I've hit the big time! And a quick note on being passive aggressive

After over 5 years of blogging here, I am pleased to announce that I have arrived. Today, I woke up to this glorious email...

Good news! On Aug 21, 2015, we sent you a payment for your Google AdSense earnings. 

I've done it. I've arrived. Hitting that sweet, sweet payment threshold is a game changer. As of today, I am $100.33 richer.

I want to thank all of you who made this possible. Everyone who has ever visited here...with a special thanks to those of you who accidentally clicked on one of my Google AdSense ads and the anti-feminists who posted my blog to many, many hate mongering subreddits giving me a boost in page views. You've all helped me earn a part of this $100.33. I couldn't have done it without.

I'll try not to change. I'll try to stay the person I've always been and remember my humble roots as I ascend to super stardom.

Ok, enough sarcasm. As much as knowing that my work here has averaged out to about 15 cents a post stings, it was a happy surprise to get that email.

On to a totally unrelated topic. Last week, I saw this post going around Tumblr, and I just want to comment on it briefly:

My boyfriend came home to our tiny apartment at 1 AM on a weeknight with 4 of his obnoxious, drunken friends in tow. He knew I had to work the next day, he knew I absolutely hated those particular friends, and he knew I hate surprise guests. So I just went in the bedroom and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. This guy is a massively neurotic neat freak- he is physically unable to relax in a room that is not clean to his standards. So after he finally passed out, I went into the kitchen and poured maple syrup all over the floor and told him one of his idiot friends did it. He just about had a panic attack. It took him hours to get rid of the sticky. Those friends were never invited back.

I know this is supposed to be a funny post and omg how hilarious that she solved her problem this way (if it's true) but let me just add: NO.

I literally can't think of a way to more passively aggressively treat your partner. This is how manipulative, toxic relationships operate. So before you give a chuckle and shrug it off, might I suggest that you leave this behavior as (hopefully) fake LOLz on the internet and NOT actual behavior in your relationship?

Cool? Cool.

Now let me go make it rain with all my Washingtons. Happy Friday, y'all.


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Mad Max, Feminism, and Being A Man

This post was contributed by Ronald Short, a connoisseur of the cinema living and working in Austin, TX. He eats, sleeps, and breathes film and filmmaking. He also happens to be my partner. When I read his post on Tumblr about Mad Max, and his words for his fellow men, I was excited to share it here. I loved the film myself and  was really excited to talk about it a ton with him. 

You can follow Ronald on Twitter or check out his production company, Short Pictures Independent on Facebook.

Mad Max: Fury Road is an action masterpiece. The practical stunts, effects, and story (the whole movie is a chase, an army of bad guys…er, War Boys relentlessly pursuing a small group of women, including their leader Furiosa (Charlize Theron) and our titular hero Max (Tom Hardy). Our protagonists are trying to escape the grasp of the nefarious Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne) who will stop at nothing to get his “property” back) will often leave you gazing at the screen with your mouth agape in disbelief. Like I said on my social media after seeing it a second time, this movie is a masterclass in editing and structure. It’s one I will be watching a lot over the next however many years I have left on this rock to not only relive that enjoyment, but to study George Miller’s brushstrokes as a filmmaker and artist. It’s that damn good.

If this movie was purely its special effects and action sequences, it would still be pretty great, one that would stand shoulder to shoulder with some of the best action films out there. However, as I’m sure many of you probably know by now even if you haven’t seen the flick, it isn’t your run of the mill action film. This is a FEMINIST action film. And it’s time for the world to fuckin’ accept it and ENJOY it.

***IT’S A FREE FOR ALL IN TERMS OF SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON***

Rape Culture Watch: The Mindy Project Part 2

[Content note: Rape culture, vulgar language]

Sigh. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I should have learned long ago, and I said I would learn, that The Mindy Project is garbage. But I keep tuning in. And 75% of the time, I like the show for being mindless fun. That other 25% should have sent me packing by now. I feel like a really bad feminist.

Getting older

[Content note: light mention of abuse]

I haven't written a word all week. Things have been incredibly busy and draining for me. Mostly work things, which is probably why I have a cold that is getting worse because I haven't taken time to properly rest.

It's been a week of horrible annoyances and stress, but all that faded into the unimportant when I got a call an hour ago that my maternal grandmother passed away this evening, or as she was known to her grandkids, Mammaw.

The really awful thing is that I didn't even know the woman. As in typical abuse patterns, my dad isolated my mom and us from almost everyone, including her family who did not approve of his behavior. Add that to the fact that Mammaw had a stroke when I was younger and moved to Tennessee to live with my aunt who could provide her with care. The moral of the story is that I'm mourning the relationship that could have been with her as much as I am mourning the passing of her life.

Mammaw was my last living grandparent. My dad's parents were incredibly influential in my life, and as I've mentioned a couple times, my paternal grandmother had a profound impact on who I am today. My maternal grandfather died 4 years before I was born.

All of this comes at the cusp of my 30th birthday when I've been thinking about my own life and going down the frequently terrifying path of dwelling in the concept of mortality. It's mind boggling to think about the fact that there is now only one living generation of my family older than me. Scary and horrible and weird and sad and bone chilling to me.

On the other hand, there are some aspects of aging that I'm OK with...I really love the person I am. I am more self-assured than I've ever been. I feel like I'm making an impact in the world with my work. I have a partner who loves me (despite my many flaws) and who helps me laugh every day. We don't engage in the petty stuff we did in our early 20's.

Myself at 30 is not anywhere near what I thought it would be like when I imagined my future at 15 or 25, but I'm still pretty damn proud.

I do regret that I didn't know Mammaw and I don't have some happy stories and anecdotes to reflect on right now. But part of growing up is learning not to beat yourself up, and when to take a lesson to heart. I'm going to stop sweating the small stuff right now and focus on what actually matters. At least for a bit! Cheers.

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Today in victim blaming

[Content note: abuse, violence, victim blaming, sexual assault, rape culture]

After a lovely long weekend away in Chicago (and specifically being in a bubble) I've been catching up on the news. And FANTASTIC! Misogyny is live and well. /Sarcasm

I don't know a damn thing about sports, but I do know that people have been watching a video of Ray Rice assaulting his then-girlfriend-now-wife, Janay Palmer, (btw, don't). Some folks have been all, "Why would she marry him after that?!" And when her defense of him on Instagram was shared on Facebook, I saw quite a few people calling her "dumb" and "crazy."

Sometimes only a gif can adequately express frustration:

Thankfully, Beverly Gooden took to Twitter and started #WhyIStayed which demonstrated the incredibly complex and dangerous situation that victims of domestic violence face every day.

If you don't understand this topic...if you've never been abused or studied toxic relationship dynamics...the solution is to keep your opinions to yourself and go READ from people who do. And let me make this perfectly clear and as blunt as possible...if you hear a story like Palmer Rice's and you EVER feel the need to say something like 1) Why didn't she just leave? 2) Why did she marry him? 3) What did she expect? ...I ask that you kindly a) shut up and b) fuck off forever. That's really all I can say about that.


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Garbage post about sex and marriage is garbage

[Content note: possible rape culture]

I don't often do this, but I read such a horrible post about sex and marriage at the Huffington Post blogs, that I HAD to display it's blech-ness for a moment.

Written by Meg Conley, the piece is called "5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night." Right off the bat, you might be able to tell my chief complaint is that no one should ever have to have sex unless they really want to...but beyond that, Conley just seems entirely incapable of even imagining that people might feel differently than her or might have lives and experiences that are not the same as hers. And that's just something that bugs me in general.

When friendships end

This is not necessarily the most on topic for a feminist blog, but I think that it falls under the "life" category of what I write about, so you can forgive me.

Plus I do what I want.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the topic of when friendships end and the other day I finally got a sign that I wanted to write about it. Ronald and I are just starting to watch Seinfeld all the way through chronologically and one of the very first episodes deals with this subject. Jerry is out to dinner with a childhood friend, Joel, who he doesn't really like anymore (for example, Joel is extremely rude to a waitress.) Jerry tries to "break up" with Joel like one might in a romantic relationship and Joel is reduced to a sobbing mess. It's a pretty extreme example, but it became my motivation to officially put my thoughts about this down on paper (on screen?)

More on Louis CK and Fat Women

The days following Louis CK's latest episode of Louie, me (and everyone) writing about it, has been really interesting. It's pretty clear that there is no ONE universal reaction to this episode of the show. While fat ladies (like myself) have been excited about it, others have been much more critical.

In one interaction with another fat positive blogger, I heard the argument that he's getting all the credit for saying what fat ladies have been saying forever. Another outspoken critic is Melissa McEwan of Shakesville, who wrote a piece which has been sent to me by many people now.

Louis CK takes on fatphobia X sexism

Last night, I sat semi-aghast as the latest episode of Louis CK's Louie took on a big (pun totally intentded) topic: being a fat lady in a sexist and fatphobic society.

As I told Ronald at the time, the scene in which a new character, Vanessa (Sarah Baker), tells Louie (CK) what it's like to walk in her shoes, was the realest 10 minutes of TV I've seen in a loooooong time. If you haven't seen it, check it out here:



The scene (and the episode in general) were remarkable for a number of reasons. The one that stood out to me the most was how CK, who writes every episode, isn't just calling out how society treats fat women, he's actually calling out himself and men like him. I mean, Louie has frequently fallen into the "schlubby guy, hot girl" trope in the past. (Unless, as Vanessa points out, the schlubby guy wants a lay. She calls bullshit on guys who fuck fat girls but won't date them. Yet again, women can be fetishized and objectified, but heaven forbid they want to be treated like humans.)

Faking It...Emphasis on the FAKE

So I caught MTV's new scripted show, Faking It. I was watching Awkward (yes, I still watch it even though it has devolved some since I wrote about it...) and the lead-in caught my attention because it's supposed to take place in Austin (it's the most LA looking Austin I've ever seen, but I digress.)

Here's the premise, from the Wikipedia page:

After numerous attempts of trying to be popular two best friends decide to come out as lesbians, which launches them to instant celebrity status. Seduced by their newfound fame, Karma and Amy decide to keep up their romantic ruse.

Hm. Ok.

Let me just dig in on a few immediate reactions I had to what I saw...

When your frame of reference is flawed/Supporting someone who's being abused

[Content note: abuse]

I was having a conversation the other day and I stumbled onto a topic that I've thought about and talked around before, but never really dwelled in for a second.

When you come from an abusive background, your frame of reference for relationships is quite often very, deeply flawed. It's simple for others to see, even when you can't.

I know that I've probably just stated the obvious and people cover this all the time, but it's so true that I need to reiterate it.

Fragile male egos and hurty feelings if you're nice to them?

Still swamped over here in chaos town. But came across this study and I HAD to quickly share it.

As found on the Huffington Post,

According to a new study, men feel less confident when helped by other men. Research out of Purdue University found that men who had the door held open for them by another man experienced lower self-esteem. 

Psychologists Megan McCarty and Janice Kelly positioned a male researcher walking towards a set of double doors at a campus building. When a student approached the doors, the researcher either stepped ahead and opened the door for them, or fell into line with them and reached for the adjacent door so that the two doors opened at the same time. Inside the building, a female researcher approached the 196 subjects with a short questionnaire measuring their self-esteem. 

Researchers found that male students who had just had the door opened for them felt less self-confident and had lower self-esteem. (Women were unaffected by the door-holding condition.)

...In a paper published in the December 2013 online issue of Social Influence, the researchers suggest that the gesture of opening a door for a man may unintentionally send the message that they are "inferior or too dependent," or feminized in some way. 

Are you kidding me? I...I just can't...WHAAAAAT?

How ridiculous that we have socialized the male ego with such fragility and extreme misogyny that they can't handle someone else opening the door for them? This is not only mindbogglingly absurd to me, but it also explains the whole dudes REFUSING to let me open a door for them phenomena that I've written about before. (Although the study doesn't technically specify if the same effect happens when a woman is the door opener, I feel like it would.)

Listen...here's the quick and dirty of this all: Be polite to other people. Accept other people's politeness. There is literally nothing implied about your manliness in a door opening interaction beyond the fact that I probably arrived at the door before you. Happily live and move on. 

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Revisiting the "Friend Zone"

About a year ago I wrote "A Primer on the Friend Zone." My basic premise is that this phenomena is sexist and should die a quick death. Mostly, I hate it because it:

1) It ignores the actual wishes of the woman
2) It displays an entitled attitude to a woman's body
3) It posits that the worst thing ever is to be "just" friends with a woman
4) It's a go to complaint of guys who are actually deeply misogynistic

Since publishing that piece, it's been linked in a few different places and has received more attention and comments than my average post. Some of the comments shared a view I've heard frequently...that the real reason men complain about the friend zone is because they've been the victims of manipulation by women. Let's take a closer look at this idea for a moment.

Seeking Consent Isn't a Mood Killer

[Content note: discussions of sexual consent, rape culture]

In my numerous complaints about how busy/chaotic my life is lately, I believed I mentioned that I'm buying a house. Well now it has been bought! We closed today and we move on Thursday and it is wonderful and great and exhausting and terrifying. That's one of many reasons I've been writing (and reading!) much less lately. What I do write isn't super detailed or quality. I feel bad about that, but I'm also trying not to beat myself up about it. Self care and all that.

Anyhoo one of the things I did catch recently was this great list of "16 ways to talk about consent." I was pretty psyched when it came across my Tumblr dashboard. Here's a few:

1. "Do you like when I...?"
2. "I like when you..."
3. "Will you...?"
4. "How does this feel?"
5. "Do you want me to...?"
6. "Do you want to...?"

Happy Galentine's Day!

[Image text "Happy Galentine's Day, I'm celebrating you, you beautiful tropical fish." From the Smart Girls Facebook page.]

One of the best things that Parks & Recreation ever did was give us Galentine's Day.

If you're not familiar (first of all, start watching this show!) Galentine's Day is one of Leslie Knope's many invented holidays. This one's all about celebrating female friendships and appreciating your lady friends for who they are.

In a world in where girls and women are pushed into seeing each other as competitors for male attention and where internalized misogyny is so strong that women routinely say things like, "This is why I can't have female friends" we need more initiatives like Galentine's Day.

It reminds us that there is so much beauty and comfort to be found in our female friendships.

So when I logged on Facebook this morning and already saw dozens of my friends sharing Galentine's messages I was ecstatic. This thing is really taking off.

Happy Galentine's Day!



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Why I Walk

[Content note: mentions of abusive relationships, rape, victim blaming]

[Image from SafePlace's website for Illuminate Austin, www.illuminateatx.org]

On February 22nd, I will be joining hundreds of Austinites to walk in Illuminate Austin, an event hosted by a local organzaiton that I greatly admire, SafePlace. As explained on the Illuminate Austin website, 

Illuminate Austin is an evening walk in Mueller Lake Park, along a path lined with beautiful luminarias. This fun, family-friendly event will benefit SafePlace, which provides shelter and essential services to survivors of domestic and sexual violence in Austin.

It’s estimated that as many as 60,000 Central Texans are living in homes where fear, violence, and abuse are the norm. As many as 4,000 rapes are committed in Austin each year — most of them unreported. Together, as a community, we can support survivors as they work to reclaim their lives, and help SafePlace raise essential funds for direct service, prevention, and education programs.

I wanted to share the reasons that I enthusiastically joined my friend Sarah's team when she asked me to participate. 

I am walking because I grew up in a home with no model for a healthy relationship. I didn't know that love never came with conditions. 

I am walking because no one told me that your partner isn't supposed to demean you, control your finances, and cut off access to your friends and family. I didn't know that it's abusive, not loving, to demand your attention every moment of every day. I didn't know that humiliation and mockery are not supposed to be routine parts of your day. 

I am walking because I still carry scars on my heart from the words which were hurled at me like stones. For years I believed that if your body wasn't harmed, you weren't being abuse. (Perhaps if I had been a part of a program like SafePlace's Expect Respect as a teen, I would I would have learned much sooner that.)

I am walking because my friends and family are a microcosm for the 1 in 4 statistic and because our rape culture shames these survivors and blames them, not their rapists, for what happened.

I am walking because when one of my friends was raped in college, too intoxicated to consent, we didn't even have the knowledge or words to call it what it really was until 5 years later.

I am walking because when my friends need help for the abusive situations they find themselves or loved ones in, SafePlace is there for them as a beacon of hope in our community. 

If you are in Central Texas, I hope you will consider joining us on February 22nd. Gather some friends and start a team! Or if you would like to join our team and meet up, please email me at alynn(at)nerdyfeminist.com to connect. If you are unable to attend, please still consider making a gift to this important event. 

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Revisiting Crazy, Stupid, Love

[Content note: Ableist terms in title of movie, brief mention of pedophilia]

Last night I was flipping through the channels and noticed that FXX was playing Crazy, Stupid, Love. I saw the movie in theaters in 2011 and enjoyed it.  I haven't seen it since and (except for Ryan Gosling's abs) the general content slipped from my brain. But remembering that I liked it, I was happy to stop on it last night.

As I re-watched about an hour of it, I couldn't remember what, exactly, I had found so charming about it in the first place. I'm sure there was something...? Maybe I just had clouded judgement from a Gosling high? I don't know. It's certainly possible.

Two Things About Disney's Frozen

[Image text: Frozen's main characters, sisters Ana & Elsa]

[Content note: Major plot spoiler for Disney's new animated feature, Frozen.]

So on Wednesday, I saw Disney's latest animated feature, Frozen. I don't think I'll get into a detailed analysis or full run down of the film, but I did want to share two quick things about it.

Self Objectification

I recently came across some gifsets of a really awesome TEDxYouth talk by Caroline Heldman. She covers a ton about self objectification, which is a concept many people are probably unaware of. Here's the full video for your viewing and/or listening. But otherwise, here's the gif that hits at what I have observed in my life, specifically:

[Image text: Caroline Heldman saying, "[Self-objectification] lowers your ability to get along with other women. We engage in female competition. We see male attention as the holy grail of our existence by-and-large and so we compete with other women for our own self-esteem because we see it as this finite resource. This cherished finite resource. So we go into parties and we know where we are in the pretty girl pecking order and when another woman is valued for being a sex object, it actually makes us feel bad about ourselves."]

Sometimes I Feel Really Bad for Catfish

[Content note: light mentions of thin, cis, and straight privilege]

[Image text: promotional photo of Nev Schulman and his co-star/friend Max Joseph]

When I went to a movie theater in 2010 to see the movie Catfish, I thought I was seeing a creepy or horror-ish flick. I was epically disappointed when what I actually saw was the story of a guy, Nev Schulman, meeting a girl he fell in love with online and she turns out to be nothing like depicted. If I hadn't somehow misunderstood what I was going to see due to suspect marketing, I might have actually liked the thing. I know this because now that Schulman has his own show by the same name, where he helps people find out if they're being catfished, I am fascinated...

That is, until it also gets really sad.