here of their own accord.

The Bad Wrap Against White Feminists is Totally Deserved

Early last week, a shit storm was a' brewing on my Tumblr. Someone decided to troll a bunch of feminist blogs and asked,

Are you with those blogs that think it's okay to be racist to white people?...There are several blogs against white privilege and many people agree, but if I made a blog against Indian privilege I'd get massive amounts of hate. What do you think?

"Don't Be That Girl" is Utter BS

[Content note: detail discussion of rape, rape culture, and rape apologism. Originally from Facebooksexism.tumblr.com]

Over at my Tumblr, I recently published this submission. I didn't add any analysis because I assumed that people could see what was inherently wrong with the statement which read: “Just because you regret it…doesn’t mean it was rape. Don’t be that girl.” But I assumed wrong. I mean, I was even called sexist for this post because and I quote, “how is this rape apologism? there ARE in fact women who claim they were raped when they werent. are you saying that women never regret the sex they had and lie about it? that itself is sexist. [sic]"

(Um, maybe look up what sexist means.)

So let me break this down point by point.

This Is Why I Care: Trolls and Victim Blaming

Last week marks the one year anniversary of the original SlutWalk in Toronto. So how appropriate that my posts on Austin's local SlutWalk last summer received some heavy trolling this weekend. A commenter named "Peter" left me a ridiculously ignorant, rambling tirade about how he believes that female virginity is so wonderful and important.

Yawn. Eye roll. What an original thought. No one has EVER said that before.

Body Snarking is Never OK Actually. Not Even on Facebook.

Maybe I should quit Facebook.

I think it's something we've all considered time to time. Who doesn't have a racist uncle on Facebook? Or an asshole friend from high school? Or a Tea Party cousin? My typical tactic is to unsubscribe and hide all that annoying, hateful, ignorant shit from my eyes. And I expect that people who hate feminism do the same to me. I don't bother unfriending because what if morbid curiosity takes over and I want to creep on their profile later?

So I just hide, hide, hide.

But lately I have been receiving such a deluge of annoying horribleness that I feel like I can't even keep up. Today, it was photo being shared of a very large girl in a very small pair of shorts. It's being passed around with the sole purpose of mocking her. 

Paula Deen, Shame, and Concern Trolling

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist lens.

Hey y'all! Guess what! Paula Deen has diabetes.

In general, it makes me upset when this type of story makes the news. I'm not super concerned about people's personal health issues--I feel they are just that: personal. I think that an argument can be made that the timing of Deen's announcement is suspicious if her apparent partnership with a drug company proves to be true. And perhaps she is unethically marketing and branding her diabetes for profit. However, I'm not here to make those cases. In fact, I don't even want to delve into the particulars of Ms. Deen's disease. But I would like to use this as an opportunity to examine how we discuss when people in general, and fat women in specific, encounter a health issue.

Clearly, If You Have Concerns about Stereotypical Masculinity, You Hate teh Menz

Recently, I wrote a piece about my concerns with stereotypical masculinity, which I feel promotes entitlement, violence, and misogyny. The post has gotten a little bit of traction and some attention from some men who write about healthy masculinity. In the short week it has existed, it has climbed into the top 10 most read posts on my blog. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone had a problem with it.

Before I dug into my analysis, I put a number of disclaimers, including:

I am in no way, shape, or form a man hater. I despise that stereotype of feminism. My favorite person in the world is a man as are some of my best friends. In fact, I advocate for a definition of feminism which is inclusive to all people. This topic, for me, isn't about any one man or "all men" (which is a statement which will always prove false.) Instead, it's about societal messages surrounding what it means "to be a man." So what I'm saying here is that if what I discuss isn't about you, don't make it about you.
...
Building on that, I think that us vs. them mentalities are destructive, overly simplified views of a much more complex reality, and ultimately counter productive. As such, my discussions of masculinity come from a place which sees sexism an obstacle to both men and women (in different ways) and isn't an attempt to place blame.

Despite trying to explain that I was only talking about my fears regarding stereotypical masculinity, and not "all men" or EVERY aspect of masculinity, and specifically not placing blame, I get this comment.

Well, I hope your "hypothetical future child" is female too, because given that your understanding of masculinity is purely negative in character, you would be a terrible mother to a little boy.

Like every feminist blogger no matter how small, I get trolls. As such, I have a pretty strict policy surrounding my commenting. If I feel your comment is trolling me, I will delete or ridicule it. This is my personal blog. I make no illusions that it is a community where I owe anyone their voice. If you feel very strongly about something I write, either comment respectfully or go spew your hatred on your own blog.

So naturally, this comment almost hit the trash can. On its face, there is no merit to the viewpoint presented. It's basically an attempt to insult me ("terrible mother" is often supposed to be the worst possible thing you can call a women, right?) and insinuate that I am a man hater. However, there is an underlying element to this comment that I would like to address. So rather than approve the comment and get into a potentially pointless discussion with this person, I'd like to just get it all out right here. (Although I feel I shouldn't have to given the extensive disclaimers I put on my original post. But I guess some people lack reading comprehension skills, so I'll put it out there again.)

My piece on the WORRIES I hold about masculinity wasn't intended to represent my full view of masculinity. It was a blog about the negative sides to stereotypical "manliness" and its dangerous implications for both boys and girls. I'm reiterating this because as I've said countless times, the stereotype of the man hating feminist is one which I utterly despise.

When I wrote the post, I didn't feel that I should have to list the positive things we traditionally associate with masculinity because society does that for us daily. But because apparently I am perceived to hold a "purely negative" view of  masculinity, here goes: strength, bravery, and honor to name a few. (But of course in my view, men and women should be able to exercise both their masculine and feminine qualities however they see fit.)

I'm sad that I have to write this. I'm sad that we still exist in a place where a female critique of masculinity is seen as a threat. But it's no surprise to me that this is the case. Instead of listening to me and thinking critically about my viewpoint, it's much easier to dismiss and belittle me.

In other news...congrats, trolls. You've earned your own topic label.

Edit: AH HA! I found out the story was picked up by a "men's rights" group where "thetrollking" (obviously) linked me. I won't direct you their way, because why contribute to their page views?