Mansplaining: A Case Study

Well, well, well. It seems something has pissed me off enough to actually write.

In the 6 years that I've been writing here, I've long strayed from the "misandry!!1!" "men are scum" side of things. In fact, I've probably gone WAY too far out of my way to be inclusive to men. What can I say? This blog has been with me a long time time and covered my evolution of theory and learnings.

Anyway, a professional experience on Friday left me so fucking pissed off that all I could think for about an hour after was "I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men I hate men."

My very thorough and official reaction to Patricia Arquette's comments at the 87th annual Academy Awards

Why it seems like just last week that I was discussing White Feminism's (TM) latest fail. Oh wait.

The next chapter in the on-going saga that is exclusionary feminism has already been released! This time starring Patricia Arquette: 

Without further ado, here is my highly anticipated reaction, in chronological order:

[Image text: reaction gifs of Mila Kunis nodding, Lea Michele listening with a smile, then it fades and she looks around confused, followed by Oprah shaking her head and looking disgusted and a final one of Prince giving an angry glare over his shoulder and walking away.]

There's almost no way that you've arrived at this post and don't know what this is about, but just in case: Arquette made some comments about wage disparity at the Oscars on Sunday which might have seemed progressive, but were actually super White Feminism (TM.) The worst of what she said wasn't on stage. Later to the press she said.

So the truth is, even though we sort of feel like we have equal rights in America, right under the surface, there are huge issues that are applied that really do affect women. And it’s time for all the women in America and all the men that love women, and all the gay people, and all the people of color that we’ve all fought for to fight for us now.

Obviously, as the joke of the title of this post indicates, I don't have really anything substantive to add to the conversation. So many other people have thoroughly explained the issues here forward and backward. But with it being the big feminist topic du jour, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't just note how much I agree with the backlash against these statements. It's infuriating how so many of my fellow white feminists continuously fail to think about anything beyond their own position in life. When you have the power of a podium behind you like the Oscars stage and you want to say something very BIG, you had better think through what it is you're actually saying and wanting for the world before you open your mouth.

I mean, look, if we want to talk about wage inequality on a national stage, I am so up for that. But any conversation about it which focuses on (apparently) on straight, white women is inherently flawed and won't get us far:

[Image text: wage gap data broken our by race and gender with Asian men making the most and Latina women the least. More information and audio available at the source, NPR.]

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Just lean away, forever, please

You know what's really messed up?

Using White Feminism (TM) to bully other women.

I know this happens literally all the time every day in big and small ways, but I'll cut right to the chase on this one. I'm talking about the reaction to Jessica Williams saying she ins't ready to take on the job of hosting the Daily Show after Jon Stewart's departure.

If you're engaged in social justice on Tumblr (and other places, but that's my frame of reference), you were well aware of the many calls for Williams to take this soon-to-be-open gig. I was one of them! I agreed! Williams is awesome and hilarious and her filling that seat would be incredible.

BUT

Don't Be Part of the Problem this Holiday Season

I feel like several things are hitting a fever pitch surrounding the discussion of fair labor practices here in the US. In addition to the growing momentum to raise the minimum wage, I've also seen a flurry of posts all over social media finally scorning the practice of "Black Friday" starting earlier and earlier...to the point of erasing Thanksgiving time off for retail employees all together. And then there's the vastly circulated story of a Walmart store that was holding a canned food drive for their own employees.

Choosing Appreciation

As I recently mentioned, this time of year is the absolute busiest at work for me. Consequently, it's a time full of stress, and as someone who is prone to high anxiety levels, I've been known to get so wrapped up in it that I actually make myself physically and emotionally ill.

A number of things have happened this year so that it's not quite as bad as it's formerly been. One of these things is a shift in mindset that I've taken on recently. I'm trying...despite my personal predispositions...to see the good in things instead of the bad. In other words, I'm trying really hard to choose appreciation over self-doubt, regret, and fearing the worst.

Intern Fair Wages and Grassroots Nonprofits

I've been thinking a lot lately about my field and the over use of unpaid internships.

I'm so divided.

Let me back up. As a feminist, I believe that people have a right to a fair, living wage for their work. I'm appalled by income disparity. I'm appalled when I think about the fact that some people's 40 hour week of work is so greatly devalued that they can't even afford rent in their area. I'm appalled by the fact that unpaid internships are routinely abused. (And let's not forget certain legal protections are denied to unpaid interns.)

I see this abuse as particularly egregious when used by very large and wealthy nonprofit organization or for profit enterprises, where there is truly no excuse not to pay any staff.

Raise the Minimum Wage!

What better day to discuss how the minimum wage is a feminist issue than Labor Day?

I, like most fairly economically privileged people in the United States, have heard a lot about the current momentum around raising the minimum wage. But also like many others, I have been woefully under informed about it all. I knew that our federal minimum wage is incredibly low and not a living wage, but I'm not sure I knew just how bad it is. 

As the first piece of required reading, might I suggest RaisetheMinimumWage.com. These info graphics also hit at exactly why this is a feminist issue:

Just a cursory glance at these stats show that a minimum wage worker is much more likely to be a 35 year old, full time working mother, than a teen. (I assume there are intersections with other oppressions too.) Another dangerous myth is that if we raise the minimum wage, we'll all be paying so much more at McDonald's and that's just horrible for the economy. So might I suggest this video to debunk that myth. The White House agrees.

It boggles my mind that we have created a market where it is totally accepted that a person's labor at some full time jobs won't pay enough to afford rent. This is an unethical system. 

Something has GOT to give. 

Believing in Yourself

This is kind of a preemptive post, but I don't care. Under the advice of several people, I've decided to read Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In." What I've heard of the book interests me, so I figured I'd go ahead and give it a shot. I've been mega swamped so I've only made it a few chapters in, but something has already stuck with me. It's the passage that is basically the thesis of the book:

We [women] hold ourselves back in ways both big and small, by lacking self-confidence, by not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives—the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, more powerful than men.

And later she adds, "Career progression often depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself—traits that girls are discouraged from exhibiting."

Oh lord do I need these messages right now. To put it simply, I'm currently in the midst of a big batch of self doubt.  You see, I recently took a big risk. Yay, first steps. This professional risk is beyond anything I've done before and it means that my career path has recently become much more challenging. I'm out of my comfort zone and just sort of figuring things out as I go.

So, cue the nagging of self doubt and anxiety.

It's so cliche, but a huge part of success really is believing in yourself, so thanks to Sandberg for this reminder. There is something to the old adages of "fake it until you make it" and "you can achieve anything your put your mind to!" Learning this lesson is particularly important for women and girls, some of whom might be their only supporter. I mean, just as an example that comes easily to mind, I recently received an ask on my Tumblr from a young woman who is regularly told by her uncle that she'll never make it in sports journalism, her dream career. If she internalizes this message and doesn't believe she can make it anyway, how will she ever stand a chance? She's got to invest in herself and block out the noise to make that dream happen.

Even for those of us who have lots of support and affirmation (myself included) the most important source of our strength still must come from within. If we don't take time to love, value, and support ourselves, we'll get nowhere. We've got to block out the nagging voices from the outside but also from ourselves that make us feel inadequate and hold us back. We've got to take those creative risks Sandberg is talking about, put ourselves out there, and push ourselves. And when we are successful, we can't believe the voices that tell us that we shouldn't toot our own horns or be proud of our accomplishments.

Like I said, this is all a bit preemptive, and I'll follow up with a review of Lean In later when I've actually read it. But damn if I didn't just need to take a moment to reflect on this, no matter how fluffy a message it might be.

EDITED 5/14/13: I just wanted to follow up and note that I've decided not to fully review the book because overall I was disappointed with it. I think it got a lot of media hype because of who Sandberg is and as I was reading I kept thinking, "where's the part that supposed to change my life?" Spoiler: it never came. I'm sure it's a good primer for a white, upper class, hetero, professional woman who have never taken gender studies classes, but for people outside that group, it will probably fall flat (like it did for me.) That's not to say I wasn't inspired by a reminder to believe in myself when I wrote this...it just didn't go much beyond that.

This blog has strict comment moderation intended to preserve a safe space. Moderation is managed solely by the blog author. As such, even comments made in good faith will be on a short delay, so please do not attempt to resubmit your comment if it does not immediately appear. Discussion and thoughtful participation are encouraged, but abusive comments of any type will never be published. The blog author reserves the right to publish/delete any comments for any reason, at her sole discretion. 

Check Your Privilege, Mr. Obama...a Country Full of Boys is Watching

Last night I caught Zerlina Maxwell schooling the heck out of Politico's Dylan Byers for tweeting, "How did it become so difficult to call a woman good-looking in public?" I learned that this comment was in response to President Obama saying that Kamala Harris is California's best looking attorney general, and the backlash against those comments.

The $849,000 Disadvantage for Being Female

I receive a surprising number of requests to share info graphics...but this one caught my eye and I couldn't help but post it. BIG SIGH.

Attribution to BrainTrack.com 



This blog has strict comment moderation intended to preserve a safe space. Moderation is managed solely by the blog author. As such, even comments made in good faith will be on a short delay, so please do not attempt to resubmit your comment if it does not immediately appear. Discussion and thoughtful participation are encouraged, but abusive comments of any type will never be published. The blog author reserves the right to publish/delete any comments for any reason, at her sole discretion. 

Women in Independent Filmmaking: Summer League

One of the things I like most about my life is that I'm immersed in a community of talented, creative people. Some such people are the minds behind the upcoming independent film, Summer League. I had a chance to catch a super sneak preview of this film earlier this week.

The Stigma of Sex Work

[Content note: dehumanization of sex workers, rape culture.]

I don't often write about sex work. I think it's an area of feminism that is best left to people with more knowledge. I remember when I first started thinking critically about feminist issues, I read a piece where a woman was discussing how too often feminists talk about sex work without actually talking to sex workers or listening. I don't want to fall into that space, and I hope I don't.  But I need to write about this, because my blood is boiling.

How I Live Feminism

I received a very nice email from reader E over the weekend, who suggested that I take a stab at explaining how feminism plays out in my daily life. I thought this might be fun, and dispel a myth that I've faced over at my Tumblr project (that I'm only an "online" feminist and my time would be better spent working on "real" feminist issues.)

E asked, "how do you go about your life, do you shout out to the television when something isn't up to your standards (like I do), do you refrain from talking about your passion when among friends/family members who don't appreciate it (like I do :( )."

This got my wheels turning so I figured I'd beak down how feminism plays out in a few different spheres of my life: online, at work, with friends, with family, and in my free time.

Taking Care of Myself Through Stressful Times

Well. It's September.

I remember when I used to like this time of year best. It brought with it my birthday, cooler temperatures, and all kinds of delicious fall treats and fashion. But that was before the fall meant my busiest time of year...

Representative Joe Walsh is, Perhaps, a Moron

Maybe I should start a feature called "my weekly blood boil" because without fail, something comes along to enrage me. As reported on Think Progress, Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL) recently declared that his opponent is Tammy Duckworth is not a true hero...

If you know nothing about Duckworth, which I didn't up until 10 minutes ago, that doesn't seem to be the worst statement of all time. But if you do know anything about her, then you know that she is a double amputee, due to injuries sustained when she was piloting a helicopter in 2004 in Iraq. She received a Purple Heart, an Air Medal and an Army Commendation Medal during her 20 years of service. 

But all of this means nothing to Walsh. Apparently Duckworth is a little too aware of her situation to be a hero. As Walsh said,

Understand something about John McCain. His political advisers, day after day, had to take him and almost throw him against a wall and hit him against the head and say, “Senator, you have to let people know you served! You have to talk about what you did!” He didn’t want to do it, wouldn’t do it. Day after day they had to convince him. Finally, he talked a little bit about it, but it was very uncomfortable for him. That’s what’s so noble about our heroes. Now I’m running against a woman who, my God, that’s all she talks about. Our true heroes, it’s the last thing in the world they talk about. That’s why we’re so indebted and in awe of what they’ve done.

Ah boy.

Really? I'm trying to formulate some words that explain why this is BS, but you know what? There aren't any--it's just so plainly evident that it would be a waste of my breath to even dwell on this guy for any longer. I hope that the people of Illinois' 8th district take notice that what Walsh has going on ain't right.

Military Moms and Breaking Patriarchy

So you've seen this picture, yes? I first heard about this story last week. Apparently, some people have a big issue with it. According to the Today show:

The debate over nursing in public got a new layer recently, when photos taken on an Air Force base began to circulate online. In the series of tasteful professional photos showing beaming moms as they nurse their kids, one jumps out: the photo of two servicewomen with their uniform shirts unbuttoned and hiked up to breast-feed. 

"A lot of people are saying it's a disgrace to the uniform. They're comparing it to urinating and defecating [while in uniform]," says Crystal Scott, a military spouse who started Mom2Mom in January as a breast-feeding support group for military moms and "anyone related to the base" at Fairchild AFB outside Spokane, Wash. "It's extremely upsetting. Defecating in public is illegal. Breast-feeding is not."

I saw it as another unnecessary blow up about breastfeeding. I shared it on Facebook saying, "If you have a problem with this picture, maybe you should examine what's wrong with you." A few friends affirmed my opinion and a military member or two even agreed that it wasn't a big deal. And then I moved on and promptly forgot about it.

When Thanking Becomes a Problem

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist lens.

It is the season of thanks. Expressing gratitude is a wonderfully beautiful thing; not only to express to others in appreciation of their generosity, but also as an act for oneself. Taking time to reflect upon the important things in our lives and really being thankful about them puts things in perspective. However, having laid out that I do think expressing thanks is valuable, I'd like to take a moment to discuss how simply saying "thank you," like most things, can be a very gendered act.

First, let me back up.  As a nonprofit manager, my work depends on the generosity of others. This career path puts you in the position to operate from a place of continual gratitude. That's a given. Nevertheless, this past summer, I realized something about myself and my communication style. I took a look at the emails I was writing. Literally every single one ended with "Thanks!" so much so, that it was even a part of my chosen signature line. Often I would start emails with a statement of thanks and then end it with "thanks again." Frequently, I was thanking people who were simply doing their jobs. In fact, I would end emails this way even when I was actually doing a favor for someone else. I also apologized for things that were not my fault and generally assumed a submissive stance in my day to day interactions.

It became a bit emotionally exhausting. People weren't reciprocating this behavior and I sort of felt like crap on a regular basis. I decided something had to change. I've come to believe that people will respond to you in the manner that you present yourself to them. If you grovel, they'll believe that they are doing you a favor. If you apologize, they will believe you were in the wrong. Apologies imply that much. Conversely, if I wanted to be taken seriously, I decided I had to drop unnecessary thanks and apologies.

This small switch in how I conducted my email communications began to make me feel a lot better. Turns out, I'm not alone in this approach. I recently read a piece by Amy Reiter over at The Daily Beast, where she goes through a similar process. She writes,

Then one day I looked up from my under-challenging, midlevel job and noticed that my boss, who was generally regarded as kind of a jerk, but a smart and talented one, never, ever thanked people. He never apologized. And he didn’t appear to give a rip about what was going on in the lives of anyone around him. He never took responsibility when things went wrong, preferring instead to label someone else the culprit and chew them out.

...A recent study examining the relationship between agreeableness, income and gender, published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that the workplace does tend to reward disagreeable behavior. Disagreeable men tend to earn more than agreeable men, and disagreeable women, though they earn less than both nice and not-nice guys, earn more than agreeable women, researchers found.

These facts are interesting. The truth is that sugary sweet politeness doesn't pay off, literally, so why use it? As women we are continuously told to play nice and to be accommodating and to put others before ourselves. It's high time we reject this behavior and reclaim our right to communicate clearly, firmly, professionally, and without groveling. I guess what I'm really getting at is that thanking, like everything else in life, should not be a mindless, reflexive act and it certainly shouldn't come from a place of obligation. It means much more when you offer thanks only when it is motivated by actual gratitude.  Basically, don't pepper your language with unnecessary thank yous and apologies.

And unnecessary really is the operative word here. I'm certainly not advocating for jerkiness either. So please do take time this week to express genuine thanks as you feel it. Appreciate the happiness in your life and share it with friends, family, coworkers, and you community. And do apologize when you are wrong.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! But to quote a very appropriate Tweet by scatx, "Be thankful on Thanksgiving, hang with family and friends - but don't for a second celebrate false history about Native/European relations." In case your curious, you can learn more about what she means here.

Stress, Supergirls, and Writer's Block

Just for funsies, you should Google image search "stress." About 99% of the pictures are cartoon graphics (clip art-esque) or women doing a variation of this pose. I guess dudes don't get stressed?

Anyway, as you can tell, I'm alluding to the fact that I am super freaking stressed out right now. Coordinating an event for 1,200 people is no joke. Especially when you're not sure if you will even reach that goal...a goal you've been working on for a year.

It's no secret to those who know me that I don't handle stress and pressures suuuuper well. When Girls Inc. published their Supergirl Dilemma report in 2000, they were talking about and studying girls just like me who were teens at the time; young women who wanted to be good at everything. I'm one such girl grown up, and still trying to figure out how to be easier on myself.

My stress management isn't always bad. On one hand, I'm someone who operates at a higher resting stress level than your average person. This is the very reason that I am incapable of procrastinating. Seriously, I am. Like, I've never pulled an all nighter and got through both undergrad and master's programs without it. I never had to pull an all nighter because I am so stressed out by deadlines that I take them extremely seriously and structure my life such that I'm always done with a paper or project by the day before it's due and I'm just proof reading at that point. This side of my anxious nature is great. It's helped me always be on top of things and be personally motivated to get shit done. When I get shit done, then I don't feel as stressed out and everyone wins.

On the other hand comes the side where stress is a big problem in my life. I am a worrier of the worst kind--so when things are out of my control, unlike papers and projects, I freak out a bit. In the case of things I can control, I just get it to the point where my worries are managed because I got shit done. In the case of thing I can't control, well, it ain't pretty. For example right now my face is broken out, I have canker sores, my heart starts beating out of control every now and then, I'm not sleeping, my digestive system is a wreck, and yesterday my eye start twitching on and off.

It's not ok. I know this.

One of the things that has always helped me attempt to manage my stress is writing. The problem is that when I get to my current level of anxiety, I have ideas swirling in my head, but so many other things to do. So I become overwhelmed at the possibility of even pausing long enough to write anything out. For example, currently I've been postulating blogs on the following topics:

1. Lisa Simpson as a feminist influence on me growing up.
2. The sexism of Occupy Wallstreet.
3. The horrific personhood initiative in Mississippi.
4. The Herman Cain sexual harassment stuff.

It's weird, because this situation is my version of writer's block. I have tons of ideas and the inability to get them out until my stress is much more managed. I know that this is all temporary, but having set a personal goal for myself to keep my blog content fresh feels like yet another stressor, even though it is one totally self imposed and unnecessary. 

I know that in a week or so, I'm going to be feeling a lot better. I might get around to writing those things, I might go with something new that pops up, and I might just enjoy not feeling as stressed by work. Who knows? But either way, writing this out has actually helped and accomplished two things--getting some of this out of my head AND creating a little bit of content. See what I've done here? Clever, huh?

In my clear, logical mind I know that I've got to let the Supergirl stuff go. I've written before about how I can't please everyone and I do try to live this way now. But when it comes to my work and the goals I set for myself, I've still got a long way to go in understanding that sometimes goals won't be reached ...and that's ok. And I can't control everything...and that's ok too.

I'm going end on another Google image search recommendation: Supergirl. The results are, well, yeah. The results just are. Sigh.

Female Bodies Are Not Unprofessional

This post is a part of my “Out of the Kitchen” weekly column at The Progressive Playbook in which various news and pop culture items will be examined through a feminist lens.

I’ve been hearing few murmurings around the internet of this story, in which people are upset that the Premier of British Columbia, Christy Clark, had a little smidge of cleavage showing. As one Canadian opinion writer said, Clark should be wearing clothes “that won’t risk compromising her professionalism and stature in the eyes of some.”

This makes me bristle. Perhaps it’s because I had to have some professional head shots done recently, and it was near impossible for me to have them taken without at least a smidge of cleavage showing. Or perhaps it’s because this just smacks of sexism.

It’s well reported that female politicians are continuously picked at for their clothing choices. For male politicians, sticking to a basic dark suit is a fail safe. As long as men make this choice they’re rarely seen as under dressed. Or over dressed. Or inappropriately dressed. In fact, their clothes are virtually a nonissue all together. Read more...

Defending Selfishness and Letting Go of Obligation

I once met a woman who called herself an advocate for selfishness. When I first heard this, I thought it sounded silly. But as she explained it, I began to understand how very relevant this idea is. Anyone who has dipped a toe into feminism 101 knows that from a very early age, girls and women are socialized to put the needs of others before themselves. Bonnie Marcus at WomenOnBusiness.com explains this problem nicely.

As women, we have extra baggage around this issue because society has taught us that as women we should be nurturers. The assumption here is that we need to take care of everyone and make sure that they are happy and healthy and all their needs are met. According to traditional roles, the fact that everyone else is happy should be enough to make us happy because that is our responsibility. If everyone is happy, we are doing our jobs well. Of course, if there is some time after all this is done, it is acceptable to do something for ourselves. Otherwise, we are being SELFISH.

These limiting beliefs have so many implications for women in our society. As more and more women enter the workforce and try to keep their lives in balance, the stress builds. If we believe that we need to please everyone in our families, our relationships, our work place, what then happens to US? How can we do all of this and be successful at work too?

At work, how many times have you taken on other people’s needs or tasks before tending to your own?

How many times have you taken on the work of others with the attitude that “If I don’t do it, who will?”

How many times have you avoided necessary difficult conversations because you did not want to offend someone? You wanted to be well liked.

How many times have you not taken credit for your work well done because you want to be viewed as a team player? Perhaps you don’t even accept compliments graciously.

There's no way around it...this stuff is true and probably strikes a cord with most women.  When you think about it, it becomes pretty clear that to be selfish can actually be a bit of a revolutionary act. It can take guts, as women, to stand up and say, "My needs matter and I'm going to take care of myself first." I mean, what are we without ourselves? If we don't have our own backs, who will?

This time of year, these topics become extra relevant to me. I manage an event serving 1,200 people. While most reasonable individuals can easily see that this is no simple feat, I still have a lot of colleagues and business partners who want more personal attention for their involvement in this event than I can muster. The 2 hour meeting here and there to help each individual person figure out their piece of the pie can really eat up my time. Unchecked, it can easily force me to work 12 hour days, answering emails late into the evening even at home.

Last year, I tried to accommodate each person. I felt that I owed them something. This year, I have decided to opt for selfishness, if for no other reason than out of necessity. There is no way I could continue to cater to everyone else's requests and still remain successful in my own endeavors. I have become quite selfish with my time, and it feels great.

This doesn't mean I'm a jerk. I always try to find a solution or help those who genuinely need it. But it does mean that I am forcing everyone to be much more mindful about the requests they are making upon me. I'm asking them to prioritize. And I'm letting go of obligation.

Obligation is a really nasty feeling. (My best friend helped me to understand this, and God bless you, woman.) I mean, think about it--what good does obligation serve? To act out of obligation is very similar to acting out of pity. The result is that actions which come from a place of obligation are, for lack of a better term, half-assed. I think that, as people, our best bet is to do things fully or to not do them at all. If you are consistently operating from a place of obligation, then you're surely not putting out best work out there.You're not being the best employee/partner/friend/family member you can be. The only option is to choose what we can fully commit ourselves to.

This even goes for social interactions--it's a lot harder, but I'm trying to drop my tendency to accept invites simply because I feel obligated. I'm asking myself: 1) Do I really want to go, or do I feel I should go? 2) Is this something which I have the time to do; something which I won't regret later? 3) Will this situation cause any unnecessary stress?

If my answers aren't a resounding "yes, yes, no" then I try to minimize my time spent.

Of course, you can't avoid all obligation and you can't operate purely from selfishness. But if you have the tendencies I have (to constantly let the needs/wants of others overshadow your own) it can be a really liberating mindset shift to make. Even if for only a few weeks of the year.