Some Holiday Resources!

As we are on eve of Thanksgiving and the full blown "holiday season," my mind has been rolling with all the various feelings/anxieties/stresses this time of year often brings up. Add to that, the fact that it has been one helluva horrific week, I think we could all stand to focus in on some self care.

Over the years I've written a few things here and there about getting through and thinking critically about the holidays...I thought they might prove helpful to share again.

10 Steps to a Fat Shame Free Thanksgiving (pretty self explanatory. I really stand by this one!)

Self Care and Resources for Getting Through the Holidays (this is my master post round up of everything helpful in the realm I could find online last year.)

Don't Be Part of the Problem this Holiday Season (some ideas about the issues with "Black Friday" and all that garbage.)

Family Stress and Imperfect Holidays (just know you're not alone is the holiday season for you doesn't look like a greeting card.)

Mindful Giving at the Holidays (aka, rethinking the reflective act of dropping coins in a donation tin.)

All in all, my biggest message is to do the absolute best you can to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

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You don't owe anyone a debate

I'm big on self care.

Probably because I work with a lot of social workers and I am reminded of the concept continuously.

At first it sounded a little "touchy-feely" and weird to me. But the more I grow, the more I know that in order to do good work, to keep up on personal activism, and to affect positive social change, self care is a must. There's just too many negative experiences you will have in this realm to NOT engage in self care along the way. With out it, you will burn out. WITH it sometimes you'll still burn out. (Which is why I take periodic breaks from Tumblr.)

Part of self care is 1) knowing that you NEVER owe anyone else a debate and 2) not engaging in one when you don't want to or just can't.

Self Care and Resources for Getting Through the Holidays

[Image text, a little green robot saying, "Annual reminder: The holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Please check on your friends." Source.]

As I've written numerous times before, I completely understand that the holiday season can be just as rough as it is wonderful. (And often times, more rough than it is wonderful.) So I've gathered some resources that I think are helpful, some written by yours truly.

• Fat shame free holiday gatherings (I wrote 10 tips related to Thanksgiving, but they're actually applicable for holiday gatherings in general.)
• Family Stress and Imperfect Holidays (In which I remind you there's nothing wrong with you if you're not having a perfect holiday season.)
• Rethinking New Year's Resolutions (My fat shame free resolution primer.)
• READ THIS IF YOUR HOLIDAY SUCKS AND YOUR FAMILY STRESSES YOU OUT (from a Tumblr user to everyone who feels this way.)
• The Femisting Guide to Surviving the Holidays (Really comprehensive guide from the Feministing crew.)
• How to deal with your relatives' holiday harassment (Jill Filipovic has some advice on the topic in a video.)
• Talking Turkey: Eight Easy Steps for Discussing Reproductive Health and Justice at the Holiday Table (which I think has some good applications for other sensitive topics too.)
• 5 Ways to Handle a Racist Relative (simple, straightforward starting place.)
• 6 Ways to Survive Food and the Holidays (food and self care at the holidays.)
• Being proactive (instead of reactive, my general life philosophy...which I think can be extra helpful during the holidays.)
• Self care is not selfish (Zerlina Maxwell's run down on self-care for RH Reality Check.)
• Surviving the Holidays as Queer People of Color: Give the Gift of Media (advice from Spectra Speaks.)
• How to Survive and Enjoy the Holidays (Very light, but positive-focused tips.)
• Avoiding Burnout with Authenticity and Boundaries (three concrete tips.)
• How to handle family stress during the holidays (two basic concepts from Stanford and health psychologist Kelly McGonigal.)
• The Radical Self Love blog has an on-going list. 
• 6 Research Backed Tricks that Will Help You Have a Happier Holiday (pretty surface level, but also important.)
• 20 Things to Let Go of Before the New Year.

Above all, please take care of yourself and respect when others need to take care too. Self care looks like different things to each person. For example, a gathering that might sound like a ton of fun to you might be too much for a friend or loved one. It's ok if they don't go. It's not only about setting your own boundaries...it's also respecting others'.

Don't forget to check in on yourself, too. Sometimes we get so caught up in going and going and going that we don't even realize we need a moment of self care. Last week I was reading the last link from the list above in bed. I just randomly happened upon it on Facebook and found it to be pretty obvious stuff. Then I came across #9 "Let go of being the 'go-to person' for everyone, all the time..." I needed to read that. I didn't know I needed to read it until I saw it and let the words wash over me. It had been a rough few days at work and I just let myself sit on that phrase for a few minutes, soaking in the concept, took some deep breaths and felt better just by doing that. The phrase stuck with me for the next few days of work and just by setting the intention to stop being the "go-to person" I had a happier, less stressful time.

Sometimes self care can be as simple as that, but if we don't take second to check in on ourselves, we'll completely miss those needed moments of peace until it's all built up and we are drowning under stress, anxiety, sadness, etc.

We can't change our families and the other people we spend time around over the holidays...but we can set boundaries and try to create spaces and situations that feel safer and happier for us. And when/if that fails, we can love ourselves and show ourselves and others compassion. (And yes, sometimes that means no going places or seeing people, even if we are excepted to.)

As always for this time of year, blogging will be sparse and sporadic until early January. If you celebrate, I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And a safe, healthy, and Happy New Year to everyone.

Take care.

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I am Exhausted, But I'll Be OK

I'm experiencing some pretty heavy activist fatigue...and it goes way beyond the fact that I've physically been present the past three weeks, helping out with the opposition to the anti abortion omnibus bill. I'm emotionally exhausted listening to all the testimony, reports, tweets, and even more so from the litany of lies that the antis are sharing.

I'm doing what I can to keep my chin up, engage in self-care, and continue to participate when I can. It can really feel like a lot, but I know that ultimately, I'll be OK.

I'm reminding myself just how privileged I am in this. I have the ability to participate in this process. I live close enough that there is no financial burden for me to show up at the capitol. I work for an organization and a leader who has allowed me to spend time there without facing scrutiny or fear of losing my job. I don't have to worry about child care. I'm free to come and go in my house as I please without anyone controlling me, intimidating me, or questioning me. I have lots of friends and colleagues  who are also at the capitol in support of the cause I believe in.

It is for these reasons and more that I know I need to continue to be present and see this through. As many, many people have pointed out, while the majority of the pro-choice activists look like me, the people that this legislation would disproportionately affect, don't. And most of them they can't make it to the capitol to tell their stories.

So I need to see this through. I'm exhausted. But I'll be fine.

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Taking Care of Myself Through Stressful Times

Well. It's September.

I remember when I used to like this time of year best. It brought with it my birthday, cooler temperatures, and all kinds of delicious fall treats and fashion. But that was before the fall meant my busiest time of year...

The Case for a Proactive Life

Every now and then I write a little about things that are not so super feminist but more a glimpse into my life and how I view things.

And often those topics are on the negative side of things--like how I struggle with stress, obligation, and over-thanking. But today I just wanted to take a moment to get out a few other things I've been thinking about when it comes to generally creating a better life for one's self.

Basically what I think it all boils down to is proactivity. Being proactive is a lesson that I think everyone could stand to learn, but particularly women. I went ahead and looked up the dictionary definition of proactive to make my point. It means, "acting in anticipation of future problems, needs, or changes." This stands in contrast to being reactive or passive. In the case of reaction, you are simply responding to something that has already occurred. And with passivity, you are just letting things occur.

It should be pretty clearly by now why I think women in particular should embrace proactivity, but just in case, here's the deal. Often women and girls are socialized to take a back seat in their own lives. We are taught to defer decision making onto our male counterparts. We are taught that we are the ones who are rescued. We are taught to not worry our pretty little heads with concerns like politics or money management. However, the truth is that each of us only have our selves to rely on, so to be proactive is, to use a cliche, to take control of your own destiny; to place a high enough value on your own happiness and future that you make the calls.

Managing Activist Burnout

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist lens.

I recently joined the community over at Persephone Magazine and I am kiiiiiinda geeking out about how awesome it is over there. (Seriously, if you'd like to be a part of an awesome online group of feminist minded people who are kind, thoughtful, and intelligent, head over that way.)

The other day, Elfity over at Persephone posted about being a fatigued feminist. She said:

At times I fear that I’m going down the path of learned helplessness. I feel like no matter how many letters I write, how much money I give, how much time I volunteer, or how many protests I attend, nothing will change.

...I bring up this subject because I believe that others feel the same thing. We put on a strong front, but it does get to us. That’s okay. It’s alright to be weary and battle-worn every now and then, because we know that our victories will keep us fighting. The next time you start feeling the fatigue or the stress or the burnout, remember that while you have to take care of yourself first, we’ll always be here, and we’ll always need you. Keep on fighting, y’all. These victories won’t come easily.

I suspect anyone involved in activism can nod their head reading Elfity's feelings. How often do we all feel that the things we pour our soul into are hopeless when we interact with someone who makes a rape joke, says "no homo," or tells us that abortion is murder?