Colossal and abuse

[Content note: discussion of abuse]

*Tap, tap* Is this thing on? LOL! I'm so original in acknowledging how long it's been since I blogged last.

AAAAAAaaaaaanyway, as I've mentioned before, I'm only writing when I feel inspired and HEY I got inspired by seeing Colossal yesterday.

In case you're not familiar, the premise of the movie, or at least what you can ascertain from the trailer, is that Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is a mess of a woman who has been dumped and moves back to her home town. She reconnects with an old friend, Oscar (Jason Sudeikis), and then realizes that she is somehow cosmically connected to a giant kaiju-esque creature that appears in Seoul, South Korea, when she steps foot onto a playground by her former elementary school.

Seeing the trailer (like a million times, thanks, Alamo Drafthouse) piqued my interest and I couldn't imagine what in the world had made a random woman able to control (or embody?) a huge monster in Seoul. I wanted to see it because I wanted to learn the mythology of the story.

It turns out the film was about so much more and I had NO IDEA it was going to head in that direction. So, let's put this out there immediately: THIS IS SPOILERY. If you want to see this film, don't read further until you get a chance to see it.

Being a "good" abuse victim

[Content note: detailed accounts of abuse]

I've been pretty scarce around these parts...I'm busy, tired, and uninspired. I mean, that would be why I issued an official notice that I don't blog much anymore forever ago. I guess I should probably stop feeling guilty about it.

ANYWAY...I'm here because a post that came across my dash on Tumblr caught my eye. (If you haven't already picked up on it...I'm way active over at Tumblr and that's a much better way to interact w/ me if you want. If anyone is reading this and isn't already on it :))

The post was about abuse. Written by noctis-nova. It said:

When you say you’re the victim of abuse you are supposed to, by the common understanding, be able to bring up very specific episodes of that abuse in order to “prove its really abuse”.

But a lot of abuse just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes they just wore you down constantly. Sometimes you couldn’t put your finger on it, but felt all of effects none-the-less. Sometimes its so plain awful that you’ve repressed it. Sometimes it was so damn insidious that you normalized it until one day years later you mention it and someone gives you a look of shock and you realize it wasn’t normal. All of you. Any of you. 

You are all just as valid as someone who wrote a whole damn memoir on the thing.

If you've read much of my content here, it shouldn't be surprising that this spoke to me. I've already written about the ideas of "good fatties" and "good rape victims." This quote is definitely talking about what I would call "good abuse victims" and speaking up for people who don't fit that mold.

A quick note on Kesha and rape culture

[Content note: rape, abuse]

I don't have the wherewithal or knowledge to write about this in detail, and lord knows that many, many people are doing the topic far more justice than I could...but let me not go without saying my support of Kesha in her legal battle against Dr. Luke and Sony.

I've read a ton on the case, but mostly from opinion pieces, so I can't say I have a full picture of it all. However, when a Facebook friend posted a status yesterday asking how we can be sure that the allegations against Dr. Luke are correct, I couldn't help but pipe up.

My reply was this counter question: How can someone EVER gather "concrete proof" that they were raped/abuse/controlled over a number of years by someone very close to them? I think about my own past of abuse and I have literally no way to prove or show it. My memories and the internal scars I carry are all there is.

As was recently suggested to me over on Tumblr, "rape culture thrives on the premise that absence of evidence is evidence of absence."

It's so true.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

No more Christmas pictures like this...NO MORE

Sometimes something is just so messed up, I MUST write about it. Immediately.

Today is one of those days.

Let me start by saying this, if I were to start a comprehensive list of all the bullshit that we DON'T need more of in our society, I'd probably have a hand cramp in about 20 minutes and would have only just begun what would be a life long endeavor. So for now, I'll just suggest ONE item for the list: a new, misogynistic brand of Christmas pictures that has popped up this holiday season. 

The first I heard of this, a coworker showed me one from her Facebook feed because she knew I'd share her disgust. Not but a week later, another similar image was submitted to FacebookSexism.

Here are the pictures in question

Yes, that's right. These "cutesy" holiday family photos depict the husband/sons saying a variation of "finally peace on earth" and the mothers/daughters with DUCT TAPED MOUTHS AND BOUND BY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. This is some kind of trend apparently...?

I feel like it should be totally unnecessary for me to explain why this is fucked up, and how invoking violent, misogynistic imagery isn't ok, but just in case, to add to the list of bullshit we DON'T need anymore there's also:

1. Messages for girls that they shouldn't speak up. 
2. Messages which "joke" that kidnapping, abuse, and even rape can be alluded to in a cutesy/playful way.
3. Messages for girls that their thoughts/opinions/voices, etc. are "annoying" or otherwise not peaceful. 
4. Messages that boys/men are in charge. 
5. Messages that boys/men are the only ones worth hearing from. 
6. Messages which send implicit normalization of abuse of women/girls. 
7. Messages which send implicit normalization of control of women/girls.

That's just what I can think off the top of my head! If you're in the crowd that thinks this garbage is "cute" I'd love for you to explain WHY in a way which doesn't directly invoke and play into one of these 7 messages that I've listed. 

Please, try. 

I'm waiting. 

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

The Empty Chair and My Life

[Content note: rape, rape culture, abuse, victim blaming]

A few days ago, the latest cover of New York Magazine sparked a lot of discussion. It depicted 35 of Bill Cosby's rape victims seated, with an empty chair at the end to symbolize the 11 other known victims, but also the women all around us who are survivors of sexual assault.

#TheEmptyChair was a following discussion on Twitter, that was both chilling and unsurprising. As a woman, I am all too aware of the prevalence of rape. I mean, I can throw all kind of statistics at you, but none of that is as real to me as the stories that I know from my own friends and family. Hearing that a sexual assault happens every 107 seconds in the US or that 1 in 6 American women are survivors (a conservative figure) means very little compared to the deeply personal stories shared to me by those I love most. But these statistics are important because, still in the face of all the evidence, our rape culture continuously shames, silence, and blames survivors and victims.

Some random thoughts on Gamergate

[Content note: misogyny, harassment, threats]

I haven't been following Gamergate too much, because I can only consume so much on the topic of misogyny and harassment before I need a nap, a hug, and a bottle of wine. But I did catch a recent discussion NPR's Diane Rehm Show about online harassment and they briefly touched on Gamergate. I was horrified to hear the extremeness of the threats that Anita Sarkeesian has received. I mean, I knew it was bad, but I'm not sure if I grasped just how bad.

Stories like these clearly demonstrate just how all encompassing the culture of fear (including rape culture) is that women must navigate within. The message is obvious: don't cross us or shit will happen to you. It makes it so that women who are on the periphery of the situation are legitimately afraid to speak up and the women who are involved have to move just to feel safe.

It's all the more frustrating because the misogynistic response here actually validates why these women are speaking up in the first place. (Not that the threat makers are capable of noticing that.)

It's all kind of terrifying. I've long said that being a woman with an opinion online is rarely a neutral experience. As I've lived first hand, someone is always there to tell you kill yourself or to call you every misogynistic thing they can think of. As one of the guests on the NPR segment explained, often the reaction is to tell women that they should just stay offline--as if that is any kind of actual solution. Let's be real, that mentality is one step from, "She was asking for it." It places the responsibility back on women, instead of examining toxic hypermasculinity. It polices women's ability to act freely instead of deconstructing how our culture continues to transmit misogyny to men which says, "If a woman disagrees with you, you put that bitch in her place."

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the experience of having someone critique something I love (in this case, gaming) and thinking that a suitable reaction is, "I'm going to threaten her very life." But I can't get my mind there, because I haven't been raised in a society that is so tailored to my being that I'm entitled enough to think my favorite stuff is beyond criticism.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

Getting older

[Content note: light mention of abuse]

I haven't written a word all week. Things have been incredibly busy and draining for me. Mostly work things, which is probably why I have a cold that is getting worse because I haven't taken time to properly rest.

It's been a week of horrible annoyances and stress, but all that faded into the unimportant when I got a call an hour ago that my maternal grandmother passed away this evening, or as she was known to her grandkids, Mammaw.

The really awful thing is that I didn't even know the woman. As in typical abuse patterns, my dad isolated my mom and us from almost everyone, including her family who did not approve of his behavior. Add that to the fact that Mammaw had a stroke when I was younger and moved to Tennessee to live with my aunt who could provide her with care. The moral of the story is that I'm mourning the relationship that could have been with her as much as I am mourning the passing of her life.

Mammaw was my last living grandparent. My dad's parents were incredibly influential in my life, and as I've mentioned a couple times, my paternal grandmother had a profound impact on who I am today. My maternal grandfather died 4 years before I was born.

All of this comes at the cusp of my 30th birthday when I've been thinking about my own life and going down the frequently terrifying path of dwelling in the concept of mortality. It's mind boggling to think about the fact that there is now only one living generation of my family older than me. Scary and horrible and weird and sad and bone chilling to me.

On the other hand, there are some aspects of aging that I'm OK with...I really love the person I am. I am more self-assured than I've ever been. I feel like I'm making an impact in the world with my work. I have a partner who loves me (despite my many flaws) and who helps me laugh every day. We don't engage in the petty stuff we did in our early 20's.

Myself at 30 is not anywhere near what I thought it would be like when I imagined my future at 15 or 25, but I'm still pretty damn proud.

I do regret that I didn't know Mammaw and I don't have some happy stories and anecdotes to reflect on right now. But part of growing up is learning not to beat yourself up, and when to take a lesson to heart. I'm going to stop sweating the small stuff right now and focus on what actually matters. At least for a bit! Cheers.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

Today in victim blaming

[Content note: abuse, violence, victim blaming, sexual assault, rape culture]

After a lovely long weekend away in Chicago (and specifically being in a bubble) I've been catching up on the news. And FANTASTIC! Misogyny is live and well. /Sarcasm

I don't know a damn thing about sports, but I do know that people have been watching a video of Ray Rice assaulting his then-girlfriend-now-wife, Janay Palmer, (btw, don't). Some folks have been all, "Why would she marry him after that?!" And when her defense of him on Instagram was shared on Facebook, I saw quite a few people calling her "dumb" and "crazy."

Sometimes only a gif can adequately express frustration:

Thankfully, Beverly Gooden took to Twitter and started #WhyIStayed which demonstrated the incredibly complex and dangerous situation that victims of domestic violence face every day.

If you don't understand this topic...if you've never been abused or studied toxic relationship dynamics...the solution is to keep your opinions to yourself and go READ from people who do. And let me make this perfectly clear and as blunt as possible...if you hear a story like Palmer Rice's and you EVER feel the need to say something like 1) Why didn't she just leave? 2) Why did she marry him? 3) What did she expect? ...I ask that you kindly a) shut up and b) fuck off forever. That's really all I can say about that.


Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

The internet is scary

[Content note: rape culture, rape threats, harassment, misogyny, ableism]

I've had some pretty strange and sometimes scary interactions online as a feminist blogger. For the 5 years I've blogged, I've always gotten the typical "shut up bitch" type comments here and there. But becoming more prominent on Tumblr has brought out a specific kind of "troll" that does freak me out to a whole new level.

When good intentions fail

[Content note: discussions of victim blaming, child sexual abuse]

I caught the local news last night for the first time in a while. KVUE was running a story about how Austin's Police Department (APD) has launched a "campaign against child sexual abuse." As they reported:

The goal is to convince youngsters to tell someone it's happening to them. 

"The only way to prevent child abuse is for kids to know that they have the power to stop it when it happens," said Lt. Justin Newsom. He’s head of APD’s Violent Crimes Unit. 

He says they’re using twitter to get the word out about the campaign. The twitter hashtag, #ihavethepower, helps get the word out to kids that they don't have to be abused.

[Emphasis mine]

What a classic case of when good intentions fail.

The bolded quote from Lt. Newsom above sent sickening chills down my spine. It's not really a prevention method to have kids tell someone they trust when they've been abused...it's more of a "prevent it from happening again" method, which is important. But the language used here is troubling to me. True prevention comes only from the the abuser not abusing in the first place. Framing it in this "kids you have the power!" manner can have the consequence of shaming kids who didn't/don't immediately tell someone, a message which is certainly not intended but could be transmitted to victims regardless. And end up as disempowering.

There are some things I love about the campaign. I love trying to make it safer for kids to disclose when they need help. I love the PSA opening with Officer Brenda Ramirez telling her own story of survival. The piece also includes a ton of info about how it is almost always someone the child knows who is committing the crime and advice for parents/adults to believe their kids when they share something.

But man, if that wording above didn't rub me completely the wrong way. A simple, "We want kids to know they have the power to tell someone" instead of "The only way to prevent child abuse is for kids to know that they have the power to stop it when it happens," would make all the difference.

Language matters. Especially when the stakes are so high.

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

When your frame of reference is flawed/Supporting someone who's being abused

[Content note: abuse]

I was having a conversation the other day and I stumbled onto a topic that I've thought about and talked around before, but never really dwelled in for a second.

When you come from an abusive background, your frame of reference for relationships is quite often very, deeply flawed. It's simple for others to see, even when you can't.

I know that I've probably just stated the obvious and people cover this all the time, but it's so true that I need to reiterate it.

Why I Walk

[Content note: mentions of abusive relationships, rape, victim blaming]

[Image from SafePlace's website for Illuminate Austin, www.illuminateatx.org]

On February 22nd, I will be joining hundreds of Austinites to walk in Illuminate Austin, an event hosted by a local organzaiton that I greatly admire, SafePlace. As explained on the Illuminate Austin website, 

Illuminate Austin is an evening walk in Mueller Lake Park, along a path lined with beautiful luminarias. This fun, family-friendly event will benefit SafePlace, which provides shelter and essential services to survivors of domestic and sexual violence in Austin.

It’s estimated that as many as 60,000 Central Texans are living in homes where fear, violence, and abuse are the norm. As many as 4,000 rapes are committed in Austin each year — most of them unreported. Together, as a community, we can support survivors as they work to reclaim their lives, and help SafePlace raise essential funds for direct service, prevention, and education programs.

I wanted to share the reasons that I enthusiastically joined my friend Sarah's team when she asked me to participate. 

I am walking because I grew up in a home with no model for a healthy relationship. I didn't know that love never came with conditions. 

I am walking because no one told me that your partner isn't supposed to demean you, control your finances, and cut off access to your friends and family. I didn't know that it's abusive, not loving, to demand your attention every moment of every day. I didn't know that humiliation and mockery are not supposed to be routine parts of your day. 

I am walking because I still carry scars on my heart from the words which were hurled at me like stones. For years I believed that if your body wasn't harmed, you weren't being abuse. (Perhaps if I had been a part of a program like SafePlace's Expect Respect as a teen, I would I would have learned much sooner that.)

I am walking because my friends and family are a microcosm for the 1 in 4 statistic and because our rape culture shames these survivors and blames them, not their rapists, for what happened.

I am walking because when one of my friends was raped in college, too intoxicated to consent, we didn't even have the knowledge or words to call it what it really was until 5 years later.

I am walking because when my friends need help for the abusive situations they find themselves or loved ones in, SafePlace is there for them as a beacon of hope in our community. 

If you are in Central Texas, I hope you will consider joining us on February 22nd. Gather some friends and start a team! Or if you would like to join our team and meet up, please email me at alynn(at)nerdyfeminist.com to connect. If you are unable to attend, please still consider making a gift to this important event. 

Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

Olivia Pope's Abusive Dad

[Content note: verbal/emotional abuse and control, sex shaming, body shaming, mild spoilers for the current season of Scandal]

As I've written before, I'm a fan of Scandal, and as I've said, I really like the main character, Olivia Pope, played by Kerry Washington. Olivia is not a perfect character, and that is part of what makes her all the more interesting. In the incredibly complex, back stabbing, ruthless, and yet perfectly polished political world that Olivia operates in and runs, it can be hard to keep track of or even decide who we should be rooting for, but ultimately I care about Olivia, time after time.

Sometimes What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Sadder...And That's OK

[Content note: abuse]

A recent submission on Tumblr made me stop and think about what I see as a problematic narrative in our culture. Here's the submission:

[Image text: Facebook post from the page "Thoughts of a good man." It reads, "You can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces, rebuild herself, and come back stronger than ever."]

She's Someone vs. Narcissistic Fatherhood

[Content note: dehumanization of women, misogynistic slurs, slut shaming, verbal abuse, fat shaming. Just a whole lot of triggers, really.]

Often in discussions of sexism, well intentioned (but misguided) people will resort to the whole, "How would you feel if this were your daughter they were talking about?" or "These women are someone's mother, sister, and daughter. Think about it that way" narrative.

As has been articulated many times, this train of thought--while perhaps a step in the right direction from flat out woman hating--is far from perfect. There's been an image circulating around Tumblr for months that nicely summarizes why:

[Image text: an image of a presumably female identified person with her back to the camera. Text overlaid reads "she's someone's sister/mother/daughter/wife." The "sister/mother/daughter/wife" part is crossed out in red and "she's someone" is circled for emphasis.]

"Just Ignore It!" is the Worst Advice

I can't emphasize enough that for the most part, my interactions with people online in feminists spaces are very positive, educational, and rewarding. That said, there are MANY individuals out there who just like to shit on other people. And being a feminist online means that you get the worst of that on a pretty regular basis.

Recently, a few of my posts on Tumblr were met with reactions like, "Get over it" or the ever popular "Complaining about this stuff won't make it better! Just ignore it."

SIIIIIIIIIIGH.

More on Young Adult Fiction's Virginity Problem (A Case Study)

[Content note: discussions of virginity, sexual abuse, and self harm.]

Here's the first of my posts on this subject, if you missed it.

So I took a dive into the virtual bargain bin again. I keep trying to capitalize on my one free Kindle book per month with my Amazon Prime subscription. So I recently downloaded Sometimes Never by Cheryl McIntyre. It was a clueless dive into the bin because all I knew about the book was the Amazon description:

Hope didn't have the best role model when it came to relationships. She’s content with her current no-strings-attached extracurricular activity with the lead singer of her band. She’s never believed in love and commitment. Mason starts his eighth school in five years anticipating nothing more than the usual—boring classes, fighting more than making friends, and girls happily willing to succumb to his easy smile. He’s never put much stock into love at first sight—until he sees her. Regardless of their painful pasts, Hope and Mason discover that sometimes never can become forever. 

I didn't even read any user reviews...I just figured I'd just go for it. While the book broke some of the standard young adult (YA) fiction pitfalls, it was far from perfect in regards to the ever present fixation on female virginity.


This will be spoilery.

October Is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Content note: Discussion of abuse, especially emotional. Oh, and also some made up words in the first sentence...

As I've written about before, my mom is a breast cancer survivor, but due to the pinkification, sexification, and politicalization of breast cancer awareness raising, I'm not really keen writing about that topic. Besides, in the sea of pink this month, it can be easy for another incredibly important awareness campaign to be lost.

October is also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is a cause which is very close to my heart.

Breaking Bad, Power, and Abuse

TW discussions of emotional abuse

Breaking Bad is one of my all time favorite TV shows. It has the uncanny ability to pull you in and get you hooked, even when you know you are rooting for "the bad guys."

I'm pretty sure people can and are writing entire dissertations on the gender portrayal of the show, so it's not something I can tackle in a blog post. But I do want to talk about the current state of Walt and Skyler's relationship and how I think it reflects a toxic and abusive relationship. With that said, if you haven't yet seen the current season up to the most recent episode, there will be spoilers after the cut.

Skyler (Anna Gunn) and Walt (Bryan Cranston)

Let's Talk About Rihanna

Content notes: discussions of domestic violence, verbal abuse, weight talk

I've been sitting on this topic for a while now because I wasn't sure how to organize everything I'd like to say. I still don't think I have. I first wanted to talk about RiRi when I heard her dad's super shitty comments earlier this month, but I was too mad at first to form a coherent thought. I think I'm good now so I'll get to that later.

I want to start by clarifying this. Despite what some people think in my personal life because I'll be the first to sing Rude Boy in karaoake and nothing helps me work out better than Where Have You Been?, I don't really LOVE Rihanna. I mean, I've got nothing against the girl, but to me she's mostly just a pop princess who's been through a lot and makes some ridiculously catchy tunes.

Well that's not entirely true.

Rihanna's not just another pop star to me. She is someone who I write about fairly regularly, and is no stranger to being covered by feminist blogs in general. Her very public domestic violence case with Chris Brown has been discussed and re-discussed to death. But beyond that, I've also argued that Rude Boy displays healthy sexual communication--a piece which was picked up by a fairly prominent progressive blog and has given me a huge spike in page views, putting it still as my most read post after two years.

So while some of her lyrics are something this feminist can get behind, the truth is I've never argued and I will never argue that Rihanna herself is a feminist. She's made some questionable choices, it's true. But I'm not in the business of creating identities for people, so I'm not here to make the case that she is or isn't a feminist. Rather, I'd like to just take a look at a few things that are going on w/ Ms. Robin Rihanna Fenty.

This will probably get long(er) but if you're in for the ride...