Strength and bravery

[Content note: rape. BIG TRIGGER on this one.]

I need to take a moment to talk about a young woman of courage.

Did you hear what happened to a 16 year old named Jada in Houston? It's all over the news right now. She was raped at a party and pictures of her assault went viral. #Jadapose became a horrific trend on Twitter where people literally mocked the position her unconscious body was in when the pictures were taken.

If this is not one of the biggest artifacts of rape culture in recent memory, I'm not sure what is.

Jada chose to do something unusual and extremely difficult. She came forward and started talking about what happened to her. As she said in an interview with Houston news, "There's no point in hiding. Everybody has already seen my face and my body, but that’s not what I am and who I am.”

As I commented last week, I can’t even begin to imagine the strength and courage 16 year old Jada has summoned to speak out about what happened to her. I hope she knows there are whole lot of us out there that respect, admire, and love the hell outta her.

I couldn't agree more than with with Michelle Denise Jackson shared in a piece titled "In Defense of Jada: The Danger of Being a Black Girl in a Rape Culture" (go read it all):

If there is any redemption to be found in this story, it is in the bravery of Jada herself. Often, victims of rape are not identified by the media, to respect and protect their privacy. However, Jada has made an incredible choice to reclaim her body and her story. She has decided to come forward and show her face publicly (under her own consent), to tell the story of what happened to her.

Today, I praise Jada. Today, I salute Jada. Today, I honor Jada. Today, I pray for healing and justice for Jada. 

This is the face of strength and bravery.

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Revisiting safe spaces and people who try to violate them

I was recently reminded that there's a very specific kind of troll that I can't stand (perhaps the most.)...the "You can't have a safe space! I want in! Listen to me!" kind of dude.

What disturbs me most about these folks is that they can't respect boundaries. Violation of basic boundaries will always serve as a red flag in my mind for someone who is all around bad news. But beyond this--there's also the fact that they are pissy pants cry babies who are basically bemoaning not being invited to a kindergarten classmate's birthday party.

Heh.

But really...think about it...what kind of person demands access to an online a space that is not designated for them? Answer: typically a privileged one who is not used to being excluded. So when they encounter a space that is explicitly NOT about them, they react with childish indignation.

Some of the very, very, very few spaces in life that are actually designated for marginalized folks are the ones they create for themselves online. A vast majority of the world, and especially the power structures that exist, are still outwardly hostile to many of us, so we MUST make places of refuge for ourselves.

It's not that hard to understand.

Not everything has to be about YOU, personally. If you come across something that isn't for you, just be a decent person and leave it be.

The fact that I have to constantly defend spaces like this justifies the need for their existence.

Related reading:

You don't owe anyone a platform
You don't owe anyone a debate
We have a right to safe spaces
Don't like what you're reading? Cool! Move on!
When spaces aren't for you
On respecting boundaries
How to Enter Feminist Discussions at the 101 Level and Not Totally Mess Up




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You don't owe anyone a debate

I'm big on self care.

Probably because I work with a lot of social workers and I am reminded of the concept continuously.

At first it sounded a little "touchy-feely" and weird to me. But the more I grow, the more I know that in order to do good work, to keep up on personal activism, and to affect positive social change, self care is a must. There's just too many negative experiences you will have in this realm to NOT engage in self care along the way. With out it, you will burn out. WITH it sometimes you'll still burn out. (Which is why I take periodic breaks from Tumblr.)

Part of self care is 1) knowing that you NEVER owe anyone else a debate and 2) not engaging in one when you don't want to or just can't.

The internet is scary

[Content note: rape culture, rape threats, harassment, misogyny, ableism]

I've had some pretty strange and sometimes scary interactions online as a feminist blogger. For the 5 years I've blogged, I've always gotten the typical "shut up bitch" type comments here and there. But becoming more prominent on Tumblr has brought out a specific kind of "troll" that does freak me out to a whole new level.

The Defenders of the UCSB Shooter

[Content note: rape, victim blaming, rape culture, misogyny, violence, ableism]

Since Saturday morning, I've been watching the discussion about the UCSB shooting, its misogynistic motives, and the resulting fallout...both the feminist and anti-feminist reactions. One of the more interesting things is the #YesALLWomen trend on Twitter. Other feminists and social justice minded folks have been dismantling the ableist narrative that the shooter is just a "crazy" lone wolf (which is scapegoating and ignoring that his motivations were explicitly tied to misogyny.)

The Internet ain't your scapegoat, bro

[Content note: brief mentions of rape threats, death threats, suicide, harassment]

I recently caught a discussion hosted by Marty Moss-Coane on NPR's Radio Times about the extreme harassment women (in particular) face online with guests Amanda Hess and Danielle Citron. [If you'd like to hear the full thing you can here, but note that it does cover such potentially triggering topics as threats of violence and rape and other misogynistic attacks. (My apologies there isn't a transcript at the link, I usually try to link to both sound and text.)]

What I'd like to react to in particular is one of the comments a caller made. He shared a story about a time he sent a Facebook message and then later realized that he was being really strange and became this whole other person because of social media.

Sigh.

I'm tired of this line of thinking and I don't think that it was properly shut down on the program, so let me add my unsolicited 2 cents here. As I say over on the info section of FacebookSexism, "If you're a feminist, Facebook can be a minefield. If you're a sexist, it's your playground. But just so that we're clear, social media doesn't create misogyny, it merely reflects what is already there."

I mean this so firmly and so sincerely. We can't change the misogyny (and other bigotry) in our culture if we dismiss it by saying that "the Internet made me do it!" I understand that the nature of the Internet separates people from others' humanity and it increases the chance that they will say something shitty but it, in no way, creates those the slurs and hate that comes to the surface when someone is behind a screen. That hatred, that misogyny, that violent rhetoric was clearly already there.

It reminds me of the old trope about how "haha, person X becomes so racist when they're drunk." NO. They were always a racist, they only say that stuff when they're drunk because their inhibitions are lowered.

So, nah bro, the Internet didn't make you do it. (And it's interesting to me that the people who might make this excuse are probably the same folks who drone on and on about the super-duper importance of taking "personal responsibility" when it comes to abortion, welfare, etc.)

All of this feels particularly timely right now because I received my first "kill yourself" comment on Tumblr (ya know, the kind of comment I get here all the time.) I was really interested in the discussion shared between Moss-Coane, Hess, and Citron because it covered what recourse those of us who are harassed online have. But unfortunately, the law is years behind in this area, so for the meantime, we're going to have to deal with it.

Not cool.

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Super Bowl 2014 Commercial Watch. With Tweets! And Gifs!

Let the annual tradition continue!

I'm going to do things a little different this year. Instead of waiting until the night is long over, I'm going to semi-live blog this thing. (Only semi, because I'm not going to post it as I go, I'll wait until the end.) But it will be much more stream of conscious style than usual. Plus, I'm much more likely to remember who the companies involved if I just write it all up now instead of trying to remember tomorrow.

Let me make sure I put this out there: I hate football. I really, truly do. It's just not my thing. But the Super Bowl is such a spectacle and its ads are a huge artifact of pop culture and are pretty influential and iconic, so I have to do this, ya know? Companies spend so much on their ads tonight and try to have the best one, so let's see what they have.

If the stream of consciousness thing ain't for you, I'm going to put my TL;DR comments above the cut. If you would actually like to see where my brain went during the game, then the stuff under the cut is made for you!

TL;DR: Overall, things weren't the worst this year. If anything I was absolutely underwhelmed. BUT there were still some distinct disappointments. VW's "Wings" ad included both a penis size and sexual harassment joke while totally ignoring women as engineers. How did at least one person in the production of that not say, "Dude, you gotta have a woman engineer get her wings." Axe brought in some racism and sexism with their "Peace: Make Love Not War" spot, which is nothing surprising for their brand. On the other hand, Goldiblox is awesome but I knew that. Coke actually did something interesting. And my old nemesis GoDaddy had something very different to offer, but no one believes they aren't the same old jerks.

Gabourey Sidibe's Dress Debacle and Being Visible and Fat

[Content note: fatphobia, body shaming]

There's been a lot of talk about Gabourey Sidibe's dress at the Golden Globes and the negative reaction to it. There's been even more talk about her pitch perfect Twitter response:

To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK
— Gabourey Sidibe (@GabbySidibe) January 13, 2014

Obviously, I was thrilled to see her shut down the critics like this. In fact, I'm not sure I could conceive of a better response if I had a think tank of 100 feisty fat ladies and 8 hours to brainstorm together. It is playful, as to not give their ridiculous comments any real merit. It's funny so that her personality shines through. It's delightfully snarky as to remind everyone that she is a successful actress. And it highlights that no matter what people might say about her clothes/body, she's living a happy life.

Like I said, perfection, so Sidibe doesn't need me to come to her defense or any such nonsense. But this is a very clear example of what fat ladies in the media face when they dare to be visible and fat, so I'd like to dig in a little.

Rape Culture: So Far Left To Go

[Content note: rape, rape culture, rape apologism, etc.]

It's been a disheartening past few days.

I can't emphasize the trigger on this post enough, so please skip it if you can't tolerate the worst of the worst of our rape culture.

Leggero's SpaghettiO's "Controversy" Highlights Actually Controversial Subject Matter

[Image text: Carson Daly and Natasha Leggero on NYE.]

[Content note: violence, rape culture, misogyny, gendered slurs]

I hadn't heard a peep about this until a friend posted a link on Facebook, but apparently comedian Natasha Leggero made some comments about Pearl Harbor survivors that really pissed off team misogyny on New Year's Eve.

According to the Daily Mail (gag):

An Observation

So many of the people who come here or to my Tumblr to attack me for my views/work/words also try to tell me that I'm doing activism wrong. They go down the whole path of "If you care so much, why aren't you doing something REAL?" or "This is not the way to make positive change." or "When you freak out over small stuff like this, people won't listen to you about the real issues."

Aside from the fact that they know nothing about my daily life, that they have a misguided notion of "realness," and that they are employing silencing tactics, it's interesting to me that they think I would ever take their criticisms seriously. These are the very same people who in one breath tell me I'm wrong and hate the fact that I'm an outspoken intersectional feminist, but in the next act like they're offering advice on how to do activism better?

Seriously?

I mean, look at it this way, let's say you and I each own businesses. I'm a megacorporation. You have a small family owned business offering similar goods. If you start to cut into my market share, my first tactic might be to launch an ad campaign designed to make your products look inferior, to undercut your prices, or to insult your customer service skills. If I then drop by your store and try to offer you business advice, pal-to-pal, are you going to take it seriously? Hell no! You just learned that my number one goal is to squash you, so you'd tell me to fuck off.

The same goes for any of these people who try to offer "helpful" advice about how I run my blogs. When they come in defending racists/sexists/homophobes, etc...why would I EVER want to listen to their thoughts about how I should do things? The fact of the matter is that their only goal would be to make bigots more comfortable with my feminism...and that's not why I do this. When I take constructive criticism, it will be from other activists, thank you very much.

But it's very interesting to me to observe this two pronged approach they take prong one being "I hate what you do!" and prong two being, "Here's how you can do it better." It's no mistake that they try both...they want to dismantle my work in any way they possibly can. Some people are that invested in kyriarchy.

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RANT: So You're Saying...

Ok, I have just a moment to vent and I need to. I guess I was just telling a little fib yesterday when I said things would be quiet here for a while. (But really...they will be...when I'm not fuming.)

[Content note: rape, victim blaming, rape culture]

Have you heard of the anti-rape underwear? It's everywhere right now, so I assume most people are familiar. If you're not, a company is trying to crowd fund to make "AR Wear Confidence & Protection That Can Be Worn: A clothing line offering wearable protection for when things go wrong." As they say on their Indiegogo page:

We developed this product so that women and girls could have more power to control the outcome of a sexual assault. We wanted to offer some peace of mind in situations that cause feelings of apprehension, such as going out on a blind date, taking an evening run, “clubbing”, traveling in unfamiliar countries, and any other activity that might make one anxious about the possibility of an assault.

The firestorm around the product, of course, is because products like this place the responsibility of rape back on victims. The preface of AR Wear's page states that they're seeking to change the cultural acceptance of rape, but how far can that really go when their product perpetuates the dangerous myth that victims are the ones who can prevent their own rapes?

There are a litany of things wrong with this horrible product, but what I would like to focus on for a second involves the discussion that emerges when people like me speak out against these products for their victim blaming undertones. Unfortunately, some people take that as some kind of endorsement of the rape culture. I was recently asked about this product on Tumblr because I shared a submission where people were calling out the underwear. When I said,

Basically, as long as we continue to put the spot light on victims in regards to rape prevention, we are doing it fundamentally wrong and it is not ultimately a good use of time or resources.

I was met with,

So you're saying we shouldn't invest in rape prevention while society is currently in the position it is? We should let women get raped and refuse to allow them to take precautions against it and contribute to their fear and suffering?

Hold on one sec.

Ok, I'm back. How insulting is it that in the same conversation where I am clearly trying to discuss the nuanced implications of how products like this contribute to rape culture and send dangerous messages about victims, it is implied that I'm somehow endorsing rape? That I want to contribute to the "fear and suffering" of women? Seriously? That's what this person thought I was saying?

To be very blunt about it, fuck their disingenuous "so you're saying" comment.

In case you'd like to see my full response to them, it's over at my Tumblr. But here's the cliff notes version:

I cast no shame on someone who feels safer by taking such a [self defense] class or buying a rape whistle or whatever…I cast ENDLESS shame on the cultural narrative which says women (usually) SHOULD take these classes and carry whistles and pepper spray and wear magic underwear if they don’t want to get raped. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THAT SHIT TO FEEL SAFE.

How dare anyone suggest that by asking we examine these messages, I am somehow complicit in the suffering of women. FUCK OFF. All right, that concludes my rant. Please excuse the excessive anger and swearing. No, ya know what, don't excuse it because I was justified in those feelings. I'm allowing myself this one.


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Thanks for Proving My Point

[Content note: misogynistic slurs, possible light Breaking Bad spoilers]

Sigh.

Last night someone with 80k Twitter followers retweeted my post about Sunday's episode and my call out of "Team Walt." Of course, the fanboys came my way with every indignant response. And that's fine. I can handle disagreement and articulate my point, so long as we're all staying civil. You can disagree with my reading of the episode (this stuff is up for discussion/interpretation.) You can think my analysis was one sided (I unabashedly choose Skyler over Walt, any day.) You can say that I'm "why you hate feminism." You can even be deluded enough to think that Walt is still doing this for his family--I will argue with you and say you're wrong, but you can feel that way. Whatever. It's fine.

But when you tweet shit like this...well all you've done is proven my point.

@anerdyfeminist fuck yeah team Walt, I can't wait for that nigga to pop a cap in that bitch wife if his. Fuck that whore for cheating on him
—  Damien (@Stellarwiid) September 17, 2013

See? There it is. Skyler is a bitch/whore and deserves to die. One of my big main points was that the Walt lovers/Skyler haters are misogynistic, and you've gone ahead and made that all the more abundantly clear. (I wonder if these same fans want the many men in the shows they watch who have cheated to also be murdered...)

So thank you.

I should have known that when I wrote about something like Breaking Bad, I'd get my usual flood of pissy-pants fan boys who think I don't have the right to talk about this stuff. What they can't seem to process, and maybe it's because they've never thought critically about any media messages, is that I can simultaneously analyze something and still like it. It's really not that hard to understand.


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#SolidarityisForWhiteWomen

If you can, go check out the trending hashtag on Twitter, #SolidarityisForWhiteWomen right now. So many important things being shared and white feminism (myself included) needs to LISTEN UP.

This Tweet in particular reminded me of something I saw on Tumblr the other day:

[Tweet from Ayesha A. Siddiqi, "#SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen when mass school closings don't upset you as much as Beyonce calling it the Mrs. Carter Show."]

I saw this post questioning Nicki Minaj's feminist cred and I nearly screamed from how incredibly common it is for feminism to question and diminish black women celebrities, while blatantly racist white women are welcomed in the movement with open arms (I'm looking at you, Caitlin Moran and Lena Dunham.)

Solidarity is for white women, indeed. And it's not ok.



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What is Real?

WHAT is real? What IS real? What is REAL?

It's a pertinent question to me for two reasons, one because I have a tattoo of this phrase on my left wrist (that's a story for another day) and two because a really interesting discussion was raised over on Tumblr last night about what is "real" activism.

I can't even remember why, but I posted "Huge SIDE EYE to people who think online activism is somehow isolated from 'real life' and that examining patriarchy’s manifestation on social media isn’t important." It's a sentiment that I stand by, strongly. Often people will show up and stomp around asking, BUT WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING ABOUT IT ALL? This question is both presumptive and misguided because being a part of online activism IS doing something and these people don't know anything about my personal life.

But despite my post being about this very attitude, a guy came on my page and said things like, "If you only examine and only blog about things nothing is going to truly impact the world. You have to get out there and change it, not examine it over and over" and "I said, if you ONLY do it online, it's not going to do much good in the real world. That you still need to get out and do things when you can. That is not privileged, that is fact" and finally "I'm referring to people who use the internet as an 'activist' but actually do nothing."

SIGH.

Luckily, my followers chimed in made some important points...like assuming that everyone can physically, mentally, and financially participate in marches/protests/etc. is a privileged viewpoint. They also shared their many personal stories of how "online activism" has helped their lives, educated them, or how they are able to make an impact from their computers. It was a really nice counterpoint to the guy's false dichotomy between the online world and "actually doing something." (You can see all the related posts at my blog under the online activism tag.)

So it made me think about that whole "What is real?" thing. I mean--clearly this guy has defined "realness" of activism by how he, personally, chooses to participate in movements (which he never fully defined, by the way.)

But how can you hold your personal perspective as the benchmark of "realness." At best that seems like a self-serving position...at worst, it's ignorant and discriminatory.

What I kept coming back to is that it makes no sense to police the behavior of the people who are theoretically on your side, just because they aren't doing it right according to your standards. Why not just let people opt into things as they are personally able to do? To understand that each person is the expert on their own experience and condescending/shaming them because they don't meet your arbitrary standards is counterproductive?

I like what Tumblr user yourspiritualking said best, "Internet activism is infinitely more productive than going on the internet to complain about internet activism."

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My In-Group Kerfuffle

I'm sure by now most of you have seen much more about the SB5 stuff and Wendy Davis, both of which have rightfully blown up the national (and international) media. Yesterday evening was a pretty amazing experience that I was so proud to be a part of, but I will spare you the details of the overall night. Needless to say, it was an important event, but one which is now behind us and we're got more work to do.

What I actually want to talk about is one appalling situation I encountered with another person who is in opposition to SB5. I've named it my "in-group kerfuffle."

You don't know the whole picture...

[Content note: street harassment, misogynistic slurs]

I was recently listening to NPR's Tell Me More (as I am apt to do) and I heard something that struck a particular chord with me. The topic was street harassment and Holly Kearl, founder of the nonprofit group Stop Street Harassment, shared how when she's running, the catcalls, carhonks, etc, can reach 10 times or more each jog--that it's not just one small, isolated incident. It was clear that it's a network of horrible experiences in the street that has shaped her view.

While very different topics, I deeply related to this experience, for me in the context of being an online feminist.

The Language of Rape Culture

[Content note: detailed discussion of rape culture, rape threats, trivialization of rape, slut shaming]

Never a dull day in the rape culture. I swear...just when I think, "oh hey, we're making SOME progress!" a ton of new, horrible stories pop up.

Some of the ways that rape culture operates are obvious (to those who are willing to engage in these discussions, at least.) For example, that list of rape threats that Lindy West received (linked above) for speaking out against rape jokes.

Other artifacts of the rape culture are less obvious.

Intentions Are Irrelevant

I've had this post in my queue with just a title for over a week. I've been trying to formulate what I want to say, and I'm going to take a stab at it...but I'm not convinced it will come out right at all.

Oh well, here goes.

In the social justice/feminist world, when we are called out for a racist/sexist/heterosexist/abelist/cissexist or otherwise bigoted remark, the gut reaction we all have is to fall back on, "but that's not what I meant."

With the Patriarchy, You Just Can't Win

[Content note: mention of abelist slurs]

After a short excursion out of town, I am back!

I just wanted to drop a quick note, as I've been thinking about a few examples of how the patriarchy traps women and basically punishes us for following its own rules.

Both are related to dating and male attention...I recently wrote this exchange on Tumblr to summarize how I see this playing out:

Woman: I'm not really into him that way, but he's a good friend.
Patriarchy: Ew, friend zone level one billion.
Woman: I like to hook up with him, but I'm not looking for a relationship.
Patriarchy: Slut!
Woman: I'm happy being single.
Patriarchy: Haha, good one. You need a man.
Woman: I love my girlfriend!
Patriarchy: Hawt. Y'all looking for a third?
Woman: I love my boyfriend!
Patriarchy: Jeez back up, you're smothering him.
Woman: He dumped me and that sucks.
Patriarchy: God you psycho bitch, get over him!

I mean, think about it...we're told at nearly every turn that it is some kind of magical leveling to a higher plane of existence if we "have a man." The message is that we're not really fulfilled unless we are attached to a dude. But then, when women internalize this message or even when they don't and they just have a tough break up, they're labeled "crazy bitches" who are "obsessed" with the guy.

You can't win.

Take another case. I was recently made aware of the Facebook page "Girls with daddy issues and the approval seeking sex that comes with them" (vomit.) In this case, the patriarchy deprioritizes parenting for men. The result is that many fathers are absent. And then it says that being caring and nurturing are feminine traits so that many physically present fathers are emotionally unavailable. And as a final 1-2 punch, it teaches women that male approval is critical but slut shames/takes advantage of us when we seek it.

You can't win.

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