Mansplaining: A Case Study

Well, well, well. It seems something has pissed me off enough to actually write.

In the 6 years that I've been writing here, I've long strayed from the "misandry!!1!" "men are scum" side of things. In fact, I've probably gone WAY too far out of my way to be inclusive to men. What can I say? This blog has been with me a long time time and covered my evolution of theory and learnings.

Anyway, a professional experience on Friday left me so fucking pissed off that all I could think for about an hour after was "I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men."

On learning

After some HORRIBLE interactions online last week, things have been much quieter for me. Which is really lovely. It helps that I also unplugged this past weekend and enjoyed hanging out with family from out of town, including my adorable 2 year old niece.

With all this good stuff as the stage for me to get back to normal life on Monday, I was in a place to reflect on a few things. One topic in particular came to mind...I began thinking about how when I strip away all of the bullshit that is dealing with harassers and trolls online, I really appreciate how much I learn by doing what I do.

And I began to ponder the actual feeling of learning something new and how great it can be, if you let it.

One of the biggest lies that anti-feminists tell about us is that we only listen to people who think like us, who share our identities, etc. The truth is that I actively try to learn from others and I follow and read a TON of diverse social justice oriented people. (But they ARE right in that I don't read anything from folks who are actively trying to oppress others, because I don't have time or patience for that, nor will I learn anything from them. The kyriarchy already taught me those lessons.)

So through the reading I do online, I am regularly faced with my own biases and misconceptions. And when I read something that doesn't mesh with what I had been thinking, there is a pretty distinct feeling.

It's an initial "WHAT?" and then a "wait..." and then an "ooooooh."

This process is so important for me. It's how I have learned to begin the lifelong process of unpacking the knapsacks of my own privilege. It's how I have learned to stop hating myself, embrace fat acceptance, and reject healthism. It's how I have learned to focus on the intersections. It's how I have learned to stop judging other women.

I think too often people stop at the "WHAT?" and react negatively to the rub of cognitive dissonance. Instead of taking a moment to even consider that what they've always thought might not be the way it is...they react defensively, double back on their own view, and shut down. It's very easy to do.

Of course, I'm not perfect and it's still a process to be open and learn when I'm given the chance. But if you're not even at least receptive to the opportunity to listen to others, how will you ever know anything other than your own perspective?


Please see the commenting policy before replying to this post.

We've Got to Talk About Enthusiastic Consent

Hello, hello! I survived my event. We registered almost 1400 people and I ran my ass off all day Saturday. Yesterday and today I turned to self care. So far this week I've enjoyed a mani/pedi, sleep, a massage, and some of the best food in Austin. All in all, I'm doing pretty great.

My event gave me a blog idea. One of the things it provides is information for teen girls and their parents about how to have healthy conversations about sexuality. This got my wheels turning and I began to think about how we so rarely talk to teens about enthusiastic consent. 

October Is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Content note: Discussion of abuse, especially emotional. Oh, and also some made up words in the first sentence...

As I've written about before, my mom is a breast cancer survivor, but due to the pinkification, sexification, and politicalization of breast cancer awareness raising, I'm not really keen writing about that topic. Besides, in the sea of pink this month, it can be easy for another incredibly important awareness campaign to be lost.

October is also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is a cause which is very close to my heart.

The World of Tumblr

I'm so fascinated by Tumblr. Equal parts in love and horrified. It can be pretty easily summed up by explaining that you can find whatever you are looking for on Tumblr.

Yep.

I've been chugging away at my new project over there, Sexism! As Spotted on Facebook. I'm gathering a nice little following and I get the occasional submission. Sadly, it's really easy for me to do a couple of quick searches a few times a day and find a TON of fodder. (Like 70+ posts in 8 days.)

While we're on the subject of Tumblr, I was recently asked by a regular commenter, Kit Jordan, if I could pass along my favorite blogs to follow, as she had just started Tumbling* herself. Here's my list. What would you all add?

Feminism:
fuckyeahfeminism
whoneedsfeminism
fuckyeahfeminists
imfeministenoughto
feministfilm
crunkfeministcollective 
callingoutbigotry
sexistfacebookdudes
i-once-had-a-guy-tell-me
liesthepartiarchytoldme
shitstraightwhiteguyssay
fuckingrapeculture
misandry-mermaid


Reproductive rights:
ok4rj
forthechoice
keepyourbsoutofmyuterus
iamdrtiller

Fat/body positivity:
fuckyeahfatpositive
fatbodypolitics
riotsnotdiets 
redefiningbodyimage
thisisthinprivilege
itgetsfatter

Anti-Racist:
gradientlair
yoisthisracist
racism-education
thisiswhiteprivilege
thisspeakstress
theangryblack

LGBTQI:
glaad
queersecrets
knowhomo

General feminist/leftist people who I think are cool:
shakethecobwebs
scatx
msqueenly
Riotite
red3blog
amandahess
jillfilipovic
jessicavalenti
afroboheme
garlandgrey
publicshaming

I do want to add that that Tumblr (as with all social media) can be super hit or miss. It's a lot of "for fun" stuff and it isn't always hard writing, but there are a lot of pockets of social justice Tumbling that have really great stuff going on. Often (too often) bigots find their way into the fray so you do have to wade through that, but overall it's a pretty awesome place. Plus the general demographics are very young. As someone who is vastly growing too old for youth culture but works with adolescents, it's important for me to stay connected and Tumblr lets me do that much to my frequent amusement and horror.



*Yes, I'm going with the verb "Tumbling." Get over it.
**I'm updating this time to time.

The Kardashians and Birth Control: Proof that Everyone Does Something Right Once in a While

Ugh. Sex negativity is about to make me stand up for the Kardashians. Yeah. It's happening...

Context: Last month Kim Kardashian told Oprah that her mom, Kris, allowed Kim to go on birth control at 14, when she disclosed to Kris that she was going to have sex with her boyfriend. Cue the backlash. 

I had somehow missed this (probably because I couldn't care less about the Kardashians and their vapid empire of highly manufactured, pseudo-reality controversies.) But when I did hear about it, it was clouded in a discussion on NPR* of, "Would you put your daughter on birth control at 14 if she said this to you? Is it bad parenting?" type questions.

Dress Codes, Sexual Harassment, and Victim Blaming, Oh My!

(TW rape victim blaming)

Jessica Valenti has a great piece at the Nation about the sexism of student dress codes. She chronicles the new dress code of her former school, New York’s Stuyvesant High School. As she reports,

Another senior, Lucinda Ventimiglia, told the student newspaper, the Spectator, “I’ve been told that even though my skirts were technically acceptable, they were still too short for me to wear, and once it was suggested that I should follow a separate dress code, wherein my skirts should end at least four inches past my fingertips, and preferably at my knees.”

Ventimiglia also recalled being stopped by a school official who told her that her dress was too short [and] that she could “show off her curves” when she wasn’t in school. “She then went on to say that the dress code was only instituted for my protection, because there are a lot of bad men outside school, and if I was raped nobody would be able to take that away from me. Then, she said, ‘and you want a husband, don’t you?’ ”

Say whaaaat?

How to Enter Feminist Discussions at the 101 Level and Not Totally Mess Up

As it has become abundantly clear, I've been dealing with a whole lot 'o people who are new to (and relatively insensitive toward) discussions of gender. These past few exchanges have been a truly stressful experience for me. They've made me question my ability to engage with people who frankly don't care about issues of oppression and equality. They've made me want to go live in a cave where I only interact with other hardcore feminists who "get me."

And that's really sad--because if everyone who cared deeply about a cause became so jaded by interactions with uninformed people, that cause would eventually die out. There'd be nobody willing to spread/promote the messages. And that's really the last thing I want for feminism. I really believe there needs to be a space for 101 interactions. I'm not convinced that I'm necessarily the person to champion these spaces, for my own emotional health, but I do think they are important.

As such, after doing a few things to personally cope with this frustrating business, I've decided to channel this experience into something productive and hopefully useful. What follows are my suggestions for how to enter feminist discussions (and other discussions of privilege, oppression, and inequality) at the 101 level and not totally mess up! I should note here that some of the people I engaged with were actually just trolls. But for people who are new to feminism and would like engage in good faith, here you go...

You Can't Teach the Next Generation By Insulting What They Love

So, I finally had a chance to see Miss Representation from start to finish. I liked it, overall. I do think it was very 101 level and didn't delve into intersectionality as much as it could have...but I don't even want to talk about that. Instead, I'd like to discuss my feelings about the Q&A that followed.

In short, it made my blood boil.

Men Can Stop Rape: Awesome Awareness Campaign

I recently became aware of "The Strength Campaign" which is being promoted by Men Can Stop Rape. The campaign features a series of posters and billboards which all start with "My strength is not for hurting" and offer an example of how men men can support relationships with respect their partners' boundaries and advocating for enthusiastic consent. I'm a huge fan of the posters, which I feel play directly into the vision of healthy masculinity I advocate for. It's also an anti-rape awareness campaign which doesn't blame victims. It's so sad that this is a rare thing, but it is.

Why I Worry about Masculinity

In my personal life, it is a well known fact that I hope my hypothetical future child (HFC) is a girl. This is partly because I am a woman, I get being a women, and I've worked in girl services for 6 years (so far). It is also partly because I'm slightly terrified of what it means to be masculine in our society--and for all the challenges that I know a girl will face, I sometimes get more worried about how the heck I would raise a boy. (Not that I'd be going it alone, but you know what I mean.)

Sometimes I feel like this is an odd stance for me to take. When parenting comes up on the feminist blogs I read, many of the commenters say how they'd much rather have a boy or that they're happy they have a boy, because he will never face the challenges they faced growing up female. While I know what they mean, I just don't agree because I keep coming back to how scary stereotypical masculinity can be.

Before I go any further, I do want to lay out some disclaimers to frame my discussion.

1. I am in no way, shape, or form a man hater. I despise that stereotype of feminism. My favorite person in the world is a man as are some of my best friends. In fact, I advocate for a definition of feminism which is inclusive to all people. This topic, for me, isn't about any one man or "all men" (which is a statement which will always prove false.) Instead, it's about societal messages surrounding what it means "to be a man." So what I'm saying here is that if what I discuss isn't about you, don't make it about you.
2. Building on that, I think that us vs. them mentalities are destructive, overly simplified views of a much more complex reality, and ultimately counter productive. As such, my discussions of masculinity come from a place which sees sexism an obstacle to both men and women (in different ways) and isn't an attempt to place blame.
3. BUT we must frankly discuss trends and facts about what is really going on in order to see it, name it, change it. Yes, there are men facing challenges like single parenting, intimate partner violence, and sexual assault. But to not acknowledge that these issues disproportionately affect women does a disservice to finding a real solution. 

Ok I guess by now, I should clarify what the heck it is that I even mean by the fear I have surrounding the concept of masculinity as it plays out in our culture. Really, it comes down to three things: entitlement, violence, and the disparagement of femininity.

• The disparagement of femininity: I'll start with the latter. Simply put, I see that amongst boys and men anything that is considered "girly" is heavily shamed. I know girls are gender policed too, but it seems that the penalties for boys are much stronger (since, traditionally, being female is lesser than being male. In fact, I'd go as far to say that some masculine qualities are encouraged in girls.) However, when we get real about it, all of us have both masculine and feminine qualities. So basically, boys constantly have a side of them suppressed (boys don't cry, don't be a sissy, being nice to other guys is "gay.") When you grow up continuously having the feminine side of you disparaged, it's not that big of a leap to equating ALL femininity as negative; it's conditioning. Then your attitudes and behaviors begin to reflect this, as I will explain in the next two points.

• Entitlement: Because femininity becomes a cultural synonym for lesser than and thereby not important, a sense of entitlement emerges on the part of men toward women. Men's desires and impulses take a front seat. Women's bodies are put forth as something to be viewed and consumed. Women's boundaries, feelings, and opinions are ignored (because they're not as important.) The examples here are numerous, but I'll point you in the direction of a few key ones. 1) The "smile, baby" phenomena and street harassment. 2) The refusal to accept a woman's right to not want to date. Here's a story about this, which after sharing, I learned from a few people in my life that this has happened to them when online dating men as well (although not as extreme.) 3) Men believing they are entitled to sex with their wives.

• Violence: It's not hard to see how I can make the leap from entitlement to violence. If men feel entitled to women's bodies, rapes will occur. But furthermore, if men feel entitled to women's bodies, they might also hit, kick, and otherwise abuse them. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 85% of domestic violence victims are women. (Check out that link for a much more thorough examination of the gendered nature of violence.) However, the violent side of masculinity is not only exercised against women. Violence is also used as a general attribute of masculinity and exercised against one another. Real men fire guns. Real men can take a punch. Real men can hold their own in a bar fight. Real men don't back down. Basically, what I'm getting at is that men are frequently the victims of the view of masculinity which normalizes violence. And often men who do not agree to engage in these things are classified as feminine. (See two points up for why that's a problem.)

When you walk through these points, I think it becomes fairly clear why I worry about masculinity. I know that if my HFC is a boy, he will be raised in a feminist environment with Mr. Nerdy Feminist as a positive male role model, but we will still encounter these messages with him. And try as we will to guide him, he will have to navigate boy world on his own. It would be nice if our communities contain more allies who support healthy masculinity.

As I frequently mention, I work for a nonprofit which seeks to build self-esteem in girls and give them the tools and skills they need to grow into happy, successful adults. These programs are so very necessary because of the position that women still occupy in our society. However, when I delve into topics like rape and intimate partner violence, I know there is only so much impact that can be made on my side of the equation. The real work to be done on these issues is with boys. Just like bogus "rape prevention programs" it is wrong and illogical to put the onus of ending violence against women on women. Boys need strong, stable, reliable, responsible men in their lives to not only role model healthy masculinity but to also intentionally talk with them about it.

Sadly, there are far too few programs aimed specifically at this goal. I wish that when someone said "So you can work with the girls but what will we do with the boys?" I had a perfect answer, like a local nonprofit's number to give them. Despite this void locally, there are some groups and writers doing great things in the area of healthy masculinity. I would suggest that anyone interested in this topic check them out (linked below.) 

I always say that my work is aimed at telling everyone that girls matter. But life is not a zero sum game. Sometimes you can root for both teams. Boys matter too!

Recommended resources:

1) The Real MEN's Project

2) Dr. Michael Kimmel

3) Man Up

4) The Good Men Project

5) Jay Smooth

Everything's Bigger in Texas, Including My Disappointments

I truly have no idea, but somehow, this news slipped through the cracks and didn't make it to me until today, when a friend posted the story on Facebook.

After nearly 40 years of partnership, the state has cut its ties to Planned Parenthood of Austin, defunding its East Seventh Street clinic, which provides basic reproductive health care and family planning services to low-income and uninsured women. The clinic last year received $474,000 to provide services to approximately 3,700 women; now it will get nothing, and neither will its clients. Notice of the cuts came just four days before the beginning of the new fiscal year, leaving area providers scrambling. "We didn't expect zero funding with four days' notice," Sarah Wheat, interim co-CEO of Planned Parenthood of the Texas Capital Region, said at a press conference last week.

My sadness and anger at this situation is...well, I'm not sure there are words for it. I work in the nonprofit sector, closely with Planned Parenthood. I know most everyone in their Health Education department, personally and professionally. They are a team of dedicated, compassionate, intelligent educators who care deeply about spreading good information to young people and their parents. I have had meetings to discuss sexual health programming for Central Texan teens in the offices of that very clinic on East 7th Street--where they house not only the standard clinic, but also their teen center.

Thinking about the implications of a loss of almost $500,000 to their organization is heart-breaking.

However, this situation has ramifications well beyond the employees (even though they are at the forefront of my mind since I know them.) Like Ms. Wheat said later in the article, "The impact is going to be even bigger than we can even calculate at this point." Yes, the impact is incalculable, but for anyone who has access Planned Parenthood's vital services when they needed them the most, knows personally about the cost.

Let me give my personal anecdote, from when I regularly accessed Planned Parenthoods in Indiana (another story of disappointment!) I was 22, and I had discovered a lump in my breast. I was petrified of the possibilities and I didn't seek medical treatment for quite some time. Finally, at my annual exam with the nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood, I felt comfortable enough to ask her about it. She checked me out and calmed me saying that it seemed to be a hormonal cyst, with the kindest words and soothing care. She referred me to the Indiana Breast Center where they confirmed with an ultrasound that it was nothing serious. It was because of accessing affordable, compassionate care that I finally confronted my biggest fears and was examined.

I am so lucky. My story turned out to have a very positive ending. But somewhere out there, there was a nerdy feminist who didn't have an affordable, trustworthy health provider to turn to, who continues to fear the abomination growing in her breast, and has no idea if it will someday kill her. Nowhere to turn.

Women who need to access low cost, reliable health care have so very few options. Unfortunately, they are often caught in a highly politicized environment, which sways to the whims of zealots over continuing to grant them life saving services. I am pro-choice, there is no question about that. But the greater purpose of an organization like Planned Parenthood is to actually prevent the need for abortions in the first place by not only making birth control accessible to a much wider audience, but also with good, solid information provided by those community health educators. It amazes me that this fact is almost always overlooked.

If you are able, please consider donating to the downtown clinic to continue to provide a litany of life saving reproductive and health services to Austin's neediest individuals. And if you are not in Austin and you prefer to support your local Planned Parenthood, you can do so here.

Inappropriate "Friends"

Check out this post over at Captain Awkward. Feministe's Jill offers advice to a young women about her totally inappropriate male "friend." As the question asker writes:

He is constantly making comments about our asses or tits, or how we should fuck him–as in asking literally every two minutes “wanna have sex? how about now? and now?” This would be extremely annoying and offensive, but harmless on its own; however, he is also innapropriately physical. Past incidents have included: jumping on top of me when I am lying on the couch, flipping my dress in public so everyone can see my underwear ALL AFTERNOON LONG, letting his hands slide down my friend’s back, grabbing her crotch … You get the picture. I have had to knee him in the balls on multiple occasions to get him off of me, yet somehow that doesn’t stop him the next time around. My girlfriends and I have all talked about this and we all acknowledged to each other that we are constantly on alert and uncomfortable whenever he is around. Even a friendly hug from him feels threatening at this point.

Jill's advice is great, and if anyone is in need of similar help, I suggest checking it out. She basically lays out a plan to give him the benefit of the doubt and, in many more words, ask him to stop being a jackass or find new friends.

What struck me about this question and inspired me to write about it is that, while I haven't experienced anything quite so extreme as the young woman who wrote in, I do know the feelings she's describing.

As a side note, these experiences were limited to time in high school. As I went to college, expanded and refined my social circle, I found myself more and more surrounded by like-minded people. Or at least people who respected the physical and emotional boundaries of others. In fact, Mr. NerdyFeminist, Ronald, is pretty damn good at finding guy friends who are kind, respectful men. (Despite the raunchy jokes you'll hear in their company...the inappropriateness stops there.) This experience with cool guys who are not grope-y dudebros has made me forget what it's like to have the friend (or several friends) who think that their female friends' bodies are public domain.

In my pre- "oh hey! I'm a feminist!" days I remember thinking that this type of negative attention from guys was normal, but having very mix feelings. On one hand, I was weirded out and often out right annoyed. On the other hand, I got a bit starry eyed here and there thinking that "oh gee...maybe so-and-so actually likes me." (Spoiler alert: all of THOSE guys actually didn't.)

The teen years are a complex time in general and understanding your own boundaries vs. your budding sexuality is all around confusing. Our society doesn't help us through this process much, as most American sexual education focuses too much on "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die" and way too little on developing actually healthy sexual identities. Far too often the girls around me (and including me) tolerated inappropriate behavior from our male peers. This is in no way to blame us. As I mentioned, we were confused and lacking proper guidance surrounding boundary setting. We weren't taught to understand how to navigate unwelcome vs. welcome sexual attention. And we were socialized, as girls are, to be nice...so very, very nice. However, in many cases, these guys involved weren't outright sleaze bags. They, too, were trying to figure it all out and were in SEVERE need of boundary setting assistance as well.

Had we received a truly comprehensive sexual education, including discussions of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships, these incidents would have been much less frequent. This is one thing I am proud of in my work with girls. I can say that several of our topics help girls understand their own boundaries and that these boundaries are as personal and individualized

as our fingerprints. We help them see that they have a right to listen to their gut and call someone out. However, that's only really half of the equation, isn't it? Someone's got to say the same stuff to the boys.

Regardless of this all, I ended up with a boy from that very high school. But he could not have respected everyone's boundaries more. (Ronald's mom gets a million kudos in my book for raising a feminist man.) As I mentioned, my social circle has changed drastically since those experiences. But I can't help but wonder if those guys who made us feel gross in high school have gotten even worse and are now like the man described above...At best this type of behavior is wildly inappropriate. At worst, it's the precursor to sexual assault. In either case, that shit's just got to stop.

Note to Self: Don't Become Jaded

When you live in a world that you perceive as outwardly hostile to you...your opinions, lifestyle, and identity, it can be really, really easy to become jaded. To be extremely cynical. To give up on caring.

Especially when you read shit like this (trigger warning.) I mean, if an 11 year old girl can be brutally raped by 18 men and boys and then be BLAMED for it, what hope can I hold in this world?

Then, every once in a while I get a reminder that I should have faith in people. That I should be open to talking about my feelings, thoughts, and opinions with others who might not share them...because ultimately, we might learn something from one another.

All too often, I take the passive aggressive route. People say, do, write, or joke about offensive things. And my response is a nervous laugh and eye roll...a vague status update...a conversation behind their back.

These behaviors on my part get us no where. And they push me further into cynicism. "So and so's just another straight, white, male asshole...fuck him." Sometimes these thoughts are legitimate. And sometimes they are a cop out. By alienating people who might be open to learning more about how I feel, I unfairly lump them in with those who are truly ignorant.

I know there's a lot of talk in feminism about "Go educate yourself!" when someone of a privileged group essentially demands but that the marginalized person has "a responsibility to educate people who mean well." I totally get this viewpoint, as I can see how utterly exhausting it can be to constantly explain your identity/viewpoint/experience. However, I've realized that assuming the worst in others and keeping them at arm's length is not contributing to my overall well being.

I am someone who loves to talk about feminism and all the many, many sub-categories of it.

I am someone who wants to educate others about what feminism means to me and how I think it can affect our lives.

I am someone who thrives on healthy debate.

To assume that everyone I encounter won't "get it" is to deny myself these opportunities and sink further into cynicism. Sure, when I engage in discussions with people, I stand to expose myself to criticism and even hatred. But I also stand to gain respect and understanding from others. Plus, I get the opportunity to perhaps, even once, change someone's mind. And that's an honor, when you think about it.

I'm going to end this with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite people. Conan O'Brien on his last night of the Tonight Show. Great words for my generation to hear:

All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.

Book Review: The Other Wes Moore

"The chilling truth is that his story could have been mine. The tragedy is that my story could have been his." Wes Moore

So I've decided that every now and then I might post a book review. Deal.

This weekend, I finished reading Wes Moore's The Other Wes Moore. I first heard about this book on NPR, around it's release as it was getting a fair amount of media coverage. I was instantly drawn in. Here's the brief "pull you in" paragraph from the book's website:

One name: Two Fates. Two kids with the same name, living in the same decaying city. One grew up to be a Rhodes Scholar, decorated combat veteran, White House Fellow, and business leader. The other is serving a life sentence in prison for felony murder. Here is the story of two boys and the journey of a generation.

That paragraph really sums up the book's premise, which was what drew me in. The Wes Moore who authors the book discovers there's another Wes Moore from his childhood neighborhood who ends up serving a life sentence for murder. So he writes to him. Much to his surprise, the other Wes Moore writes back and they form a preliminary relationship which allows the author to be granted access to the other Wes Moore's story through his own words and interviews with his friends and family.

The similarities are striking. They both were born into the same city in low income families. Both struggle in school initially. Both of their fathers were missing from the picture. However, the differences that emerge are where the story is told. The Wes Moore who grows up to be the author was raised by a single mother because his father passed away due to a misdiagnosis. The other Wes Moore's father was not a part of his son's life by choice. The author's mother was a college graduate, prioritized education, and fought to find her son opportunities when she saw that he was struggling to find the right path. The other Wes Moore's mother never wanted her sons to end up involved in drugs and robbery, but is unable to meaningfully intervene.

The book is a fascinating, quick read that takes us through the journey of what it means to be an African American young man growing up in an urban area in the 80's and 90's. We see what it means as crack invades neighborhoods and participating in the drug trade becomes one of the few main ways to make money--and lots of it. We see how school systems fail the boys. The other Wes Moore skirts under the radar only to ultimately drop out, despite his intelligence; which we later learn about when he briefly "goes straight" to enter a job corps program and excels. (However, he abandons his new life as he is left making wages far too low to support his family.) Our author, on the other hand, whose mother placed him in private school, felt stuck between two words; his rich classmates and the kids in the neighborhood, never fitting in either (until he finds his place in military school.) We learn how the idea of hyper masculinity directly impacts the other Wes Moore's fate. We see, painfully clearly that the dominant idea of being a man is never backing down. If someone strikes you in the face, you raise them with a gunshot wound to the shoulder.

The book ends leaving you with mixed feelings of sadness and hope, for as the teaser description explains, there are two fates in the story. But one can't help but wonder if these fates are evenly distributed amongst young African American men. The statistics support the sobering reality that many more turn out like the other Wes Moore than the author. Time and time again in the story, we see how the systems in play worked against the other Wes Moore. No teacher championed him. No mentor showed him another life. And even when he worked to better himself, proudly completing his GED and job corps training, he was thrust into a world which compensated his trade well below what he was making on the streets.

The author himself claims that he is lucky. Not only did he have a mother who wouldn't accept anything less than excellence from her son, but he also encountered many positive male mentors who showed him what his life could be and opened many doors for him. I can't help agree with the description that the book is the "journey of a generation." Never before have black man accomplished so much. But how many more turn out like the other Wes Moore?

All in all, The Other Wes Moore is a wonderful nonfiction read, which I would recommend to anyone who has interest in issues of social justice, education, urban policy, masculinity, or African American studies. I would love to read the book a second time and further analyze how gender dynamics play out differently amongst the two Wes Moores' lives.

No One Showed...

Warning: I'm going to be very vague, as to not call out any specific organizations. Also, the title of this blog is a huge spoiler alert, so my apologies for that in advance.

This week, a local organization which focuses on encouraging diversity and ending hate, is hosting its annual educator's conference. Today's theme was civil rights issues. Earlier this month, the girl-serving feminist organization I work for was approached about being doing a workshop on the topic of gender. A coworker, Lora, and myself volunteered to conduct this workshop, as we both feel passionately about feminism.

So, Lora and I each devoted a good amount of time preparing for this workshop...really putting our hearts and souls into it. Today, we arrived at the conference site early and set up our room. The entire time we were discussing gender topics (one of my favorite pastimes, and I sense one of Lora's too.) We were excited, we were passionate, and we were

...stood up.

Ok, not really stood up, per se, but it sure felt like it. You see, no one came to our session. There were only half of the conference attendees present today, but nevertheless, the other option was chosen over ours by 100% of them.

I don't want to bash the other session that was available for the attendees, so I won't even mention what it was. It is, however, another extremely important social justice topic and I am happy that people paid it attention.

I'm not happy that gender was paid NO attention.

It echoes how I feel about the current state of gender. I feel like the common consensus is that we really do live in a "post-feminist" world and gender isn't that big of a deal anymore. I mean, I get it. Women can vote. Women are a majority of college graduates now. There are protections against workplace discrimination and harassment. There is so much we should be thankful for. But does this mean that the world is really "post-feminist?" I'm going to drop a few statistics that would have been shared with our audience today, had anyone showed:

v 70% of the 855 million illiterate adults in the world are female.

v While women produce nearly 80% of the world's food, they receive less than 10% of the agricultural assistance.

v 75% of 85-year-old Social Security recipients are female and why women are almost twice as likely as men to spend their later years in poverty.

v Over 50% of Americans are women yet only 22% of American senators are female.

v 84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were female.

v Women working 41 to 44 hours per week earn 84.6% of what men working similar hours earn; women working more than 60 hours per week earn only 78.3% of what men in the same time category earn.

I think you can pretty clearly see that the battle is not over. And needless to say, Lora and I were very disappointed and just plain bummed about the whole thing. I don't consider it a waste, because we plan on using this as sort of a gender sensitivity/awareness 101 for other groups of adults in the future.

But I can't help but think about it over and over. The fact that no one thought the topic was important enough to investigate, is exactly WHY we should be talking about this in the first place.

Privilege and Feminism 101

Disclaimer: This discussion centers on people who unwittingly make comments that come from a place of privilege...not trolls who relish in, flaunt, or cling to their privilege. And I have a bad feeling it will be a little ranty, so bear with me.

I've noticed that there is a nasty little trend in the comment sections of the feminist blogosphere. Someone makes an earnest, although somewhat misguided or misworded comment and sure enough the chorus of "Check your privilege" starts up.

Let me back up...privilege is something very real in our society. Any time the experience of one group of people becomes what is the "norm," privilege is at play. There's white privilege, male privilege, heterosexual privilege, abled privilege, Christian privilege, monetary privilege, American privilege...it goes on and on. If there's an -ism, there's a privilege. Here are a few examples of how people benefit from various privileges:

• White: If you have always freely entered stores without the stare of "why are you here? are you shoplifting?" or you've never had someone you didn't know ask to touch your hair, or you've never had someone assume you are incapable of a sunburn, you're probably the beneficiary of white privilege.
• Male: If you're praised for doing domestic tasks (but not expected to do them), if you've never felt that your body isn't good enough because of the images in a magazine, if you've never felt forced to shave your armpits or legs, if you've never had your leadership/math/physical/video game abilities questioned before someone knew anything about you, you're probably the beneficiary of male privilege.
• Heterosexual: If you could (or have) legally marry the person you love, if you've never been told that your chosen family structure is dangerous to kids or that your sex life isn't "real", you're probably the beneficiary of heterosexual privilege.

So what's the problem? Why have I even mentioned the "check your privilege" argument? If someone is operating from a place a privilege, we should address this...right?

Yes, I think it is critical to help people understand how they are benefiting from privilege and to help them understand that their perspective or experience is not universal. However, I think that "check your privilege" is a piss poor way to do this.

What ends up happening is that "check your privilege" becomes a stock statement thrown around and it has undesirable effects. People who were earnestly trying to engage in a feminist discussions are shut down. They feel alienated and belittled. Because in many cases (but not all by any stretch of the imagination) an honest mistake has been made, people aren't even really sure what they did wrong. It's essentially the feminist version of a pet owner swatting their dog's nose with a newspaper and saying "Bad dog." No real change is made.

Now, often the counter point to the suggestion that we should help each other understand issues like this is the "It's not my place to educate anyone!" but that, again, doesn't get us anywhere. No, it's not anyone's JOB to educate another (save teachers, of course!) but it is certainly logical that when you engage in a discussion/debate on a forum, you're going to have to explain your view and give background as to why the person you disagree with is incorrect. Saying "check your privilege" does both nothing to substantiate your own view nor truly refute the other person. A much more productive solution is to point out the privileged parts of the argument and explain why they are problematic.

Often, people commenting on the feminist blogs where this happens are novices to the topic. The attempt to engage in an extremely popular and well known online feminist community when you are just opening up to a whole new world of thought can be intimidating. To be shot down immediately, leaving you unsure what even happened, is not a desirable outcome, and it's not good practice for feminism. It sends potential allies away before they even get to really dig into the topic and learn about privilege.

I would argue...and stay with me here...that people who invoke this knee-jerk reaction are actually exercising educational privilege, or perhaps privilege within the feminist community. First of all, it assumes that the reader knows what the phrase means and even more basically what privilege is and how they benefit from it. Secondly, it establishes this hierarchy and policing of fellow feminists. Instead of being informational, like a gentle correction would be, it ends up being, frankly...elitist. When I see people use the phrase, I always get the sense that it's delivered in a "What, are you new to this?!" kind of way (even though I know it is sometimes well intentioned.) And isn't it wrong to assume that everyone who is interested in gender topics has had the experience of taking the same classes or reading the same books or having the same discussions or following the same blogs as you?

I don't want to sound like I'm making the case for ignorance, but the fact of the matter is that there will always be people joining the feminist world at the 101 level. And when it comes to the Internet, blogs will be frequently be an entry point. It's been disturbing to me how I HAVE seen feminist commenters talking down to others, literally saying "Oh, I'm sorry...You must be new to this" or "Well, I guess you're at the 101 level." ...and saying these things to people interested in the same topics as them, although perhaps not as informed.

You know what? It's OK to be at the 101 level. We were all there before and THAT'S OK.

Lastly, I think that saying phrases like this without engaging in actual discourse is a silencing tactic. For me, it's in the same vein as the tone argument. You know..."I'll listen to your viewpoint when you're not so angry" translation: I don't want to listen to your viewpoint. Except now it's, "I'll listen to your viewpoint when you read a book on feminism" translation: I don't want to listen to your viewpoint. Again, I'm not talking about people who are blatantly not feminist...but rather those who are earnestly trying, but say something that unwittingly is rooted in privilege. Because feminism is so complex, they could very well have a valid viewpoint that happens to be clouded in privilege. So call out the privilege and discuss the viewpoint...don't outright ignore them.

Ok, though...I get it. It's tiring and infuriating to live in a world full of people assuming their experience is universal, and knowing their experience is nothing like yours. It's enraging to be on the flip side of the privilege. I validate those feelings and I can see how sometimes you really just want to say, "CHECK UR PRIVILEGEEEE" and not fully engage in a debate...but for that, I give you this suggestion: If you feel passionately enough to invoke this phrase, then you should feel passionately enough to actually engage. Throwing in the old "check your privilege" standby does nothing.

For anyone.

Seriously.

Now, for the trolls talking privilege...don't even give them the satisfaction of replying to their garbage. F'realz.

Here's What's Wrong with Using Out-of-Date Materials in the Classroom...

One of my professors is the sort who is caught in a rut of teaching the same class for 20 years. He uses cases and example material from 1980-1990. This time the topic is about crisis management for nonprofit managers who have to speak to the media.

And one of the (many) downfalls of being 20 years out of date is that every now and then you get something like this...

"On the air: wear solid dark clothes. Blue shirts and subtle ties look best for men. Women should wear heavier make-up than usual for studio interviews to avoid the 'ghosting' effect of bright lights."

So what's wrong with this?
1) It presumes that ALL women wear SOME form of make-up. ("Heavier than usual" means there's usually make-up there.)
2) It rests on the assumption that men and women's appearances should be dealt with differently in the media.
3) It reinforces the idea that women are *supposed* to be attractive if they wish to be taken seriously. (There's no worry about men's "ghosting"under bright lights. If men looked bad, that's ok...they'd still be taken seriously for their words.)

SIGH.

Furious at "Sexting" Story

I saw the following story on WTHR today reported by Steve Jefferson:

http://www.wthr.com/global/story.asp?S=10037502

If you read all of the comments, you saw what I had to say about the injustice taking place in the case at John Marshall. Two kids, one fifteen-year-old girl and one fourteen-year-old boy were taped (or taped themselves) having sex. The boy decided to show this tape off to his friends at school. They got caught. The phone was confiscated from the boy and the girl was "referred to mental health services" according to the statement put out by the IPS school district. The boy loses his phone and the girl has to go to therapy. Am I the only one who sees something wrong here? At first, I got mad at how this story was reported, because maybe IPS did say some action was being taken with/against the boy and Mr. Jefferson just left that out. No. This was the reply I received to my comment. First there was a very prompt (which I highly appreciate) e-mail in reply to my comment that said:

"I've put in a call to the reporter on this story to see if he has any information on what, if anything, will happen to the 14-year-old. If I get that information, it will be added to this story. Thanks for your comment."

Then I went to the story and saw that the WTHR administrator (same person? i dunno) replied to my comment with a comment saying:

"Myranda, I checked with Steve Jefferson, the reporter who covered this story today, and he says it appears there won't be any repercussions for the 14-year-old boy, at least in the Indianapolis case."

I replied to both replies with this:

"Thanks for getting back with me. I truly appreciate it. I saw the administrator comment that no repercussions are being taken against the 14-year-old boy. Do you have any information on who should be contacted to protest this decision? IPS? Also, can that be added to the story? A simple statement that no action is being taken against the boy involved. I find it so incredibly unfair, to say the least, that the girl is being referred "to mental health services" and the boy who was just as involved in the incident (even more so, if you consider the fact that he was the one showing off the video to his friends) is receiving no treatment or punishment.

Thanks again for taking the initiative to check this out and reply so quickly. That is highly admirable and appreciated."

And believe you me, there will be letters written and phone calls made to IPS administrators who have treated this girl like a head case, while the boy gets off scotch-free. I understand the girl, at first, claimed it was a forced act. The videotape, I'm assuming, refutes that statement. I'm not saying the girl is right in claiming a false rape. She's not. But for her to be framed as having "obvious issues" when the boy involved apparently has none? Because it is acceptable behavior for a fourteen-year-old boy to show off his sex tape to his friends. But it is not acceptable for a girl in her situation to lie about what happened. Both are unacceptable. And BOTH should be dealt with. That's all I'm saying.